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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go abroad for a week with work?

72 replies

xxxx1994 · 09/09/2023 14:12

Hi everyone
I'm looking for opinions on this situation as I suspect I could be being unreasonable.

I gave birth 11 weeks ago to my first child. I've been with DH for 3.5 years and he has a child from a previously relationship, 15. He didn't take the news of the pregnancy well as he was DH’s only child for 15 years but he's come around.

His mum moved to France with her new DP and his children and didn't take him due to school, but if I was in that situation I still would've given him a choice. He lives with us which is an adjustment for all of us even though we got on very well previously.

He's been having some behavioural issues recently which is understandable but it's a struggle. He blames me for being with his dad as if he was still with his mum, they both would've gone to France with her.

DH is due to go abroad for work in 3 weeks, he could stay home and have meetings on zoom as he did just after DD was born and when he had covid. I don't want him to go, I'll be here with both children and ill have to make sure SS is doing what he needs to be doing when he doesn't always listen to me, whilst I also will have to sort DD out.

DH and SS are due to go on holiday in October half term, me and DD aren't going so I'll be alone with her again but she’ll be a bit older then and I'll only have her to look after.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jibo · 09/09/2023 14:13

Is there any potential for this week to be an opportunity for you to improve your relationship with DSS and for him to bond with his baby sister?

Fallulah · 09/09/2023 14:17

I was prepared to say you were being unreasonable if it was just you and the baby but when you gave the context of the step son it became less clear cut.

Could he go for a shorter amount of time this time and see how you get on? Then build it up next time if all goes well?

Wiii · 09/09/2023 14:26

Did his dad leave for you then?

yogasaurus · 09/09/2023 14:35

What kind of behavioural issues?

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2023 14:36

I know you said SS didn't move to France because of school but was that his decision as well? Could he not go and visit his mum for that week (presumably that would interrupt school as well though).
If DH can comfortably work from home instead of going away, I'd be telling him that.

mbosnz · 09/09/2023 14:40

At 15, and in the kind of emotional upheaval and turmoil DSS must be in, I don't think there is any way that you could, or should, be held responsible for him doing what he ought to do while his father is away. I feel for that boy.

Also, you are also going to be necessarily and rightly, focussed on your newborn.

If DH would postpone, I really think he should. If he can't, I think he's got to accept the challenges and limitations of the situation for the three of you left behind, and be prepared for things to be less than ideal.

roarrfeckingroar · 09/09/2023 14:43

Can he go stay with his mum?

He's not your responsibility but I wouldn't say one baby and a 15 year old is a huge burden for just a week. Your baby will still be in the sleepy stage at 14 weeks and a 15 year old - even one with a shitty attitude - doesn't need much day to day looking after.

WallaceinAnderland · 09/09/2023 14:44

He blames me for being with his dad as if he was still with his mum, they both would've gone to France with her.

Why does he think this. Did his dad leave his mum for you?

GCWorkNightmare · 09/09/2023 14:46

DH worked away for 5.5 days every week from when DD was 4 weeks to when she was 18 months old. There wasn’t a SS situation to consider, but I’m not sure how hard it can be really.

Maddy70 · 09/09/2023 14:48

Work has to come first realistically. Just because people did zoom meetings during covid doesn't mean that's the way it is now. Your baby is 3 months old. Not a new born. You know what you're doing now

The issue is your step som. I would use this to build a better relationship with him. Tell him you're going to struggle and ask for his help

Have a nice takeaway/movie night of his choice etc nothing too pressured

Maddy70 · 09/09/2023 14:49

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2023 14:36

I know you said SS didn't move to France because of school but was that his decision as well? Could he not go and visit his mum for that week (presumably that would interrupt school as well though).
If DH can comfortably work from home instead of going away, I'd be telling him that.

He can't have a week off in a gcse year no school will allow that

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2023 14:53

Ahh that's a very good point @Maddy70

I imagine that's why he's stayed put for now. Although OP said he blames her for being with his dad because otherwise they'd have moved too.

midgemadgemodge · 09/09/2023 14:55

The 15 year old - poor child - I don't think dad should leave him for 3 weeks , it will likely feel like personal rejection

And dad travelling when mum is also travelling- he will feel very left out

Dad has responsibilities to the child - you and baby could manage but the 15 year old will feel like a spare part

CwmYoy · 09/09/2023 15:03

He isn't your responsibility. Either dad doesn't go or he goes to his mother.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 15:05

Fallulah · 09/09/2023 14:17

I was prepared to say you were being unreasonable if it was just you and the baby but when you gave the context of the step son it became less clear cut.

