Page 3 | What would you think if a man says...

Beezar · 2023-09-12T13:39:17+00:00

...that the reason his marriage broke up after 20 years is because the relationship broke down a long time ago. But then you learn that at the point of breaking up, he had another woman and is still with her. YABU - you accept the other woman occured as the result of the broken down marriage YANBU - you believe the other woman was the catalyst for the decision. Don't over think it. What initially springs to mind?

itsmyp4rty · 12/09/2023 17:51

Men don't tend to leave a long relationship unless they have someone else to leave it for. Doesn't matter how miserable they are.

Workermum · 12/09/2023 17:56

"The marriage was over" is a cliche and is never true- It wasn't "over" because no one had left or instigated a divorce. So the cheating was a choice- pure and simple. And it was that choice that ended the marriage.

Silvers11 · 12/09/2023 17:59

If it were me it would depend who told me. Someone wanting to tell me and wanting me to comment I would treat it as here say and I wouldn't actually HAVE an opinion - I would merely think that you don't know what goes on in situations like this and it could be either of the scenarios you have described OP

On the other hand, if I was a friend, I liked you and have always thought the two of you were happy then I would probably blame the other woman coming onto the scene - but I would still be aware that none of us know what someone else's relationship is truly like, 'behind closed doors'

StopStartStop · 12/09/2023 18:00

He's a dick.

Sethos · 12/09/2023 18:03

I’ve no idea why people are being so horrible and dismissive, @Beezar - anyone would think you’d forced them to engage with your thread, or something.

To answer your question, what I thought in that scenario would depend on what I knew of the couple, I guess. If they’d always seemed happy together then I’d think that there was either stuff going on behind the scenes, or that he’d probably followed his dick out of a happy/ normal/ needed working on marriage. Even if the marriage seemed unhappy, unless the woman was clearly absolutely horrible, I’d still think the bloke was a bit of a spineless shit for leaving in that way.

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 12/09/2023 18:11

When you hear about celebrities and personalities when one of the partners very famously cheats (usually the famous husband), and often not bothering to be that subtle about it, I just wonder if the wife has just as many affairs but privately.

We have no idea of what really happens behind close doors, I can't see how can anyone put blame on people they don't know, usually because it's a male.

nomoreacorns · 12/09/2023 18:13

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 12/09/2023 17:50

there's a lot of projection on this thread isn't it.

I think it's a very lazy option to think that men cheat, and the poor innocent wife has nothing to do with it, however perfect she might be.

There are 2 people in a relationship. It's never black and white, but you'd think that in 2023, we would stop consider women, or wives, as mindless idiots instead of equal partners. If one cheats, it's not a good marriage and a healthy relationship.

Show quote history

That’s really quite an extraordinary projection of your own. You basically had to pretend I said something I never.

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 12/09/2023 18:18

I don't agree that if someone is happily married, they cheat.

I also think that when a marriage breaks up, the timing of the OW doesn't matter. You know that the side of the story from the first wife will be anything but neutral.

CatherinedeBourgh · 12/09/2023 18:23

That if the marriage had been great he wouldn't have cheated. I don't care whether he would have hung around if the OW hadn't come along, in fact the marriage was over before it happened. Many people stay for the lifestyle if they don't feel like they are giving anything up for it, then they meet someone who they think they could have something significant with and they leave.

Wouldn't necessarily think the same if he wasn't still with the OW and had instead had a whole string of short lived flings. In that case I'd probably think that he was incapable of keeping it in his pants and the marriage broke down because his wife eventually got fed up with it and booted him out.

MsLavender · 12/09/2023 18:30

I would think that he's a man child who wanted out a long time ago but waited until he had another woman to run to because he's incapable of being on his own/wants someone to cook/clean and take care of him.

Original poster

Beezar · 12/09/2023 19:16

nomoreacorns · 12/09/2023 17:40

Ok, if I heard that the man had left for OW:

If the wife was my friend I would 100 per cent be on her side and think he was a fucking dick.

