Only permitted to spend 6/24hrs/day with my newborn

[Calmondeck]

Newborn turns 1 month old today. 3 days before he was born, I was diagnosed with a serious medical issue. I have had major surgery, requiring a week in ICU and am at the beginning of months of rehabilitation. I am allowed to spend 6 hours a day with my newborn, which is breaking my heart. AIBU to pretend I am better than I am so I can convinced doctors and DH to let me have more time with him? I’m worried that I’ll forever lose the chance to form an attachment

I so feel for you lovely my little man was in NICU for 3 months and I couldn't see him for more than an hour a day due to the distance ... it's heartbreaking and one of my biggest fears was the bond. Just remember that this is a teeny tiny window of the rest of your time together and a completely healthy Mumma is the best thing for him. It is completely crap hormones are all over the place and let's be honest you feel crap after giving birth alone let alone everything else.

When we were in NICU we were giving snuggles... they were basically Muslims with a little knot we popped one in with baby man for a bit and I had one on me... I swapped them at each visit so we each had each others smell. It was a real comfort so maybe an idea xx

Hospitals are supposed to make provisions for post-natal women admitted to hospital where the baby is allowed to stay with her in her room/bedside. It can't happen in every case, but if you're able to hold and breastfeed your baby, there doesn't sound as if there is a reason as to why they have not arranged this for you. You can request to speak with the breastfeeding coordinators and make some firm instructions for this to be implemented with a matter of urgency.

This is absolutely unacceptable. I wish you a swift recovery.

OP I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but you have two children who need you to be as healthy as possible and that won't happen if you are unable to look after yourself first and foremost right now. It sounds like you've had a horrifically traumatic time and are extremely unwell right now. From what you've described you wouldn't be able to care for your newborn independently and that is why they can't stay with you, sadly the maternity wards won't have the level of care your getting in ICU and the ICU won't have the staff to care for the baby as well as you, the best way to get through this as quickly as possible is to follow the doctors orders. Keep strong, you will bond with your baby.

You don't sound over the top at all OP. I'd be devastated. Are the midwives/heqlth visitors seeing you at all? If so maybe see if you can get them to speak to your medical team to come to a view on what's the best balance for your health and your baby's. If you're feeling devastated by it all that in itself could slow down your recovery, you have to be in the right frame of mind. For example baby being able to visit in more slots for a shorter time to give you rest time in between, or whatever you/healthcare professionals agree is best. Good luck - I hope your recovery goes well and you can have your lovely kids back with you ASAP.

Your child is going to need you for a long time. Take care of yourself; it must be hard though but looking after him/her will be harder if you are not recovered

Well, doctors can recommend, but they can't allow or disallow anything unless you are detained under the mental health act or infectious diseases act. You are free to ignore medical advice.

I think that would be a bad decision, though. You need to compare the next four weeks to the entire rest of your dc's lives. You need to recover.

Many dad's spend less than 6 hours a day with their babies and form strong attachments. I don't think you need to worry about that.

Babies need consistent loving care in early months but not only from mum, and I'm sure your DH will be stepping up as dad in this. They see you for a good part of every day and which is plenty to stay familiar with you too. Hope you make a good recovery and don't rush it.

Yeah, probably. Pity she didn't take the time to actually read the OP properly before spouting shite.

Shame on the posters jumping straight to the situation that OP is somehow at fault or a danger to her baby.

OP this is awful, you poor thing. However, you absolutely will bond with your baby and your baby with you.

The absolute most important thing is that you focus on your recovery.

Ah.
I'm so sorry that this is your situation.
Probably best to accept it for now , hard though it is.
You need much rest in order to heal so that you have strength going forward.

I would ask that maybe you could build up more time with your baby, say 2x4 hours maybe.

All good wishes to you.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. But do try not to worry. I really do think this 'attachment' stuff puts too much pressure on mothers. Your child won't miss those extra hours in the years to come, nor will it affect your long term relationship with him, unless you beat yourself up with it and make it an issue, or let it harm your recovery. Bonding is formed over many years, with love, understanding and trust building over all that time- it's a long term thing. Some of advice to mothers about bonding really annoys me - like the mafia re breast feeding- I know nobody with a closer relationship than my 90-yr old mother and me, but she couldn't breast feed (and was made to feel guilty and inadequate at the time- I'd love to have a few words with those nurses and midwives- several words, in fact, none of them pleasant) . Plenty of breast fed kids have lousy relationships with their parents.

The best thing you can do for your child right now is do your best to get well, and if that means you see the child for a few hours less than you'd like so you can rest, of course that's sad, but try to savour and enjoy the hours you can be with him, and really do your best to rest and relax the rest of the time, and take all the time your doctors think you need in hospital. You'll get better faster if you do than if you fret, however understandable it is that you feel as you do. Give any guilt its marching orders, it's unjustified, and is only getting in the way of you being happy with your son. Your 'job' right now is to rest and to try to be as happy and relaxed as you can. And never, ever, pretend to doctors or nurses to be feeling better than you are.

I'm so sorry you are so poorly. I've been there with a newborn in nicu and 3 under 7's at home needing me too so I couldn't spend more than about 4 hours a day in the week with him and less at weekends.

