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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go abroad for a week with work?

72 replies

xxxx1994 · 09/09/2023 14:12

Hi everyone
I'm looking for opinions on this situation as I suspect I could be being unreasonable.

I gave birth 11 weeks ago to my first child. I've been with DH for 3.5 years and he has a child from a previously relationship, 15. He didn't take the news of the pregnancy well as he was DH’s only child for 15 years but he's come around.

His mum moved to France with her new DP and his children and didn't take him due to school, but if I was in that situation I still would've given him a choice. He lives with us which is an adjustment for all of us even though we got on very well previously.

He's been having some behavioural issues recently which is understandable but it's a struggle. He blames me for being with his dad as if he was still with his mum, they both would've gone to France with her.

DH is due to go abroad for work in 3 weeks, he could stay home and have meetings on zoom as he did just after DD was born and when he had covid. I don't want him to go, I'll be here with both children and ill have to make sure SS is doing what he needs to be doing when he doesn't always listen to me, whilst I also will have to sort DD out.

DH and SS are due to go on holiday in October half term, me and DD aren't going so I'll be alone with her again but she’ll be a bit older then and I'll only have her to look after.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 09/09/2023 15:31

Poor kid.

His dad leaves him, and then almost immediately sets up home with someone else. And then has a new baby, creating a whole new family.

Then just as he is trying to process that situation. His mum.moves countries and leaves him behind.

His behaviour will be as a result of his life experience.

He needs help and love to help him come to terms with the situation.

And he needs to be prioritised.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 15:31

With your update I would tell DH that you cannot cope with him alone.

I do think step parents should take some responsibility for their step children but definitely not when it comes to bad behaviour and if he blames you for his parents separating or mum moving away then you’ll have no chance.

Is he planning on moving in with his mum after his GCSEs?

I feel really sorry for him that his mum has fucked off to another country to play happy families and then his dad has a baby with the woman who he feels is responsible for his mum and dad breaking up.
Its no wonder his behaviour is bad.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 15:31

Dishwashersaurous · 09/09/2023 15:31

Poor kid.

His dad leaves him, and then almost immediately sets up home with someone else. And then has a new baby, creating a whole new family.

Then just as he is trying to process that situation. His mum.moves countries and leaves him behind.

His behaviour will be as a result of his life experience.

He needs help and love to help him come to terms with the situation.

And he needs to be prioritised.

I completely agree.

IsItThough · 09/09/2023 15:35

Does your DH have an actual choice?

If there is no pressure on him to be away in order to keep his job, I'd say YANBU

Not only so much for your benefit, but more for his DS. Who is possibly feeling like shit, his mum and siblings having abandoned him and his dad having a new baby, as his behaviour probably attests. He needs his dad around.

Aprilx · 09/09/2023 15:36

I have worked in large companies for a very long time and travel was quite normal for many people, so I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It is only a week and a 15 year old can largely look after himself. If he doesn't go to school, it isn't your problem to deal with.

Curseofthenation · 09/09/2023 15:45

I agree with the PPs that say you should warn DH that you will not have any capacity to go chasing up or disciplining DSS if he decides to skip school or act out. I'd also tell DH to have some microwave meals in for DSS to heat up when he gets in from his late night sheenanigans.

If DH isn't happy with that, then he needs to stay home. I would stay home if I were him.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 09/09/2023 15:47

It’s all very well saying that the DH can’t go and that he needs to prioritise his son etc, but this is his job and we’re talking three weeks time.

The days of zoom and teams etc have long passed for many companies, and the reality is that if everyone else is there in person, it’s just not possible to have the same kind of engagement on zoom.

On some level I agree that you’re not responsible for your DSS, but ultimately he lives with both of you. It’s just not possible to detach that much when the child is there full-time.

We’re talking a week. And the lad is fifteen. You wouldn’t even be doing school runs etc.

diddl · 09/09/2023 15:51

Did his mum really leave him due to school or because she couldn't cope?

She's actually put someone else's kids above her own?

itsgettingweird · 09/09/2023 15:52

A 15yo should be able to sort everything he needs for school and any clubs etc independently.

You will need to provide food to make breakfasts and lunch or have his account topped up and provide an evening meal.

I get there are issues with behaviour etc. if that's part of the territory with teens and he's likely cross with you as the fable figure because his mums left him and moved abroad. Just take time to allow him to trust you and get over his anger.

Dishwashersaurous · 09/09/2023 15:57

The specific week with work is a separate issue to the overall situation .

Overall the husband needs to massively prioritise his son, and try and help him

For the specific week, depends if it's at all optional whether he attends.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/09/2023 16:00

@xxxx1994 Given the info you've provided and assuming that DH does have the option to not go, I'd do one of two things;

1 - do as PPs have said and inform DH that you will not be exercising ANY control over SS's comings and goings and that SS will be responsible for his own meals, laundry, etc.

2 - make arrangements to pack up baby and be gone 'elsewhere' for the duration, so he'll have to stay home. And frankly, I'd consider whether or not I wanted to be permanently gone since things are NOT going to get better.

