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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is this an overreaction to kid getting injured?

120 replies

Goldfishonabike · 12/09/2023 07:21

DS just started reception (disclaimer - am in Europe so this means kids are 5/6 yrs).
he has been settling well and have bonded with several boys, one of whom we invited over for a playdate on Sunday afternoon. I invited the parents to stay for coffee as first time so thought they may want to get acquainted a bit, but they politely refused and said they’d just drop the boy off. I already met the mum twice at school and had a friendly chat. The dad dropped the boy off and seemed to be in a hurry to leave. The boy played well for about 2 hours (play date was meant to be 2.5 hours), both in the garden and inside, with me keeping an eye on them but not being next to them every single minute. Just 20 mins before the boys pick up
time I was in the loo when I hear a shout and cry and DS comes running and tells me the friend got hurt. I rush to him and see he has banged his head against the radiator which is behind the sofa, bleeding and there is cut. I cuddle him and clean the wound and call the parents immediately and explain and apologize profusely. I can tell the cut will likely need gluing but no stitching, as it’s a bit gaping but not very deep or big. The dad arrives shortly after and seems ok although understandably not happy and worried, together we inspect the wound and DH offers to take them to emergency, but as the dad is on his bike and the live not too far away he says it’s okay and he’ll go home and then take the boy to emergency. All through this both DH and I are being polite, very apologetic and kind to the boy. In my panic I tell the dad that DS once heard his head on the same radiator and I’ve been meaning to move the sofa but haven’t got around to it. (DS hurt his head on it three years ago, we have since hosted hundreds of playdates and no child ever got hurt at our house ever before or even went near the radiator, so I had forgotten about it entirely). Later that evening I text the dad and ask how the boy is and apologize again. No response. The next day there’s a coffee morning in DS’s class, my husband attends and the boy and his parents are there, DH says the dad is chatty and seems ok and tell
him the boy indeed went to A&E and got his wound clued, but the mum is avoiding DH. I then sent her a message last night asking how the boy is and saying I understand his head was glued and I hope he will recover soon and that I’m so sorry her got injured at our house. She only responds hours later with a thumbs up. No words. Now, I’m certain that’s an expression she’s angry with us, and I feel so terrible and worried. I mainly feel really bad a child got injured in my care, but Im not sure there was much I could’ve done different. While it’s true that radiator by the sofa isn’t very safe, I’ve literally hosted 100 of playdates over the years and no kid ever went near it as they usually play in DS’ room. I suppose I could have been more vigilant and ensured that they didn’t go in the living room, but as I was in the loo, I hadn’t noticed that they went in there. I think likely they’re angry because it’s just generally upsetting when your child Gets hurt, especially in someone else’s care, and that perhaps because in my panic I told them that DS also once got hurt there, they think I should’ve thought about keeping the boys away from the sofa, and I do feel terribly guilty that I didn’t think of it, but as mentioned, we have hosted hundreds of playdates and never has anyone got near that radiator, so it just don’t occur to me at all, which is suppose is my fault at some level. However I did apologize several times and do all I could to help, so I don’t understand the mum’s behavior, and am very stressed out about it, especially at the beginning of a new school, when we will have to be in the same class with these parents for years to come, it feels really stressful to start off with an incident like this. Wondering what else I can do at this stage?

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 12/09/2023 09:20

She’s just being mildly cool, she hasn’t criticised you or complained. But apologising over and over again is unnecessary. It’s really annoying when people do that.

inappropriateraspberry · 12/09/2023 09:21

You're overthinking this. The boy is ok, you've apologised, just move on. Your son can update you on how he is if you want to know, but I'd stop pestering the parents. The thumbs up are fine, she's telling you all is good - why would you read into it that she's angry? If you have different languages, a thumbs up is a lot easier and quicker than finding the right words in English.

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2023 09:22

The first time she trusts you to care for her child, he ends up in hospital needing his head glued back together. You then admit you knew the risk because your own DS has already injured himself in exactly the same way and (in her eyes) you did nothing to mitigate the risk.

Yes, accidents happen and once her DS is healed I'm sure she'll accept that, but for now she's still upset and her son is injured - she just needs some time to come to terms with it without needing to pacify your anxieties

I'd agree with this.

I'd not be annoyed if DC injured themselves on a play date, but would be a bit hmm if they needed their head gluing. I'd still probably chalk it up to kids being kids though as at that age accidents can happen and the parent probably already feels awful.

