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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think if a man says...

81 replies

Beezar · 12/09/2023 14:39

...that the reason his marriage broke up after 20 years is because the relationship broke down a long time ago.

But then you learn that at the point of breaking up, he had another woman and is still with her.

YABU - you accept the other woman occured as the result of the broken down marriage
YANBU - you believe the other woman was the catalyst for the decision.

Don't over think it. What initially springs to mind?

OP posts:
BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 12/09/2023 14:41

OW was the catalyst, for sure. Although the relationship could have been on the bones of its arse and the guy was too lazy or too comfortable to leave.

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 12/09/2023 14:42

that the relationship was doomed, the breakup would have happened eventually.

I am not sure it matters, no one wants a partner who is staying because there's nothing better around there.

WunWun · 12/09/2023 14:44

I think it purely happened because he's a piece of shit and it doesn't make a difference which came first because the outcome is the same.

A marriage "breaking down" is not an excuse to cheat on someone. You just end it.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2023 14:47

Men like that don't leave a warm bed for a cold one, even when the relationship is shit. The OW provided the motivation.

TicTacNicNak · 12/09/2023 14:49

The correct way to do things is end one relationship before getting in to another.

I'm not sure if you mean he had the OW when the relationship broke down years ago, or when the marriage broke up later. It may change how I respond depending on which it was.

EDIT TO ADD: actually, scratch that, either way he's a shit for getting with another woman before ending his marriage.

Privatelyliving · 12/09/2023 14:49

I'd think nothing is black and white, there will be many reasons for the breakdown and responses to it. Probably even those involved don't really understand exactly what happened and why.

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/09/2023 14:53

People are complicated. Not all of them are particularly emotionally literate when it comes to understanding their own motivations and behaviour. I’d suspect that the true answer is somewhere in the middle of your two options and that the relationship was troubled before the affair began but certainly wasn’t helped by the decision to have an affair rather than end the relationship first.

TheCraftyOne · 12/09/2023 15:28

Impossible to know

ManateeFair · 12/09/2023 15:29

Don't over think it

Why not? God knows you seem to be.

Orangebadger · 12/09/2023 15:30

Impossible to tell, kind of chicken and egg.

Original poster
Beezar · 12/09/2023 15:40

ManateeFair · 12/09/2023 15:29

Don't over think it

Why not? God knows you seem to be.

It only ever takes an hour or two before the snidey ones show.

OP posts:
TheCraftyOne · 12/09/2023 15:45

The more I've thought this through the more I think the relationship was doomed, then a woman entered said doomed relationship. Because if it was genuinely happy and no issues, a normal person wouldnt ruin that.

Merryoldgoat · 12/09/2023 15:47

That men rarely leave unless someone else is waiting in the wings and if he hadn’t met OW he’d still be married even if unhappy.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 12/09/2023 15:50

I'd mainly just think he was a prick for cheating. His reasoning and justifications don't really signify.

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 12/09/2023 16:06

Beezar · 12/09/2023 15:40

It only ever takes an hour or two before the snidey ones show.

Show quote history

but it was a fair point. Painful as it might sound, a partner dumps you when they don't want to be with you anymore. It makes no difference if they get with someone else at the end, during the breakdown, or the day after.

The relationship was still broken anyway, the 2 people that were in it are to blame, it's nothing to do with outsiders.

nomoreacorns · 12/09/2023 16:08

Whether OW was the cause or not, the fact is that he was a lying bastard who was trying to hide the affair/OW from you.

He’s basically a manipulative liar.

nomoreacorns · 12/09/2023 16:10

TheCraftyOne · 12/09/2023 15:45

The more I've thought this through the more I think the relationship was doomed, then a woman entered said doomed relationship. Because if it was genuinely happy and no issues, a normal person wouldnt ruin that.

This is naive. There are lots of men who do this. Some men have happy relationships and have affairs. Because they can.

10HailMarys · 12/09/2023 16:18

Beezar · 12/09/2023 15:40

It only ever takes an hour or two before the snidey ones show.

Show quote history

@ManateeFair is right, though (albeit a bit snappy). You’re definitely overthinking this and it’s pointless to expect other people to make a snap judgement on it. I assume you’re looking for validation in order to blame the other woman for your marriage breakdown, but any responses you get will be meaningless because nobody here knows the full truth about your ex’s feelings, neither do you. You never will. Only your ex truly knows what his feelings are, and it’s not healthy to be obsessing over this when you can’t change it and it’s unlikely to be a simple either/or anyway.

Ultimately whether the other woman was a consequence or a catalyst is neither here nor there. The end result is the same, which is that your ex didn’t want to be with you any more. You gain nothing by ruminating on this detail. I know it’s hard not to dwell on details but it isn’t helping you.

