To think it’s utter hell working with extroverted people when you’re introverted?

[beeonmybonnett]

I work in an office and I really am the most introverted person there. I always have been quiet and shy. Don’t get me wrong, I am pleasant and will always try to make conversation with others, even if they aren’t talking to me.

There is one person in particular who I would say is very extroverted. She’s always chatting away to everyone and never shuts up, she’s always laughing and giggling and making jokes with everyone. She’s the type of person who everybody knows because she’s very much “out there” and is very popular.

I know that second paragraph makes me sound very jealous of her, but honestly I’m not. Despite how I’ve described her, we do get on very well and have never had any conflict but she is a bit full of her own self importance at times, it’s so cringey when she’s sitting making jokes and thinks she’s a comedian.

I just find it so uncomfortable. I’m just a quiet person, I always have been, that’s just me and that’s how I am which I’m not ashamed of. It’s not that I’m rude and never speak to anyone, because I do. I just find it more difficult to come out of my shell.

I always seek to contribute to group conversations, I don’t want to be some kind of oddball who just sits there and doesn’t contribute to any conversations, but she’s constantly talking and it’s actually very difficult to get a word in edgeways sometimes.

I don’t begrudge her for being extroverted, that’s fine, that’s just the way she is, just like I’m introverted and that’s also fine but I just find it so uncomfortable because I never have much to talk about and I look incredibly boring and they’re probably thinking I don’t have much of a life outside of work!

Can anyone relate to me and agree that this feels like hell at times? If you have any tips, please do share!

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. I completely understand what you're trying to say whether you have used the labels of 'introvert' and 'extrovert' correctly or not... Your colleague, by the sounds of it, is taking up all the 'space' and not leaving any for others who, like you, who might be quieter and more reflective. Good team members aren't just those who do all the talking; they're the ones who are mindful of the strengths and needs of others.

When I'm all peopled out, I shut off or go home. I am most definitely an introvert, but you'd never see that part as I'd have left to recharge elsewhere

Yep, you can't tell if someone is an introvert or extrovert based on how they act around you. I honestly don't think it matters anyway, as how you recharge is a personal thing. I get fed up with the posts on MN misunderstanding it all TBH... and sometimes the posts pitting them against eachother.

I think you are getting a hard time too, OP. I know exactly how you feel! I'm introverted. I think I'm interesting and funny when you get to know me but I'm not the sort of person who goes on and on about their kids, how much money their husband makes or some crap that was on TV last night. I used to work with people like this. I tried to comment to join in but they always talked over me. It got really boring! I felt people liked her but it was only because she didn't shut up 😆 she was actually a friend to me, and a nice woman but I felt more relaxed at work after she had left.

I'm starting a new job soon and wary of meeting new people as I don't want this kind of situation to happen again!
Sorry this isn't helpful advice, but solidarity. Don't let it worry you. You don't have to be loud or chatty to be liked and valued. Be yourself. People who are worth knowing will get to know you for you away from this annoying chatter.
For what it's worth, I gravitate towards the quiet people and would prefer someone like you as a friend rather than the non stop chatting woman. I'm sure other people in your office feel the same way too.

· I never have much to talk about and I look incredibly boring
· she’s so loud and outgoing whereas I’m more quiet natured and more subdued
· I feel like I’ll be judged if I don’t respond to her jokes
· I just want to get up and run away.
· I’m very shy so yes I do worry about what people think of me!
· I probably do need some counselling to overcome my confidence issues and my social anxiety
· I just feel like people find me boring
· I find it uncomfortable because I struggle in social situations whereas she clearly thrives on them.

OP - These are some phrases you've used in your posts.

This is about you, not her - you're projecting your insecurities onto her (that's not a judgement - it's really common and understandable - but that's what is happening).

You do need to work on your social anxiety and confidence issues. You say it's 'unfair' that she doesn't let you get a word in - but it's not this colleague's fault that she is outgoing and talks a lot - some people are just like that.

You will need to learn some coping mechanisms for that if you want to get on in your life because people like this are everywhere. The best way to do this is to look inside and recognise your own issues that are holding you back, and talk to a counsellor.

