DD’s weight

[Palacelife]

Posting here for traffic
my DD has always been a comfort eater and she puts on weight easily.
I’ve always been conscious of her diet and tried to feed her as much unprocessed healthy food as possible
what hasn’t helped is that her DF has the complete opposite approach and as I said, she comfort eats.
she’s not hugely overweight, she’s about 5’7’’ and a uk size 14. But at 13 that can be bigger than your peers
she was really distressed last night as someone at school had called her a lump and said she was in the way.
she feels fat and ugly

I’d like to know how to how to help her. What to say, what not to say

if any of you have experienced anything like this or weight issues when younger can you advise me please?

I plan on spending a bit more quality time with her and maybe some of that will be activity but I don’t want that to focus on weight. So will also be time just doing things she enjoys

thnaks 😊

I should add to this, I can’t blame the weight thing on everything but me. I like a sweet treat and biscuits etc but don’t struggle with weight. I shouldn’t have those foods in the house

Stating the obvious but I think she needs to get down to a healthy weight.

Don't want to sound mean spirited, but with phrases like "she is a comfort eater" and "puts on weight easily" I think you are giving a few too many excuses.

My suggestion is cut out sugar.

Hi OP I don't think your daughter's weight is your fault because at 13 I was buying snacks myself and also comfort ate.

At age 13 and 4 months I started a diet without telling anyone. It was a sensible diet and started off rather generous as I knew I'd been binging/comfort eating so I knew it wouldn't succeed if I went from that to a few lettuce leaves a day!!! But I very gradually got stricter but still ate proper meals and fruit.

Anyway - I was 5 ft 1 at 13. Don't know how much I weighed because I felt I couldn't look at the scales on the first day as was worried what they'd say but after 3 weeks of dieting went on the scales and I was 9 stone 4. From that point I continued cutting back very slightly until all I was outside of meals was fruit and got down to 7 stone 9. I looked slim and a normal weight at ) stone 9 for a 13 year old. So I went from a fat child to a normal weight child in 3 and a half months - reaching my goal 4 months before my 14th birthday.

So from my experience OP I think you must let her diet herself when she's ready and just give her plenty of emotional support generally

Sorry for typos - all I ate outside meals was fruit

Just meant to say I didn't tell anyone I was dieting but my dad noticed in the first week he said "you're setting a good example for us all" - he must have noticed less sweet wrappers hidden etc - also my mum chimes in fairly quickly she noticed I was cutting back

5ft 7 and a 14 doesn't sound too bad to me.

But at 13 and secondary school and access to all sorts of junk. You can't control what she eats you have to make her aware of heathly eating.

Lots of girls especially at that age drop out of sports, so encourage her to stay active with you, running, walking, swimming, gym sessions, tennis, something you can do together

Why is it wrong for op to acknowledge that her daughter seeks comfort in food, and then work to change that?

What weight is she ? Size 14 could mean a myriad of weights.

If she is within the healthy BMI range the focus could be on helping her to accept that she is a different shape from her friends and working on developing a healthy diet - maybe do some cooking together.

If she is above the healthy BMI then she does need to lose some weight. I was a fat teen and found it really hard as I loved sweet food and both my parents were slim. You could give up sugar together, that on it's own would possibly be enough to lose the weight.

Good luck with it, you sound like a very supportive DM.

You talk about her father having the opposite approach - are you separated from her father? How old was she when it happened if so, and what was her experience of the breakdown of the relationship?

You say she comfort eats - unless you're just throwing that phrase around that implies a real emotional problem that needs to be looked at. Speaking as a still suffering binge eater here, who as a child used to hide sweets in my room, steal food from cupboards, sell my toys to school friends and rummage in my parents' pockets for loose change so I could feed my addiction. Apart from a genetic predisposition to addiction on both sides, it all stemmed from my feelings of loss and fear in the wake of my parents' messy divorce after my mother suddenly left, my then alcoholic dad's inconsistency in terms of meeting my basic needs, and a desperate need to soothe that anxiety and numb that pain. Early intervention with appropriate therapy, as opposed to my dad belatedly realising I was a fat teen and bodyshamimg me and literally forcing me to run, running along on front of me shouting at me, might have made all the difference. So TALK to her - not about her weight, but about her feelings. Try and get behind why she's comfort eating, what feelings she is pushing away with food. If you can afford it, try and persuade her to consider some appropriate counselling.

