To ask what gets better after age 1? I’ve had enough

[Lookongfothopw]

Context… my partner died while I was pregnant. It was horrendous as I wasn’t sure I wanted the baby anyway as the relationship was new. He was very supportive and I continued. Baby is now 11 months and I go back to work in four weeks. Her dad’s family are elderly but have been very supportive financially, which was a relief. I’m just… done. I’ve done literally everything for 11 months, no exaggeration. I have not had a moment away due to circumstances (family not around and if they are they are too old etc). I think I just need some hope for the future? I am not sure I was cut out to be a mum and I hope dd is happy. We have a nursery ready, I’m nervous about that. But gosh the monotony of everyday life… the last year has been a total blur. Will it get better?

It depends what u mean? Do u mean the baby, or your life in general. I found it harder once my ds started to walk. He started at 8mo. Then juggling nursery work and other children. And I’ve found it harder since he’s more mobile in to everything. It depends what u want to make better?

Yes. The baby time is the hard slog. I almost wish I had mat leave now with my three year old as he is much more fun

I wasn't made to be a SAHP so work and nursery is great for me. You'll have some accrued leave I assume? Once they've settled in nursery take some leave and just be you. Hairdresser, box set, spa, sleep whatever. I'm lucky to have a great DH but we still do it to gave some adult time together.

I think what gets easier when you make this transition is that you get a bit of you back going to work. I loved going back to work with both of mine. It mean I had time for myself again. I was using my brain differently. I was finishing a coffee without having to re-heat it 700 times. I could get out at lunch time and take a walk or go for a run, alone. I had some freedom again. It did get easier.

If you can, with financial support from your dd's dad's family, see if you can buy in some extra childcare. What I mean is, if you aren't working FT, if you can put her in to nursery a little extra, give yourself a morning or a whole day to get caught up, to sort out the house, get organised, take care of yourself, nap, etc. You don't need to worry about spending quality time with her. You are spending loads of quality time with her. But you need to put your own oxygen mask on first. Find some time to take care of yourself in the week. It doesn't have to be forever, but for a few months, you may find it's incredibly beneficial.

Do you want to be a mum? No judgement at all. Being a parent is a marathon. Long, hard one. If you don’t see yourself putting DD first for the next 18yrs, making those sacrifices (constantly) - would you consider adoption? it’s wise to make choices that are best for you and your child.

@User5512 I don’t know. I only went ahead with the pregnancy as her dad was so keen and so supportive. I don’t know how ive managed the last year. It doesn’t feel real.

Baby time is such a slog and must be incredibly hard doing it all on your own. I promise as they get older and more independent it gets loads easier and they're a joy ❤️ I really enjoyed going back to work personally and getting more grown up headspace. Plus you may be able to find nursery workers who can babysit occasionally to give you a break.

Gosh you’ve been through a lot.

I’ve had three of them and yes, babies are lovely, but when they start walking, talking, eating, and even (well mine were shit at this but apparently it can happen ) sleeping better, I am so much a better mum.

Also, 2 hours back to work after my first maternity leave I remembered that underneath the “everything” I was a human being and someone who wasn’t a mum and had a brain and that made me feel so much better.

so be kind to yourself, better times will come.

Honestly I think it does get better eventually (I hope!), but the toddler years are brutal. I’m finding the 2-3 year age a lot harder than the baby stage as she can now talk and run around and has her own mind so has much bigger tantrums. We’ve got through it by accepting any help there is event though we don’t have family close by, using extra nursery sessions and babysitters, and arranging days out with friends regularly where the toddler can run around together. I’m hoping it gets better once they reach school age.

Mat leave/parenting is dull. I was never cut out to be SAHP (kudos to those that are!). Having DS in nursery/going back to work was so much better for me and I'm a better parent for it.

DS has been going to nusery since he was 11 months old and is now 2. It's a different type of tiring, as they can run around but it's so much more fun when they can properly interact with you.

It sounds tough that it's all been on you for 11 months - I couldn't imagine doing it alone. Some nursery staff also offer babysitting, so once he's built a bond with the staff, you might be able to get some babysitting in and go out with friends for an evening.

So sorry for your loss. i think first year can feel a bit of an unreal blur anyway but coupled with grief and being single parent must be so much more difficult and surreal. From the kid point of view it gets easier as they get more independent and can chat with you etc. you get more back from them. Nursery and work means you get a break from the monotony. My daughter is 2.5 now and will play with her cuddly toys in a child safe bedroom by herself while I can have a shower/do other jobs.

The last bit of maternity I always found the hardest because you know a change is coming and I found maternity leave a bit boring.

it gets easier 1) their sleep generally matures and gets better 2) they learn some basic words like yes and no 3) having nursery and going to work gives you a bit of time to yourself.

so sorry about your loss.
it will get better.

my daughter is 5 and we have proper chats about our days and do some reading at night it’s lovely.

I did not like my DS much until he was around 13 months. I've always loved him but started to think he was brill at around 20minths. He was horrible baby, preemie, had CMPA, always whinged, always hungry, barely slept. But as a toddler, he's lovely. So cute and funny 😁. Going back to work helped, having that respite from him whilst working helped massively. I would say as a toddler he isn't as needy and can play independently.

