To be sick of competitive parents

[Discoconut]

I really don't understand the obsession and competitiveness over baby milestones. I am constantly hearing other parents make a huge deal of how soon they can get their babies to achieve milestones, but particularly walking. I hear so many parents boast about the age their child walked - or the age they are determined they will walk by. I attend a group where there's a few parents like this, but also another Mum who's little one has a minor developmental delay and it almost feels as if they are saying things pointedly. I get the feeling sometimes it makes her feel like shit.

I honestly couldn't give a monkeys how old my child is when he takes his first steps, or achieves any other milestones, as long as it's all looking good for him to get there in his own time. It's not like you win some grand fucking prize if your baby walks at 9 months old. I have no idea how old I was when I walked. So far, that hasn't had any impact on my life.

AIBU to think that parents who are obsessed with these things only care so they can brag about it? (excluding situations where there might be other challenges for the babies that might have impacted those milestones)

I think it's because mat leave is so deathly dull it becomes the only thing to talk about.

If you go to a baby group it's normal to discuss your babies (as that's the thing you have in common). So it's normal to ask "is yours crawling yet?" or whatever and doesn't mean the parent is obsessed about it.

That's not to say there aren't some ridiculously competitive parents out there! But I think most are just chatting.

Put your hard hat on, it will only get a hell of a lot worst!

On one side, it's normal to celebrate and feel reassured when a baby reach milestones. It does matter. In a couple of years, no one will even remember how old the baby took his first steps, of if it was feed purees or went through the latest fashion, currently still baby-led-weaning I think.

Wait until you are at the potty training stage, and parents fall over themselves to brag little Timmy is clean at age 18 months (it's always in months for these parents anyway), wilfully ignoring the countless accidents and the nappies at night . 😂
No one in primary school will give a tiny monkey about that either!

I'd cut some slack to the parents, there's so much anxiety and fear, the milestones can help them feel safer.

It gets a bit sad when parents push their kids to behave like much older children or teenagers, and push unsuitable movies, more "adult" parties or activities. Let them be kids, it goes fast enough.

AIBU to think that parents who are obsessed with these things only care so they can brag about it?

YABU

that's a bit too extreme to be realistic

Let me break it to you, it only gets worse as they get older. I see so many parents who are living their lives through their children's successes, be these school grades, actual exam grades, sporting achievements, how popular they are and so on. It's really a shame because the children often suffer! Of course we should be proud of our children, especially if they work hard and/or deal with knocks and challenges, but we mustn't make it our life goal to only focus on that!

My DS2 was the last to walk in our group by a mile and now wins medals in athletics 😂. It’s all a lot of nonsense and no indication of anything.

It doesn't bother me because it does not change what my child can and cannot do, so a child walked sooner? So? Or ate a banana earlier, again and? Or read a book or whatever

There will always be different things happening at different stages why on earth would it matter what people say? You don't have to take it on what they say

Is it competitiveness or just parents chatting to other parents about the one thing they have in common; or just people being impressed by their own kids with no intention of putting anyone else down? I think if you are not a competitive person yourself, or feeling insecure about something, if there is any genuine competitiveness it will just sail over your head!

Talking about baby milestones with other mums doesn’t make you competitive. Of course you’re going to discuss them - why wouldn’t you? Who isn’t proud of their baby?

I have been to lots of playgroups and never noticed this. People to talk about what their babies are doing but it’s never come across boasty. Are you are they’re not just making conversation?

It's an age-old story unfortunately. I used to get it from my ex step mil about dd, who she constantly compared. Her dd was born in the 60s, so I think a lot of it was rose tinted. I used to get:

My dd was potty trained by 1 year old.
My dd walked at 6 months.
My dd was excellent at piano/gymnastics/reading/spinning plates on her head!

Plus according to her young children didn't have tantrums back then! 🤨

It will also be there and the best thing to do is nod, say "oh that's good" and don't get involved in any further competitive nonsense.

DS didn't walk till he was 17 months old... He was definitely quite far behind his peers and I did get fed up with comments about how proud parents were that their DC was walking at 10 months.. the language used suggests that walking earlier some how makes your baby stronger / cleverer than those who walk a lot later. Like my DS just couldn't work out what to do with his legs 😄. But it has no impact at all on physical development, ability or intelligence levels! as they get older.
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Tbh it’s the ones that sleep that I’ve always been jealous of… altho the ones that babies slept through from 4 weeks that attribute it to a solid routine like those of us who have kids who wake just aren’t trying hard enough!

Where is the line between ’bragging‘ as you put it, and sharing factual information? My DS crawled and walked on the earlier end of the scale though no unusually so, and then language wise has been advanced (was hitting the communication milestones for 36 months at 24 months) I don’t brag about this but if someone asks or there’s a conversation with other mums about these things Im not going to lie? It often feels like telling the truth is taking as bragging if your DC is even slightly at the front end of the bell curve for anything

Head tilt and "have you tried sshh pat?"

People like and are excited by what their children do and want to celebrate it.

They don't care what your child is or isn't doing they are just being happy for their own child.

I have always celebrated my friends baby milestones - "yay she rolled amazing" - not a party. Because when you are friends with people you are happy for the things they are happy about.

It isn't a competition.
Next time you come across one of these parents try saying something like "amazing walking at nine months, aren't babies amazing in how quickly they grow" then say something cute or fun your child does.

They aren't bragging, so try being happy for them and with them rather than viewing it in such a negative light.

The competitive aspect really winds me up - some parents honestly judge their own worth by what their child is capable of...however there's a lot of solidarity in those conversations too, especially if you're having them with someone like me who will be completely honest about the triumphs and the frustrations.

Some do it to brag, others just to share a moment of joy because their child is doing a new thing (or sadness because it means they're growing up far too fast and the baby bit is disappearing). Smile and wave at the braggarts but celebrate the joy of the sharers. You can normally get a vibe on who's who.

I had o e who walked, actually ran at 9 months, wouldn't wish that on anyone, their brain is still at 9 months so zero common sense!

I had very late talkers, 2.5 years and 4 years (later one is autistic, but other dd is completely typical, just slow to get going on talking yet talking is part of her job now!)

It's not a race but I suppose it's natural to compare

You think it’s bad now.. wait till they start reception.

Ohhh boy 🙄

Thankfully it wasn’t as competitive with parents of children in my first borns year group, but my second child- wow!
They are the most competitive, entitled, obnoxious and unpleasant bunch of now year four mothers I have ever met. I steer well clear and have done since reception. Awful people.

Brace yourself op. It will get so much worse.

I always enjoyed when someone would say their child walked at X months proudly saying mine was 18 months, but I must admit I didn't massively take it that they were saying theirs was 'good' for walking at that age, just small talk I suppose! They all get there in the end

I just always do the "isn't it fantastic, you must be proud/pleased/relieved"... as a response. It is nice to share, especially the joyful moments.

Sometimes it is nice when people start the sharing/bragging/commiserations cycle as it becomes easier to share a worry or concern that you have and people generally jump back in with "but of course her sister was soooo much older when..."

that!

And the "keep making noise around them, they will sleep better" brigade...

We all know all a non-sleeping baby needs is you going round the house banging on a saucepan with the tv at the loudest , that will sort it out 😂

I honestly don't remember when my 7 year old started walking.

My daughter is nearly 15 she has a LD and autism and was slow developmentally. It was awful listening to other mums boasting while my little one didn't walk until over 2 or talk until 3. Many a tears shed after groups which I went for for her benefit.
With my second child I decided to not do this and I felt liberated