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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed by H's diet obsession

56 replies

MrsDux · 08/09/2023 11:04

Let me start this by saying that I know my diet isn't great, I'm very much an emotional eater so can eat 'healthily' for a while and then something happens in my life and I reach for the 'unhealthy' food. I am currently bigger and unhealthier than I would like to be and am working on it through a process of intermittent dieting and carb/sugar control.

When I met H he was 20 stone and didn't care about what he ate, a lot of our early days together were spent eating takeaways or going out for meals without any worry about what we were eating. This was 25 years ago and I know things change but I still like to do that sometimes. The year before our wedding we both decided to lose weight and went on the Atkins diet. We both stuck to it for about a year and lost quite a bit of weight. I struggled with is much more than H as he isn't an emotional eater and if he decides to cut something out of his diet he can just do it.

He has been pretty much eating low carb, quite happily, for the last 20 years and is now consistently between 12 and 13 stone and I am really proud of him. The kids and I probably eat lower carb than most families but nowhere near as low as he does. We will generally have a small amount of potato/pasta/bread/rice with each meal, He won't have any. Over the years this has lead to him cooking most of his own meals and me cooking for myself and the kids, which we are both happy with.

For the last year or so he's got obsessive with diet and nutrition, any spare minute he's listening to, or watching, podcasts on the subject. To start with he would send me ones he though might be of interest to me! I don't have the time or inclination to spend 30 minutes listening to some fanatic talking about what I should and shouldn't be eating and told him so and he stopped sending them but would still tell me about them.

But now I'm getting really annoyed by it. For example, he's currently obsessed with how bad vegetable fats are for you and will read every label of what I am using when cooking and then pulls a sour face if there's anything in it he doesn't agree with.

He wouldn't dream of popping into a coffee shop while out for a walk and having a coffee and slice of cake. If we do that as a family he will have a coffee and make little snide comments about what the rest of us are eating, which ruins the experience for the rest of us. I've told him to curb his comments around the kids (14 and 17) as I don't want them having such an unhealthy obsession and he has done that a bit, but his face can't hide his thoughts.

The worst thing is that any illness I or the kids have he thinks is down to bad diet. My daughter has had blotchy legs for years, it's never really been an issue but now she's in her teens she's more aware of it and would like to see if there's anything that can be done about it. She's currently waiting for a referral to a specialist but it's taking ages so I suggested we could use H's health insurance. He just said that she needs to change her diet and things would get better!

Another example, I am at the start of perimenopause and mentioned to H that if it came to it I would consider going on to HRT rather than suffer as our parent's did, again he said that all I need to do is change my diet and I would be fine!

I don't really know what I want from posting this, maybe just some ideas on how to deal with it as I don't know how much longer I can put up with it!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDux · 08/09/2023 11:05

Sorry that was much longer than I expected, I obviously have a bigger problem with it than I thought!

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 08/09/2023 11:08

That is annoying and particularly so when you have teens who you want to teach a healthy and balanced approach to diet and health. He may have a point that diet could be causing the skin problem, but you need medical advice on this. Fine if he just wants a coffee, but he shouldn't judge if you are having the occasional piece of cake. Maybe he should do all the cooking rather than judging you!

Paq · 08/09/2023 11:10

I mean, he sounds joyless and unpleasant. But you also sound a tiny bit defensive? You don't have to just accept that you are and "emotional eater", you can also change, if you wanted to.

But mainly he sounds unpleasant. It's not kind or helpful to be snide or didactic like that.

Original poster
MrsDux · 08/09/2023 11:11

PinkRoses1245 · 08/09/2023 11:08

That is annoying and particularly so when you have teens who you want to teach a healthy and balanced approach to diet and health. He may have a point that diet could be causing the skin problem, but you need medical advice on this. Fine if he just wants a coffee, but he shouldn't judge if you are having the occasional piece of cake. Maybe he should do all the cooking rather than judging you!

He would happily do all the cooking but dinner would literally just be plate of meat with a few mushrooms on the side every day!

Also, I agree that the skin issue may well be diet related, which is why I want to get her seen.

