DS 'next of kin'?

[janeaustensstuntdouble]

Bit of backstory, sorry for length: DS1(30)'s bio father left when he was a baby. It was an unplanned pregnancy and he basically couldn't cope with the commitment. A year later I met my DH, who has been dad ever since. We had two more DCs and have always treated all three entirely equally. Ex drifted in and out (mostly out) for a few years, has never paid a penny in any support, and then we lost contact for quite a while (I discovered he was living abroad, but has since moved back). For the last ten years we've been amicably in touch via social media, have spoken on the phone once and messaged a few times; same with him and DS - they've spoken and messaged but not met face to face since DS was a child. DS doesn't seem particularly bothered - he has his own very busy life, Ex lives a very long way from him, and myself, DH, and the other DCs are his family.

However, Ex did mention briefly at one point that DS was his 'next of kin'. I didn't pursue it with him at the time, but I think this would be correct as he had no further children and has been single for a number of years. He has one other sibling and some nieces/nephews, but that's it. I mentioned this to DS, but we are unsure of what that might mean in a practical sense, and neither of us feels particularly comfortable to ask Ex any more about it.

Also, I do wonder if this means Ex plans to leave his estate to DS, or if this would automatically happen anyway? If this is the case (and here's where I'm probably BU) I can't help feeling that would somehow be unfair on our other DCs after we've strived so hard to keep everything equal between them. In mine and DH's wills we have split everything exactly equally between all three. It doesn't seem fair if DS1 then might inherit a load from another 'dad' who was never in the picture.

DH thinks it's not our business and says if that happens, it is what it is. Also, there's a lot of 'ifs' involved - Ex might meet someone else (he's late 50s) and we know nothing of his business or finances, etc etc. I'm sure he's right, and know life isn't always fair and equal and all our DCs are making their own way in the world now, but still, I wonder if IAB entirely U to feel this way?

Also, can anyone shed light on what 'next of kin' might actually mean for DS?

https://www.churchers.co.uk/churchers-news/myths-of-next-of-kin/

Regarding inheritance, you are being unreasonable. However much you believe you have kept things equal, they are not equal. Life is not equal. One of your children may or may not inherit something from their biological father. One of your children may win the lottery one day. One may get a job that pays significantly more than another. One may marry someone much wealthier than another. And so on. You can raise them however you want. But you cannot control what happens in their life.

This is exactly what happened to me when my uncle named me. The hospital phoned me to ask permission to turn off his life support.

Treating your children equally means that you, their parents, treat them equally. Damage is done when you give on Dc a big house deposit and not the other. Etc, all the things we see causing upset on MN threads.

Beyond that it is a lottery for all. One of your Dc might land a top paying job / one might have to downsize following divorce, one might win £1m on Premium Bonds, one might become ill.

If one gets an inheritance from a bio relative, just another source of luck.

Otherwise your Dc could possibly be called upon to make a decision in an end of life situation, but they can’t be forced to accept any duties or responsibilities they don’t with to take on or carry out.

If this man dies intestate and doesn’t own a house with a partner or have other kids etc yes your DC would inherit a chunk

But he could marry, have kids, need everything he’s got for a care home, anything could happen.

No point in you thinking about it.

If his biological father names him as next of kin on his medical records he will be contacted if his father becomes ill. If his father is in hospital and requires social care and support on discharge your son would also be contacted about that situation.

On the topic of inheritance, the next of kin thing is a red herring.

Your ex could have written a will leaving everything to your son, or the cats home, and that would be unaffected by the next of kin thing.

If he dies without having made a valid will it would follow the laws of intestacy.

Of course he could die with very little to his name - especially if there was no home ownership and / or a lengthy stay in a care home.

This is exactly what happened to me when my uncle named me. The hospital phoned me to ask permission to turn off his life support

Medics may ask any named next of kin their OPINION on what they think the person's wishes may have been, but it should be made 100% clear that the next of kin is not and should not be the decision-maker.

The law is very clear:

https://healthtalk.org/intensive-care-experiences-family-friends/end-of-life-decisions#:~:text=Even%20if%20someone%20is%20'next,give%20a%20relative%20such%20powers.

I'm an over thinker too so I get it. Yanbu to think about it but ypu're wasting your energy worrying about it.

Thanks, yes - I am an over thinker! And I do realise that this hypothetical situation is not something I have (or would want) any control over.

To be honest, it's been a relief to have it confirmed that I am BU, although it has made me realise I've been naive and simplistic about certain things. It's always good to reflect on your feelings, even when you're wrong.

I think your DH is right. This is something that you cannot control or influence.

Plus, your DS is 30 now. Very definitely an adult and harsh as it may seem, the time when you held much influence has gone. Whatever happens between him and his biological father is just that - between the two of them. The best thing you can do is stay out of it. They are under no obligation to share the information with anyone else anyway, including you.

I'm not saying this to sound nasty. I get that you want to treat all of your (now adult) children equally and I think that is great. You can do that only by dividing your own assets up equally in your wills as that is what you have to work with. Remember that although you brought your three children up all together, the circumstances surrounding your eldest DS are and will remain somewhat different. Presumably they all know and can understand that.

Do you actually know what sort of an estate your ex actually has anyway? He could be a billionaire or a pauper, or anything in-between. Not that I think it is a question you should be asking.

The chances are his father will live another 30 years or so.

Who knows what life will look like when your Ds is 60. When he may be more or less in contact with his father.

It sounds like just a comment that your ex made. An observation. Your Ds doesn’t need to ask him more about it, and you certainly don’t.

Sleeping dogs.