DD’s weight

[Palacelife]

Posting here for traffic
my DD has always been a comfort eater and she puts on weight easily.
I’ve always been conscious of her diet and tried to feed her as much unprocessed healthy food as possible
what hasn’t helped is that her DF has the complete opposite approach and as I said, she comfort eats.
she’s not hugely overweight, she’s about 5’7’’ and a uk size 14. But at 13 that can be bigger than your peers
she was really distressed last night as someone at school had called her a lump and said she was in the way.
she feels fat and ugly

I’d like to know how to how to help her. What to say, what not to say

if any of you have experienced anything like this or weight issues when younger can you advise me please?

I plan on spending a bit more quality time with her and maybe some of that will be activity but I don’t want that to focus on weight. So will also be time just doing things she enjoys

thnaks 😊

5ft 7 and a 14 doesn't sound too bad to me.

This is ridiculous, she'll be quite significantly overweight. Sign her up to a sports club. Obviously, diet is important but I know you can't put a young teenager on a diet as such.

OP, I was overweight as a teenager as well. It is pretty miserable and hard to know what to do as a parent and how best to approach it with her (and whether to at all) - it's a minefield.

What definitely wasn't helpful, was any kind of comments from my mum about my size.

'Wouldn't you like to slim down a bit?' 'I bet you'd love to be a size 12' etc. Awful, and made me feel shit because it was all about image. But that's obvious I suppose.

I think what might have helped me is my mum leading by example. Not being on a diet, but prioritising her health, and feeling good rather than looking good.

If you make it all about how you feel, it takes away the pressure of body image.

If I'd have come in for lunch as a 14 year old and my mum had made a healthy buffet with salads and proteins and said that she was working on making her body feel really good, I probably would have got on board and joined in. If she said she was going for a walk in the park to get fresh air and make her body feel energised, I probably would have joined in.

Unfortunately she didn't do any of that - she drank slim fast and idolised skinny people who could fit into certain clothes and tried to get me to do the same.

So yes I suppose my tip is, lead by example, and talk to her about what you're doing. She might well choose to join in.

I vividly remember not being allowed a slim fitting Mickey Mouse dress that my friend has as my mum said I was too big for it.

I wasn’t stick thin and had a bit of puppy fat but so what? In my opinion there’s a huge difference between my mum telling me I’m too big and me being allowed to try it on and decide for myself how I look and what I want to do about it.

i think you should be led by your daughter here, she’s had an incident at school, so talk to her and ask what she’d like to do about it. Would she like to lose weight? Would she like to become healthier?

my daughter would eat nothing but cake if I let her. We’re currently doing the couch to 5k programme to help her be more active. I didn’t want food to become a battle but I tend to find for myself that feeling healthier and active made me make better choices naturally, and the improved mood means I don’t need to comfort eat anyway x

I think dedicating more time to doing active things together is a positive step, see what activity she enjoys. You haven’t said if you are separated from her dad or not, either way I think you need to be on the same page about this. Can you get her involved in meal planning and cooking (I’d have zero tolerance for a teen who fusses over brand of cheese, assuming NT), and no unhealthy food in the house

I'd approach with caution, I was a size 12/14 at age 13, felt like I was heavier than my friends. I ended up with an eating disorder. I would try to focus on encouraging exercise, family bike ride, hike on a weekend, an exercise class you both sign up to - yoga etc or a challenge couch to 5k or a school sports club etc. I would not mention her weight unless she asks you for advice. I had a best friend at school who was naturally stick thin & an A* student who I was constantly compared with, and at that age even the littlest comment really stuck with me and set me off with mental health/eating disorder issues.
You could encourage her to get involved in cooking or doing a cooking class together, try to get her interested in food/nutrition. I would go down the exercise route first though, it's amazing how much it can improve your mood and motivate you.

i think you should be led by your daughter here, she’s had an incident at school, so talk to her and ask what she’d like to do about it. Would she like to lose weight? Would she like to become healthier?

I don't agree with this. It validates the person who made the unkind comment, making it appear that they were justified in making it. I think working on her confidence comes first, and making it clear that the person who made the comment was in the wrong.

Nothing wrong with gently introducing healthier eating and a bit of exercise, but everything wrong with making it seem like she has to change to avoid bullying.

