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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to go abroad for a week with work?

72 replies

xxxx1994 · 09/09/2023 14:12

Hi everyone
I'm looking for opinions on this situation as I suspect I could be being unreasonable.

I gave birth 11 weeks ago to my first child. I've been with DH for 3.5 years and he has a child from a previously relationship, 15. He didn't take the news of the pregnancy well as he was DH’s only child for 15 years but he's come around.

His mum moved to France with her new DP and his children and didn't take him due to school, but if I was in that situation I still would've given him a choice. He lives with us which is an adjustment for all of us even though we got on very well previously.

He's been having some behavioural issues recently which is understandable but it's a struggle. He blames me for being with his dad as if he was still with his mum, they both would've gone to France with her.

DH is due to go abroad for work in 3 weeks, he could stay home and have meetings on zoom as he did just after DD was born and when he had covid. I don't want him to go, I'll be here with both children and ill have to make sure SS is doing what he needs to be doing when he doesn't always listen to me, whilst I also will have to sort DD out.

DH and SS are due to go on holiday in October half term, me and DD aren't going so I'll be alone with her again but she’ll be a bit older then and I'll only have her to look after.

AIBU?

OP posts:

BackToOklahoma · 09/09/2023 16:40

I think posters suggesting ops DH doesn't travel are rather naive. If travel is expected as part of his role he needs to go - if him travelling for work doesn't work for the family he needs to find a new job that includes no travel. Staying in his current job and refusing to travel isn't going to work

OP says he could stay home so I’m presuming it’s a real option. Sometimes my partner travels for work but he does have the option to stay home and do meetings using teams or similar, if absolutely necessary. He has done so when family has needed to be a priority.

Original poster

xxxx1994 · 09/09/2023 16:40

As I said in my OP, DH will be able to join the meetings via zoom, he did this after DD was born and when he was unwell with covid very recently.

I would probably have to do the school run as sometimes he decides to go to school but ‘can't find’ his bus pass.

I'd also more than likely to be woken up to make him food when he got in as he goes out before dinner, doesn't tell us where he's going and doesn't reply to DH asking when he'll be home. I was woken up at almost 1am last night to SS shouting at DH as DH had said he wasn't making him any food. SS told DH he'd break DH’s phone if he didn't, DH ignored him but eventually gave in and let him cook a pizza.

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 09/09/2023 16:41

Your DH is a single parent to his son so work should make the necessary adjustments. They cannot expect him to go away for a week and leave the child with no parent in the country.

I think you have a DH problem rather than a SS problem. He is just not prioritising the wellbeing of his child who already, understandably, has some abandonment issues.

butterpuffed · 09/09/2023 16:42

Your DH's ex decided not to take her son because of school . However, he is skipping school .
Is it possible that he thinks his mother will take him back if he doesn't attend school ?

yogasaurus · 09/09/2023 16:42

xxxx1994 · 09/09/2023 16:40

As I said in my OP, DH will be able to join the meetings via zoom, he did this after DD was born and when he was unwell with covid very recently.

I would probably have to do the school run as sometimes he decides to go to school but ‘can't find’ his bus pass.

If he can genuinely just work from home, then he should do that. No way should you be left alone with this behaviour.

Does he just want a nice quiet break?!

BackToOklahoma · 09/09/2023 16:43

With what you’re describing, if your husband really thinks it’s appropriate to leave his son with you, I’d be giving serious though to your relationship with your husband. It shows a lack of care for his son, you and your younger child.

BackToOklahoma · 09/09/2023 16:44

*thought

JMSA · 09/09/2023 16:44

Poor boy

ChoresSuck · 09/09/2023 16:46

What is the situation with DH work? I get that he managed to not go abroad and used Zoom both when you'd just given birth and when he had Covid. In reality how many times is his place of work going to allow him not to travel? Is it compulsory?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2023 16:54

GCWorkNightmare · 09/09/2023 14:46

DH worked away for 5.5 days every week from when DD was 4 weeks to when she was 18 months old. There wasn’t a SS situation to consider, but I’m not sure how hard it can be really.

Well exactly, you weren't caring for someone else's moody teenager, someone who resents you and won't listen to you. So of course you don't understand how hard it can be.