I'd be very frustrated if the reason my child needed their head gluing is because the parent knew there was an obvious hazard, enough that their own child had been injured previously, but didn't do anything about it. In that situation the last thing I'd want to be doing is pacifying the parent that it's ok, don't worry about it, these things happen etc. Their emotions aren't my responsibility.

GentrifiedLDN · 12/09/2023 09:24

Yes you are definitely reading too much into the thumbs up.

It is almost like you need them to make you feel better - but they won't - and they don't need to, you are not the injured party here. It is not on them to make you feel better about this

I don't think overly apologizing further will do any good here, but I would make one last ditch attempt at rectifying and take a family gift round ie a box of chocolates and apologise face to face

Other than that, there is nothing you can do.

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/09/2023 09:24

User3735 · 12/09/2023 08:46

A thumbs up on its own is absolutely a well known passive aggressive reaction. I never use the thumbs up emoji now incase it is taken the wrong way. I think the mum is being rude, accidents happen. The were rude not to come in and have a coffee. I don't tend to bond well worn parents who don't care about getting to know other parents and who are overly precious about accidents so at least you know now these are not the kind of people you want as best friends.

In some places in the UK, maybe. Across Europe they don't have weird undertones to perfectly ordinary terms and emojis that the British seem to have. I wouldn't assume that the thumbs up emoji means something passive aggressive to another culture, when it's more likely to mean "it's OK".

OP's acquaintances are probably thinking "Well these things happen, would rather they didn't but hey, it's part of life". With a side dash of "What on earth was Pedro doing to hurt himself like that?!"

We also have a radiator that is higher than the sofa back. Occasionally someone dings their elbow or the back of their head on it in ordinary use, resulting in a bony clunk and "Yow!" You'd have to be really messing around to actually hit hard enough to draw blood...

Goldfishonabike · 12/09/2023 09:25

It’s very interesting and telling how different people’s opinions are if this incident and of a thumbs up emoji, that’s why I love mumsnet as it helps to see how diverse interpretations and viewpoints there are on things!
yet another reason and reminder why getting to know parents of your kids friends is important, to avoid misunderstandings. I’ve decided based on this that my previous approach of ensuring that I got to know parents before inviting kids over was correct, due to kids getting older and hosting so many play dates I think I got too relaxed around it.

OP posts:
Sofasurfer23 · 12/09/2023 09:25

You are trying to hard and this would annoy me more to be honest if I was the mum. Just leave it, if she’s angry she needs to work through these emotions and then we might become friendly again. Just leave her to process imo

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 12/09/2023 09:25

Having thought about it some more, I wonder if you're seeking reassurance from her because you know it was avoidable and so you feel extra guilty?

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 12/09/2023 09:28

I wouldn't assume that the thumbs up emoji means something passive aggressive to another culture, when it's more likely to mean "it's OK".

The thumbs up emoji is definitely passive aggressive in other countries too - it's not just a UK interpretation.

Obviously it can genuinely mean "that's okay" but it can definitely also be a way of shutting people up and avoiding an argument.

GolgafrinchamB · 12/09/2023 09:28

The sofa thing is easily resolved, OP
Cut blocks of wood off a 4x4 to the length needed to keep the sofa forward from the radiator - say around 10cm? Any local hardware store will cut them for you.

Put those against the wall behind the sofa legs and as they will stop the sofa from being shoved back.

Of course the other mum is a bit off with you - her son went for a play date and ended up with an injury requiring a&e. It’s regrettable but it’s not her job to make you feel better.

Give it time.

Goldfishonabike · 12/09/2023 09:29

also that’s why I’m no fan of emoji use with people you don’t know well. Emojis aren’t universally interpreted in one way only. For example in UK - this is interesting so I’d be curious to hear if I’d understood correctly, a heart emoji is used to show sympathy for example as in “I hope you feel better” sort of “I feel your pain” whereas in Europe it means I love what you just said. In Nothern Europe where I am, a thumbs up to a kind message is rude and cold. But perhaps to this mum who’s Spanish, it isn’t. I’m a fan of language. It’s why we have it, for gods sake! Emojis are for kids or closer relationships imo.

OP posts:
Goldfishonabike · 12/09/2023 09:30

That’s a great idea, thank you!

