Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To conclude that some things are unforgivable ?

51 replies

Camero · 10/09/2023 14:52

If someone you love, and who loves you, does things which are truly horrific to you; is it possible those things are unforgivable?

I know the first response will be "people who really love you don't do horrific things to you" - but actually sometimes they do.

If that happens and you truly love them and they truly love you and you both wish it had never happened, is it possible that some wounds are just irreparable?

I feel I have tried, and maybe "unforgivable" is the wrong word, but I can't undo the destruction. I feel a deep sense of loss, and I'm wondering if its unreasonable to think not everything can be fixed.

Even if you really wish it could. Even if not fixing it means you'll be a little bit sad for the rest of your life.

OP posts:

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 14:54

Yes I’ve had my trust broken so badly by someone that I don’t think I can ever trust them again. I still care about them and wish it wasn’t like this but sometimes you just can’t fix it

CheshireCats · 10/09/2023 14:57

Sorry, but you are wrong. People who truly love you do not do horrific things to you. That is what you need to accept before you can truly begin to process what has happened and move on with your life.

Whatweeating · 10/09/2023 14:59

Surely it completely depends on the circumstances and what they've done?

Tipofthemeltingiceberg · 10/09/2023 14:59

Horrific actions don’t sound to me like something that you can get past. Decent human beings don’t do horrific things to each other.

Sometimes you can ‘decide’ to try and move past whatever happened but deciding to and actually being able to are too very different things.

Sometimes we can’t forgive, and for very good reason - if it stops that thing happening to us again.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 15:00

Sometimes we can’t forgive, and for very good reason - if it stops that thing happening to us again.

yes this. It isn’t even about forgiveness for me though. I just can’t risk it

UnbeatenMum · 10/09/2023 15:04

Would it help to see the forgiveness as separate to having an ongoing relationship/ setting boundaries etc? If forgiveness is important to you that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to continue a relationship in the same way or at all.

billy1966 · 10/09/2023 15:05

Some things are indeed completely unforgivable.

They can be different things for different people.

I don't think it is healthy to try and force yourself to forgive the unforgivable.

Despite even wanting to forgive someone something awful, sometimes you just are unable to.

That is ok in my mind.

Ilovelurchers · 10/09/2023 15:07

Depends what you mean by "truly horrific" really - that will mean different things to different people.

Cheating for example is often seen on here as a truly horrific act. I do absolutely believe it is possible to love someone and cheat on them. I'm not saying everybody who cheats on their partner and still claims to love them really does. But some do.

Some people can forgive this and some can't - there are no hard and fast rules.

Hope you are ok OP - it sounds like you are really struggling.

Original poster

Camero · 10/09/2023 15:08

I think damaged people do horrific things to people they love all the time. It's a part of life I've had to come to understand.

Actually when someone (anyone) does something horrific, it's about them, and almost never about the victim.

This is a sad thing, one that I wish were not true, but people can really love you and still do terrible, horrific things to you.

If you've ever loved an addict for example, this is a pretty common experience. Loving people isn't something that automatically equips you to always act in loving ways.

OP posts:

DinaofCloud9 · 10/09/2023 15:09

I'm not a forgiving person so loads of things are unforgivable to me. Break my trust or deliberately upset me and I'm done. I'm not anyone's emotional punch bag.

Chestnutz · 10/09/2023 15:13

I very much think there is much more context and circumstances needed. Trauma, addiction, Ill health May all cause people to do things that are destructive. It’s possible to have a relationship but it might be different. Each person would have to consider whether it’s a future that they want.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2023 15:17

Of course not everything can be fixed, nor should it be. Unless it's your child, your love for someone should never be unconditional. When it comes to your partners, your love or willingness to stay should have many conditions.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/09/2023 15:23

I certainly don't forgive my stepfather for sexually abusing me neither do I forgive my mother for lying to me about my parentage for 60 years. I found out from DNA test.

BackToOklahoma · 10/09/2023 15:23

Not everything can be fixed. Sometimes, even if you forgive, you can’t have a relationship with that person due to it being in your memory.

As a pp said, it depends on the situation, who it is etc.

TotalOverhaul · 10/09/2023 15:29

Camero · 10/09/2023 15:08

I think damaged people do horrific things to people they love all the time. It's a part of life I've had to come to understand.

Actually when someone (anyone) does something horrific, it's about them, and almost never about the victim.

This is a sad thing, one that I wish were not true, but people can really love you and still do terrible, horrific things to you.

If you've ever loved an addict for example, this is a pretty common experience. Loving people isn't something that automatically equips you to always act in loving ways.