I would not post about this on here. You may get some sensible advice but this site is full of eating disordered adults and nothing is done to moderate that content.
This site is basically pro Ana. I would look for advice elsewhere.

Has she started her period? There is sometimes a increase in weight gain just before menstrual periods start.
If she eats for comfort, maybe you could substitute a comfort object instead?
A dog that needs regular walking, but is small enough to cuddle?

Get the whole family over to a healthier way of living. If you have deserts at the weekend just buy them on the day. Work with her to build an exercise habit. She knows she’s a bit overweight, and it isn’t too much, so focus on lifestyle change rather than talking about weight.

The fact you say she comfort eats is more concerning and probably needs some deeper problem solving. What’s that about do you think?

Teen years are really emotionally difficult. Would she like the opportunity to speak to someone? Therapy I mean. Is it affordable? I would address the reasons why she’s comfort eating and then she will be able to work out alternative coping mechanisms and it will stop. Then she will lose weight as she grows. I started comfort eating around this time and it was a problem until I seriously addressed it around 20 years later.

My 15yo DD is the same. All the posters scoffing about the OP's DD having always put weight on easily, have obviously never had a child similar.

DD's brothers are tall and skinny and always have been. They can eat whatever they like and not put on an ounce. DD is different, always has been, and does put weight on much easier. We try and focus on health and wellbeing, eating well and getting fresh air and exercise. We don't tend to have rubbish in the house either. School dinners are not great though!

But it’s a fact.

Comfort eating is not good, especially at that age. I don’t have advice to give, other than try to help her find other coping mechanisms. I had to have a gastric sleeve a couple of years ago in my 50s after spending my adult years comfort eating. It’s been successful, but it’s drastic and you don’t want your daughter to get to my stage

She has, I have PCOS though only symptom is irregular cycle, I have the classic ovaries for it: so possible she could have that too
we have a dog, she’s just agreed to come on a dog walk 😊

I would talk to her about the incident at school and about how it made her feel, about how she is a lovely person and how the other girl had no right to say that and make her feel bad.
I would help her raise her self esteem if I could.
All this talk of loosing weight is just validating the bully.
If your daughter said herself she wanted to loose weight I would take a learning to cook approach talking about healthy food and cooking it.
If she comfort eats or maybe eats from bordem I would think about what she does in the evenings and maybe help make them more structured so she has more to do and less likely to be eating.

Great that she's coming on a walk - is that something she doesn't normally do?

If so then maybe she's already thinking about getting healthier.

If I were you I might gently broach the subject of what happened at school and how she's feeling about things. Just keep the focus on her and her emotions though, not encouraging her to lose weight. Make it clear that the person who made the comment was in the wrong. Tell her she is beautiful (don't validate it with 'whatever your size' etc - just tell her she's beautiful!)

If she's receptive and opens up a bit then you could ask her if she wants to get healthy together and she how good you can both feel. You could talk about mental health too and maybe doing some mindfulness stuff as well.

Just don't talk about weight loss, diets, or image. At all.

maybe going against the grain here, but are you too strict with her food? Does that cause her to binge when she has access to nice food?

my teen DDs are healthy weights and they have free reign on a fully stocked biscuit/chocolate/crisp cupboard. Plus money to raid vending machines at school if they want, but they’re sensible.

While a restrictive approach is not helpful, I think you are naively assuming a lot there. Different people are differently set up biologically. There is a huge genetic component to overeating and obesity. It could be that with the same "open access" approach, one of your Dad's could develop great self control and the other would be obese. It really depends on the individual - the relationships between genetics and environmental factors with regard to obesity are incredibly complicated!

How much does she actually weigh OP? Size 14 can be misleading as sizes vary so much, she may wear things loose or tight etc.

It’s great that you’re a good role model in terms of exercise - could you do easier stuff than you normally do and encourage her to do it with you? If you’re very fit, I could be really off putting do exercise with you if she isn’t as fit. Jo Wicks would be a perfect start for a quick activity.

I’d agree with this- the ability to self- moderate varies massively between people and also what they’re moderating on- eg some people find it really hard to self- moderate on gaming, alcohol, social media, gambling, food etc. but not on the others. I bet on every race at Cheltenham and then don’t think about it for the rest of the year but find moderation with alcohol much harder.

it’s also scientific consensus that increasingly easy access to high calorie, highly palatable foods is driving the global obesity epidemic.

