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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this 4 year old?

62 replies

SayYourWorst · 10/09/2023 17:01

NC for this as I may be roasted alive, I don't know.

I'm 60+ and have never had kids and never lived with one before.

Without going into "outing" details I am sharing a house with a man of 30 who has his 4 yr old from Friday to Monday every weekend. She is blonde, corkscrew-haired and physically angelic and he is totally besotted with her, dressing her up in princess or fairy dresses and spending every weekend indulging her every whim, taking her for whole days out, etc.

I have noticed two things that have shocked me but, as I know bugger all about kids, maybe they are normal and acceptable and I am entirely wrong. Hence "AIBU?"

Firstly, whilst she looks absolutely adorable the same cannot be said about her behaviour. When grown-ups attempt to talk to each other she instantly interrupts and if ignored shouts louder and louder until they stop talking and focus all attention on her, then she gets quieter and babbles. Today we had to stop talking because we literally could not hear one another over her excessive din. This makes it impossible for me to convey anything, even just three or four quick sentences, to him except by text. Even if she seems to be absorbed in something, the moment we start to speak to one another she talks louder and louder until she starts to simply scream. It worries me that he never tells her to 'be quiet whilst adults talk'. I have said nothing so far because in his eyes she is a perfect angel who can do no wrong.

However, it seems to me that to be a proper, loving parent, one must also teach a child good manners as part of socialising her to be able to interact with others. Otherwise she will never succeed in making friends or be welcomed by other adults. I feel he is letting her down by not teaching her essential social skills. AIBU?

Secondly he feeds her (mostly out but sometimes at home) entirely on processed, carby, factory-made 'junk' including nuggets and Diet Coke. To my mind, when she is an adult she can do what she likes with her own body, but until she is old enough to understand the link between food and health surely he has a duty of care to ensure her growing body and her brain are properly nourished and also to take care of her teeth. She has a lot of physical and mental activities ahead of her over the next decade or so and I don't think junk foods can give her body the support it needs. Again, I have said nothing but that seems wrong, too - I want to protect her from harm.

Am I being an old fuddy-duddy? Is this the way things are these days?

AIBU?

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 10/09/2023 17:13

Is this man your partner or your housemate or what? Because on the face of it, none of this sounds like any of your business.

He only has his child at weekends, and she’s four years old, so why shouldn’t he “take her out for whole days” or let her dress up as a fairy?

She is blonde, corkscrew-haired and physically angelic

What’s that got to do with any of this?!

Small children can be annoying and she might be a complete brat for all we know, but unless you’re planning on becoming stepmother to a four-year-old while old enough to draw your state pension, I don’t understand why you’re so invested in what someone else’s child eats or wears or how much her parent(s) spoil her.

Lindtnotlint · 10/09/2023 17:16

Nuggets pretty normal. Four year olds are frequently awful eaters and exist on beige food and the odd carrot stick. Diet Coke seems unusual (I certainly don’t think most four year olds drink it).

Araminta34 · 10/09/2023 17:22

I agree with you on both points. Yes, she should be told not to interrupt adults, and yes, she should be given nourishing food instead of junk.
However, as she's not your daughter, I think you will have to leave him to it. Maybe when she's with you, you could offer to cook. If you give her a few healthy choices, she might pick one.

Rudolphthefrog · 10/09/2023 17:23

There’s “protecting her from harm”, which is everyone’s responsibility and there’s “protecting her from sub optimal but adequate parenting” where unless you’re this child’s other parent it’s really not something you can do. No I wouldn’t have let my child have had cola at age four or indulged them to the extent this man apparently does his child, but plenty of people out there do. She’ll eventually learn better social skills.

I’m guessing this is someone like your adult stepson and his daughter, in which case you are perfectly reasonable to say you don’t want to have every weekend disrupted by this child.

Testina · 10/09/2023 17:27

You don’t have a child, so you don’t know much about them!
You don’t realise that the corkscrew hair is quite important - it’s a genetic marker giveaway. That diet is the right one for her (Diet Coke seems odd, but it’s the easy way to get the aspartame her body can’t synthesise itself). The marker has comorbidity with excess speech - there’s nothing he can do about it - tends to peak at age 6 though.

Vinrouge4 · 10/09/2023 17:28

She’s 4 for goodness sake and sounds like she is from a broken home. Probably wants her dad’s attention and good for him in putting her first. The food situation is not so good but as it is just the weekends, hopefully she is better fed during the week.

Testina · 10/09/2023 17:29

“Am I being an old fuddy-duddy? Is this the way things are these days?”

You know that nobody is going to say that unchecked bad manners and junk crap food is a good thing. So you’re just really posting to get people to agree with your wee bitch about this man. For that - YABU.

7Worfs · 10/09/2023 17:29

4-year olds interrupt, and even if told, forget a lot. He should be establishing this though. Probably not worth you mentioning it.
The good thing needs attention - don’t listen to the PP saying all children eat junk. Patently not true.
I would not tell the dad he’s doing a shit job though - I’d simply start offering home cooked food, fruit bowls, veg, cheeses, nuts as a snack.