People are focusing on you not getting the meaning of introvert and extrovert, but it seems you’re also misusing the words like and dislike pretty heavily. Would you say all the things you’ve said about her here to her face? If you did, do you think she’d come away from the conversation concluding that you liked her? No. You don’t like her and you’re pretty unpleasant about her. That’s fine, most of us have annoying colleagues, but she’s not responsible for your character defects or how other people respond or don’t respond to you.

I have no idea about the introvert/extrovert thing but it just sounds like you find her annoying.

Is she always engaging you or is.it simply that she is there with all these character traits that you don't like?

Perhaps she's nervous OP

I would loathe your colleague and probably really like you

My workplace has an energy vampire who sounds like this. Big high pitched loud voice. Doesn't shut up, ever. Constant attention seeking behaviour and manufacturing of drama. Dressed like a luminous Christmas tree. Bouncing in her seat and whooping. The noise pollution is exhausting. On days she's not there, there is pleasant chat between everyone else. On the days she's in we all go into ourselves and just put up with the noise. I wear ear plugs to take the edge off. I'm quite introverted myself but this person is also an insensitive, rude, crude moron and I wouldn't be in the room with her if we weren't forced, introvert or not.

What’s it like in the office on the days she’s on annual leave? How do you find interacting with your other colleagues on those days?

You actually sound like you are jealous of her that ‘everyone likes her’ and she is popular.
You are annoyed that you can’t get a word in edgeways; surely an introvert would be glad to have the pressure to perform taken off them?

I like extroverts. They help me take my mind off things by chatting about different topics which makes me relax.

I also think you're projecting your insecurities. She may well be annoying but you have no evidence she's an extrovert.

I suspect you attribute being quiet, shy and socially anxious with being an introvert (given how many times you've repeatedly said that the opposite of that is an extrovert). And that actually you would rather be louder (not loud/rude), confident and socially adept (wouldn't we all!).

Your colleague does sound like they might be annoying, and if that is the case then get some noise cancelling ear phones and crack on.

But I suspect she'll still take up headspace... Because there are qualities about her that you wish you had even if maybe she over does it a bit. I think if you follow up on counselling or even coaching you might find a huge benefit to yourself.

And just to reiterate again what others have said. You're using introvert and extrovert wrong. I'm an introvert, hate socialising and talking to people. Would actively avoid them and am drained at the end of a day around people. But a big part of my job is networking and maintaining relationships, so at work I talk (and listen) a lot. Doesn't make me an extrovert, cause I go home exhausted by it all in a way that I never am when I've worked alone all day. But outwardly you would see a fun, sociable, confident person at work.

Some posts in this thread make me wonder whether the words introvert and extrovert are starting to be used in the way that so many other words are these days - to forge an identity on which to hang a whole load of feelings about not being properly valued or 'seen' and/or to forge a way of pigeon-holing other people in order to make them at fault in relation to the negative effects they have on you. In other words: to insist on respect for oneself while simultaneously disrespecting other people.

They are pretty insubstantial words in reality. They weren't coined to capture the whole of a person but just to get clear about how people vary along a single dimension, deliberately isolated from many other features of personality for the sake of the conceptual clarity needed in research.
It sounds like the annoying person spoken of in the OP probably is extroverted. But that wouldn't remotely be enough to explain her behavour. You'd need to bring many other personality concepts into play as well.

Your colleague sounds rude, unfunny and annoying if she’s not giving others a chance to contribute. There will be many extroverts who are polite and let others speak.

On balance I am probably slightly extroverted in that I enjoy speaking to people (although I also like hiding away and having quiet time by myself) but I would like to think I am polite and let others talk too.

As plenty of PPs have said this is nothing to do with the tired old stereotypes about introverts and extroverts (which are mainly used incorrectly) and everything to do with you finding this woman annoying. Can’t you own that rather than cooking up some cod psychology to explain it? She does sound annoying and there’s no need for the pseudoscience.

As a related point is anyone else getting tired of inaccurate but slightly unpleasant stereotypes about extroverts being used to basically beat up on confident people?

Theres a strain of militant introvert (who usually isn’t actually an introvert at all but someone with social anxiety who identifies as an introvert and resents anyone who doesn’t have social anxiety) who comes onto MN and bashes confident people.

It’s always passed off as “I’m an introvert and quite special” but quite a lot of the time it’s people just being nasty to people who are a bit loud or demanding.

