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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People in couples who only say ‘we’

58 replies

kerrypacker · 13/09/2023 18:12

I’m sure lots of people have had the experience of making friends with somebody when you are both single, they then get into a relationship and start to talk about themselves as ‘we’ rather than ‘I’. It’s understandable and inevitable in some contexts if the relationship is a serious one, as they are sharing lots of aspects of their lives. However I do notice that some friends (still in happy relationships) seem more able than others to carry on talking about themselves as ‘I’ as well as ‘we’. It’s not just about word choice but state of mind, the relationship doesn’t become their whole identity.

AIBU to be a bit put off by friends who seemingly can only or mostly say ‘we’? Of course I understand that their relationship is very important to them, and of course I make effort to be friendly and do some things with their DP as well… but at the end of the day I made friends with an individual, not a unit. If the individual doesn’t exist any more, then tbh I’m not sure the the friendship does either.

YABU - once you’re in a couple you only exist as a we, get used to it

YANBU - it’s offputting

OP posts:
TheShinmeister · 13/09/2023 19:13

kerrypacker · 13/09/2023 19:04

Yeah that’s interesting. In my original post I was thinking of couples who I do think are happy, but I also had a friend in a very unhappy relationship (subsequently broken up) who used to use ‘we’ in this way. Maybe different couples do it for different reasons. In her case I do think it was something to do with the fact that she was staying in the relationship to be in a relationship, rather than because she liked the person, so maybe she felt if she wasn’t getting anything else out of it she at least wanted the perceived ‘status’ of being in a couple, and the ability to say ‘we’ at every opportunity!

Show quote history

Absolutely this. Would see it as a failure to be on her own

coolkatt · 13/09/2023 19:13

yanbu at all it's so annoying

coolkatt · 13/09/2023 19:15

Colourfulponderings · 13/09/2023 18:39

We don’t mind it.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

ManateeFair · 13/09/2023 19:19

Oh we really don't do AI holidays'. Even if you have exactly the same taste in holidays as your DP why not just say 'I don't like AI holidays'?

Well, in think in that example, 'we' would be appropriate, because a family/couple holiday is a joint decision and a joint expenditure where your DP's opinion is just as much of a factor as yours.

For example, if someone said 'Why do people spend money on restaurant meals when you could just cook at home?' I'd say 'We spend money on restaurant meals because we like eating out and it feels like a treat for us' because when I go out for an impromptu meal out (eg not pre-planned with mates) it's invariably with my DP and it's a joint thing that we enjoy doing together. If I answered that question with 'I spend money on restaurant meals because I like eating out, it's a treat for me' that would imply that either I eat alone, or that it's something that only I like and DP has to go along with because mine is the only preference that matters.

WeWereInParis · 13/09/2023 19:21

exactly .. you often see it on the holiday threads. 'Oh we really don't do AI holidays'.

I also think that on the holiday threads, this sentence means the family. "We, as a family, do not go on AI holidays", not necessarily referring to just their partner.

Celia24 · 13/09/2023 19:22

As others have said it often depends on context.

But yes I know what you mean. I had one friend who would say 'we' about seemingly everything. Turns out they were very codependent and have just separated.

On the other hand my best friend always talks about 'I' and 'me' although she has been with her partner for years.

Because I'm single right now I sometimes feel like someone's pronounced 'we' makes my 'I' also seem pronounced and makes me feel a bit odd tbh. Although I get people are often just talking about their lives.

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2023 19:22

If you're both of the same opinion about something, couple or no, it's normal to say "we". "We" don't like olives. "We" don't like skydiving. "We" have a cat.

Lemmony · 13/09/2023 19:30

I agree this is annoying!

DiscoBeat · 13/09/2023 19:33

There are definite distinctions in our relationship. We've been married 18 years and say 'we' when it's accurate for both of us but 'I' otherwise. But I wouldn't hold back from saying 'we' if it applies to both.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 13/09/2023 19:38

Personally I can't recall ANYONE saying 'we don't like x, y, z, and a, b, c, when the answer only refers to one person! It's either I do, (or don't,) or he does, (or doesn't.) Unless like we both hate tea, then I will say 'we don't like tea.' Coz we both don't. WTF is wrong with that? Confused

You're single aren't you @kerrypacker ? You must be. Most singles don't 'get' couples, especially close ones.

DiscoBeat · 13/09/2023 19:38

I always think "We're pregnant" sounds a bit strange

I agree, it always sounds odd. I used to say 'we're expecting a baby' or 'I'm expecting', I don't think I actually said 'pregnant' much, not sure why!

CarPour · 13/09/2023 19:39

ManateeFair · 13/09/2023 19:19

Oh we really don't do AI holidays'. Even if you have exactly the same taste in holidays as your DP why not just say 'I don't like AI holidays'?

Well, in think in that example, 'we' would be appropriate, because a family/couple holiday is a joint decision and a joint expenditure where your DP's opinion is just as much of a factor as yours.

