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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for sending my dad an email to complain about my sisters bullying and asking to go where dad lives and study in sn international school?

65 replies

cattyfacts · 12/09/2023 08:11

I have always been bullied by my younger sister by 3 years.
Since we go to the same school, we have to go home together. I dread going home with her because she always insults me and grabs my phone. She makes me carry her violin for her and watch the bus , which is the opposite direction of my screen so that i dunno what she is doing with my phone. She also shoves me whenever she gets the chance to. When we meet mum at home, she suddenly turns nice again.

She loves barging into my room and mess with my belongings AND scan the tabs,on my laptop. On the other hand, I am not allowed to look at some of her things, and should i accidentally touch her stuff, i get bullied horribly.

She makes me feel inferior and disgusting all the time. I hate spending time with her.

This has been going on for a year until last Friday, when I had had it and sent my dad an email about how she was bullying me. In the email I asked to move back to HK(where my dad works, i emigrated to Aus) and study in an international school. (my grades will suffer if go back to local school since wont be able to pick up the chinese) Dad replied with a joke and said it isnt feasible. I will post a screenshot of the emails later when i get home to my laptop.

She has always been mean to me, which has escalated in the past two years.

My mum is mad at me for sending the email since she thinks I am overreacting. She says she has already done what she could, sending her rrminders (an email saying dont bully), which doesnt work at all. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
cattyfacts · 12/09/2023 13:02

Hopinghonestly · 12/09/2023 08:29

Yes id see if dad can make it feasible. Lifes too short to deal with drama let alone in your own home. Why does mum send an email and not talk face to face?

Also dad explicitly stated that it won't be feasible.

OP posts:
Original poster
cattyfacts · 12/09/2023 13:04

historyrepeatz · 12/09/2023 09:24

YANBU I only had to deal with my younger sister at home not outside too which would probably have tipped me over the edge. I was seen as the mad one because I reacted and no one saw her intentionally winding me up. She knew she could get away with it. It's very upsetting to have your parents do nothing and worse believe the wrong child. Sometimes they don't have the capacity to deal with it sometimes they feel you are the one being hard work or inconvenient as you are bothering them which is wrong.

As pp have advised I would talk to whatever student support you have available at school to help you now.

Can you sign up to after school activities/ study groups/ just stay in the library so you don't have to go home with your sister?

Mum thinks its a waste of time to stay at school for longer than needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
cattyfacts · 12/09/2023 13:09

TotalOverhaul · 12/09/2023 10:18

I'm afraid the only way to handle bullies is to stand up to them. Hide your phone deep in your school bag so she can't see it. Refuse to carry her violin. Just put it on the ground if she hands it to you and say very calmly; it's your responsibility not mine. Never ever carry it onto the bus. Leave it on the ground and get onto the bus. If she has a tantrum, listen to it as if she were a wild creature screeching. Nothing to do with you. Try to sit next to someone else on the bus so there is no space for her to sit beside you.

Use your age as a deterrent. You must be taller and stronger than her to some extent. If you're not, start doing physical strength exercises so you can resist her.

Can you get a lock for your bedroom door?

if your mother isn't handling this effectively, can you speak to anyone at school and explain that it is affecting your grades?

Whatever you do, if you stand up really firmly to bullies and decide that their opinion of you is utterly meaningless and their behaviour will never be tolerated by you again, then they usually back down.

I have to use my phone while waiting for the bus though, since I am the only one with a SIM card and have to track the bus and update with my mum.

The bus we take home usually have few people so it would be weird if I sit next to a total stranger.

Both of us are not even allowed to close our bedroom door. Mum just thinks we would not be doing work if we close our doors.

OP posts:
MolyHacaroni · 12/09/2023 13:15

Tell someone in your school anyway...and tell them what your mum said. A professional will be able to get to the bottom of it and hopefully figure out that your mum only cares about your sister enough to support her bullying you.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 12/09/2023 13:24

@Crimblecrumble1990
Aye!

Throwncrumbs · 12/09/2023 13:24

Is it the smallest violin in the world? 😂

SomePig · 12/09/2023 13:36

This is the mum from the previous thread posting for sure. Same linguistic dysfluencies. The kid in this situation would be a more fluent English speaker, having spoken English from childhood.

historyrepeatz · 12/09/2023 14:11

Your mum is siding with your sister anyway. You might as well talk to someone at school about it. How old are you? Is there no one from school you know that takes the same route as you that you can confide in?

Mix56 · 12/09/2023 14:18

So where are you in your scholarity ? How old is your sister ?
Someone needs to hear you, have your back, support you. Even though you say your Mother threatens she will take sisters side. The school will not necessary be so easily misled.

Meanwhile I suggest you work really REALLY hard to get the best grades, to go to University, somewhere far away ! Make excuses not to go home in the holidays, get a job & as far away as these people as you can

TotalOverhaul · 12/09/2023 14:34

cattyfacts · 12/09/2023 13:09

I have to use my phone while waiting for the bus though, since I am the only one with a SIM card and have to track the bus and update with my mum.

The bus we take home usually have few people so it would be weird if I sit next to a total stranger.

