To ask what gets better after age 1? I’ve had enough

[Lookongfothopw]

Context… my partner died while I was pregnant. It was horrendous as I wasn’t sure I wanted the baby anyway as the relationship was new. He was very supportive and I continued. Baby is now 11 months and I go back to work in four weeks. Her dad’s family are elderly but have been very supportive financially, which was a relief. I’m just… done. I’ve done literally everything for 11 months, no exaggeration. I have not had a moment away due to circumstances (family not around and if they are they are too old etc). I think I just need some hope for the future? I am not sure I was cut out to be a mum and I hope dd is happy. We have a nursery ready, I’m nervous about that. But gosh the monotony of everyday life… the last year has been a total blur. Will it get better?

18m/2 to 3 is the very best age for me. When they start to talk and walk and communicate, but everything is still so pure and innocent - it’s magical.

I’m not maternal at all, so not one of those people who thinks children are special by default but the next phase is truly wonderful. It’s intense in that they’re into everything, but hearing the new words, feeling a little hand slip into yours as you walk - goodness it’s so much more rewarding than the first year.

I agree it gets different. There are challenges as they get older however you get more of you back as they do. I take my hat off to full times mums! I share custody of my DD and I look forward to my nights alone! I don't know how I survived the first few years. I cried a lot. I never had another one for a reason however my DD is so funny and witty (14 now) and we survived it together. She is the thing i am most proud of even though she brings me daily stress! I also got lucky as she is a recluse so I don't have to worry where she is. Seeing the almost adult I have raised makes me realise it is worth it but it is the hardest thing I have ever done. The rewards are coming I promise but babies are rubbish. Once they can talk and reason you at least know what is devastating them today. (Normally something they loved the day before!) You are doing an amazing job especially given your circumstances x

My children are grown up. I was a single parent with no help. I promise you it gets easier, life becomes better and the joy older children bring is immeasurable IMHO.

I didn't enjoy the baby stage. I felt isolated and worn out. I loved 2+ and even the teenage years. Please don't be down. I can not stress enough how much joy they bring when they can talk, personality shines through, they can make their own breakfast etc all of these things as they get older make life easier. Of course its not all a bed of roses but for me the years post baby are the best.

You’ve been through so much OP, I’m sorry. Mum of 4 here and yes I do think it gets easier after 1. Maybe people with ‘easy’ babies think differently. Not being so tied to naps, the emergence of a little personality, bit by bit it gets easier. Of course toddler stage is hard but by then you will be settled back in work and have some break from all the drudgery. If at all possible try and have some nursery hours for her when you’re not at work so you can exercise/relax/whatever

Be kind to yourself. You are not only dealing with becoming a parent (hard enough as it is) but you are grieving the loss of your partner (even if he was a new partner).
Going back to work with help massively. You will regain some identity, use your brain, have adult company, be less isolated. All the best.

The things that get better:

• nurseries are open all year round (almost) - you can take days off work just for yourself
• better sleep at night (hopefully!)
• easier to feed once they are fully on solids
• they start talking and become more like little people. Toddlers are more fun

There probably are other advantages, the toddler years are long behind me, but yes, it gets better, hang in there.

I wasn’t sure I was cut out to be a mum and I’m not sure if I did a good job or not…. I think I did ok. I don’t gush over children generally and I’ve never been broody particularly ( I only have one child). What I have found is I enjoyed every phase more than the last phase. I enjoyed it when my DD was old enough to go to the cinema…. And then old enough to not need to see an animated film. I enjoyed it when she moved from the back seat to the front seat for long car journeys even if it meant listening to Taylor Swift for 3 hours. She is a really fun person to talk to and we have very entertaining conversations. I think I just enjoy older children more than babies and maybe that’s you too. Big hugs to you - anyone who has been through your year would be struggling. Have faith x

I remember it getting much easier after 1 and I’d gone back to work long before then.

DS is 2 and he can now play around me in the living room for a hour or so with minimal input whilst I sit on the sofa.

Firstly, I am sorry to hear about your situation, no wonder you are finding things tough. For me personally I found spending time with my LB much harder when he was a baby vs now (he is 27 months). These days he is engaged, talking, learning, joking... he is affectionate and loving; he is genuinely good company and I adore him. I didn't love spending time with him as a baby, if I am honest, so for me it has got far more enjoyable (although not necessarily easier if that makes sense). I can imagine if you are struggling with the monotony of parent hood being back at work will help a lot. Good luck

I'm so sorry about your partner 😔

I can't give any advice re the grief which I'm sure you're going through, but my experience with having a baby was that pretty much everything got better after a year 😊 Better sleep, more fun interacting with them, easier to feed, you can take them to more fun days out like the zoo/city farm/museum etc.