BrawnWild · 12/09/2023 16:26

I'd say its classic that a man cant openly communicate his unhappiness or desire to move on and go through he discomfort of moving out so he stays with his wife, probably letting her carry on washing his socks and so on until he finds a replacement.

The amount of adult men who cant make a decision to end a relationship without Plan B lined up is so banal.

I'd think he lacked a backbone and would do it to me if I dated him. So I wouldn't date him.

TheCraftyOne · 12/09/2023 16:36

nomoreacorns · 12/09/2023 16:10

This is naive. There are lots of men who do this. Some men have happy relationships and have affairs. Because they can.

Show quote history

But if someone was genuinely hand of heart happy and met the one, they wouldn't.

ManateeFair · 12/09/2023 16:48

10HailMarys · 12/09/2023 16:18

@ManateeFair is right, though (albeit a bit snappy). You’re definitely overthinking this and it’s pointless to expect other people to make a snap judgement on it. I assume you’re looking for validation in order to blame the other woman for your marriage breakdown, but any responses you get will be meaningless because nobody here knows the full truth about your ex’s feelings, neither do you. You never will. Only your ex truly knows what his feelings are, and it’s not healthy to be obsessing over this when you can’t change it and it’s unlikely to be a simple either/or anyway.

Ultimately whether the other woman was a consequence or a catalyst is neither here nor there. The end result is the same, which is that your ex didn’t want to be with you any more. You gain nothing by ruminating on this detail. I know it’s hard not to dwell on details but it isn’t helping you.

Show quote history

Yes, this is exactly what I meant.

@ManateeFair is right, though (albeit a bit snappy).

I was a bit snappy, yes - sorry. I just tend to get frustrated at people who have clearly been obsessing over something for ages telling other people to make an instant judgement; it's something I see on Mumsnet a lot.

Britneyfan · 12/09/2023 16:57

I would think that he is using his affair to justify how terribly unhappy and awful his marriage must have been. But then I’m biased because this is what my ex did to me.

And to everyone who thinks men in happy marriages don’t cheat, think again. I would agree that this makes it less likely to happen but it’s definitely not impossible. There are a lot of reasons it suits people generally to believe this maxim but it doesn’t make it true. Happy marriages are not immune from cheating, and an affair is not always a symptom of an unhappy or doomed marriage.

Original poster
Beezar · 12/09/2023 17:02

10HailMarys · 12/09/2023 16:18

@ManateeFair is right, though (albeit a bit snappy). You’re definitely overthinking this and it’s pointless to expect other people to make a snap judgement on it. I assume you’re looking for validation in order to blame the other woman for your marriage breakdown, but any responses you get will be meaningless because nobody here knows the full truth about your ex’s feelings, neither do you. You never will. Only your ex truly knows what his feelings are, and it’s not healthy to be obsessing over this when you can’t change it and it’s unlikely to be a simple either/or anyway.

Ultimately whether the other woman was a consequence or a catalyst is neither here nor there. The end result is the same, which is that your ex didn’t want to be with you any more. You gain nothing by ruminating on this detail. I know it’s hard not to dwell on details but it isn’t helping you.

Show quote history

I know what I think. I know the situation.

But noone else does apart from the man involved and perhaps OW.

What I'm interested in what EVERYONE ELSE will make of it when they get the raw, abridged version.

That's all.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 12/09/2023 17:03

I think it was over anyway. If it hadn’t have been her, it would be someone else. He was looking for an exit plan.

CantFindANameAgain · 12/09/2023 17:04

I was the OW…

Met someone… chatting, went on a date, found out he was still living with his wife before hand but he promised me there was nothing there, and I lay the cards on the table and said I was more than happy to have this meal, we could chat but under no circumstances would anything come of it if they were still together. He told me they had been done for a while, he couldn’t afford to keep her in her house as well as move out. He didn’t want her to struggle.

She found out about me, although we had never slept with each other, not even a kiss. Purely texting and chatting when we saw each other. (He was currently working in our building) She told him to leave, so he did. After 4 weeks he stopped paying bills/rent at her house. She then asked him back as s her couldn’t afford it. She found me on social media and blamed me for all these things over the last couple of years, the holidays he didn’t go on because of me. I was the reason things took that turn etc. I did reply, and told her these things were not because of me as we had only met 4 weeks prior, we didn’t even know each other existed, so the holidays they didn’t have together couldn’t be my fault.

I was open and told her everything. She said I was lying and he had told her the same so we must have got out story straight. She came to visit me at work, but I wasn’t in that day, she posted things all over my Facebook wall, and hounded me for months. She demanded money from him all the time. They didn’t have children together so it’s not like he needed to pay her. 10 years on, we are still together, I do genuinely believe their relationship was dead years before I arrived in the scene. Yes he should have left the house earlier, but he didn’t want her to struggle financially.