For example, if someone said 'Why do people spend money on restaurant meals when you could just cook at home?' I'd say 'We spend money on restaurant meals because we like eating out and it feels like a treat for us' because when I go out for an impromptu meal out (eg not pre-planned with mates) it's invariably with my DP and it's a joint thing that we enjoy doing together. If I answered that question with 'I spend money on restaurant meals because I like eating out, it's a treat for me' that would imply that either I eat alone, or that it's something that only I like and DP has to go along with because mine is the only preference that matters.

Edited

I think it would be a bit weird if when talking about a family holiday someone kept going "I don't like AI" "I don't want to go to greece". That seems a bit self centred? But it's so context dependent

But if say I'm out to dinner with friends and they say we don't like chicken and he's not there, that's a bit fucking odd

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 13/09/2023 19:44

I do agree 'we're pregnant' sounds stupid. No! SHE is pregnant. You are not both pregnant! FFS. 🙄

Say 'we are having a baby,' as yes, that makes sense. You ARE both having a baby. Saying 'we're pregnant' makes you sound thick.

pizzaHeart · 13/09/2023 20:36

Chocolateglitter · 13/09/2023 18:24

I always think "We're pregnant" sounds a bit strange

Yes, to this^ but “We are going out tonight” is absolutely fine.

context is everything.

Meowandthen · 13/09/2023 20:43

I get what you mean OP. I dislike it too and find it odd. It’s as if they are now one entity.

They probably have a joint Facebook account and matching anoraks.

WandaWonder · 13/09/2023 20:48

I know what you mean but if that is thr only annoying thing I would not he bothered but yes I don't get it, or is that we don't get it?

Anotherparkingthread · 13/09/2023 20:49

I tend to do this when I don't want to take all the credit for (usually DH's) our joint hard work. Eg I'm talking with family or friends and he isn't there, I might say 'we managed to repair xyz on the boat' or 'we finished renovating the downstairs bathroom'. We run a business together as well the above mentioned house and boat so there is a lot of things with cross over.

garlictwist · 13/09/2023 20:51

Oh God. You have just described my friend. I can't bear it. She even writes it in messages. It's so twee and intertwined. However she doesn't do anything without her husband any more anyway so I guess she genuinely has no cause to say "I".

Ragwort · 13/09/2023 22:39

Maybe I used the holiday example because my DH and I have totally different views on holidays .. perhaps I'm secretly jealous of couples who have similar tastes in holidays Grin.

Onelifeonly · 30/01/2024 21:45

I say 'we' if I'm talking about a project I'm involved in with my DH - holiday plans, DIY etc - because it comes out like that naturally. Although it depends on whether the person I'm talking to knows / has heard a bit about my husband. I'm never saying it in the sense of making out we are an inseparable unit or because I feel superior about being part of a couple. If anyone read that into it, they'd be completely wrong. Maybe it says more about the listener than the speaker?

CurlewKate · 31/01/2024 12:16

The thing I hate- and didn't realise was a thing until I read about it on Mumsnet- is the idea that if you tell one half of a couple something in confidence, they will automatically tell the other. I still find this shocking. I actually offended a friend shortly after learning this by asking her not to tell her partner something I told her.

coldcallerbaiter · 31/01/2024 12:21

Couples that go everywhere together, like the supermarket or school run is odd, it’s just a task, one person can do it. Unless one cannot drive, I do not see the point.

Also, couples being interviewed and one says we did such and such , didn’t we? Looking at the other, other nods and then next sentence, didn’t we? Again…

AnnaKing81 · 31/01/2024 12:23

I know someone who does this! It actually gives me the ick! A friend of a friend. Everything is 'we/us'.

She acts like she has no individual posessions/experiences.

I called my camper 'mine' the other week (it is, I work and paid for it, me and the kids, not DH of 18yrs bag). She stopped the conversation and pointed out what I had said and how strange it was as we're married!

My husband's bike collection is definitely not 'ours' and I don't care!

It's very old fashioned and does put me off people! X

flutterby1 · 31/01/2024 13:29

Oh my god, my pet hate! Don't they have their own identity, do they only identify as a couple? Have they got so comfy in their safety blanket as a couple , it drives me mad. I'm widowed and I notice this and it annoys the hell out of me, am I bitter? But also glad I'm a strong independent person . I do think when my husband died he was sn alpha character and I was probably guilty of leaching some of my self esteem and confidence from being seen as part of ' him' but I now hope I've forged my own identity . Coupledom can be a comfy pair of slippers, an unhealthy symbiotic relationship where people can be co-dependent on each other not in a good way. Yes I may be envious but on the other hand I'm proud to be ' i' and not 'we' !!!

Alicewinn · 31/01/2024 13:33

I also find it incredibly strange and irritating when I make a call to a friend, and their partner is in the room, listening and offering commentary on every word. There was even one instance where I discovered I was on speakerphone without realizing it. It's just frustrating—enough with these overly dependent relationships!

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