OP I have the challenge of one child with hollow legs and one who is prone to weight gain. My approach is to not have unhealthy “moreish” snacks in the house. There is always food available and I don’t restrict them but I find that less snacking is done when it’s bananas and toast with PB or humous and carrots than when it’s crisps or chocolate. Plus at least they’re eating something with nutrients in it.

A dog is not an ‘object’!!

Where does she get the food for comfort eating? If her comfort eating is a regular thing then I think you need to try and help her develop other coping mechanisms. Not from a weight point of view but from a feeling good about herself point of view. Ask her how she feels after eating a load of junk and explain how it would make you feel rubbish and can cause your mood to dip even more and suggest other things you can do together or she can do for herself next time she has a tough day

My dd is the same height as yours and frequently complained about feeling freakishly tall next to her friends who ended up 5 foot 3 at their filly grown height. She doesn't have weight issues and knows that 5 foot 7 isn't insanely tall in real life but being a teen can leave you very self conscious. Plus teenagers sometimes say really dumb shit - they would have complained if she was taller and blocking the view too.

I would stop having the treats in the cupboards (maybe you forgot that you ran out of biscuits) and work on what dd needs comfort for.

My son has been on a self imposed diet recently and has massively slimmed down. His diet was successful because he was motivated and honest about why he was a bit overweight and stopped eating and drinking his more calorific staples. Your dd knows that she's overweight but needs to be ready to diet before she can successfully slim
down. Nobody lost weight because they were shamed into it and I would guess that shaming will lead to secret eating instead which is even worse.

absolutely stop buying the shit food.

it’s good you recognise your part in this, children learn their relationship with food from their first few bites. Early childhood conversations around food are what causes this

People really think their experience is the only experience, and can’t comprehend that different people have different physiology.

I can both put on and loose weight easil.

@Palacelife I was like your daughter at that age- the only thing that categorically did not help is my mum droning on about it. It just pissed me off… she didn’t understand where I was at and just kept pointing out ‘this isn’t good for you’, ‘that has empty calories’ etc… it was annoying and my stock response was ‘I don’t care- mind your own business’. I also took to saying similar to her every time she opened a bottle of wine or anything remotely unhealthy…

My 15 yo dd in year 11 was overweight. At one stage in primary she was on the 99th centile but also was tall for her age. I was very unwell. It was hard.

Dd hit puberty at 11. At 13 she stopped growing. In the last 2 years she has slimmed down significantly going down 2 blazer / clothes sizes and is now a size 8/10 and could now wear clothes, which fitted her when she was much younger (except we’ve given them away and she’d not wear things she liked age 10). The clothes I bought 2 years ago are far too big. Not through my doing as I was always aware of carb intake to try to get the weight increase under control at primary. She isn’t the only one of her peers to do the same.

Idk when your dd hit puberty but when it is complete, girls hunger can drastically reduce. I know my dd’s has even in the last few months. She is quite happy to eat almost nothing for breakfast and not feel hungry at lunch some days despite being very active. She also doesn’t want an after school snack anymore. I was the same at her age.

I also didn’t talk to my dd about weight. I spoke about being healthy. In primary obviously it was easier to manage and she would ‘obey’ the rules. So in packed lunches she was only allowed one carb eg bread / crisps / crackers etc plus a tiny mini pudding, at the time it was the individually pack malt loaf. The rest was protein, veg and fruit.

Idk how receptive your dd will be about talking to you. But I agree with talking about how it made your dd feel and having an open dialogue on how she feels about her body. If she asks you if you think she’s fat, you can turn that question back to her with a hug and ‘what do you think’ so you’re allowing her to set her own boundaries and opinions rather than from external sources. This, hopefully, will allow her to listen to her body and herself more than other.

If she is receptive, idk if your dd likes carrots. But if she’s hangry / hungry and the meal isn’t far off, you could give her things like this whilst she waits. I read on another thread that this is something given to obese children as a way of supporting their weight loss journey. We should actually eat the vegetables off our plate first to keep us fuller for longer. The French have it right with a starters of veg eg grated celeriac or carrot.