Could he go for a shorter amount of time this time and see how you get on? Then build it up next time if all goes well?

I agree with this.

If DSS behaviour is bad and he doesn’t listen to you then I completely see where you’re coming from.

As a PP said could DSS go and visit his mum for the week.

Or could you not all go to where DH is working and have a little holiday and then DH can be there with you all in the evenings.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 15:06

GCWorkNightmare · 09/09/2023 14:46

DH worked away for 5.5 days every week from when DD was 4 weeks to when she was 18 months old. There wasn’t a SS situation to consider, but I’m not sure how hard it can be really.

I think coping with the baby is fine but it depends how difficult DSS’s behaviour is.

boomtickhouse · 09/09/2023 15:07

CwmYoy · 09/09/2023 15:03

He isn't your responsibility. Either dad doesn't go or he goes to his mother.

I agree with this, but it's almost certainly the cause of his behaviour issues.

His side of the story is that he's been abandoned by his mother going to play happy families in France without him. Forces to move in with his dad & step mum who's attention is all on their own new baby. The his dad disappears for a week and leaves him with step mum & new baby who clearly don't want him around.

Not blaming you for any of this Op, but it's a shit situation for the kid.

BackToOklahoma · 09/09/2023 15:09

Your husband needs to make arrangements for his son if he wants to go away for work. As his son is struggling at the moment, if he can avoid going away for work, he should.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2023 15:11

Yeah your DH definitely shouldn’t go. This is not the time for him to be going away from his DS - for the DS’s sake primary- with his Mum having gone abroad.

Sounds like DS wants to go to France too - is that an option once he’s done GCSEs?

If he can do the meetings via Teams he should be doing that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2023 15:12

boomtickhouse · 09/09/2023 15:07

I agree with this, but it's almost certainly the cause of his behaviour issues.

His side of the story is that he's been abandoned by his mother going to play happy families in France without him. Forces to move in with his dad & step mum who's attention is all on their own new baby. The his dad disappears for a week and leaves him with step mum & new baby who clearly don't want him around.

Not blaming you for any of this Op, but it's a shit situation for the kid.

Show quote history

This basically

FawltyTower · 09/09/2023 15:14

I think it depends on the behavioural issues.

If these are slamming doors and huffing and the not listening to you is not putting his laundry in the basket when you ask - you're probably being a little dramatic.

If his behavioural issues are smashing things up and his not listening to you is refusing to stub out his joint when you ask - then that's obviously a whole different matter and dh wouldn't be going full stop.

Original poster
xxxx1994 · 09/09/2023 15:14

SS didn't get a say in whether he wanted to go to France or not. DH didn't leave SS’s mum for me, we got together shortly after they’d told SS they were splitting up. Although they were split up for a while before that.

The main issues are he doesn't listen to me, he goes and stays out until late and then wants food as he hasn't eaten dinner and he's been refusing to go to school and this has been happening for months, he'd much rather be going out and about and causing trouble during the day (DH had a call on Wednesday as he was shoplifting) than going to school. He listens to DH about this occasionally and goes with DH bribing him with buying him things but even that doesn't always work so I don't think he'd listen to me at all.

OP posts:
lostinmymess · 09/09/2023 15:17

It's a week. You are not having a new born. I think YABU. He is not going for a jolly but for work.

WallaceinAnderland · 09/09/2023 15:24

From your update, I would tell DH that if he goes away, you will let your SS do whatever he likes as it's too difficult to try and manage him on your own. So he will not be going to school unless he wants to and he can stay out as long as he wants. Your DH can then make an informed decision.

Spell it out for him.

If he decides to go anyway that is his choice which will confirm to you how little care he has for his own son and go some way to explaining his son's behaviour.

HamstersAreMyLife · 09/09/2023 15:30

If both parents are out of the country who will have PR to make decisions for SS if he's unwell or injured? Normally I would think this is part of what you sign up to as a step parent (ie day to day support if your DH needs to be away when the stepchild is with you) but in your case if you don't have PR for SS I think your DH needs to think about whether he really can work abroad for any period when there is no one around for your SS. If he were to shoplift again there would be questions about who he could be released to etc potentially. I think DH might need to think about whether he needs to take some time off work or consider a different role if he now has full time care for his son.

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