Only permitted to spend 6/24hrs/day with my newborn

[Calmondeck]

Newborn turns 1 month old today. 3 days before he was born, I was diagnosed with a serious medical issue. I have had major surgery, requiring a week in ICU and am at the beginning of months of rehabilitation. I am allowed to spend 6 hours a day with my newborn, which is breaking my heart. AIBU to pretend I am better than I am so I can convinced doctors and DH to let me have more time with him? I’m worried that I’ll forever lose the chance to form an attachment

In the long run, it's better for you to get well soon then you'll have energy to look after your baby and play with your loved one.

You have plenty of time to develop attachment.

If you have been so poorly that you required ICU and a lengthy rehab then no you should not go against Doctor’s advice.

This could result with further complications and even more time away from your child. The best thing you can do for him is to get well properly.

Nothing very much happens in the newborn period, you need your strength for later on and I wouldn’t compromise that.

Dads out working full time might have much less than 6hrs awake time with their babies daily but this doesn’t compromise their ability to bond.

I know it’s rubbish and not what you had planned, but try to focus on getting strong and healthy so you can engage fully in the months ahead.

Take care and get well soon 💐

Impossible to offer a reasoned response with so little information, OP. This sounds like a major operation and I don't imagine the medics would be doing it now if it wasn't required.

If delaying or refusing treatment will mean that you are likely to die or become permanently disabled or a danger to yourself or your baby then it would be VU not to have it.

That's awful?!
You are the mum and the authority, decline their offer of 6 hours.
Tell them no and ask them what other suggestions they have and don't leave your baby until you feel ready.

That sounds very upsetting OP. I agree with others though that it's a bit too vague to really say. eg, is it 6 hours because that's the only time that your DH is allowed to be in the hospital with you and the rest of the time he and the baby have to be elsewhere? On that basis, I would expect some accommodation for a new mother in terms of flexibility on visiting hours etc.

Or if it's more because you can't cope with more physically - need to rest/not move/not lift anything - then it might be that sadly you do have to suck it up and work really hard on your recovery in order to be physically more capable as quick as possible.

Not enough info to advise.

I nearly died. Ended up in ICU for 4 months and spent the next 8 recovering. Meaning I didn’t really spend time with my child till they were 1!!!

I feel you but surely you want to be alive for your baby? !?!?

I didn’t mean that to sound so chilling. I meant the drs don’t normally go like they have done and usually it’s a sign of something being wrong

i had them bring me my child for a few hours. Though I don’t even remember it I was so so so sick. I wasn’t even conscious for lots of it.

I formed an attachment and trust me 11 years later she doesn’t leave my side!

I know it's hard but you really do need to rest. The sooner you are better, the sooner you can be with your baby. Imagine if you pretended you were much better than you were then did yourself a mischief? You'd end up spending even less time with him in the long run.

You could try to get an infant feeding coordinator on board. It can be a bit of a fight to get one but they are amazing at advocating for mothers in situations such as these. Doctors view you as a patient, not a mother.

The time limit is due to needing to rest, learn to speak/write again. My skull is broken so I can’t lift my toddler, can hold my baby though.

I am very sorry to hear what you went through @Lorieandrews. I hear you. How did you handle it?

Thank you for thinking of my toddler @Mademethink. He is very scared by me being in hospital (due to his own experiences I imagine) and doesn’t want to leave his dad’s arms. Which adds it’s own emotionally challenges as we were so close only a few weeks ago.

I think @Bamboozle you’re right in saying they view me as a patient not a mother. I have come off adverse medication so can breastfeed again, but he’s not sleeping well enough stretches for them to permit me to sleep with him at night. I need to convince this little guy to sleep.

