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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Encouraging my brother to disclose his diagnosis

54 replies

SugarPosy · 09/09/2023 20:27

This could be a long and perhaps upsetting post so sorry in advance, also I'm sorry if it sounds like I am bragging about my niece as I have been told in the past I do that!!

For background, I have one brother, he has one daughter, she is 18. He and his wife struggled to have children in their late 20s despite fertility treatment. They gave up, went to teach abroad (were both teachers) and somehow ended up pregnant, they were over the moon with their daughter. Sadly 7 years ago, my sister-in-law passed away, she battled cancer for over two years (breast cancer which spread) but passed despite putting one of the strongest and bravest fights I'd ever seen, just a few days before her daughters 11th birthday.
My brother has put his all into raising his daughter, she is smart, beautiful, kind, loving, funny and talented all rolled into one. Truly a young woman to be proud of despite everything thrown at her. Her mums family live in Norway, so she has little to do with them. My mum passed away 2 years ago which was a terrible loss for us all. Really myself, my husband, my two boys, my brother, my niece and my dad function like one big core family split between 3 houses.
My niece is leaving for uni, she paid for an early check-in at her accommodation for Tuesday as she already has a job lined up and is so excited. She worked so hard for this and I couldn't be more excited for her if I tried!!

To the point, today my brother informed that he has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour. He kept any suspicions about this to himself. Luckily they believe it is treatable, surgery, chemo and potentially radiotherapy, so certainly not an easy journey ahead. He said he would have waited until niece had left for uni to tell anyone, but wants me to drive her on Tuesday as he has been having vision problems and doesn't feel comfortable making the 6+ hour drive, He is going to tell her he can't get out of work, but really he has already told work he needs time out sick.
He doesn't want to tell his daughter, he thinks it will make her rethink going to uni or certainly one so far away and he doesn't want her to throw away the amazing opportunity she has created for herself. He feels bad that so much of her childhood was spent caring for sick parents (her mums cancer, he has arthritis which at times had him bed bound, her mum had various surgeries before cancer diagnosis, from a stomach ulcer to hernia and more). He is adamant she will not give up her young adult years to care for him. He has said he will tell her once he has had the surgery, as he thinks that will be the part which scares her the most.
I now only work on Monday and Friday so can do a fair amount of caring for my brother and in reality I could give this up if need be, we are mortgage free and comfortable so I do it more for my sanity than money. My brother is also mortgage free, has some savings from his late wives estate etc. so financially there are few concerns. This means during chemo and radiotherapy he could brand it to her as I'm looking after him, she just needs to do what makes her happy and not stress.
I'm beyond devastated and as much as it really isn't my place, my niece is like a daughter to me and I'm thinking she should be told. Maybe deferring for a year if she feels it would be necessary would be good for her and if not at least she got to make the choice, not have it made for her.

I know it isn't my decision to make and will absolutely support my brother no matter what, but would it be unreasonable of me to encourage my brother to reconsider telling his daughter before she moves away for uni?

OP posts:

bluebellmountain · 09/09/2023 20:34

I think I would do the same as your brother if this was me, she's already lost her Mum, she'll be terrified of loosing her Dad too. I wouldn't tell her until I knew exactly what it meant and what the impact was.

Randomness12 · 09/09/2023 20:35

I think your final paragraph is correct - this is not your decision to make. Is it the decision you or I would make, maybe not. But it's not our diagnosis or our daughter. You need to support your brother, help your niece get settled in and then deal with the fall out when he does tell her. Don't spend the next few weeks making him feel guilty - he needs to focus on getting through.

I am so sorry for your family history, it sounds like it has been unimaginable. I hope you have some support irl too? You talk about supporting everyone but you, that's important too.

MoxieFox · 09/09/2023 20:36

I don’t think it is fair to pressure your brother to tell his daughter when he is dealing with so much already. It really isn’t your decision or your choice or even your mistake to make. It is his.

The most I would do is request that he write his daughter a letter or record a video prior to the surgery just in case the surgery doesn’t go to plan explaining that it was his wish to not tell her about the tumour or the surgery beforehand. To get his affairs in order so to speak.

Iwontbecomeher · 09/09/2023 20:37

I think your brother is being very selfless and thinking of his DD. It’s his decision and for what it’s worth I think/hope I’d do the same in his position x

PoachedDregs · 09/09/2023 20:37

Sorry to hear about your brother. I agree with others, I don't think you should try to make him change his mind. Just be there for him, and his daughter, as best you can. But support his choices. Wishing you all the best.

User8743 · 09/09/2023 20:37

You have to respect his choice. Your niece is starting a new chapter in life, and he doesn't want to ruin it.
Give him the time to do it when he feels it is right, especially if the mum already had cancer.
Cancer sucks.

JaiynDough · 09/09/2023 20:38

Yes, it's not your decision and he's f
doing the right thing if he thinks she will give up uni if she is told now.

Ohthatsabitshit · 09/09/2023 20:42

The kindest and best thing to do is to let him be the expert in his own life. Don’t be a doubter it won’t help and may very well make things harder. I so hope I would do the same for mine.