Do you have many "mum friends"? It definitely helps to hang out and moan.

I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s a crazy thing you’ve had to go through.
My Ds is now 17mo and I’ve loved it since he’s started walking, and is now learning to talk and understand things so much better. It’s far more interactive and therefore more interesting for me also!
The sleeping through the night helps loads too.
Take it easy on yourself. You’ve been through a lot and doing motherhood alone must be exhausting. Have you been getting to baby groups and meeting other mums? Going on play dates? That’s helped me loads.
Once baby is settled in nursery, use a days annual leave here and there to have some time alone. Go have a spa day or whatever will help you relax. A bit of time alone will help loads.

You'll find it easier once you're at work and aren't with your child 24/7. Not everyone enjoys 24 hour parenting and that is completely ok, there is nothing wrong with you or your child. The first 5 years are the hardest until 13, moreso if you're a SAHM. You are still post partum, and have experienced trauma and are probably extremely tired to boot, be gentle on yourself and approach your GP or health visitor or homestart if you need help.

Can you make some space to allow yourself to grieve? You haven't had anything for yourself for a year. I hope you have some support, either situation would be hard enough on anyone.

I've been a single parent to a baby. My little one is now 18 months. Things that helped me- starting her at nursery a couple of months before I was due back at work. Having one day a week that I'm off work and she's at nursery. Going to a baby class most days. It got us out the house and broke up the day. Take all and any offers of babysitting.

It does get easier, I promise.

I do not agree with those who say the first year is easy. Broken sleep nearly killed me. I was a zombie till dc was about 13mo and sleeping through.
starting back at work was tough but ultimately better as work tired is different from childcare tired and for me they balanced well, I was a better mum after some time apart from dc.

I found the first year a monotonous blur and I had a partner and family who helped.

I think you will find it easier soon OP - you've been on your own a lot and it's very boring and hard and lonely. Contact with adults will help.

Once she's settled at nursery, as PP said it's worth asking nursery staff if they're up for babysitting so you can get some more time for yourself. I also use Bubble app for babysitters sometimes - £££ but everyone I've used so far has been great.

Do you know many other parents? It can be really helpful for perspective, support, break up the loneliness a bit. I always think there should be some way of linking up solo parents to share childcare etc.

I disagree that it's all a slog, I found baby times hard but much better once they started talking. Now mine are 4 and 6 and there are challenges but it's nowhere near as hard as a baby who needs constant attention and wakes in the night.

Depending on what the ILs and your family are like, I'd try to keep up close contact with them - my ILs are a bit shaky on their feet but there's a lot you can do reading books, colouring etc together even if GP stay seated and both ILs and DC adore it. You might find they can take charge of DC for short periods (if they want to!) while you're in the background somewhere having a nap or reading a book.

Gosh -it’s understandable that everything feels surreal. That’s a lot of change in a short time and you’ve been through a lot.
Sorry for your loss.
Baby wise - I couldn’t wait to go back to work either. Every stage since then has been better and easier than previous by miles. And when they finally start to vocalise how they are feeling (hungry, cold, tired) that’s an absolute game changer as I didn’t take the mind reading course.

I am single mum to a baby, I have family help and friends closeby and the dad takes him for a couple hours a week so I get at least that respite and I still find it so hard. To think you've been going through the same without any of this help, as well as grieving both your dp and the family life you thought you had ahead - you are INCREDIBLY strong. I know you wish you weren't ina situation where you had to be strong though.

What will also make it harder is that this pregnancy wasn't planned and you didn't have time to really prepare yourself for being a mum let alone a totally single mum.

I echo @SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs - you need to use that financial help you've got to buy yourself some respite time. Mums with partners can leave their baby at home to go for dinner with the girls or get their hair done etc- you can't do this so you need to find a reliable babysitter and/or start nursery before you go back to work. You don't have a village but villages can be bought- buy as much as you can afford.

Please do reach out to friends and let them know you're struggling and ask if they can come over or come and stay.

I’m also not a natural mum, though I really enjoy our weekends together dropping them off at nursery and going to work is always a bit of a relief! They are 3.5 and almost 2 years now - my 3 year old is an absolute dream and I love hanging out with him, but when he was born I had PND and even with DH doing a lot of the work I don’t know how I survived that first year. As pp have said more sleep really helps. I also remember when bedtime took less time (he was a tricky sleeper until he was 2.5) and I got my evenings back for the most part, that was a real turning point.

