Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS 'next of kin'?

61 replies

janeaustensstuntdouble · 10/09/2023 12:24

Bit of backstory, sorry for length: DS1(30)'s bio father left when he was a baby. It was an unplanned pregnancy and he basically couldn't cope with the commitment. A year later I met my DH, who has been dad ever since. We had two more DCs and have always treated all three entirely equally. Ex drifted in and out (mostly out) for a few years, has never paid a penny in any support, and then we lost contact for quite a while (I discovered he was living abroad, but has since moved back). For the last ten years we've been amicably in touch via social media, have spoken on the phone once and messaged a few times; same with him and DS - they've spoken and messaged but not met face to face since DS was a child. DS doesn't seem particularly bothered - he has his own very busy life, Ex lives a very long way from him, and myself, DH, and the other DCs are his family.

However, Ex did mention briefly at one point that DS was his 'next of kin'. I didn't pursue it with him at the time, but I think this would be correct as he had no further children and has been single for a number of years. He has one other sibling and some nieces/nephews, but that's it. I mentioned this to DS, but we are unsure of what that might mean in a practical sense, and neither of us feels particularly comfortable to ask Ex any more about it.

Also, I do wonder if this means Ex plans to leave his estate to DS, or if this would automatically happen anyway? If this is the case (and here's where I'm probably BU) I can't help feeling that would somehow be unfair on our other DCs after we've strived so hard to keep everything equal between them. In mine and DH's wills we have split everything exactly equally between all three. It doesn't seem fair if DS1 then might inherit a load from another 'dad' who was never in the picture.

DH thinks it's not our business and says if that happens, it is what it is. Also, there's a lot of 'ifs' involved - Ex might meet someone else (he's late 50s) and we know nothing of his business or finances, etc etc. I'm sure he's right, and know life isn't always fair and equal and all our DCs are making their own way in the world now, but still, I wonder if IAB entirely U to feel this way?

Also, can anyone shed light on what 'next of kin' might actually mean for DS?

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 10/09/2023 12:27

It's very hard to know without input from your ex I'm afraid.

However if your ex does decide to leave an inheritance to your DS then that is between them and not your business.

NuffSaidSam · 10/09/2023 12:30

Your DH is absolutely right.

Such an odd thing for you to be thinking about.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 10/09/2023 12:32

OrigamiOwls · 10/09/2023 12:27

It's very hard to know without input from your ex I'm afraid.

However if your ex does decide to leave an inheritance to your DS then that is between them and not your business.

This. I get that you have tried to treat all 3 equally, and so you should given all 3 are yours... but your son's biological dad can do whatever he wants with his assets when he dies. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't extend to leaving his son's two siblings who are of no relation to him whatsoever anything. Nor do I think you should ever mention any of this to your son or his siblings. It's his inheritance and his alone, he is under no obligation (and I'd hope no pressure) to share it with his siblings. He has had to go through life knowing his dad realistically doesn't place him high enough on his list of priorities, that's a horrible burden to bear that your other children don't have. So if he leaves him anything to make up for it then so be it.

3dogsandarabbit · 10/09/2023 12:34

Next of kin means that your husband could if he wanted to leave everything to your son in his will. I know it seems unfair on your other children but that's just how it is.

99redballoons123 · 10/09/2023 12:36

Any inheritance that may or may not come is between your son and his father alone. He is still his biological father, and he has very right to leave everything to his son if he wishes.

I am estranged from my father, and for me for practically all it has meant is that when he was very ill in hospital I was contacted on his request. This possibly could happen in your sons situation especially as he does have contact with his father. But hopefully your son will be a lot older before he has to deal with anything like that.

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 12:37

If there's no will and no other children or living spouse then any assets are left entirely to his son under the law of intestacy.

This is none of your business.

If he wants to make a will and leave everything to your son (or whoever he chooses) this is also none of your business.

You may well be dead yourself before any of this comes to pass.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/09/2023 12:38

But things aren't equal between your three children. Two have their biological father as a resident parent, and one has been rejected by their biological father. If your ex has not had any other children and has never married then your son will automatically inherit everything if there is no will. It's not his fault, it's just the way it is. The thing is, this idea of keeping things fair isn't necessarily the best thing anyway. Children have different needs, and sometimes one will need more support than the others. Things being fair or equal doesn't mean things being the same.

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 10/09/2023 12:40

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/09/2023 12:38

But things aren't equal between your three children. Two have their biological father as a resident parent, and one has been rejected by their biological father. If your ex has not had any other children and has never married then your son will automatically inherit everything if there is no will. It's not his fault, it's just the way it is. The thing is, this idea of keeping things fair isn't necessarily the best thing anyway. Children have different needs, and sometimes one will need more support than the others. Things being fair or equal doesn't mean things being the same.

Completely agree with this.

Bearonthestair · 10/09/2023 12:42

Absolutely none of your business and completely out of your control. Your ds is 30. So what If he inherits money? Put it out of your head. What a weird thing to obsess about.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 10/09/2023 12:42

Your son was abandoned by his father and you’re worried that he’s the one that’s going to get an unfair advantage on the off chance he inherits?

Fififafa · 10/09/2023 12:43

Are you asking because you want to leave less of your estate for your DS in your wills incase he inherits from his biological father? That would be a bad move. Divide your estate equally between the 3 DC. What happens with DS’s father’s estate is irrelevant.

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 12:43

Medical-wise, hospitals may contact your son as next of kin, but only if his bio father has given them his details as a contact, and he wants them to keep him informed.

Your son wouldn't be asked to make medical decisions on his behalf. This only happens on TV.