It is bloody hard, hard when other mum coo over how great newborn life is. Plus you've had a really really shit pregnancy and doing solo. No wonder you feel like this. Give it time ❤

Oh OP I'm sorry about your circumstances. It sounds like you're doing one of the toughest bits on hard mode - solo and grieving, without the hands on support that would give you a break. I'm not surprised you're tired and fed up.

FWIW I found it got SO much easier month by month after the first year. I found the baby stage quite hard. By 18 months it was a different ball game. The child will be interacting, becoming more and more capable of independent play, hopefully sleeping better. Going back to work will hopefully (ironically) give you a bit of a break. Mine is just about 2 so I can't speak for the future, but so far I've found it is getting easier and more fun the older they get. Now they can tell you what they need, ask questions, say things that make you laugh. It's just better x (I know we haven't hit terrible twos yet before anyone says anything!!)

Am so sorry for your loss. Being a new parent is hard without the trauma of losing a partner. I am not surprised that you are finding things difficult. Do you have somewhere to talk about this -grief counselling, support groups, etc? It's absolutely understandable to be struggling and think that support might be beneficial. Things can improve but having the right support around you helps.

Hang in there. It gets better I promise especially at school age

I will be honest as a mum of 4. With 18 months between each. It doesn't get easier, it doesn't get harder. It just changes. If that makes sense. But day to day life is easier when they are in school full time. They grow up so much and they are more reasonable. They can get themselves dressed and sorted. So in that sense I would say aged 6 to 7 is the start of things getting easier as they are settled at school too. But the challenges change.

Also, you are doing amazingly well especially with what you have been through. Cut yourself some slack. Also there are days where I don't like mine very much either! I love them to pieces but have days when I don't like them.

Absolutely !

I went through absolute hell during the first year, then suddenly DC started sleeping through the night at 13 months and everything else also became easier, started walking, talking a bit... etc, it's still tough but not even remotely like it was during that first year.

Hang in there, it'll get easier!

Do you want the honest bit? re the parenting part ( without the other parts) -
You've just had the easiest year ever. Baby stage is the easiest and best part. Kids and schools and teenagers are horrible.

BUT
You've also had a shit year for everything else, that hurt and pain will heal more overtime and you will feel generally better i am sure of it.

It sounds like some support and being back at work etc will help you feel more like yourself

Gross motor skills develop to the point that you can take your child out for the day and she will be able to confidently and safety walk about. She will develop speech rapidly around 18-24 months and be talking in full sentences by 2.5-3 years. Toilet training means the end of nappies and carting all the associated supplies around with you. My DD is nearly three and she can play independently and also engage in role play games with me. Very recently I have even been able to start reasoning with her.

Bring a parent is still hard at times but it’s a lot more interesting and joyful than the baby stage for me. I found a lot of the baby stuff stressful and boring whereas the toddler stage has been great. I went back to work three days per week when DD was one and four day when she was two. I would love to have DD in childcare one day per fortnight when I am not working so I can relax and look after myself but it’s hard to justify why I should have that freedom when my partner does not. If I was in your shoes as a solo parent I would definitely build in some me time. You are probably burnt out after the intense first year after the upheaval you have dealt with.

I'm sorry, OP - you've really been hit for six, haven't you?

I'm not surprised that you're reeling. There are lots of parents who were absolutely committed to having children beforehand who would feel exactly the same in your circumstances.

Hopefully with going back to work, you'll be able to start reclaiming a bit of yourself. Could you maybe afford a babysitter at the weekend occasionally for a few hours just to give you some time to recharge and take care of yourself?

At 1, I found the sleep starts to improve and they can do more so get less frustrated and better at amusing themselves for short periods. The golden age for me was 3... after 3, everything got a lot better.

Seriously? The bereaved, exhausted solo parent of a nearly-one-year-old posts asking if it gets better, and your first suggestion is that she maybe doesn’t want to be a mum and should consider having her child adopted?

OP — it really does get better, but you have been through a hell of a lot and it’s not at all surprising you’re feeling the way you do. It is not unusual to feel lost and ‘done’ and drained at that stage of parenthood. The fact you’ve been doing everything alone in challenging circumstances makes it even more natural.

I hope getting back to work makes a difference for you and that you can find some RL support. Have you had any grief counselling or anything like that?

Yes it gets easier. I was not a fan of the baby stage and found toddlerdom much easier because I’m a happier, calmer person with enough sleep.

Going back to work really helped me, I found the first year extremely challenging and whilst it wasn't like a switch flicked and everything was then perfect; the balance was brilliant for both myself and for DS. He was having fun at nursery with children his age and structured interesting activities and a chance to play and I felt like I had some of myself back to recharge. I then found it got 'better' every year. The challenges change as they get older and don't dissappear, but I do think it'll help a lot

Christ, I was desperate to get back to work and a fully on board DH, I'm sorry for your loss. You have been through a huge trauma.

Yes it gets so much better, I always said I would have liked to have my mat leave when DTs were 2/3. So much more interesting than baby groundhog days.

You've just had the easiest year ever. Baby stage is the easiest and best part. Kids and schools and teenagers are horrible.

^^ In no way at all is this a universal view! Highly subjective and not super helpful here.

Baby stage is the hardest of all for a lot of us. I was like the walking dead; I loved the dc so much but it makes me shudder to remember that time. I coped very badly with the lack of sleep and in terms of my sense of self, was completely lost.

Kids and school and teen years have been so, so lovely for us though, despite challenges with SEN and finances and all sorts.