This is combined with a growing neurosis about people being required to have any social interaction at work. People getting really upset about being required to socialise occasionally with their colleagues.

We get it, work has definitely favoured the confident over the quiet. It’s not fair and it’s time to recognise that the workplace has some biases which make life harder for you. We hear you etc.

But some of this has started to tip over into being self pitying, self defeating and a bit nasty. Extroverts and confident people have issues and insecurities too. Having social anxiety is tough but it’s not a protected characteristic and it doesn’t mean that it should be constant open season who don’t feel like this.

Headphones are a lifesaver (if allowed to use them)

Completely agree. It’s so tedious.

Her issue is not that she's an extrovert (although she probably is). It's that she's gobby and rude and a show off. Honestly, you won't be the only one that finds her exhausting. Maybe you could avoid sharing your breaks with her, or go for a walk (you need fresh air..), or just ignore some of the conversations while you're working. If you join in at least some of the conversations then I don't think people will judge you for that.

Plus, is she actually doing any work?!

I am an introvert, in that I need time alone and away from everything to recharge my energy, but otherwise I am very like your colleague - I enjoy talking to everyone at work, I make and keep up relationships there, am generally chatty and positive. This is all useful networking, because besides being genuinely interested in people, it means that people think of me when they want a question answered, or a project taken on, or someone to get involved in a thing which needs good people skills. I have had lots of opportunities because people know me, they respect my professional knowledge, and know that I am a safe pair of hands and can be relied on to do the people side of things well. So while it exhausts me, I can enjoy the confidence and opportunities it brings.

Being introverted or extroverted isn’t a substitute for a personality. Nor is any other label.

Yes, I get you, OP.

I'm a shy introvert but no-one would guess that because (when I was young!) it wasn't really allowed and I just had to cultivate a confident persona, but it's not really me.

I'm sociable in small groups but easily become overwhelmed by big, loud groups and loud people.

The colleague you describe would annoy the hell out of me, too. I don't know what the answer is, but I'd say stay pleasant but be yourself and don't feel (as I did) that you have to change to be like her.

I'm afraid the word 'bubbly' comes to mind. I always shudder when I hear that someone is/was 'bubbly'. To me, it summons up an image of a giggly, loud, insensitive nuisance with a head full of fluff and pink candy floss. But people like this are certainly popular!

@GoodOldEmmaNess

Some posts in this thread make me wonder whether the words introvert and extrovert are starting to be used in the way that so many other words are these days - to forge an identity on which to hang a whole load of feelings about not being properly valued or 'seen' and/or to forge a way of pigeon-holing other people in order to make them at fault in relation to the negative effects they have on you. In other words: to insist on respect for oneself while simultaneously disrespecting other people.

This is totally true. "Introvert" has become an (inaccurate) badge of honour for a certain type of person who is quietly stewing at resentment of other people who seem to be able to handle social stuff better than they can. And "othering" those people and putting them down.

I've seen "extroverts" (not really extroverts but people who can handle themselves and don't need to retreat to their home for weeks on end after every social interaction) routinely described on here as show-offs/social climbers/empty vessels/narcissists etc. It's all quite ugly and disproportionate to the very minor crime of being able to hold your own in public.

I do have sympathy with the people who have felt invisible and marginalised in the world of work because they are bad at selling themselves. It's unfair. But it's not a reason to pigeonhole the socially confident as psychopathic self-promoters, which is the way it often seems to go on these threads. It's "revenge of the nerds" but with a nasty, bitchy undercurrent to it. If you feel that these people are genuinely disadvantaging you in the workplace, take it up with management or HR properly. If (as I suspect) its mainly jealousy, deal with it.

This is about you, not her - you're projecting your insecurities onto her (that's not a judgement - it's really common and understandable - but that's what is happening).

Totally agree with Hylin. This is to do with you wishing you had some of her social ease and networking ability.

For someone who claims to like her and get on with her, you’re being very bitchy about her.

She’s friendly, confident, popular and knows pretty much everyone from your description.

You’re blaming your lack of social ease on her taking up social bandwidth. This is a You problem.

Eat lunch with someone you actually like rather than a woman you are happy to rip to shreds online.