10HailMarys · 10/09/2023 12:44

Your DH is right; it’s none of your business.

Also you don’t even know what he meant by ‘next of kin’. It can be a legal term, but it can also just be shorthand for ‘closest blood relative’ or ‘the person who gets a call if something goes wrong when you’re in hospital’ or other non-legally binding things. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex has left anything to your son in his will, or that he hasn’t made a will and that everything would go to your son as default. If the latter was true he could easily get married between now and his death which would mean everything went to his wife anyway.

Original poster
janeaustensstuntdouble · 10/09/2023 12:45

Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting in any way that DS or anyone else should share anything (if indeed it happens), and of course it's not our business. My question was really to ponder how far AIBU to feel this way? As a parent we do try and make things as fair as possible, but I guess it's a lesson in life to know this can't always be the case.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/09/2023 12:49

Your husband's right OP. Things are as they are. You can't make it fair on all of them, they don't have the same dad and there's nothing you can do to change that. YOU keep things equal if you're thinking of favouring the others will wise. What goes on with your first and his bio dad is nothing to do with you.

It's fine to feel emotions. Just keep them to yourself

outsurance · 10/09/2023 12:54

Next of kin doesn't mean anything except in mental health legislation where it's called the nearest relative and there's a hierarchy.

You can't stop your ex leaving his estate to your DS - and why would you want to stop him doing that?

Original poster
janeaustensstuntdouble · 10/09/2023 12:56

I should also add that there was never ever any question of us dividing our wills unequally, whatever happens (and I'm aware could be long dead anyway). As I said, it was more of a feelings question really, but in hindsight - and seeing it written down and the answers here - it does seem an odd thing to worry about.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 10/09/2023 12:58

You and your DH have done an admirable job of raising a blended family that sounds happy and healthy.

All things aren't the same for the children and that's the reality of their circumstances.

Yours and your DH's decisions are totally separate to your son's father and have no impact on yours and your DH's decisions regarding fairness in your family unit.

Bearonthestair · 10/09/2023 13:00

Will you feel its unfair if one son becomes very wealthy and the others do not through success or marriage? Where does the fairness stop with adult children? It's a very strange mentality.
Inheritance is never a given. I could die before my mother. What use is it then. Focus on the here and now.

Movingandlooking · 10/09/2023 13:01

Literally nothing to do with anyone but ds and his Dad.

You can't tell him to not leave anything to ds as its not fair to.other kids and you can't ask him to split it between your dcs as they aren't anything to do with him.

It's a good thing if he leaves estate to DS especially as he hasn't been a present kf financial stable input.

I wouldn't give it another moments thought and hope ds will benefit from him in the future

Shinyandnew1 · 10/09/2023 13:07

He might not even have an ‘estate’! He might have no house, no money and just debts.

Redglitter · 10/09/2023 13:07

You feel its not fair your son should benefit financially from his Dad. Why not? Your other children have benefitted from living with & being brought up by their 2 parents

Honestly though your ex is in his 50s why are you thinking so much about something that might not happen for another 30 years. God knows where you & your family will be at that point

itsgettingweird · 10/09/2023 13:08

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/09/2023 12:38

But things aren't equal between your three children. Two have their biological father as a resident parent, and one has been rejected by their biological father. If your ex has not had any other children and has never married then your son will automatically inherit everything if there is no will. It's not his fault, it's just the way it is. The thing is, this idea of keeping things fair isn't necessarily the best thing anyway. Children have different needs, and sometimes one will need more support than the others. Things being fair or equal doesn't mean things being the same.

This.

I think the fact you keep saying "tried really hard to keep things fair" shows that deep down you know they cannot ever be. However wonderfully your DH was a dad to ds he was still abandoned by his biological father.

Fwiw I know someone who walked away from a late teen pregnancy. He regretted it but couldn't change things as was too immature to do so and she was rightfully furious with him. Once he'd matured enough to step up and have the courage to do so the mum had met someone else. It killed him to walk away again but he knew the step dad could provide security and felt it wrong to interfere in his kids settled life.

He worked his whole life into an early grave to make a decent inheritance to give his kid. He never stopped feeling guilty and said he got what he deserved but his child didn't. He also left a not insignificant amount to the mum and stepdad with a letter saying he could never undo his wrongs or show his gratitude for them for raising his child amazingly but could ensure their retirement was one they'd earned and deserved.

He didn't leave anything to the half siblings. But I guess their parents could do what they wanted with what he left them.

You have to allow whatever his biological father decides to be between them. Abandonment is a complex thing to navigate for all involved.

blendedfamly · 10/09/2023 13:12

I thought you were going to ask will dc be responsible for funeral arrangements etc. but your worried he might 'bonus ' an inheritance from his dad? I'd say the money would be well deserved for having a shit dad. One of your other children might 'bonus' by marrying a millionaire. Or win the lottery or one might end up losing a load of money and be bankrupt. There are so many scenarios but the fact is it's highly unlikely all of your children will be of equal financial status when u die. The fact is do you want to treat them equally or not? It would be reasonable for your dh to leave his half to your joint children but really to be fair yours should split across all kids. I'm f you don't have a will that is what would happen

Shinyandnew1 · 10/09/2023 13:16

You can’t just make things ‘fair’-two of your kids grew up with their dad, but one didn’t-that’s not fair.

What if one of your kids gets a really well paid job/marries a billionaire/ gets hurt in an accident. How could you make that fair for the others? I think you need to be realistic.

Next of kin could just mean he gets a phone call if his dad is in an accident.