To think it’s utter hell working with extroverted people when you’re introverted?

[beeonmybonnett]

I work in an office and I really am the most introverted person there. I always have been quiet and shy. Don’t get me wrong, I am pleasant and will always try to make conversation with others, even if they aren’t talking to me.

There is one person in particular who I would say is very extroverted. She’s always chatting away to everyone and never shuts up, she’s always laughing and giggling and making jokes with everyone. She’s the type of person who everybody knows because she’s very much “out there” and is very popular.

I know that second paragraph makes me sound very jealous of her, but honestly I’m not. Despite how I’ve described her, we do get on very well and have never had any conflict but she is a bit full of her own self importance at times, it’s so cringey when she’s sitting making jokes and thinks she’s a comedian.

I just find it so uncomfortable. I’m just a quiet person, I always have been, that’s just me and that’s how I am which I’m not ashamed of. It’s not that I’m rude and never speak to anyone, because I do. I just find it more difficult to come out of my shell.

I always seek to contribute to group conversations, I don’t want to be some kind of oddball who just sits there and doesn’t contribute to any conversations, but she’s constantly talking and it’s actually very difficult to get a word in edgeways sometimes.

I don’t begrudge her for being extroverted, that’s fine, that’s just the way she is, just like I’m introverted and that’s also fine but I just find it so uncomfortable because I never have much to talk about and I look incredibly boring and they’re probably thinking I don’t have much of a life outside of work!

Can anyone relate to me and agree that this feels like hell at times? If you have any tips, please do share!

It's utter hell working with other people full stop. Most of the environments in which I have not chosen my co-workers have been nightmarish in some ways - now I work alone and spend my free time with the people I choose and everything's way better.

I never said I was unhappy because she’s happy and confident?

Yes, it does annoy me that I can’t get my word in because she’s constantly talking and that nobody is really listening to me because they’re -always listening to her - would you not find it rude?

I’m allowed to feel uncomfortable and slightly irritated about it. It doesn’t make me jealous or in any way mean that I dislike her, like I’ve said, we get on well.

you’re unhappy that you don’t get to have everyone hear your opinion

it’s not always about getting everyone to hear my opinion - I want to contribute to normal, lighthearted conversations like what we had for dinner last night, dogs etc but sometimes I can’t get to say things because I’m quiet whereas she’s loud and constantly talking. When I go to say something, she talks over me and nobody is listening to me because they’re so busy listening to her . Of course that makes me feel isolated and irritated.

I am introverted and not very confident. I’m very shy so yes I do worry about what people think of me!

Have you ever had any counselling OP? It's just that it might be worthwhile to explore your reaction to this colleague because, at the end of the day, you work together in close proximity. Introvert/ extrovert are labels which have varying degrees of helpfulness. Really you just need to find some way to deal with her presence which is obviously rubbing you up the wrong way.

A lot of us work with people that we find irritating or just don't really like being around... most of us can't choose our colleagues unless we're senior managers or have our own businesses. I think there is an element of emotional maturity in being self aware, knowing the kinds of people who you don't gel well with, and what you can do to manage that situation when it comes up.

Talking to a counsellor if you have the time/ money to do so could help you to find some strategies.

I agree with the pps saying that you are misunderstanding the meaning of introvert and extrovert.

I'm 100% an extrovert. When my batteries are low, I seek out the company of others to recharge me. Being on my own drains me: I need time with people to get me through the times that I have to be alone. I'm not chatty, loud, giggly or the life and soul at all and I find people like that a PITA to be honest.

My best friend is a classic introvert. She's not shy or quiet, she's a teacher and frequent public speaker, but she really needs times alone to decompress after being in a social situation. She spends plenty of time on her own to get her through the times that she has to be in company.

Introverted does not mean shy or quiet. I am an introvert, and like others can happily present to large groups, and speak confidently to individuals. I love being with colleagues, friends and family. But I find it mentally draining and need time to decompress afterwards.

I can be on the quiet side when in large groups, but that is not because I am introverted. I am more confident when I am speaking about a well rehearsed topic.

I would say I probably do need some counselling to overcome my confidence issues and my social anxiety, yes.

Its just those wee things about her that annoy me - when someone else has finished saying something, I may want to respond but she’s right on in there and I never get a chance to say a thing! So yes it does isolate me.

Apart from that, she’s a friendly enough person and we have never had any issues or disagreements and we get on well. We even eat lunch together every single day so if I disliked her that much or was jealous of her, I wouldn’t want to eat lunch with her tbh.

I think you'd think I am an extrovert and I'm not. Similarly my husband is a massive extrovert but very "quiet" yet after a day with people I'm a husk of a person and he is buzzing. I tend to be a big facilitator of conversation and am not shy and will talk to anyone. Regardless, she does sound annoying.

With annoying people who are constantly making jokes thinking that they're being hilarious, I just give a kind of delayed smile that doesn't meet my eyes. I can't be arsed with it.

Same here. I am an introvert but very sociable, chatty and confident. But it just means I need a fair amout of time on my own, even from Mr Monkey (I am notorious for just taking myself off for a day on my own - even on holiday abroad)

Mr Monkey is a classic extrovert -he loves people and will always seek out company and conversations. Although together in a social situation he is sometimes quieter and less confident than me.