But an addict doesn't love anyone at all. They loathe themselves profoundly and they care only about one thing: the fix of drink/drugs/gambling high/anonymous sex.

Yes, damaged people do behave badly towards people they care about because they don't really know how to love. What I have learned in life is that you don't have to put up with shit form damaged people you love. you can love them and set extremely firm boundaries. Interestingly if you do, you often find their behaviour towards you and around you improves. Either that or they drift off in search of another mug who will tolerate their abuse, in which case, it was never love in the first place. It was convenience. For them.

People should deserve your love. If they have abused another living creature in any way, think very hard about why your standards on what love is are so skewed and whether you'd prefer to raise them.

hattie43 · 10/09/2023 15:31

Why talk in riddles , how can anyone form a view without knowing the issue .

Fallingthroughclouds · 10/09/2023 15:33

I agree this is a bit too obscure.

stampquestion · 10/09/2023 15:36

What even is forgiveness?

The concept "radical acceptance" might come closer to what is possible for me.

Privatelyliving · 10/09/2023 15:37

I agree damaged people can do terrible things as as part of their coping mechanism, but that doesn't make it OK.

I can move past it to a point where I can be civil, even friendly, but distance myself from any possibility of a close trusting relationship.

Whyohwhywyoming · 10/09/2023 15:42

Of course addicts love people 🙄 and I say this as someone who had to divorce an alcoholic. I had to do it for my own well-being and that of my children but it’s not as simple as “decent” people and “horrible” people. Addiction is awful and it makes people desperate. Often addicts are responding to their own trauma - my exH had a really awful childhood - it’s really difficult for a lot of us to put ourselves in their position. However you can empathise without sacrificing your own mental health and well being.

Frodedendron · 10/09/2023 15:42

You don't have to forgive, but no act is unforgivable.

The choice to forgive lies with the wronged party. Don't belittle yourself by telling yourself that you are without agency in this situation and that whatever has happened is simply unable to be forgiven. You have the power to forgive or not, and both options can be very powerful. It's your choice.

Greenfinch7 · 10/09/2023 15:44

I don't think addicts are incapable of love. That is just not true. My mother was an alcoholic- she used alcohol to hide from her disappointments and deal with her difficult past, but she was full of love for her kids. As they got older and no longer need her in daily life, she started to drink to deal with the emptiness she felt. To some extent, I can understand and I forgive the terrible pain she brought into my life. I can't completely forgive though- it's not black and white.

Original poster

Camero · 10/09/2023 16:11

Context: someone I love did terrible things to me during a period of trauma and addiction. They're a deeply damaged and flawed human being. And I love them, completely, but the damage they did is too big to continue the relationship. Despite having tried.

Probably a big part of that is that they are still a traumatised, damaged and flawed human being and while remorseful, still has all the same flaws that existed then.

Forgiveness isn't the right word. I still love them so much it hurts. I still wish them every good thing in life. I just can't give them love (verb) anymore; because they've hurt me too badly.

OP posts:

toomuchforonewoman · 10/09/2023 16:29

I agree addicts can do horrific things to people they deeply love and also people with severe mental health issues. Some of these things can be unforgivable and things get broken beyond repair. You can still grieve the relationship though and also feel a deep feeling of loss of what could have been.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2023 17:05

@Camero

I think damaged people do horrific things to people they love all the time. It's a part of life I've had to come to understand.

I think a distinction needs to be made as to what 'love' is in this context.

In our society we believe that 'love conquers all' and 'love forgives all'. And there is even an old song that (horribly) says 'You only hurt the one you love'. What a terrible message! But love doesn't conquer all, love doesn't NEED to forgive damaging or horrific behaviour, and FGS you do NOT intentionally hurt the one you love!!

A person who is damaged so badly they do horrific things does not really 'love' their victim in the healthy sense of the word. They 'love' in a destructive and unhealthy way, which is not 'real' love at all. A man may say he 'loves' his wife even as he's beating her. But he obviously doesn't love her at all. He loves his victimization of her. That's just one example, there are other even more distressing ones that I won't mention here, but I'm sure we can all think of them. But it is an important distinction between healthy love and unhealthy 'love'.

If someone you love, and who loves you, does things which are truly horrific to you; is it possible those things are unforgivable?

It is not only 'possible', those things are absolutely unforgivable. You don't have to forgive anybody who has hurt you no matter what anyone else may be telling you that you should or are 'required' to do.

But again, that person who did those things doesn't really love you in the healthy 'real' sense of the word, no matter how much you think they do. And if someone else is telling you to forgive them, then that person doesn't love you, either.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread