What would you think if a man says...

[Beezar]

...that the reason his marriage broke up after 20 years is because the relationship broke down a long time ago.

But then you learn that at the point of breaking up, he had another woman and is still with her.

YABU - you accept the other woman occured as the result of the broken down marriage
YANBU - you believe the other woman was the catalyst for the decision.

Don't over think it. What initially springs to mind?

Happy marriages are not immune from cheating, and an affair is not always a symptom of an unhappy or doomed marriage.

it's not exactly the sign of a happy or healthy marriage, whether it's the husband or the wife who cheats!

The 'don't overthink it' is there for a reason.

You hear this on the grapevine about a man you know. But that's ALL you get to know.

I just want to know what your first knee jerk reaction would be.

Do you hear the 'bad marriage' or do you hear the 'OW'?

Just interested.

so you are actually talking about gossips?

In that case, then my first knee jerk reaction would be to think "get a life" about the person spreading the rumours, and wondering if their life is so boring they have to be involved in useless gossips 😂

From this snapshot probably the man thought the relationship was doomed already and meeting this other woman was the final nail in the coffin

Not that it makes it any better. The man could have ended it at the point he felt the relationship was over and not had an affair.

Depending on how long he felt the relationship was dead for I’d also wonder if there’d been other women prior.

to be fair, you don't even know this is my H.

you have all jumped to conclusions.

Of course it IS my H! But it might not have been.

You are giving me advice I don't need. I just wanted to know what YOU would make of it.

Which is why I said 'don't over think it' just tell me what quickly comes to mind.

People talk. That is human nature. We have a big network, there will be LOTS of analysis.

How can you possibly think that news of a long established couple breaking up won't spark speculation?

I don't mind. I'm just kinda making a few bets with myself over how what the general concensus will be.

Well, from FB it looks like an old friend of ours has left his wife and kids and has found himself a younger woman and I just thought 'you fucking idiot'.

It's my perogative as the OP and the person whose marriage has just broken up to obsess about it. I guarantee you would too if you were in my position.

It doesn't mean you guys to whom this means absolutely nothing need to obsess over it too.

I would think the OW was the catalyst and they're both dickheads tbh

That's the spirit @JaninaDuszejko!

There's no advice on the post you quoted. It's just an answer to your question: I would make of it that the marriage isn't working anymore. What do you want people to say?

In a few years, if I learn that the new couple is still happy together, I would think that they did the right thing.

I think you imagine that other people actually care about it all, it's nothing to do with anyone about from the newly separated couple, people change, they move on, we don't have to stay with partners when things don't work. It's a good thing.

Some people won't care, but a lot of people will. I know at least 20 people who are likely to be dining out on this for years. It's what makes the world go round...

You got it.

They really do. Some men are really good at compartmentalizing. Their feelings for their wife and other woman exist entirely separately.

If you think 'happily married' men don't cheat then you are sadly mistaken. Men take a very different attitude to sex than women do. They will justify all kinds of behaviour to 'excuse' themselves. Including 'the marriage was over anyway.'

if that makes you feel better, go for it.

why on earth would that make me feel better?

if you think happily married men don't cheat, then you crack on... if it makes you feel better

no no, you are right, the sign of a happy marriage and a man in love is to have him cheat 😂

I say man, but works for women too.

People fall in and out of live all the time

It can't be helped

It is what is

Sometimes people get hurt

Ok, if I heard that the man had left for OW:

If the wife was my friend I would 100 per cent be on her side and think he was a fucking dick.

If he was my friend and he left his wife for a younger woman I would think he was a sad sack loser mid age stereotype. And not like him much anymore.

If I had never particularly liked the wife I would be sympathetic to him leaving ( though not if OW was much younger as that would still make him a sad sack).

if he left for a woman his age or older I would assume the marriage was not great and he had fallen in love and not be too harsh on him.

If I knew the wife found out about the affair and kicked him out, I would assume he had no intention of leaving his wife and OW was his booby prize. I would wonder how long it would be till he cheated on her and whether he already was, if he had had more than one OW on the go.

If he met her on a married person’s dating site I would wonder how many other husbands in our social circle he had recommended it to.

There are just loads of variables that would affect my response. There’s nothing constructive for you in wondering about this.

No matter the circumstances of the marriage once I hear of an OW I think the cheater is a dick. If the marriage is over the dignified thing to do is end things and try salvage a friendship, especially if there's children involved.

The lack of respect and care for someone you once loved enough to marry is appalling and extremely selfish. Keeping you on the hook while funneling all his attention and affection to another person is one of the cruelest things you can do to a person. In my own experience I also dealt with a huge amount of emotional abuse and contempt/blame which was a total mind fuck.

I'd also be aware that the 'marriage had been dead for years' trope is part of the script cheaters use to try re-write history and make them selves look better. It's natural to worry about how this will all be viewed in your circle of friends and I won't lie when something like this happens, you get to see who your real friends are. I had some real surprises in that department which was hard to deal with on top of losing my relationship. Years on I can now see it was all for the best and any one I lost wasn't an authentic friend.

You need to focus on your long term happiness now, screw the gossips and focus on yourself and what you want. That's all that's important now.

If it makes you feel more secure to believe happily partnered men don’t cheat, then you go for it.

This.

In fact I know I was the catalyst for the end of a marriage, but I was entirely innocent of any wrongdoing, had no inappropriate sexual or intimate emotional contact with the man in question, and it was his wife who, after meeting me (once) and seeing her husband’s work decisions in a new light, ended things.

I only knew I was (sort of) involved two years later.

there's a lot of projection on this thread isn't it.

I think it's a very lazy option to think that men cheat, and the poor innocent wife has nothing to do with it, however perfect she might be.

There are 2 people in a relationship. It's never black and white, but you'd think that in 2023, we would stop consider women, or wives, as mindless idiots instead of equal partners. If one cheats, it's not a good marriage and a healthy relationship.

This, 100%