I feel for SS, sounds like BOTH parents have abandoned him, each in their own way.

dollymixtureandflyingsaucers · 09/09/2023 16:02

HamstersAreMyLife · 09/09/2023 15:30

If both parents are out of the country who will have PR to make decisions for SS if he's unwell or injured? Normally I would think this is part of what you sign up to as a step parent (ie day to day support if your DH needs to be away when the stepchild is with you) but in your case if you don't have PR for SS I think your DH needs to think about whether he really can work abroad for any period when there is no one around for your SS. If he were to shoplift again there would be questions about who he could be released to etc potentially. I think DH might need to think about whether he needs to take some time off work or consider a different role if he now has full time care for his son.

This is a good point also if anything happens to him where he gets injured it wouldn't be good that both parents were out of the country

Clarie83 · 09/09/2023 16:09

if it was just you and the baby, no issue. However it is unfair to leave you with a resentful teenager, especially at what is a really precious time for you, isn’t fair to have that stress placed on you

BackToOklahoma · 09/09/2023 16:10

Your SS really needs to be prioritised by his dad. His mum has fucked off with a bloke and his kids leaving him behind, having not given him any say in being left by her. Dad is getting on with life with his new wife and baby and work. Poor kid, imagine how he’s feeling. He needs reassurance and stability from his father before he goes too far off the rails. You can hopefully be there as a trusted adult in your SS life but he needs his dad to really step up and that includes not leaving him for a week with you for everyone’s benefit.

nokidshere · 09/09/2023 16:14

do as PPs have said and inform DH that you will not be exercising ANY control over SS's comings and goings and that SS will be responsible for his own meals, laundry, etc.

Why would you do this to a 15yr old who is going through so many changes? His mum dumped him and went to France, his dad is going away with work and his step parent doesn't want to look after him. No wonder he's having some behavioural issues.

Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 09/09/2023 16:20

2 children. Yabu

topcat2014 · 09/09/2023 16:22

What mother moves to a different country from her young teen?

That boy will be traumatised for life, however hard you try OP

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 09/09/2023 16:24

No. DH needs to stay home and help his son with his emotional and behavioural issues. He'll have plenty of time to regret any decision not to, that's for sure.

Truemilk · 09/09/2023 16:24

How does your dh expect you to cope with your stepson's behaviour when he's away? Have you talked about it with him.

LilyLemonade · 09/09/2023 16:25

I don’t think work comes first in this situation; it’s quite specific and quite delicate. The SS has effectively been abandoned by the mother; he needs to be very visibly prioritised and given a lot of love and attention. By the dad. If dad absolutely must go he should help prepare the week eg make sure SS has everything he needs for the week, do a big shop or prepare some family meals beforehand, and then call the SS every day.

But I think he should certainly try to stay at home.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/09/2023 16:26

I think, given the background, that DSS is very likely to play up whilst DH is away, so the question of what happens and who will be responsible when he does, is not just theoretical.
DH can't just put that on OP without her agreement. DSS is going to be resentful, and if no one in the country has parental responsibility, there are going to be problems.
OP, what does DSS say about it all? I think it needs to be spelled out that either he steps up while DH is away, or he goes to his Mum's ( not a great solution if it means missing school) or DH doesn't go on his trip, which has an impact on his work and earning capacity. I think there needs to be a full and frank discussion with DSS, acknowledging that he had had a very difficult time and that everyone wants a solution that will work for him, and that DH will cancel the trip if DSS needs him to. Just making that offer might reassure him that he is high on DH's list of priorities.

Wellhellother · 09/09/2023 16:29

I think posters suggesting ops DH doesn't travel are rather naive. If travel is expected as part of his role he needs to go - if him travelling for work doesn't work for the family he needs to find a new job that includes no travel. Staying in his current job and refusing to travel isn't going to work

LittleRedYarny · 09/09/2023 16:33

That’s quite a lot of behaviour to manage from DSS, some of it with potentially really difficult outcomes if police involved. I wonder if DSS did end up with police engagement while your DH was away would you be getting a visit from social services.

The lad clearly needs some love and support but you are his SM so (in the nicest possible way) not one of the top 2 people he needs to feel this from, but ideally you should be on the list in some way.

As he can’t miss school could his mum come back from France for the week and spend some quality time with him? (Not suggesting you host her and DSS, she can get an Airbnb.)

Whataretheodds · 09/09/2023 16:36

BackToOklahoma · 09/09/2023 15:09

Your husband needs to make arrangements for his son if he wants to go away for work. As his son is struggling at the moment, if he can avoid going away for work, he should.

I agree

saffronsoup · 09/09/2023 16:37

Depends on how optional this travel is. If DH can opt to stay home without consequence, he should. He shouldn't jeopardize his job unless you can all afford to live on your income while he stays home to deal with the kids. Since your step son isn't really attending school anyways, could DH take him with him on this work trip? I don't know what is entails and if that is an option but might be some good bonding time for them and really the only way to not reject the son further.

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