AIBU about this 4 year old?

[SayYourWorst]

NC for this as I may be roasted alive, I don't know.

I'm 60+ and have never had kids and never lived with one before.

Without going into "outing" details I am sharing a house with a man of 30 who has his 4 yr old from Friday to Monday every weekend. She is blonde, corkscrew-haired and physically angelic and he is totally besotted with her, dressing her up in princess or fairy dresses and spending every weekend indulging her every whim, taking her for whole days out, etc.

I have noticed two things that have shocked me but, as I know bugger all about kids, maybe they are normal and acceptable and I am entirely wrong. Hence "AIBU?"

Firstly, whilst she looks absolutely adorable the same cannot be said about her behaviour. When grown-ups attempt to talk to each other she instantly interrupts and if ignored shouts louder and louder until they stop talking and focus all attention on her, then she gets quieter and babbles. Today we had to stop talking because we literally could not hear one another over her excessive din. This makes it impossible for me to convey anything, even just three or four quick sentences, to him except by text. Even if she seems to be absorbed in something, the moment we start to speak to one another she talks louder and louder until she starts to simply scream. It worries me that he never tells her to 'be quiet whilst adults talk'. I have said nothing so far because in his eyes she is a perfect angel who can do no wrong.

However, it seems to me that to be a proper, loving parent, one must also teach a child good manners as part of socialising her to be able to interact with others. Otherwise she will never succeed in making friends or be welcomed by other adults. I feel he is letting her down by not teaching her essential social skills. AIBU?

Secondly he feeds her (mostly out but sometimes at home) entirely on processed, carby, factory-made 'junk' including nuggets and Diet Coke. To my mind, when she is an adult she can do what she likes with her own body, but until she is old enough to understand the link between food and health surely he has a duty of care to ensure her growing body and her brain are properly nourished and also to take care of her teeth. She has a lot of physical and mental activities ahead of her over the next decade or so and I don't think junk foods can give her body the support it needs. Again, I have said nothing but that seems wrong, too - I want to protect her from harm.

Am I being an old fuddy-duddy? Is this the way things are these days?

AIBU?

You're completely right.
But you'll be eaten alive on Mumsnet where kids are accorded saint like status no matter what they do 😁.
Also love that the suggestions are to put yourself out by making or even just offering her healthier food.
Because a woman must of course subordinate her interests to a child no matter how unpleasant the latter was 🙄.
Do no such thing.
Make sure that she can't damage your stuff, keep it your room, locked.

she is in your house, interrupting you, Tell her Off

as far as the food goes,
why not mention it, kindly

Talking over adults isn’t that unusual they want to be centre of attention. Really it is best to tell the child not to interrupt but they still do. Add on to that a broken home where she may feel insecure in her Dads attention and he may feel guilty about it all…. Seems easier to let it go.

re the food maybe suggest helping him with some hidden veggie pasta or spag bol? But otherwise again quite common for kids to be fussy and like bland foods.

honestly young kids are kn0b heads a lot of the time!

4 year olds are awful

That diet is the right one for her (Diet Coke seems odd, but it’s the easy way to get the aspartame her body can’t synthesise itself)
Sorry, is this an attempt at satire? I don't understand a word of it.

😆😆😆 black hair is whisky diet, thank god

People are only posting those suggestions because OP is complaining about the child's diet. The low-maintenance solution would be for OP to mind her own business.

but i think the op can get away with telling her off, like an aunty gets away with telling off a 4 year old

@Greensleeves
Yes I can see your point, and maybe I'm too cynical - but those are not the same people who say "all 4 year olds are awful".

did a DNA screening which suggested the Aperol Spritz diet… it’s hard work keeping it up but I know what’s good for me 😜

I think it really depends on what "sharing a house" means. If this guy is op's lodger - absolutely. If she is the lodger, no way.
If they're sharing a rented property on equal terms, then a conversation needs to be had.

that was me - hi

All normal, if not desirable behaviour. 4yo's can be fussy, so if nuggets are the only way to get protein in, so be it. It's better then an empty tummy.

Talking over people is rude, but I tend not to frame it as "be quite when adults are talking", it's equally rude talking over people of any age. I might sometimes say "I'm talking, can you wait for your turn" but mostly I teach it by modeling the desired behaviour. Eg. Listening to the kid until they have finished (very few adults do this, despite expecting it). Yes, I don't alway want to sit through a 10 minute description of a 5 minute peppa pig episode, but they're not going to learn how to engage in conversation if they don't get the opertunity to contribute to them.

@Willmafrockfit
Hi sorry I didn't mean to drag you into it!
I meant that the people who tell OP to cook for the kid are also those who are all "ah she's just a kid, poor little baby", rather than being neutral (or the other side of neutral like you 😁). So in my mind the suggestion for OP to put herself out and cook was part of that attitude rather than a neutral solution.

i think i understand @SeulementUneFois

It depends on the relationship between the 3 of you, but I'd be inclined to tell the brat to shut up when you and Daddy are talking.

If she's 4 she will be in reception so she won't get away with interrupting a teacher at school, so I think you can tell her to wait until you and daddy have finished talking. You can say this in a way that you're not telling her off. I wouldn't say anything about her diet, as she could eat a really healthy diet when she's at home, and I don't think that is your business really.

I actually do think it’s your business if she is living in your home. I’m guessing it’s your home and he’s paying you rent regardless of the relationship?

Nobody wants to live with a child who isn’t taught manners.

Is this the way things are these days?

I’m nearly 50, OP, and was fed on watered down evaporated milk as a baby. There have always been people who feed children rubbish, often due to lack of income or education but not always. My own kids were breastfed and ate organic veg. People generally do the best they can- it’s nothing to do with “these days”.

No, not satire - nothing more deep than a simple joke. It only works though if you know that the sweetener in Diet Coke is aspartame, and that it is an artificial substance (and therefore there cannot be any need for the body to synthesise it) and to know what synthesis is. And even then it only works if it’s your sense of humour.

Is the 30 year old your step son? If so could your DP talk it him? The interrupting is rude but I would correct it if it were my child. You are also right about the food of course. Could you cook together or with child to demonstrate how easy heathy cooking can be. I'm assuming you DP is grandad in the scenario.

I forgot to add before - I don't understand your objection to "whole days out" - her dad is probably aware you find it difficult being around her so is trying to be considerate by taking her out. It's also pretty normal to take 4 year olds out for the day anyway

Totally agree with your take on the situation OP.
Too often on MN people say that it's not your business.
But what happened to people looking out for one another. And being concerned about a child?

Apparently on MN it's best not to get involved - imo it's best to get involved just in case! xx

Totally depends on your relationship to the child and dad.

If you’re e.g. an aunt, then it’s not your place to say anything about the Diet Coke. If you’re granny, then you could have a word.

Chicken nuggets is normal

Four year olds talking loads and interrupting is normal (although bloody annoying)

Taking his daughter for full days out is normal/good parenting (also maybe he doesn’t want to inconvenience you by keeping her in the house?)

Engaging in her interests with her (e.g. dressing up) is good parenting

In summary: four year olds are dreadful to parent - dreadful. Sounds like he is doing fine and you should probably keep your beak out.

Basically this.