I’m so sorry. I feel for you so much. I nearly died and was in hospital for two weeks when DD was 12 months (so a bit older) and I was petrified I’d lose the bond, so I can only imagine how you must feel. Nothing is more important than being well and here for your baby. I can imagine it feels like being torn away from a part of yourself - my arms ached for DD. Don’t pretend you’re well if it risks you not being here for the long term. As other PPs have said, you can still form a bond. If you are in hospital still, ask to talk to one of the maternity nurses/midwives. For the record, although DD is older, it took a while to reconnect with her when I got home, largely because I was too ill to hold her/cuddle her, but in the long term it doesn’t seem to have affected our bond at all. Huge hugs and 💐 don’t despair. I was still very weak when I got home and it took a long time to regain my strength but it will come. Also consider asking for counselling/mental health support - my GP was wonderful in acknowledging the impact of being separated for such a long time, plus the PTSD of such serious illness and lengthy hospitalisation. Solidarity and strength to you xxx

Just sending you hugs, op, what an,awful time for you. I know its unbelievably hard being away so much from your baby but it sounds like you've had brain surgery - that really isn't a recovery you want to rush!

Recover properly now and you will be able to be there for your children more once you're home, rush it and you could end up with permanent problems that inhibit your ability to be an active mum.

Follow doctors orders and keep strong x

How about you speak for yourself and not presume we agree with your vague hints of superior knowledge?

This - it’s better the time is restricted now than be dead because you pretended to be better than you are.

Let the doctors know how you feel, and hopefully soon you’ll be able to spend more time with them.

ThNk you for sharing your stories. Sorry for everyone who has else dealt with a lot too, it’s very reassuring reading your experiences. Yes, it probably sounds totally over the top but I feel like there is a little piece of me missing - not helped by still bleeding from the birth and leaking milk like a sprinkler

I had 2 children in NICU and I was in a bad way and I did this. I ended up very poorly and it took me longer to recover than it should have, I wouldn't advise it hon. 6 hours a day sounds awful but honestly at this age they sleep loads, it'll be fine and you don't need to worry about bonding 💐

Really feel for you Calmondeck, my only advise is take it slowly day by day and build up to more time. Hope you get much stronger soon and your baby and toddler get used to the situation. As someone with teenagers I can reassure you that children are very resilient and even what seems untra strange now will soon be 'the new normal' for your toddler, and baby knows nothing else so please don't worry about not spending enough time with him. Get better soon!

Did you read a different OP from everyone else?
What are you on about, risk to the baby?
It us quite obvious from the OP that the risk is to the OPs recovery not the baby.

This.

God love you and your husband, what a tough time you are having.

You sound like a wonderful mum and I am sure your bond will be just fine.

Please be very kind to yourself and try not to stress.

Nothing is more important than you making a great recovery.

Wishing you well.

Babies start to form bonds at around twelve weeks. Six hours a day is well enough for that, so don't lose heart. I can't imagine the pain you are going through, in all ways.

I think she's potentially made the (massive) assumption that OP was in psychiatric hospital rather than general hospital and trotted out tired out stereotypes about the mentally ill, accordingly.

OP when I gave birth to DD2 in Ireland during 2021 Covid restrictions, they were only letting women visit the NICU for 30 mins a day (with a load of other exclusions) and the first to arrive had to leave immediately if another family turned up for the same slot. It was brutal and the woman in the bed next to mine was frantic with it. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope you will get a chance to bond with your lovely baby once you feel better again.

When I had bonding issues with DC1 in NI, I was referred to a charity called ABC PIP for bonding support; if you're in NI ask your HV about it. I'd like to think there'll be similar things elsewhere in the UK. I'm inseparable from DC1 now he's a preschooler/school starter.

You couldn't think of a single reason? So mothers aren't also human beings who become severely unwell? Because I missed that memo. Or are they just supposed to haul themselves up out of ICU because they have duties? ICU doesn't have nannies on the ward to care for the babies, OP is their patient not her baby - her baby doesn't need to be in hospital. She does. She is NO risk to that baby, but not resting is a HUGE risk to her.