If he was my friend and he left his wife for a younger woman I would think he was a sad sack loser mid age stereotype. And not like him much anymore.

If I had never particularly liked the wife I would be sympathetic to him leaving ( though not if OW was much younger as that would still make him a sad sack).

if he left for a woman his age or older I would assume the marriage was not great and he had fallen in love and not be too harsh on him.

If I knew the wife found out about the affair and kicked him out, I would assume he had no intention of leaving his wife and OW was his booby prize. I would wonder how long it would be till he cheated on her and whether he already was, if he had had more than one OW on the go.

If he met her on a married person’s dating site I would wonder how many other husbands in our social circle he had recommended it to.

There are just loads of variables that would affect my response. There’s nothing constructive for you in wondering about this.

This is great!

OP posts:

Original poster

Beezar · 12/09/2023 19:20

Sethos · 12/09/2023 18:03

I’ve no idea why people are being so horrible and dismissive, @Beezar - anyone would think you’d forced them to engage with your thread, or something.

To answer your question, what I thought in that scenario would depend on what I knew of the couple, I guess. If they’d always seemed happy together then I’d think that there was either stuff going on behind the scenes, or that he’d probably followed his dick out of a happy/ normal/ needed working on marriage. Even if the marriage seemed unhappy, unless the woman was clearly absolutely horrible, I’d still think the bloke was a bit of a spineless shit for leaving in that way.

Yeah I know. It’s like ‘just go to another thread if you don’t like the spirit of this one’.

stop picking apart whether I am valid and justified for starting it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beezar · 12/09/2023 19:24

Workermum · 12/09/2023 17:56

"The marriage was over" is a cliche and is never true- It wasn't "over" because no one had left or instigated a divorce. So the cheating was a choice- pure and simple. And it was that choice that ended the marriage.

My view. Spot on. Having a bad marriage and having an affair are mutually exclusive things.

both parties are culpable for one, only one person is culpable for the other.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beezar · 12/09/2023 19:31

Am surprised so many posters are actually thinking a bad marriage is a fair reason for an affair.

I don’t think that an affair is ever justified.

you cannot divert from the seriousness of infidelity with the excuse ‘my spouse doesn’t understand me’ or whatever.

break up first, no excuses

OP posts:

Original poster

Beezar · 12/09/2023 19:32

Yet you have wondered about it extensively @nomoreacorns

OP posts:

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 12/09/2023 20:04

Beezar · 12/09/2023 19:31

Am surprised so many posters are actually thinking a bad marriage is a fair reason for an affair.

I don’t think that an affair is ever justified.

you cannot divert from the seriousness of infidelity with the excuse ‘my spouse doesn’t understand me’ or whatever.

break up first, no excuses

I don't think an affair is ever justified, but when the marriage actually breaks up, it doesn't really matter if there's another woman/man in the picture. Marriage is over anyway.

The timing of the first shag is not really important, is it?

nomoreacorns · 12/09/2023 20:26

Beezar · 12/09/2023 19:32

Yet you have wondered about it extensively @nomoreacorns

I said there was nothing constructive for you in wondering about it. For me, its an idle leisure pursuit to pass a bit of time on this site. But you could drive yourself bonkers wondering what other people may or may not be thinking, and you'd still never know. Better to focus on yourself and building a positive view of yourself than trying to mindsight what others may think. Your real friends will be on your side and sod the rest.

Catlover100 · 12/09/2023 20:40

I would assume it was an affair and that the OW was lined up and waiting in the wings.

And if I was told it wasn't an affair I would still think the H was pretty heartless and disrespectful not to let the dust settle before embarking on a new relationship.

Original poster

Beezar · 12/09/2023 21:17

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 12/09/2023 20:04

I don't think an affair is ever justified, but when the marriage actually breaks up, it doesn't really matter if there's another woman/man in the picture. Marriage is over anyway.

The timing of the first shag is not really important, is it?

Show quote history

What is ‘break up’?