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I think it's all linked to be honest. Confidence issues/ low self esteem and not being able to cope around people like this. (There are a lot of people like this so it's definitely worth thinking about why you struggle with them!)

Thing is, if she's popular with other people, then obviously other people are not experiencing the same problems/ frustration as you are. Other people must be managing to get a word in or they'd dislike her too - how are they doing it?

It might be worth doing some self reflection - ideally with a counsellor - just being curious about why that is. Why do you struggle with her so much when other people don't - you might end up finding this is as much about you as it is about her.

It's not a criticism by the way, but that's often what happens - people like this can make you feel worse about your own lack of self esteem/ confidence, so that makes it even harder for you. But there are ways you can get past that.

Part of working in a shared environment is tolerating different personalities. If someone is rude/disruptive etc of course that's wrong but if someone is just annoying, maybe consider whether working with others is suitable for you. You might have very annoying quirks or habits you're not aware of. Just because you're quiet doesn't mean you're easy to work with.

I don’t at all mind her being extroverted, yeah she can be a bit cringey at times because it’s like she’s overdoing it, but if she enjoys being around people, I personally don’t care about that. Doesn’t bother me at all.

I just do find it uncomfortable because I’m with her all day and I’m so quiet and I just feel like people find me boring when I’m sat next to someone who is always so chatty and always with people.

The only thing that annoys me really is that I can’t really get to speak much

I'm an introvert and need time by myself to regulate, but I'm very social. I agree with others you misunderstand what they mean, not that it really matters I suppose as its just terminology, but the crux is you're just different personalities and need to find a way to coexist together at work.

Do you ever intiiate conversations? Perhaps she over compensates as she feels a bit awkward or assumes you don't want to join in.

im sure there are things people don’t like about me, I’m not perfect ! But I’m talking about this colleague , not myself! Im allowed to feel irritated about things, that doesn’t mean I need a job where I don’t work with others.

I would feel isolated if I didn’t have any interaction with others !

I do, yes. Sometimes it’s a struggle, but yes I do always try my best.

@beeonmybonnett

This

"She has to be extroverted, because she’s always with people and talking to people - even when we walk to the canteen, she spends about half an hour talking to people from other departments - people I don’t even know so she obviously does get her energy from being around people whereas I just want to and sit down in a quiet corner by myself!"

Is not necessarily true at all, as the PP was trying to explain.

Introverted is not synonymous with quiet and shy and extrovert it not synonymous with loud and confident.

She doesn't have to be an exteovert at all.

I'm Introverted, I recharge away from people, but, I'm loud, confident, assertive and popular at work and love being around other people.

You sound like you just dont like this woman and are blaming it on your being shy and quiet.

id find her annoying to be around, OP. If she’s a nice person people will like her for that, but I’d find it exhausting to be around her

Right, sounds like you’ve already decided for me that I don’t like her.

I do like her, there are some things about her that annoy me, which I’ve already stated and explained.

Im introverted, she’s extroverted. Fine. Yes, we don’t have the same personalities and I find it uncomfortable because I struggle in social situations whereas she clearly thrives on them.

I never said I don’t love being around others, I do like interacting with others but it depends on the situation tbh. I’m more comfortable with some people than others tbh. That’s just me.

But it’s not fair that I can’t get to speak a lot of the time

That’s it. It’s just an anxiety thing. It’s because she’s so loud and outgoing and I’m not that everyone just thinks I’m an oddball. I’m a very nice and approachable person, I’m just not confident or loud!

I'm an extrovert in the sense that I gain energy from being around other people, and I am quite outgoing. However, your colleague sounds like a raging pain in the arse, and I would be very surprised if your other colleagues didn't think so too! They're smiling and nodding for the same reason you are - noone wants to be the office misery and tell her to shut up, and nobody realises that actually everyone else feels the same!

I have no idea what I am...

Introvert here. I've just learned to own my introvertism. I work with people from differnet cultures some of whom are very 'loud'. My specialism is knowing quite niche topics 😂 in depth.

I find people who talk in monologues very draining. As introverts we tend to attract them as we appear to be a listening ear.

You seem far too focused on attributing your colleagues annoying traits to the fact that she is an extrovert, and you not liking them based on yourself being an introvert.

I can be the life and soul of a gathering... I can yammer on, and I tell bad jokes. I am also an introvert. I need time to recharge after I see people. Other introverts drain me too. I know extroverts who don't speak a peep, but they feel recharged after spending time with people.

Let go of the whole introvert/extrovert thing, as you don't seem to have a grasp on what it actually means anyway. It seems you like some quiet, and your colleague is just a chatterbox.

This describes me at work. Most of my colleagues can't understand how I know so many people across the organisation and seemingly everyone wants to say hello or chat. I have been described as giving energy to a room and being good at lifting others up.

I often find quiet and shy people draining and hard work, but make great effort to hide these feelings. Although it's not unusual to find some of these people aren't shy at all. They just can't be bothered interacting with the particular people around them.

When I'm all peopled out, I shut off or go home. I am most definitely an introvert, but you'd never see that part as I'd have left to recharge elsewhere.