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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wasn't told that my 1 year old had no food

84 replies

KittyKat95 · 08/09/2023 22:01

It was my 12 month old DS's first week at nursery this week and he's been quite unsettled.

When I picked him up today, I was told that he hadn't eaten since 10am (I picked him up at 5). I was really concerned to know that my one year old hadn't eaten for 7 hours.

As soon as he was handed over to me, he was pulling at my clothes wanting breast milk (he doesn't usually have this until 7pm) and becoming quite upset so I quickly went to my car to feed him and went home.

This evening, I'm feeling quite upset that my baby had no food all day and was probably starving and I'm thinking about complaining to the nursery. AIBU to expect that they should contact me in the event that he's not eating, so that I have the opportunity to bring in something that I know he likes? I just think it's crazy to allow a one year to go all day with no food and it makes me really anxious about sending him again next week!

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyKat95 · 08/09/2023 23:08

Waffle19 · 08/09/2023 23:04

Honestly I’m not sure what difference it would have made if they’d have told you earlier in the day? The point of the handover at the end of the day is to discuss things like that. I think it’s very normal behaviour for a new nursery starter. A one year old will be fine without food for a few hours. Obviously not ideal but to be expected and if they were starving they’d have eaten something.

Everyone is saying 'a few hours' but it wasn't a few, it was 7. I doubt most people on here go 7 hours with no food never mind a one year old...

If they had told me earlier, I could have made some suggestions regarding what he could have instead e.g. toast which he loves.

OP posts:
Teder · 08/09/2023 23:08

Just to add, send in a bit of info with food he really likes and food he dislikes and go from there. :)

Rachaelrachael · 08/09/2023 23:10

I would be really annoyed about this OP! I'm surprised at some of these responses. Our nursery (busy bees) update the app throughout the day. On the one occasion my daughter refused to eat the meal, they made her a sandwich and the nursery manager sat with her and had their lunch together.
I would have a chat with them and make your expectations clear. You need to trust your nursery and clear communication is so important!

Bearbookagainandagain · 08/09/2023 23:13

My nursery app works the same way, we get the update in the evenings only so if anything important we discuss it at pick up.
It's fine for a 1 yo not to eat for a day, particularly when settling in a new environment, and it would be highly unusual for a nursery to call you about that if it's just 1 day. I don't think it would cross their mind, and realistically they can't go make a different meal for each kid.

I agree with the PP who said to put milk in his bag (or give them breast milk). That's what we did with my son, and I asked nursery to give him a bottle if he skipped a meal.
You can also see if they would allow you to put snacks in his bag.

reluctantbrit · 08/09/2023 23:13

I doubt they would like parents to come and bring food. This would only cause disruption and also wouldn't help you child to eat as he would know mum comes with a treat.

I would wait and see how it develops. Ask about the food they offer, it can be anything from the way it's tastes to the way it's presented. DD was offered puree spoonfed until I told them that she is able to eat food cut small with a fork and suddenly she ate a lot more.

mynameiscalypso · 08/09/2023 23:13

I think as your child moved towards becoming a toddler, you have to get used to them not eating. They're a bit like squirrels or something - stuff their cheeks for a bit and then ages going without eating. My DS is 4 now but regularly doesn't eat anything for lunch, just has breakfast and dinner. I can serve him his favourite food and he still won't eat it. It's always helpful to look at food intake over a week and not a day. So long as they're weeing okay and there are no concerns about growth, it is just something that happens.

Cm078 · 08/09/2023 23:15

KittyKat95 · 08/09/2023 23:05

Thanks for understanding, I feel like some posters on here have made me feel like I'm being a bit crazy, but it really is hard putting your child in nursery and then the not eating on top of that is just sending me over the edge! I did shed a few tears tonight 😭

Show quote history

I used to stand outside hearing other children's handovers about how they'd eaten everything, and then it was my turn and "he hasn't eaten anything today" every single time. But i didnt blame them, they tried really hard. Just make sure he gets a fair bit before and after. Thats what i did in the end. Took a few months but i did eventually stop worrying, i thought to myself he'd eat it if he was starving. Also contacted health visitor but nothing really they could do about it either. See how it goes, he may eat certain days and not others. With the weather the way its been i expect lots of little ones haven't wanted anything x

crew2022 · 08/09/2023 23:16

I can understand why you're worried and it's so hard when you first leave them. I'm sure he will settle and when he feels more settled will eat more. It's early days. Maybe chat to them in the morning and ask them to try him with a bit of toast if he's not eaten by a certain time?