Both of us are not even allowed to close our bedroom door. Mum just thinks we would not be doing work if we close our doors.

Show quote history

You can't update your mother if your sister has your phone...

MermaidEyes · 12/09/2023 14:53

This thread is real tho--- am sharing screenshots

Where?!

mathanxiety · 12/09/2023 15:11

Keep your phone in your pocket on the bus. Change your pin.

Put her violin down and walk away from it. Walk away if she tries to hand it to you. Do not handle that violin. Do not engage with her on the subject of who carries the violin.

Sit on the bus, fold your arms, look straight ahead. Don't talk to her, answer her, or look at her.

When you're in your room, put a chair or other furniture against the door so she can't come in.

You can do a lot to protect yourself here. Running back to HK - or running away in general - isn't the way to deal with problems.

mathanxiety · 12/09/2023 15:15

You are far too obedient. My guess is you have been raised in a culture that values 'face' over everything else.

Close your bedroom door. Put furniture against it.

Talk to the school if anyone gives you trouble over this.

Tell the school your mum has tried to prevent you from talking to the school (she has threatened to support your abusive sister if you shame the family by revealing family problems, essentially).

mathanxiety · 12/09/2023 15:17

You do not have to update your mother about the bus. She can track it herself if she has a phone.

What is she going to do to you if you refuse to update her? Take your phone? Then she won't be able to track you.

Your mother is coming across as a controlling horror show here, whose only priority is your academic progress.

You must talk to the school.

Iloveavocadoes · 12/09/2023 15:28

Talk to the school. Your mum is horrific and she needs some responsible adults to make this clear to her

Original poster
cattyfacts · 13/09/2023 10:09

SomePig · 12/09/2023 13:36

This is the mum from the previous thread posting for sure. Same linguistic dysfluencies. The kid in this situation would be a more fluent English speaker, having spoken English from childhood.

I grew up in Hong Kong, just moved to Australia 2 years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
cattyfacts · 13/09/2023 10:13

MermaidEyes · 12/09/2023 14:53

This thread is real tho--- am sharing screenshots

Where?!

Here is one of dad's reply:
Cant paste screenshots here
Charlotte my lovely daughter, I know how you feel. Here’s what I think -

For her, she will sooner or later learn big lessons & pay her price (she will get into trouble, for sure, if she continues to misbehave). You can feel pity for her, but you should not focus on thinking of everything about her (like how she change her face, when her lesson will come, etc). Otherwise you will become a loser. To turn it back, you should in fact focus on your own being, which is:

You know what, you might meet similar troublesome people or encounter similar situations by occasions during your long life journey, some might even be worse than her. From what I experienced, we should learn to think of a problem/situation not from the perspective of being fair or unfair, but from the perspective of how I can tackle it positively & bravely, and how I can take sth away from an unfavourable experience so that I can become stronger & stronger while keeping a beautiful mind. Then you will be the REAL WINNER, which you will feel from your inside & become more confident in yourself.

Trust me. Not sure if my above guidance is too difficult for you, if so please read a few times until you get sth from it. I want you to build/maintain a strong & beautiful mind, don’t let others to damage it.

Do your OWN best is the key to becoming strong & keeping you happy.

Love u, DAD.

OP posts:
grenadeapple · 13/09/2023 10:23

Sounds like an A1 reply.

HorseyHorsham · 13/09/2023 10:33

At one level, he’s right. But it is an obnoxiously shit answer. To quote my old boss “All possible assistance, short of any real help”.

He is telling you that he is not prepared to help. My advice would be a reply along the lines of
“Dad, please don’t minimize or deflect the issue. You have a responsibility and the situation is untenable. I am not prepared to be complicit in being treated like this, and if it’s embarrassing or hard on you or Mum, I don’t care, why on earth should I?”

ImGoingThroughChanges · 13/09/2023 10:38

Your dad is right but a little ‘Fuck off sis’ when no one’s listening wouldn’t do any harm.

HorseyHorsham · 13/09/2023 10:44

ImGoingThroughChanges · 13/09/2023 10:38

Your dad is right but a little ‘Fuck off sis’ when no one’s listening wouldn’t do any harm.

I think OP is much much better off properly escalating this.

Original poster
cattyfacts · 13/09/2023 11:30

ImGoingThroughChanges · 13/09/2023 10:38

Your dad is right but a little ‘Fuck off sis’ when no one’s listening wouldn’t do any harm.

She will definitely make a scene should I say anything like that to her. I will definitely get in trouble

OP posts:
HorseyHorsham · 13/09/2023 11:45

cattyfacts · 13/09/2023 11:30

She will definitely make a scene should I say anything like that to her. I will definitely get in trouble

Show quote history

So what if you get in trouble? Really what can your mother do here when you calmly repeat to your mother. “I am not goin along with this. The answer is no, and I am not keeping it secret any longer. Tell her to carry her own violin, my answer is no.”

To your mother you must be deadly calm, to your sister you must go for the jugular every single time and you must must must be prepared to escalate.

HorseyHorsham · 13/09/2023 11:46

Trouble is your escape route. (But be excellent at school)

LaRevolution · 13/09/2023 11:50

How old are you, OP?

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