To be sick of competitive parents

[Discoconut]

I really don't understand the obsession and competitiveness over baby milestones. I am constantly hearing other parents make a huge deal of how soon they can get their babies to achieve milestones, but particularly walking. I hear so many parents boast about the age their child walked - or the age they are determined they will walk by. I attend a group where there's a few parents like this, but also another Mum who's little one has a minor developmental delay and it almost feels as if they are saying things pointedly. I get the feeling sometimes it makes her feel like shit.

I honestly couldn't give a monkeys how old my child is when he takes his first steps, or achieves any other milestones, as long as it's all looking good for him to get there in his own time. It's not like you win some grand fucking prize if your baby walks at 9 months old. I have no idea how old I was when I walked. So far, that hasn't had any impact on my life.

AIBU to think that parents who are obsessed with these things only care so they can brag about it? (excluding situations where there might be other challenges for the babies that might have impacted those milestones)

Most parents are genuinely interested in their child's development, and (wrongly) expect others to be the same. I don't think they are all bragging.

My ds was walking at 7 months and climbing the stairs at 11 months but didn't say a single word until 2y3 months. Others are the other way round. I find the variation interesting. I'm not boasting. I'd like to know why. Especially as he turned out more academic than sporty.

Just smile, nod and change the subject if it bothers you.

I think it’s very much dependent on context. I might mention milestones just because it’s interesting to me that kids do things at different points. It’s not a brag. Incidentally my last to walk (nearly 2!!) is by far my most sporty child.

This very much reminds me of another thread on the go at the moment…..

I have never interpreted anyone talking about their babies first steps as being competitive. They usually smile and are happy about it when talking about as it is a milestone and a happy memory.

I find it is usually the ones that don't talk about it are the ones that are competitive and are finding it hard to accept babies do things at their own pace.

I hated this when ds was small, seemed to be negatively was the only acceptable conversation when talking about your baby and even that was competitive!

Thing is though, isn’t every parent secretly ‘competitive’ I mean, of course I want my child to do well, be happy, and generally I am very proud when they do well eg getting a medal in gymnastics, having a great parents evening, being on the top reading band etc. these things make me happy. I think it’s just having the emotional/social intelligence to not be overt about it, and also being secure enough to be genuinely happy for other kids achievements as well. Also knowing when to not push your child too much - ie prioritise their happiness as well. My child is genuinely intelligent and does so well in school, I hide my ‘competitiveness’ by not mentioning it, not posting stuff on Facebook (like school reports - ergh) and falling over myself to be happy for other kids who do well. Even though inside I’m bursting with pride and think my kid is the absolute best 😂(don’t all parents?!) Maybe I’m one of those ‘casual’ people mentioned by a PP who isn’t ‘owning it’ though 😂😂.

Is it competitive or just making polite conversation? I always find it’s an easy way to start a conversation, new mums like to talk about their babies!

My DD did roll, sit up and crawl earlier then other babies at the groups we attended which had been the only ‘positives’ I could talk about, she also cried continuously because of CMPA and never slept, never wanted to be put down. It was easier to discuss the nice things.

Thing is though, isn’t every parent secretly ‘competitive’

I am not sure, it's different to want your child to be saved from physical or learning challenges, it's really not about competition or doing better.

Each child is different, so as soon as you have child number 2, or 3, it wouldn't be terribly healthy to push one against the other anyway.

As long as there's no issue or one is left behind, I honestly don't think Primary school even matters, I am really not bothered about more or less achievements at such an early stage. The day they'll apply to university, no one will even remember if they got a gold star 3 weeks in a row, or the headteacher's award for some long-forgotten piece of writing.

(again, challenges aside, the lack of support and budget is another debate entirely) Let's be honest, ALL the primary school kids get glowing reports, all the kids are intelligent, all the kids get awards in turn, all the kids are reading years ahead their "reading level"... yours and mine are sitting next to another 15 or 20 little people who are just as bright 😂

😂 100% this

You can always tell a parent who genuinely shares milestones or lack thereof because their might be some concern, or they are genuinely overjoyed. Some are just assholes though and Uber competitive. The worst was the babies sleeping obviously my technique wasn't working and have I tried this that and all that fucking bollocks. Mine never slept or napped!!!! I was like the walking dead! I just steer well clear at primary and secondary. The worst was the during COVID and you had to upload the work and the comments underneath. Timmy tom tiny enjoyed it so much we dwelt into ancient history built a pyramid out of cushions and had time to make our own papyrus oh what a joy.... 🧐

I do like the covert messeges about trying to get the info on other kids school reports 😂. I just said least they go their name right this year 😛

My dtds were prem and didn’t sit up until 8 months. I knew they were fine but ended friendships over the competitiveness of others. “Oh are the girls not cruising yet?” Well as they can’t sit up, no they’re not! They walked late and talked late. Now at 12 they don’t shut up and can walk long distances. In fact at 5 they were walking miles round New York.

they also couldn’t read and write until year 1 and were weak until year 4 when it all clicked. Now both in top set English and doing well.

some mums seem to think their advanced babies will clearly be superior in life. Eye roll and move on.