OP posts:
marblesthecat · 08/09/2023 11:17

He sounds very annoying and I say this is someone who's very interested in nutrition/wellness. I definitely think a lot of things can be helped by making better dietary choices but some of the people in the circles I run in think every single health condition ever can be cured by fasting and juicing. It's tiresome AF as I have an autoimmune condition that I've had since childhood.

It's particularly bad of him to make these comments to your children for having a treat. There's a balance to be had.

marblesthecat · 08/09/2023 11:18

Also if he's largely subsisting on meat that's actually a terrible diet so he's a hypocrite.

Original poster
MrsDux · 08/09/2023 11:20

Paq · 08/09/2023 11:10

I mean, he sounds joyless and unpleasant. But you also sound a tiny bit defensive? You don't have to just accept that you are and "emotional eater", you can also change, if you wanted to.

But mainly he sounds unpleasant. It's not kind or helpful to be snide or didactic like that.

Oh I agree, I am defensive but I feel like the more he pushes the more I want to push against him, which I know isn't great for any of us.

I know I can change and do, for the most part, want to change, but I'm struggling to change my mindset to one that doesn't think 'eat healthily and every now and then you can treat yourself with the food you really want to eat'. This then makes me think about the fact that I'm denying myself foods I 'really want to eat' and it annoys me. H believes it's an addiction (which I am prone to agree with) as he no longer wants to eat those foods and I need to somehow get to that place. But where's the fun in that?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDux · 08/09/2023 11:26

marblesthecat · 08/09/2023 11:17

He sounds very annoying and I say this is someone who's very interested in nutrition/wellness. I definitely think a lot of things can be helped by making better dietary choices but some of the people in the circles I run in think every single health condition ever can be cured by fasting and juicing. It's tiresome AF as I have an autoimmune condition that I've had since childhood.

It's particularly bad of him to make these comments to your children for having a treat. There's a balance to be had.

I also have an autoimmune condition, which he believes could be cured by diet!

Re. the diet of only meat, he also eat things like eggs, nuts, olives etc, just very few veg and no carb/sugar. Believe me when I say he has done a LOT of research.

My daughter is about to start GCSE food and nutrition and I've warned him he's not allowed to comment on what they teach her. I've just seen that in her first lesson she will be making fresh pasta, so that could be fun

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 08/09/2023 11:40

He might be close to having an eating disorder.

Paq · 08/09/2023 11:42

@MrsDux I completely agree with you. His behaviour is having the opposite desired effect.

However, I am (slowly) on my way to being one of those people who actually just doesn't want cake much at all (and I do recognise emotional eating in my behaviour) and if you don't want something then you're not missing out on the "fun" of having it.

But really the main focus of the thread should be that your H is a pita.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/09/2023 11:46

He doesn’t sound terribly healthy himself - he might be able to keep a low weight but that’s not the only thing. People need plenty of veg!

Its also not good to preach this sort of thing around teens - they should have a balanced diet.

I agree he sounds close to having an eating disorder

Cockawoes · 08/09/2023 11:52

but I'm struggling to change my mindset to one that doesn't think 'eat healthily and every now and then you can treat yourself with the food you really want to eat'.

But this mindset is the right mindset to have. Of course eat healthily most of the time. But cake or whatever isn't bad. It's just not as nutritious as other foods. You can and should eat cake occasionally if you want it.

FickleFingerOfCake · 08/09/2023 11:56

My DH works in a health care related profession and is a very keen cyclist, both of these have given him an interest in nutrition and he believes passionately in good nutrition and is fairly strict with himself over what he eats. He is in excellent health and far better shape now than 20 years ago when we got together! I am very aware of good nutrition but not overly restrictive (everything in moderation, no foods are 'bad' we just don't have an excess of anything etc etc)

We always eat together as a family (due to our schedules I do most of the cooking, pre kids he did most of it) and he would NEVER comment on what I cook in anything other than a positive way, or on the food choices of me or our children whilst out and about eg the coffee and cake scenario you mentioned. If we go to a coffee shop sometimes he has cake and enjoys it, sometimes he has nothing while the rest of us do. He wouldn't dream of making a snide comment because he knows his choices are exactly that, HIS and not ours!