Also agree with pp who said the magical point is around 3 for those of us who aren’t big fans of the baby years - my almost 2 year old is still exhausting though in a different way to the baby years, we have more fun together but he has a lot of big emotions and likes to be up at 3am…I regularly feel the same way you do but I know from experience it’s not forever!

Hang on in there, find support emotionally if not physically - there was a fantastic Mumsnet thread I used when my DS1 was a baby that saved my sanity more than once - and maybe see if a friend can take DC for a few hours one day so you can get a nap/massage/walk/whatever fills your cup. That really helped me.

Sorry you have had to deal with all this alone 💐

The fact that you'll be back at work will make a huge difference. You'll be able to have adult conversations, you'll get time to focus on something other than "What does DD need next" and more importantly, you'll get a chance to miss your DD.

Stick any two people together for every minute of every day and they're going to start driving each other nuts. That doesn't change just because one of those people is a tiny baby. Time away from your child will make you appreciate the time you spend with her far more.

In terms of how your daughter is going to change over the next year or so, she's going to start being able to understand far more. You'll be able to communicate more, she's going to start becoming her own little person, with her own ideas and wants. I'm not going to pretend it's going to be easy, in some ways it will be much harder, but it will be different. You'll be able to reason with her, to explain that if you do this now, then later this can happen. A lot of the time she won't listen to you, but she will understand. I vastly preferred the toddler years than that first year. It was difficult, but so so much more rewarding.

Lastly, cut yourself some slack. You've had a spectacularly difficult first year with her, and you've come through it. You've lost your partner, had to learn to parent while grieving, and had to do it all by yourself.

And you've done it. Not perfectly, but then every single parent can say that. My DD is nearly an adult now, and I still have moments from that first year that sometimes pop into my head in the middle of the night, moments where I got it wrong, where I did something dangerous, or stupid.

Your child is fed, and clothed, and safe, and loved. You are winning.

From the monotony point of view can you buddy up with others with kids for adult company to break the boredom? Don’t feel like a dick for finding it dull- lots of us do whilst still loving our kids to bits.

I think it is hard for anyone else to answer this, because everyone's experience will be different and everyone has different stages they enjoy and different stages they find hard. It also varies baby by baby too. So what someone else found easier/harder may not correlate with your experience. But it sounds like you need some respite which hopefully nursery will provide.

It really depends on the child. My first was quite a tricky baby in some ways but is a really fun toddler - intelligent, funny, well-behaved (as two year olds go!) and watching her learn about the world is genuinely lovely. She recognises four letters now!!

My second had been a really chill baby but 13 months she's starting to know her own mind. We'll have to see how she is as a child. My mum will tell anyone's who listens how I was just awful as a young child and barely slept through the night till I was about nine, but then I was a virtually problem free teenager.

I'm sorry about your situation OP, it sounds really hard. What I can promise is that, even if there are other difficulties, having feedback from them as they transition from babies to children is always a help.

I completely disagree. I found the first year horrendously difficult. In fact awful. I hated the majority of it. For me if got easier the more independent they became. Toddler years still difficult but not as bad as the new born part. Going back to work was a huge step forward, but real breakthrough once at primary. Now teen aged and dispite all the crap that comes with that, I love being around them, they are great fun and I'm definitely a better parent

Sending love to you OP, you've been through the hardest 12 months ever. Can you go chat to your GP? If baby was a bit younger I'd have said the perinatal mental health team would have been a good source of support, but there may still be help you can get

Fuck me, I can't believe people are telling you to have your child adopted because you've had a first rough year as grieving parent.

My husband and I split when my daughter was 3 months old, and it was fucking awful. The monotony killed me, I hated parenting, all awful. At six months I got a nanny, and at one year she went to a child minder 8.30-5.30 Tuesday - Friday, and now I love parenting. She's a delight, she's incredibly happy, my career is back on track, and the three days we spend together are so much fun. Every month she gets older I love her more and we're able to enjoy our time together more. They're like people as they get older, rather than just little needy creatures. You've got so much to look forward to, soon you'll be able to watch films together, go on days out, give her an iPad so you can sleep in the morning, go swimming, go on playdates, go for long walks, the list endless.

Starting to date and going back to work also helped me. I had people over in the evenings all the time so as soon as my daughter was in bed I could feel like my old self again. Cooking, working out, buying clothes, getting my hair done, doing proper full body shower and shave routine, tanning, watching stupid TV shows in the evening, going back to reading books, it all started to build me into a version of me who didn't just exist to keep my child alive, and now with an almost two year old I'm the happiest I've ever been.