But most of all support her. Encourage self-love, self-worth, reassure her she has your love and support no matter what. Make sure she knows her body is always acceptable, her feelings are always acceptable, SHE is always acceptable to you.

She will be ok OP, because she has a mum who cares. Make sure she knows how much you care - about her, not about her weight.

But at 13 and secondary school and access to all sorts of junk. You can't control what she eats you have to make her aware of heathly eating

Every reason to ensure she does not have access to more junk at home then. I imagine a lot of posters saying that her weight is okay will be people justifying the fact they are large too.

OP ensure she knows that she is loved whatever her weight but also try and encourage good eating habits whilst she is with you.

I've got a nineteen year old and a seventeen year old. Both girls.

I've always talked about food and eating and their bodies in quite a blunt way really. As did my own mother to my sister and I. Although growing up I didn't see it as blunt and I don't really understand the tiptoeing around food and weight sometimes.

If you eat too much or if you eat unhealthy food you get fat. (I know there's exceptions)

So I'd be quite practical about it. She's brought it up so she wants to make a change. Have a discussion about not having the junk food in the house. Even if she's buying it herself anyway, it still makes it harder.

Talk about meals, do a bit of a meal plan. It doesn't have to be miserable.

Find an activity she wants to do. Either with you or by herself.

Like you say, she's not that overweight. It's just a kick in the pants to do someone about her health.

I was an obese child. I’ve struggled all my life. You are right to fix this now otherwise it will follow her for the rest of her life. Get rid of all the temptation in the house and make more healthy sweet treats. She’s reached out for help which is a good thing and she’s young enough to get this sorted before it becomes a lifelong issue.

Please please please don’t listen to some of the advice here . Take it from someone whose mother did comment on my weight (in a way I’m sure she thought was gentle but frequent) and I ended up with an eating disorder for seven years. Ironically when I was in the grips of it, everyone commented on how great I was looking. Skinnier doesn’t always mean healthier.

A book that helped me beat my eating disorder eventually was ‘Just Eat It’ by Laura Thomas. It deals with gentle nutrition, eating disorders, comfort eating (which there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with by the way) and societal fat phobia. I really recommend reading it and if - and ONLY if - your daughter expresses any concern to you about eating or her body, pass it on to her.

it sounds like you really care for your daughter and want what’s best for her so don’t put her on a diet. Her size is not your ‘fault’.

I don’t disagree but my teens say this approach is abusive & means I have an ED. Fat shaming etc. A common sense approach doesn’t seem to work these days.

Such a hard one and talk to her about nutrition and nourishment, eating when hungry and stopping when full.
but please don’t encourage dieting, calorie counting, or restrictive plans as that can so easily lead to binge eating and make things much worse

Is she actually overweight OP, sizes are misleading in both directions.

Whats her BMI?

I agree with the tiptoeing. It's a fact that if you eat too much processed food, you'll be overweight and unhealthy.
Processed food is high in calories and low in nutrients. Our bodies need nutrients and our bodies need to move.
Eat the odd biscuit but meals should be high in protein and veg and no more carbs than a third. Get occasional sugar fix from fruit.
And go at least 12 hrs between evening meal and breakfast.

It's so tricky OP. People will give you all sorts of advice but there really isn't a sure fire way to deal with this effectively.

I like your idea of spending more time with her doing stuff she enjoys. And definitely cut down on the unhealthy food in the house and encourage her towards healthy snacks. Lots of veg and protein, smaller portions of bread, pasta etc. But not a "diet" as such. Focus on her behaviour rather than her body - so not commenting on her shape and size, but talking about the healthy choices she makes, encouraging her to help with the cooking, finding tasty food which is also healthy.

Thanks so much

I exercise every day, I’m 5’7’’ 9 and a half stone

I’ve exercised for at least 30 minutes a day for the last 18 years
i eat mostly unprocessed food
I should add that my DD is very sensitive to taste and texture, for example Will know if I change brand of rice or cheddar cheese. She is getting better but would eat limited foods