MysteriousShopper · 09/09/2023 20:48

Support your brother in this and be there for your niece in the future.

Retrievemysanity · 09/09/2023 20:49

Well I agree with you, I think he should tell her. I can’t stand secrets, even when kept with the best of intentions. It makes you question everything when you find out and it’s hard to trust that person again as you wonder what else they’re keeping from you. That being said, I agree with pp’s that unfortunately, it’s not your place to say. It’s your brother’s decision. I hope all goes well with the surgery.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/09/2023 20:57

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I can understand where he is coming from but as someone who has been in your niece's position.......the one thing you can never get back is time. The biggest regret in my life is not spending enough time with loved ones. I feel robbed and resent the fact that information was kept from me.

A degree means nothing in comparison to priceless memories.

dearanon · 09/09/2023 21:04

He should tell her

tt9 · 09/09/2023 21:09

while I agree that with PP that it's ultimately you'd brother's decision - the best decision is to tell her. if something goes wrong and these are indeed the final years of his life/ he loses brain function and is not the same- she should be given the chance to spend as much time as she wants with him. she is young and will hopefully bounce back. but losing the only remaining parent without being allowed to prepare for it will be very hard to recover from. fingers crossed your brother makes an uneventful complete recovery, but best to be prepared.

Hairballing · 09/09/2023 21:21

Your brother should let his DD decide what to do.

RandomMess · 09/09/2023 21:25

I think he should tell because keeping secrets will destroy her trust in him and the wider family.

If he gets very sick she will find out and may end up leaving part way through which would be worse than her delaying going.

You need to speak to your DB about the damage of keeping secrets.

YorkiesForAll · 09/09/2023 21:27

So sorry that you are all going through this. Speaking as someone who has been in a compatible situation to your niece’s, he should tell her. If not, after she finds out she will always worry that he could be hiding something else major and putting on a brave face. I completely understand where he is coming from but trust and honesty is important.

Calmdown14 · 09/09/2023 21:35

If he does tell her and she decides to go to uni as planned, encourage her to contact her student support team from the beginning.

They don't necessarily need to do anything at this stage but if his operation falls on an essay deadline or an exam, or she just needs extra support, it is all already in place which makes it much easier to deal with at the most stressful time.

Ivebeentogeorgia · 09/09/2023 21:39

I would do exactly the same as your brother. You need to respect his choice

SeenYourArse · 09/09/2023 21:41

Absolutely don’t tell her, it will completely ruin and tarnish her experience of Uni, she’s been through enough let her enjoy the next couple of months wait until she has to know. The longer time she gets to enjoy a normal uni experience the better she deserves it.

LizardLizard · 09/09/2023 21:42

Honestly, in these circumstances I’d do the same as your brother and keep it to myself. That said, I think that just reflects me generally - if I was seriously unwell I’d keep pretty much to myself until I absolutely had to say something, with the odd exception. It’s ultimately up your brother.

chopc · 09/09/2023 21:48

I am in my late forties. I look back at life and realised it isn't a race. Why was I in such a very to finish all my training, exams , have kids etc?

Your niece's opportunities in going to Uni is not something that cannot come round again. Her time with her father could possibly be limited.

If you were in your niece's shoes - would you want to know?

If it was me- I would absolutely want to know and spend as much time with my father as possible. Having lost my father - I am still resentful of my stressful job which prevented me spending more time with him

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 21:50

I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I agree with you that it’s not your place to make this decision.

And I’m sorry - I understand you are devastated by this news - but I also think you should ask Mumsnet HQ to remove this thread. You have put so many identifying details on here about your niece and your brother that they are easily identifiable, and I think you need to protect their privacy and your brother’s wish for his illness to remain confidential.

None if it is easy, but please support him how he wishes to be supported.

I hope everything works out well for your brother and niece.

Thatsmorethanhalf · 09/09/2023 21:51

Do you think you might be giving too much identifiable personal information about the people involved here OP?

Frazzledatfifty · 09/09/2023 21:55

I am so sorry to hear about your brothers diagnosis. Whilst it is obviously up to him what and when he tells his daughter, you obviously all work together as a family unit and he values (and needs) your advice and help. You should tell him how you feel about him telling your niece that he is ill. And for what it’s worth - I agree with you… she should be told… keeping secrets, even with the very best intentions (and having lost her Mum)… often causes many problems down the line. Hopefully she can be persuaded to still go to uni, but if she feels she wants to defer for a year to be close to her Dad while he is ill that is surely that’s up to her. I wish your brother a speedy recovery…

Purplesheep2023 · 09/09/2023 21:58

OP - this is off topic and I mean this in the kindest way but he MUST not drive and must inform the dvla of his diagnosis straight away and surrender his license. Him not feeling comfortable to drive is besides the point - visual issues are one thing but he is vulnerable to seizures/loss of consciousness too with an untreated brain tumour.
im very sorry to hear about such a tricky situation

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