DD’s weight

[Palacelife]

Posting here for traffic
my DD has always been a comfort eater and she puts on weight easily.
I’ve always been conscious of her diet and tried to feed her as much unprocessed healthy food as possible
what hasn’t helped is that her DF has the complete opposite approach and as I said, she comfort eats.
she’s not hugely overweight, she’s about 5’7’’ and a uk size 14. But at 13 that can be bigger than your peers
she was really distressed last night as someone at school had called her a lump and said she was in the way.
she feels fat and ugly

I’d like to know how to how to help her. What to say, what not to say

if any of you have experienced anything like this or weight issues when younger can you advise me please?

I plan on spending a bit more quality time with her and maybe some of that will be activity but I don’t want that to focus on weight. So will also be time just doing things she enjoys

thnaks 😊

You said her father takes a different approach - what's he doing?
Does she live with you full time?

You need to address: her emotional state - it sounds as though she's using food to emotionally self- regulate. You can help her to explore her feelings. Make her feel loved and safe. Help her find other ways of responding to her emotions and self-soothing.

Exercise - crucial at her age not least so she can appreciate her body for what it can do not pick holes in what it looks like.

Nutrition. Is it easy for her to eat whole foods, good sources of protein and at least 5 portions of veg daily (of which 1 or 2 could be fruit).

Going straight to restricting food will be counter-productive. She's not greedy, she's having feelings and she's using food to mask/soothe those feelings. That's the first step.

She's a comfort eater? She can only comfort eat what you buy at that age.

You say you try to feed her as much healthy unprocessed food as possible but why is that hard? She can only comfort eat on processed junk if you buy it. Your cupboards don't need to be full of crisps, biscuits and snacks.

@Goodornot Maybe she has a paper round and buys food herself? Maybe she has an allowance? Maybe granny gives her £10 every Saturday?

It’s quite normal for a 13 year old to have access to their own money. My cousin has had an Etsy shop selling her craft stuff since she was in year 7.

Eating issues here too. My Mum imposed a strict diet for me but used to buy my brother treats because "why should be suffer". Issues for years.

It wasn't until he'd left home that my Mum and I used to take walks every night then I started swimming. I went from a size 16 to about an size 10 over a year.

More importantly, I got one on one time to chat with my Mum and it was also good to have that routine as I approached exams and being able to have that mental head space was good GCSE years / A Levels too.

Dog walks are a good idea.

Biggest change in our household was the pinch of nom books. We went from beige family meals, takeaways and pizzas on a regular basis to healthy, lowish calorie meals almost every day.

We all still have takeaways and the odd treat but now we all appreciate that healthy eating tastes 100x better and the variety of meals the whole family look forward to makes preperation, buying and cost so much easier. Dont kid yourself that eating healthy is more expensive. Its not.

A lot of it boils down to education. Its not so easy to begin with and a bit time consuming to buy the ingredients. But once you get a list of 10 or 20 favourites your shopping becomes easy, your meal times become fun and your family realises that they would rather wait for the amazing dinner than eat a packet of crisps or a Mcdonalds.

Junk food becomes something you eat when you feel like it and you dont give a shit.

This is a good start/foundation. Then its a case of getting hubby to sort himself out and looking at ways to show your daughter how living a healthier lifestyle can be fun.

Oh yes I was 13 once and I had money for school to buy food.

What I didn't have was enough money to buy enough food to comfort eat myself to a size 14 at that age. That would be impressive to do that from pocket money.

A couple of chocolate bars or crisp bags or chips won't do it. Try eating one chocolate bar a day- you wont pile on several stone.

To do that needs over eating over a long period of time And it's likely home thats happened.

Very hard to deal with, my mum trying to deal with it made me eat more and secretly.
Not dealing with it doesn't work either
Sadly I think once a child learns they love food and don't like exercise then this is a monkey they will always have on their back.

You could completely overhaul your own diet for health reasons and start exercising but no mention of her joining, no pressure.

@goodornot I did get to that size from buying my own stuff. I used my lunch money in the bakery every day and pocket money on chocolate. Plus not liking exercise.

Maybe she has more money than you did?

It could also be portion size of healthy foods.

But anyway, if the link between eating and emotion is there (and eating is a massively emotionally charged thing in so many families) that’s what needs to be addressed, just limiting what she has access to is a sticking plaster at best.

I’d leave well alone. My dd was in lockdown at 13. She ate for comfort. Got up to a size 16. At 16 she was diagnosed as ASD. She was eating for sensory reasons.

Now at 17, she’s 5ft 11 and has lost all interest in food. She eats to live. Is probably a size12? Looks lovely.

l held my nerve. It was really hard. We always had accessible treats in the house. But now she’s not interested. Because they were never forbidden.

I was like your DD when I was her age (and younger). I wish my mum did exactly this. Just cut out sugar and do a bit of tough love. Instead I had to do it myself when I was older but (!) I still struggle with weight. I wasn't taught good habits when younger so now it's on me to relearn it. And it's bloody hard. And I'm nowhere near where I should be... 😕

Ah, this is reassuring to read. My daughter has ASD and also eats for sensory reasons - she will snack on anything. I've seen her eat a whole pepper as if it were an apple before! But, she has a very varied and vegetable-full diet, is happy in her own skin, and I've never brought up her weight with her. Holding your nerve is hard though - mainly because of how judged you feel if you have a child who is at all overweight!