I remember that feeling. I became suddenly and seriously unwell when DC1 was 4 months.

rushed to A&E and admitted for emergency surgery asap. A&E promised me I could bring my exclusively breastfed baby.

once I was on the ward they laughed and said ‘no way’.

i was only in for a week but it was awful. I couldn’t sleep my primal brain just screamed ‘where’s my baby?’ Every minute we weren’t together.

i think you would be unreasonable to pretend you’re better than you are.

but you wouldn’t to ask if they can. Make arrangements for your baby to stay with you or for you to be supported to see them more.

it will soothe you and feeling calmer you’ll recover better.

ask - they might be able to work it out for you

Follow your instincts! Your doctors may not be right! Seek second opinions, and don’t let anyone tell you what to do. This is your body, your life, and your child.

@Cloudburstings I would be tempted to file a complaint if 1) doctors promised you something they didn’t follow through on, and subsequently 2) anyone on the team laughed at you

For almost 6 weeks, we could only hold baby two hours a day, as they struggled with temperature issue maintenance and were quite fragile and tube fed at the time (NICU). Baby is perfectly bonded now, as we really invested in being there for them once we finally took them home. Your situation is not ideal for bonding, but it doesn't have to have long-term consequences. Attachment is a marathon, not a sprint.

I am really sorry you are going through this. But please don't let this worry you in a time where you need to de-stress and focus on your recovery.

My baby was in NICU for four days with a tube up her nose to feed her. When she came out I was still able to breastfeed and bonded fine.
Faking it is not going to help at all. You will bond.

It's awful, but long term it doesn't often harm your bond because you want it to happen. Both of mine were in NICU 4+ months, I didn't get to touch my eldest until she was 3 weeks old, and over a month for first cuddle. We've been really close all through her childhood and going into her teens, same with my second who had a slightly easier time of it but still in hospital a very long time. One thing we were recommended was to have two pieces of cloth, like a piece of towel or similar. Put one next to your skin (I was advised in my bra as would also give milk smell to encourage them to learn to feed) and the other with your baby as much as possible but definately when having milk or at sleeptime, then every 24 hours swap them over. For baby it also works just for you to use their vest or babygrow but it's bulky. Your baby learns your smell and associates it with comfort, same for you but it does also help milk production if you're able to or trying to express with your medication (I had to stop expressing at 8 weeks due to meds, and that was one of the hardest bits for me personally)

@Calmondeck think about the long term, prioritise your own health, so that you be there for your child and your toddler as they grow older.

You will not miss your chance to bond. I only really got to spend regular time with my kids after they turned 7 and 10, due to excessive work hours before then, and yet I have a really good relationship with each of them (now 19 and 16).

If you take care of yourself, then you are taking care of your children.

Oh how hard for you 💔 - but you must look after yourself as your baby needs you to be well - sending much love to you all xxx

I agree with this really. I'm so sorry things are tough for you.

Mate, my heart hurts for you.
I can imagine the turmoil you are feeling and it’s awful. I really do feel you; you cannot make out you’re better than you are. You will hinder your recovery darling and may be out of action for longer.
When you do get those glorious 6 hours, and if it’s possible, do skin to skin time.
That feeling of your baby’s skin on yours will make you feel so good.
I’m so sorry for your situation and I hope your heal fully and well x

It must be so difficult for you, I'm sorry to hear that you're obviously struggling with the time limit set but remember your children need a well mummy for the rest of their lives and although each day without them must feel like a lifetime atm, you need to recover and concentrate on that
Which is easier said than done.
You write that you're relearning to speak so you can't record yourself but do you have old voice recordings of yourself, or videos of you before the baby was born. Even just hearing your voice in your absence will reassure your baby and maybe help your toddler realise that mummy is still mummy iyswim.

You will still have that bond and attachment to your baby, even without spending all your time together - please don't try and fake your recovery to spend more time together, because it will hinder your recovery and result in more time apart

Ideas that may help (please discuss with your medical team and partner as to if any of these would work / help / hinder)

• Rather than 6 hours together (if that is what you are currently doing could you have two seperate periods together of less time but add up to more time - so if the baby is currently with you from 9am till 3pm, could this be switched to 8am - midday then your partner take the baby home while you rest / have physio then bring the baby back 4pm - 8pm - allows you to have more time together and feels like the majority of the day - even though you have that gap in the middle of the day (which ideally would coincide with a nap for the baby)
• Record you reading the baby and toddler a bedtime story - and your partner to encorporate playing that to them at bedtime, so you are still part of it (or a video of you blowing them a kiss goodnight - warn Daddy to get them to blow one back and you 'catch' the kiss and put it under your pillow)
• A 'nanny cam' in the bedroom overnight connected to your phone so if you wake you can check in on your baby at any point (I know a few mums who when returning from mat leave to night shifts did this - not because they didn't trust their partner but for their own peace of mind - and one who did it for their puppy)
• Have matching teddies one of each of you and swap it daily so the smell of each other is there

I work on a rehab ward which sounds like it may be a very similar place to where you are. If people think you need inpatient rehab they obviously think you have good potential for recovery and that you are not safe to go home currently if we can get people home we do. It must be really hard - I’ve worked with people on similar positions.

The fact people are suggesting you have a set time with your baby is so you don’t get too fatigued. Fatigue can be a huge issue after a stroke or a brain injury (which I’m guessing you have) and can slow recovery. For the sake of your little ones it’s important you get better. Your baby will still know and bond with you. Think of it as a short time in their lives which will then allow you to do the most you can with them when you get home.

Could you decorate your room with pictures of them? FaceTime with your partner and baby? Have 2 muslins you sleep with one next to you and the baby have one and then you swap each day?