I guess it’s the old friends thing: ‘we were on a break’

you can only break up a marriage if both of you have consented to it or if one of you breaks one of the ‘rules’.

So, no in my book you cannot shag someone else because you have independently decided the marriage was ‘over’. It isn’t over until both of you have undone what was once done officially and you are divorced or categorically agree unofficially that it is (say by separating and both telling people that it is).

OP posts:

FrazzledHippy · 12/09/2023 21:19

That he didn't have the respect or the courage to break up with his wife before he started shagging around. Morals of an alley cat

Original poster

Beezar · 12/09/2023 21:22

nomoreacorns · 12/09/2023 20:26

I said there was nothing constructive for you in wondering about it. For me, its an idle leisure pursuit to pass a bit of time on this site. But you could drive yourself bonkers wondering what other people may or may not be thinking, and you'd still never know. Better to focus on yourself and building a positive view of yourself than trying to mindsight what others may think. Your real friends will be on your side and sod the rest.

Show quote history

Such double standards. How do you know that I’m not passing away the time in a similar manner? You assume I’m here tearing out my hair out but I’m not. I was just wondering. That’s ok, isn’t it? In a chat room. About relationships. To ‘wonder’ about my relationships?

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/09/2023 21:31

The reality is that in real life there will be a massive mix of things people think and there’s no point trying to second guess it. Some people will think your ex is a total dick. Some people will wonder what you did to drive him away. Some people will speculate that you were withholding sex and that’s why he went elsewhere. Some people really aren’t particularly invested in what goes on in other people’s relationships and will just want to keep out of it. You probably don’t want to think that the middle two will be said, and often you won’t know which of the people around you thinks what because they’ll generally say the first thing in the list to your face and the others behind your back. I’ve known many couples break up, and I’ve seen the same speculation play out. Previous posters are right that the best thing you can do is to focus yourself and rebuilding, it’s the only constructive action.

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 12/09/2023 21:41

Beezar · 12/09/2023 21:17

What is ‘break up’?

I guess it’s the old friends thing: ‘we were on a break’

you can only break up a marriage if both of you have consented to it or if one of you breaks one of the ‘rules’.

So, no in my book you cannot shag someone else because you have independently decided the marriage was ‘over’. It isn’t over until both of you have undone what was once done officially and you are divorced or categorically agree unofficially that it is (say by separating and both telling people that it is).

Show quote history

I disagree. If someone has decided the marriage is over, it's over, the paperwork and official sides of things are just details.

It's a good thing, no one (mainly no woman) can be forced to stay with a husband/wife when they want out!

AlrightThen · 13/09/2023 08:03

Then I would go back another ten years, not just twenty, in my thinking with regards to his marriage.

Janieforever · 13/09/2023 08:08

Beezar · 12/09/2023 21:17

What is ‘break up’?

I guess it’s the old friends thing: ‘we were on a break’

you can only break up a marriage if both of you have consented to it or if one of you breaks one of the ‘rules’.

So, no in my book you cannot shag someone else because you have independently decided the marriage was ‘over’. It isn’t over until both of you have undone what was once done officially and you are divorced or categorically agree unofficially that it is (say by separating and both telling people that it is).

Show quote history

I’m afraid I also disagree with uou op. If you were right then the outcome would be horrendous for some, take an abused woman, her partner won’t agree, so she has to stay and not be with anyone else? No. It’s not right.

any one person can decide a relationship is over. The other doesn’t need to agree, you can’t be forced to stay with someone. I do agree that no one should cheat, however I believe once it’s over, it’s a moot point if they go else where, they just should be brave enough to end it before it becomes anything else.

im also not sure where you’re going, you aappear to think your husband had to stay with uou unless you agreed it was over. That’s not healthy thinking. In fact it’s controlling. That doesn’t mean he should have cheated.

as a pp said, you can’t guess what people will think , everyone will have different views, and the state of the relationship before any 3rd party will be part of that for those who know.