I sympathise with your situation because it is so hard to deal with someone who probably excuses his behaviour with 'only wanting the best for everyone' When actually he's verging into conspiracy theory territory with so much emphasis placed on nutrition as the root cause of all evil 🙄

isthewashingdryyet · 08/09/2023 11:58

Look up orthorexia, it is an eating disorder and describes him

MaryJanesonabreak · 08/09/2023 12:02

If menopause is giving you a hard time, believe me, diet is not going to cut it. I did every known alternative for ten flipping years because ‘I’m not ill and it’s a natural part of aging’ and I was going mad from lack of sleep and hot flushes. I literally was looking at exit sites. Reader I took HRT and within four days I was sleeping again and the flushes slowed down.
Anyone who will never go through the menopause can shut up about diet advice sorting it. Although, if you are overweight it tends to makes lots of things more difficult.

shearwater · 08/09/2023 12:02

YANBU. And teenagers need carbs and quite a lot of calories as they are still growing and he shouldn't be going on and on about dieting around them or insisting that they eat low carb/Atkins.

There is far too much meat involved with traditional Atkins - loads of people take it as carte blanche to eat bacon/sausages for every meal which is ridiculously unhealthy.

shearwater · 08/09/2023 12:04

MaryJanesonabreak · 08/09/2023 12:02

If menopause is giving you a hard time, believe me, diet is not going to cut it. I did every known alternative for ten flipping years because ‘I’m not ill and it’s a natural part of aging’ and I was going mad from lack of sleep and hot flushes. I literally was looking at exit sites. Reader I took HRT and within four days I was sleeping again and the flushes slowed down.
Anyone who will never go through the menopause can shut up about diet advice sorting it. Although, if you are overweight it tends to makes lots of things more difficult.

Yes indeed. Even my yoga teachers who believes in everything natural, has an excellent diet, is super fit and slim turned to HRT. Hormonal issues need hormones to sort it out. Then diet and exercise can help.

Truemilk · 08/09/2023 12:12

People like your husband suck the joy out of life

marblesthecat · 08/09/2023 12:13

I fully intend to take HRT.

Goldbar · 08/09/2023 12:21

My DH is a bit like this. I find it boring and tedious but at least he doesn't comment on what other people eat.

I suspect it's an eating disorder (orthorexia, as someone has mentioned), exacerbated in my DH's case by severe job stress and a competitive office culture centred around fitness.

Araminta34 · 08/09/2023 12:29

He does sound rather joyless, but to be fair, a lot of people are reevaluating their diets after reading 'Ultra Processed People.'

It doesn't necessarily indicate an eating disorder, it's simply being aware that some of the chemical additives in processed food are not good for health.

Orthorexia is more than this - it includes refusing to eat in restaurants or to eat food prepared by someone else. Perhaps the OP's husband is like this though.

ZadocPDederick · 08/09/2023 12:36

He wouldn't dream of popping into a coffee shop while out for a walk and having a coffee and slice of cake. If we do that as a family he will have a coffee and make little snide comments about what the rest of us are eating, which ruins the experience for the rest of us. I've told him to curb his comments around the kids (14 and 17) as I don't want them having such an unhealthy obsession and he has done that a bit, but his face can't hide his thoughts.

Next time you do this, suggest that he sits outside rather than spoil it for everyone else.

ZadocPDederick · 08/09/2023 12:38

Another example, I am at the start of perimenopause and mentioned to H that if it came to it I would consider going on to HRT rather than suffer as our parent's did, again he said that all I need to do is change my diet and I would be fine!

Point out that diet has nothing to do with hormones and tell him that when he has to go through the menopause you might listen to his advice, but till then he needs to keep quiet.

Goldbar · 08/09/2023 12:39

I agree with @ZadocPDederick . Commenting on the eating habits of others should result in instantly being sent away from the table. In terms of manners, I'd rank it as being a worse breach than eating with your hands or throwing food.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2023 12:45

Tell your husband he can fuck right off when it comes to peri-menopause. How fucking dare he make such stupid proclamations when he doesn't know the first thing about it. I would be absolutely raging about that one issue alone.