I find the leaving well alone method works too. I make healthy meals, buy the odd takeaway and have snacks in the house ranging from celery sticks to chocolate truffles and I don’t restrict anything.

My son can help himself to anything (or not) as he chooses and I very rarely pass comment (beyond ‘you haven’t eaten x for 2 weeks, have you gone off it? So I’m not buying stuff that gets wasted, or please don’t eat all of x, I’m planning to have one later’).

He is thin 🤷‍♀️ and doesn’t over eat (I don’t just think he looks thin, I knows his weight and bmi at all times because it’s reviewed regularly for some medication he is on).

As a ND adult who was normal weight through my teenage years through doing tonnes of additional sports at school but still comfort ate and binged junk food which continued and became a problem as soon as I left the routine of school and sports, I ENTIRELY agree with the above poster.

I'd read up everything from Laura Thomas PhD. I wish I'd had someone approach eating in that way with me when younger. I eventually found that approach through Susie orbach initially then others and it is the ONLY thing that has resonated with me and helped me find peace with food

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow @RonObvious my son has asd too- he is nearly always to be found with a plate of crunchy stuff next to him!

You need to tread carefully. I was size 16 at 14, and from there I just stopped eating until I was a size 6 and being treated for anorexia. Took me 10 years to recover and get my life back on track. It’s genuinely better to be overweight than fall into that.

Don’t mention her weight, just focus on healthy eating, upping exercise and making little changes. Work on roof of comfort eating and what is positive thst she can focus on. Dieting at this age can literally destroy your life.

Why are some posters so outraged by OP mentioning that her daughter‘s always been a comfort eater and put on weight easily? What exactly is the problem with either of those statements?
I see it with my own kids - one of them has always been rather slim despite great appetite, the other one has almost always carried a bit of puppy weight, even when doing additional sports clubs after school several times a week and eating the same as their sibling.
As for comfort eating - do some people think it doesn’t exist?
I went through a phase of comfort eating in my early teens, gained weight, put myself on a strict diet, lost loads of weight, but developed an eating disorder that later led to binge eating.
I‘ve been at a normal weight for years now, but it took me a long time to get the balance right.
I agree with the posters suggesting to focus more on well-being and healthy habits rather then looks and size.

As a teen comfort eater I ate anything. Bowls and bowls of cereal. A loaf of bread. Beans straight from the tin.

This!

I agree with this. My mother did this to my siblings and I. All of us have very dysfunctional relationships with food now. Avoid the policing approach if you can.

I haven't read all the posts - apologies short on time so this may have been mentioned already.

I would personally focus very much on the mental well-being side of exercise and what we fuel our bodies with. I would discuss how feeling good comes from within and if we are exercising regularly and getting those endorphins flowing, and eating the kind of stuff that our bodies need to function at their best then we are going to feel great. How we look as a result of that is just going to be what our bodies are meant to look like - be that larger, small, big bum, weight carried on tummy - whatever. We are always going to have things we don't like about ourselves but our bodies are so much more than how they look in clothes and if we are feeling great inside then we are best placed to deal with those kind of negative thoughts. I think that's a good thing to focus on.

I agree with this. My DD has a friend who goes to a different secondary school and she is obsessed with the weight of others , the look of others and referencing her teeny tiny self on comparison,.for example, she told DD whe always asked for piggy backs from this girl and pointed out she could never provide one on return as the girl is very big. DD told her that seemed a bit harsh. My DD is skinny but she will remark on how much she eats every time she eats now. Her mum is the same and will make shocked faces and comments when DD seemingly has in her view, 'massive portions, are you very hungry?' It is so ridiculous that it has got to the point that my DD does not want to really hang out with her.

My DD is very thin but she doesn't do much exercise other than walking to and from school. She does however have hobbies of painting, playing the piano, she eats until she is full and I have never seen her overeat except one time where she had too much spray cream, felt sick and never did it again!

Hi OP. I’m sorry that your daughter is being bullied at school. I imagine she’d feel quite embarrassed about the comments and sad. My sister was shamed by my parents at around that age about her weight as she was bigger too. She never felt the same about them after that. In contrast, my cousin was overweight at that age too. Her mum never said anything about her weight or appearance, but made an effort to have healthier food available in the house. They have a very healthy relationship. It sounds like you’re totally aware of this and how a negatively-framed conversation could affect her. I think you could approach a conversation with her and talk more generally about her health, her food choices and habits, and about how the food you eat and how active you are affect your physical and mental health. How foods affect your mood, your digestion, your immune system etc. I think you need to get her Dad on board with the healthy eating and to avoid buying processed junk foods that are in the house all the time.

She’s lucky to have a mum who models a healthy lifestyle. It sounds like you’re approaching this very sensitively and kindly. ☺️