OP posts:
Goldfishonabike · 12/09/2023 09:31

That was @GolgafrinchamB
neither DH or I are very handy, as you can probably tell

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 12/09/2023 09:34

You need to stop apologising. If you are as panicked in real life as you come across in this post, then it's going to stress out the parent. You shouldn't have explained that the sofa/wall situation because you are creating blame for yourself when it was just an accident. It would be unreasonable for you to watch the kids 100% of the time and there's no way to predict every potential hazard in your home because accidents happen- my son would fall walking on perfectly flat pavement.
The parents might have been shocked when their son got injured but rehashing the incident and apologising isn't going to help move on. The little boy is fine and it almost sounds like you want reassurance from the parents which is prolonging the drama.
You know how to deal with this hazard in your home - whether the radiator need a cover or play dates are banned from the room.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/09/2023 09:36

However I did apologize several times and do all I could to help, so I don’t understand the mum’s behavior, and am very stressed out about it

Her behaviour being...sending a thumbs up to a message but otherwise not engaging?!

Ok.

I think you're being very defensive, a child got cut badly enough to require hospital at your house. I wouldn't necessarily be angry if that were me, but I probably wouldn't be rushing to make friendly small talk with you directly after the fact.

I think the fact she responded at all means she's not angry and is just processing her feelings about it. Like others say, she's probably feeling a bit annoyed with herself that they left the child with you without staying.

You're trying to hard. Draw a line under it, it was an accident and you have apologised. Now leave her alone.

ColleenDonaghy · 12/09/2023 09:37

Complete non event, these things happen. She's being rude not to reply to your message, you're probably ramping up the drama a little and implying you were at fault by texting so often. Just leave it, it'll blow over soon.

Ffghhhbdbfb · 12/09/2023 09:37

It sounds like everyone handled it well. The only time I have been annoyed and avoided parents for future play dates was when DC had a cut that needed stitches and they stuck a plaster on it and did not call us. Ended up with a late night trip to A and E.

Goldfishonabike · 12/09/2023 09:37

@andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow well of course I do, but I also feel like that in any household there are potentially sharp corners etc., can’t wrap the whole place in cotton wool, I feel this way because I grew up with a very difficult and previous mum who overprotected my sister and I and wouldn’t even let us do age appropriate things in case we got hurt, and I’m generally over protective of my own and others kids too, to the point of not allowing things others allow, so it’s very unlike me to allow something like this to happen and it kicks up a ton of anxiety from my own childhood and around my own parenting, which isn’t the other mums fault or responsibility to solve for me. I think I need to do my own inner work to calm
my panic and then also just put those wooden blocks behind the sofa! And finally, recognizing that I don’t deal well with things like this, I need to make sure I know parents better before I invite kids over.

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 12/09/2023 09:38

Also, presume I'm being thick but I can't figure it out - why does a sofa being pushed back against a radiator mean they're likely to bang their head on the radiator?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/09/2023 09:40

Firstly the parents are not overreacting - they really haven't reacted much at all, or entered into the drama in any way.

OP, the one overreacting is you - stop ruminating, stop over-explaining, stop overthinking and please PLEASE don't listen to the people on this thread encouraging you to believe the child's mother is now coldly furious with you. There is zero reason to think that. She is probably just thinking you need to take a few deep breaths.

Move the sofa if you want, but they will just smack their heads into something else. That is what children do.

Goldfishonabike · 12/09/2023 09:40

Yes, I often end up trying too hard. It’s due to my upbringing and I recognize it’s happened in this case too.

OP posts:
Goldfishonabike · 12/09/2023 09:41

Thanks for bringing things into perspective for me!

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 12/09/2023 09:55

You are expecting her to absolve you of responsibility - she is not willing to do that - nor is she accusing you of neglect. It is far from an over reaction. She is choosing not to share her reaction with you.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2023 10:00

What is it about the radiator that makes it so dangerous? It sounds like it's got a particularly sharp corner or edge to have cut his head so badly? I'm which case you should have dealt with it (via landlord or covering it during playdates) or banned them from using it.

Of course she's upset but she's clearly trying to not get drawn into your drama or over react

Just give her space and fix the dangerous things in your house. Don't just move the sofa.

RaininSummer · 12/09/2023 10:07

Surely a radiator behind a sofa is only a risk of injury if children are being idiots anyway. Leaping around a house like it's a bouncy castle does usually result in injury or a damaged house. Were the boys bouncing on the sofa or something like that. Anyway..let it go.