@Toomuvhonot how about “we stuck on horrible histories and now dc1 is pretending to stab dc2 as they reenact a beheading… (or they’re just fighting but I’m on a work call so can’t be sure) 😂

@Toomuvhonot - yes and now I'm stuck doing his homework forever!

I mean the teachers aren't idiots

One parent can be sharing info for something to think to talk about, the other has issues about everything so parent one is considered competitive

I understand what you mean , but I don't think "secretly competitive" explains it because it sort of implies you value the accomplishment relative to others' achievements, rather than in itself .

I 'm Secretly proud of academic and creative achievements, definitely. But I'm prouder of the personal things , where they overcome difficulties.

There’s probably not much going on in their lives. It’s the conversational equivalent of pointing at clouds.

When my kids were little there were the usual insecure mothers who were boringly over invested in their children’s ‘achievements’ but and I avoided them like the plague. Dull.

I much preferred the laid back mums who were more invested in raising empathetic, resilient children. Their kids were much more rounded characters.

I shocked one of these competitive mothers who was bragging about her DS walking at 9 months with an "Oh my goodness, that must be so hard! Walking before they've developed any ability to be able to stay safe. His poor head, he must be bumping it on everything!" After a bit of a hesitation she did actually admit that was true, and she couldn't leave him alone for a second and was finding it really difficult.

I think some parents get into this whole thing of "early progress is so fantastic" and actually, sometimes it's not!

Early walkers are a menace in the home with no danger recognition, early readers can find themselves frustrated at school when the rest of the class are learning what they already know.

It is difficult for parents to have outliers in either direction, those who are quite away ahead or behind their peers. The children can be quite isolated. At primary school my DSs learned best when they were in a cohort of similar ability children.

That being said the parent who tried to find out what reading level my DS was by inviting him on a play date after school and having a nosy in his school bag to see his reading book did piss me off....

You're best to reframe it IMO. Choose to take it on face value as a sharing of joy that's unrelated to your DC, be pleased for them and celebrate it too. It is a long road ahead and comparison is the thief of joy. By seeing it as a brag, you make it a comparison.

It's also worth remembering that even the most 'perfect' DC will be having issues somewhere and unable to manage some basic tasks/skills for their age, but many won't share that part!

I know in my friend/ family group it isn’t as such a competition but with some of us having older children it gives the newer parents a guide, my dc’s we’re both about 11 months when they started walking and a new mum was a bit worried because her dc was approaching 1 and wasn’t showing any signs so asked us all I think the latest to walk was about 16 months so it gave her a bit of reassurance.

Ah the parenting olympics. Sport for boring arse parents who have no life outside their children.

These people are not my people. Honestly, who even gives a shit?

YABU

Try thinking about it like this… wouldn’t you rather hear someone rooting for their child than being awful towards them? Good for them I say, wish them well and then concentrate on your own journey! Its not a race, as long as you know that, just smile and wish them well, kindness is infectious, we all need a bit of that especially when you’ve just had a baby, it can be a lonely place.
I understand your empathising with the other lady whos child has minor developmental delays, unfortunatly this will crop up all through life, be a supportive friend to her, its something she doesn’t need shielding from, rather supporting with. Her child is her world and they are on their own journey, remind her of that when you see things are tough for her in these situations. Its great to see other people doing well but whats even better is to focus on your own and be present and enjoy every second of it.

you sound like your doing a fantastic job, and you also sound like a really lovely person to recognise this situation on behalf of your friend. Gosh we could all do with a pal like you! X xxx

@glassorangerie ahhh yes maybe that’s it, so I’m not ‘secretly competitive’ but I do care very much and am very proud of my DC’s achievements…but not in relation to other people. So my point is, aren’t all parents like that? So maybe why some come across competitive?

This was my thought. And why I kept groups to a minimum. Second dc I didn't do a single group.

Most parents are genuinely interested in their child's development, and (wrongly) expect others to be the same. I don't think they are all bragging.
Same here.
There's undoubtedly some very competitive parents out there, but I think most are just interested in their children.

I'm glad that I spoke with other mums about development because it gave me the reassurance to get support for one of my DC. With older children now we still talk about how each of the children are doing, support each other and offer advice. I'm quite glad I didn't write them off as competitive mums because they made baby-related small talk.