Wellhellother · 09/09/2023 17:13

As I said in my OP, DH will be able to join the meetings via zoom, he did this after DD was born and when he was unwell with covid very recently

But do you not see that there is a big difference (in the eyes of his employer) between someone Ill with covid and someone in this situation. I suspect it was a case of good will go let him stay home when you had a newborn. It doesn't always work anywhere near as well as being in person

Original poster

xxxx1994 · 09/09/2023 17:14

It wouldn't be possible for SS to go with DH as he will be in meetings most of the day, I can't go either as DD hasn't got a passport.

It isn't compulsory for him to go.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2023 17:18

He needs to stay home and parent his teen, who is on a path of destruction. He needs to get support in place for his son. You both need parenting strategies and what to do if he threatens violence.

BackToOklahoma · 09/09/2023 17:22

DH worked away for 5.5 days every week from when DD was 4 weeks to when she was 18 months old. There wasn’t a SS situation to consider, but I’m not sure how hard it can be really.

So nothing like OPs situation at all. 🙄 Come back when you’ve actually thought about the situation properly.

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 17:25

I feel sorry for you and your 15 ss op. You’ve both been put in an awkward situation by the boy’s parents. I shouldn’t judge as I don’t know the circumstances, but it’s not on imho to move to another country and leave your fifteen year old behind. And your dh should not be leaving his son who is obviously distressed, or you with a new baby.

JonesCasey · 09/09/2023 17:34

Can't your step-son go and stay with his mum for the week?

boomtickhouse · 09/09/2023 17:46

xxxx1994 · 09/09/2023 15:14

SS didn't get a say in whether he wanted to go to France or not. DH didn't leave SS’s mum for me, we got together shortly after they’d told SS they were splitting up. Although they were split up for a while before that.

The main issues are he doesn't listen to me, he goes and stays out until late and then wants food as he hasn't eaten dinner and he's been refusing to go to school and this has been happening for months, he'd much rather be going out and about and causing trouble during the day (DH had a call on Wednesday as he was shoplifting) than going to school. He listens to DH about this occasionally and goes with DH bribing him with buying him things but even that doesn't always work so I don't think he'd listen to me at all.

All of this behaviour looks like a clear cry for attention. He's too young to be left to go feral by his parents.

Your DH has some big decisions to make here. He could throw himself into parenting for the next 2-3 years - full on family therapy regarding abandonment issues, love bombing, literally being the most present and supportive Dad on the planet. If he does that, the 15 year olds life chances are fair - he can feel secure, valued, loved, turn his behaviour around and get some decent qualifications.

OR DH continues as it is. Working hard, travelling away, telling himself 15yos shouldn't be so needy. That his son is troubled but it will magically work out ok when he grows up. leaving day to day household life to his new wife & baby. That's the easy option but it will almost certainly lead to a spiral of DS behaviour into poor educational outcomes, the wrong crowds, antisocial behaviour and maybe worse.

Original poster

xxxx1994 · 09/09/2023 19:39

SS’s mum said he can visit during the school holidays but he's going away with DH in October and he's already said he doesn't want to visit for Christmas.

OP posts:

maryberryslayers · 09/09/2023 20:01

Tell DH he can't go because you won't take responsibility for his badly behaved teenager. It's completely inappropriate of him to think a woman with a newborn would want to deal with an aggressive teenage male alone in her home.

If he goes anyway make it clear that you and baby dd will be going away for the week. Then go.

His teenager is not your responsibility to get to school, feed or ensure he does what he is supposed to. That's DH's responsibility so he doesn't have the option to swan off to France, particularly if a zoom call would suffice.

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 20:02

Great post boomtickhouse

Merryoldgoat · 09/09/2023 20:08

I agree fully with @boomtickhouse

This 15 year old boy experienced his parents breaking up at a difficult age, he then has to deal with a new sibling, then his mum just opts out of parenting, and then his dad leaves the tough stuff to you.

You husband needs to make sone big changes. That poor boy.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/09/2023 20:13

His dad needs to be home with him and giving him his focus. His mum leaving will have had a huge impact on him.

It’s not fair to leave the parenting to you when he is finding day to day so difficult.

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