JMSA · 08/09/2023 23:25

JJJSchmidt · 08/09/2023 22:09

I agree with a pp that you need to set out clear expectations about when you want to be contacted. I couldn't leave work and wouldn't to be worried all day, so would be pissed off if nursery called every time dd was a bit off of her food. Just let them know you want to be called.

I agree with this.

SS1983 · 08/09/2023 23:26

Did they give him milk if he wasn’t eating. My twins didn’t eat when they started either, so I’d asked for a couple milk feeds if they didn’t eat

Waffle19 · 08/09/2023 23:26

KittyKat95 · 08/09/2023 23:08

Everyone is saying 'a few hours' but it wasn't a few, it was 7. I doubt most people on here go 7 hours with no food never mind a one year old...

If they had told me earlier, I could have made some suggestions regarding what he could have instead e.g. toast which he loves.

Show quote history

But one year olds have quite small stomachs still? So if anything it’s easier for them to go without food than someone with a bigger stomach. Plus it’s super hot which I think naturally makes a lot of people less hungry.

Did nursery say he was happy and settled? That’s more important I’d say.

I was with my 18mo nephew earlier this week and he ate about two grapes and a slice of ham all day. Other days he will demolish several meals and snacks. Sometimes people just don’t want to eat and something big like starting nursery is bound to send the appetite off a bit. Just keep discussing it at handover time and see how it goes, it’s very early days still

Waffle19 · 08/09/2023 23:28

mynameiscalypso · 08/09/2023 23:13

I think as your child moved towards becoming a toddler, you have to get used to them not eating. They're a bit like squirrels or something - stuff their cheeks for a bit and then ages going without eating. My DS is 4 now but regularly doesn't eat anything for lunch, just has breakfast and dinner. I can serve him his favourite food and he still won't eat it. It's always helpful to look at food intake over a week and not a day. So long as they're weeing okay and there are no concerns about growth, it is just something that happens.

This is excellent advice.

CClaire · 08/09/2023 23:35

I understand why you feel upset but realistically they can’t be making the children all their own foods. I would’ve appreciated a courtesy call so I could collect him early but in the long run I t’s probably better that he soldiers on (no toast pun intended). I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up eating better there than at home before long once he realises they don’t care whether he eats or not!

Yellowlegobrick · 08/09/2023 23:41

Most people are paying for childcare because they need someone else to be fully responsible for the child while they go to work - including trusting the carer to feed them. Many parents wouldn't be able to drop what they were doing to go offer food and would be irritated at being given stress inducing info they cannot do anything with.

Often you could send their favourite food & they still may not eat it in a new setting.

FuckingAnnoyed · 08/09/2023 23:55

When my dd started nursery she was really unsettled. If she refused to eat they would always try different things and they'd try things like feeding her in her buggy to see if something familiar would help. If they had no joy they called me and I had to collect her early as they didn't think it was right for her to go without all day. It was a pain but I agreed with them. She continued to be unsettled for sometime but her eating improved really quickly.

RugglesB · 09/09/2023 00:03

It's not ok and your gut is right. Is a nanny or childminder possible. Poor little guy thats fairly awful. He was clearly too stressed to eat.

Bouncyball23 · 09/09/2023 00:16

Lots of our new starters refuse food for the first week or 2 we can't force them to eat! Once they settle and adjust to the new routine they start eating.

smilesup · 09/09/2023 00:27

2chocolateoranges · 08/09/2023 22:07

We have a few children at our nursery who don’t eat during the day.

we offer breakfast, lunch , snack and a 5pm snack. With water being out all day.

until some children feel comfortable in nursery they don’t eat or drink like they normally would, we have one child who has one slice of bread at lunchtime and that’s it.

we can’t force feed children and food is offered throughout the day,
most parents do bring snacks to nursery with them to pick children up whether it’s fruit or crackers or a cereal bar, something to tide them over until they get home.