Testina · 10/09/2023 17:30

@Vinrouge4 “sounds like she is from a broken home”

oh dial down the melodrama! Sounds like she’s no longer subjected to living within a relationship that had “broken”, and now has two perfectly functional loving homes.

The 60s called 🤣

Zanatdy · 10/09/2023 17:31

I always asked my children to wait until
adults finished talking and not interrupt - it’s basic manners

Araminta34 · 10/09/2023 17:32

Testina · 10/09/2023 17:27

You don’t have a child, so you don’t know much about them!
You don’t realise that the corkscrew hair is quite important - it’s a genetic marker giveaway. That diet is the right one for her (Diet Coke seems odd, but it’s the easy way to get the aspartame her body can’t synthesise itself). The marker has comorbidity with excess speech - there’s nothing he can do about it - tends to peak at age 6 though.

Could you give a link to this? I haven't heard that corkscrew hair (by which you mean tight curls?) is a marker for anything.
Also, it isn't necessary to have a child of your own to know about children. There are plenty of childless teachers.

Parpadew · 10/09/2023 17:34

She sounds annoying but... don't live with her dad.

GolgafrinchamB · 10/09/2023 17:39

Disney Dads love to give give their children over-processed crap. They also like being the Fun Parent and leave the tricky parts like nutrition and discipline to the resident parent.

Your co-tenant sounds like he falls into this category.

Testina · 10/09/2023 17:39

@Araminta34 “Could you give a link to this? I haven't heard that corkscrew hair (by which you mean tight curls?) is a marker for anything.”

I can’t, because it isn’t!
I was joking… OP included such a random nonsensical piece of information about the hair, I decided to add my own! Not everyone has the same sense of humour, but I thought that suggesting anyone needed Diet Coke because they couldn’t synthesise an artificial sweetener that nobody needs would be a bit of a give away 😉 Even without the very specific claim to comorbidity with excess speech specifically until 6!

GolgafrinchamB · 10/09/2023 17:41

Testina · 10/09/2023 17:27

You don’t have a child, so you don’t know much about them!
You don’t realise that the corkscrew hair is quite important - it’s a genetic marker giveaway. That diet is the right one for her (Diet Coke seems odd, but it’s the easy way to get the aspartame her body can’t synthesise itself). The marker has comorbidity with excess speech - there’s nothing he can do about it - tends to peak at age 6 though.

Yes, corkscrew curls are Diet Coke diet. Wavy auburn is San Pellegrino lemonade diet.

I’m particularly lucky that straight grey hair indicates gin and tonic diet, which I dutifully follow.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 10/09/2023 17:42

It's normal for kids that age to interrupt but they need to be taught that it's rude. I remember finding it very frustrating on play dates when my kids were that age as you'd be in mid conversation and kids would interrupt and other parents just turned their attention on them. I would tell mine to wait. It sounds like this girl is spoilt, it's not unusual unfortunately.

takealettermsjones · 10/09/2023 17:43

Testina · 10/09/2023 17:27

You don’t have a child, so you don’t know much about them!
You don’t realise that the corkscrew hair is quite important - it’s a genetic marker giveaway. That diet is the right one for her (Diet Coke seems odd, but it’s the easy way to get the aspartame her body can’t synthesise itself). The marker has comorbidity with excess speech - there’s nothing he can do about it - tends to peak at age 6 though.

🤣🤣🤣

CostelloJones · 10/09/2023 17:44

I do actually agree with both your points - he should teach her manners and feed her proper food

I did however vote YABU because it is not up to you to comment on his parenting.

just offer her some fruit?

CostelloJones · 10/09/2023 17:45

Two birds, one stone - eating something healthy and she will be quiet 🤣

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 17:45

The talking over you thing is normal. She’s the centre of her universe and her dad shouldn’t give his attention to someone else. (In her view). Another possibility is her dad talks far too much and she isn’t polite about it

SisterMichaelsHabit · 10/09/2023 17:45

YANBU but there's not a lot you can do about it. PP's suggestion about cooking for them occasionally might be the way to go.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 10/09/2023 17:47

Oh and the talking over you isn't normal in this house. My DS tries it and is told very clearly to wait and we will stop an adult exchange to tell him that we are talking and he has to wait if we need to. It makes our conversation take longer but he has to learn.

takealettermsjones · 10/09/2023 17:48

You must have heard the phrase pick your battles... Interrupting is not a hill I would die on with a four year old. My three year old does it all the time. I have told her not to, repeatedly, but it happens. She's little and not great at waiting. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It'll happen.

Batatahara · 10/09/2023 17:50

4 year olds are annoying - I couldn't live with one that wasn't my own

But your language about this is a bit weird - it's normal for parents to be "besotted" with their children. And if she only sees him at weekends, I don't think it's that strange that she finds it hard to sit around while you chat to him. Are you a bit jealous of him giving her attention?

DinnaeFashYersel · 10/09/2023 17:50

Having a 4 yr old around if you are not used to kids is annoying.

Her blond curls are irrelevant.

Food - some kids are beige eaters. Some parents are shit cooks. But ultimately it's not really something to worry about.

Days out - that's a good thing.

Interrupting- she will learn. But she's 4 so hasn't learned yet. And again you are not used to kids.