Edited

That's so sad. Its not normal for children not to eat and surely is a sign they are stressed. Far enough for the first few days but after that maybe it means it's not the place for them. One of mine hated nursery and he instead went to a childminder who he adored. Maybe think about a smaller setting if it continues.

Piony · 09/09/2023 00:30

It isn't that he "isn't eating", it's that he didn't eat between 10 and 5 on this one day. It's a big adjustment for him, and I would expect him to want to BF as a connection thing because he's got you back again, even if he'd eaten loads.

It's something to keep an eye on and ask them about at handover next time. If it's his very first time it might be that they were setting him up on the system so later to update than usual.

FWIW at 1 we reckoned on our son eating about 1.5 meals a day. It was a regular event that he would not touch a whole meal and I'd just let him down from the table. He always tracked his percentile and was never super skinny so I just went with it. It sounds like nursery and you are both very much aware of it and he is going to be fine.

2chocolateoranges · 09/09/2023 00:48

smilesup · 09/09/2023 00:27

That's so sad. Its not normal for children not to eat and surely is a sign they are stressed. Far enough for the first few days but after that maybe it means it's not the place for them. One of mine hated nursery and he instead went to a childminder who he adored. Maybe think about a smaller setting if it continues.

Show quote history

It’s very common for new starts to not eat or drink anything, starting nursery is a whole new experience , with new faces, new environment and new resources and routines.

this can lead to a stressful situation for many new children. Most adapt within weeks some it takes longer, all children are different.

some children love nursery and the experiences provided, they just don’t like the food given at lunchtime. They may only eat the yogurts mummy gives them or like the chicken the way daddy makes it. It’s a huge learning curve for little ones, parents and key workers.

Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 09/09/2023 00:59

@KittyKat95
I would've felt the same as you, but like previous nursery staff say, some babies don't eat in a strange environment.
I've had the EXACT same conv with my own Y8 child this week. School provide a canteen, we have a cupboard / fridge of snacks, she has a voice and a choice.
She won't / can't eat at school. Her older sis had same but now eats for England.
I put out dry cereal/raspberries/Jaffa cakes/ kit kat / bread sticks / pain au chocolate .
She takes one or two of these (refusing any kind of bread, cold pasta, wrap, fruit from fruit bowl, crisps, crackers, yoghurt, cheese etc)

She's made it to 13 years old, v healthy - she eats ALL her meals when she gets off the school bus.
Just offer it at home (mine was BF for a year too) and she won't starve herself.
Nursery WILL care for her, trust them.
And be ready with BF / water / milk / snacks at pick up for next 12 years!

MotherEarthisaTerf · 09/09/2023 01:01

Yanbu at all, he's only little Sad

crumblingschools · 09/09/2023 01:02

What time did you drop off? did they not have breakfast at home? We

Ghosttofu99 · 09/09/2023 01:18

This is one of the most depressing things I have read. So many parents seem happy to accept their children having no food because of ‘settling in.’ I’m sure that is a factor but if the staff were trained to a good standard and the ratios were good then I’d expect them to be able to put different types of babies and toddlers at ease enough to get their basic needs met. Maybe it would be acceptable to wait for the end of the day to update a parent if a child skipped one meal but all three meals! Come on. Basic common sense says contact the parent for feeding advice or to let the parent make the decision on the child’s needs and welfare. Maybe a 1 year old doesn’t starve after one day but on the hottest day of the year with no food for 7 hours how do they no the child won’t become faint. I really hope they gave your DS something to drink op.

Nowdontmakeamess · 09/09/2023 01:24

A 1 year old’s stomach is still tiny so they need frequent meals/snacks throughout the day. YANBU to be concerned, you need to work out if he didn’t eat because he is stressed from the environment or because he didn’t like any of the food. If it’s a good nursery they will help support him and ensure they work with you to find a solution.