AIBU to be annoyed by H's diet obsession

[MrsDux]

Let me start this by saying that I know my diet isn't great, I'm very much an emotional eater so can eat 'healthily' for a while and then something happens in my life and I reach for the 'unhealthy' food. I am currently bigger and unhealthier than I would like to be and am working on it through a process of intermittent dieting and carb/sugar control.

When I met H he was 20 stone and didn't care about what he ate, a lot of our early days together were spent eating takeaways or going out for meals without any worry about what we were eating. This was 25 years ago and I know things change but I still like to do that sometimes. The year before our wedding we both decided to lose weight and went on the Atkins diet. We both stuck to it for about a year and lost quite a bit of weight. I struggled with is much more than H as he isn't an emotional eater and if he decides to cut something out of his diet he can just do it.

He has been pretty much eating low carb, quite happily, for the last 20 years and is now consistently between 12 and 13 stone and I am really proud of him. The kids and I probably eat lower carb than most families but nowhere near as low as he does. We will generally have a small amount of potato/pasta/bread/rice with each meal, He won't have any. Over the years this has lead to him cooking most of his own meals and me cooking for myself and the kids, which we are both happy with.

For the last year or so he's got obsessive with diet and nutrition, any spare minute he's listening to, or watching, podcasts on the subject. To start with he would send me ones he though might be of interest to me! I don't have the time or inclination to spend 30 minutes listening to some fanatic talking about what I should and shouldn't be eating and told him so and he stopped sending them but would still tell me about them.

But now I'm getting really annoyed by it. For example, he's currently obsessed with how bad vegetable fats are for you and will read every label of what I am using when cooking and then pulls a sour face if there's anything in it he doesn't agree with.

He wouldn't dream of popping into a coffee shop while out for a walk and having a coffee and slice of cake. If we do that as a family he will have a coffee and make little snide comments about what the rest of us are eating, which ruins the experience for the rest of us. I've told him to curb his comments around the kids (14 and 17) as I don't want them having such an unhealthy obsession and he has done that a bit, but his face can't hide his thoughts.

The worst thing is that any illness I or the kids have he thinks is down to bad diet. My daughter has had blotchy legs for years, it's never really been an issue but now she's in her teens she's more aware of it and would like to see if there's anything that can be done about it. She's currently waiting for a referral to a specialist but it's taking ages so I suggested we could use H's health insurance. He just said that she needs to change her diet and things would get better!

Another example, I am at the start of perimenopause and mentioned to H that if it came to it I would consider going on to HRT rather than suffer as our parent's did, again he said that all I need to do is change my diet and I would be fine!

I don't really know what I want from posting this, maybe just some ideas on how to deal with it as I don't know how much longer I can put up with it!

His diet doesn't sound particularly healthy.
When you say he has done a lot of research is that research just by dieticians that take the same approach as him? As I suspect there is also a lot of research that contradicts his opinion.
He sounds like a fanatic and that's never good.

I grew up with a dad like this. I remember once as a teenager cooking a chicken curry, and offering him some, to which he responded, ‘you couldn’t pay me to eat that’. It was really hurtful, it was just a chicken and vegetable curry, but it fell short of his current diet fad. Eventually he didn’t eat with at all, and eventually, my parents divorced altogether.

It’s called orthorexia, and it is an eating disorder.

My dad’s eating habits didn’t affect me at the time, but something has worn off on me, as I am now (age 31) at risk of falling down rabbit holes of food obsessions which I find hard to snap out of sometimes.

I find that people are generally resistant to the idea that fat people can have a problem with food in the same way that others have issues with alcohol or smoking but it is absolutely the case. Nobody would ever disregard a person's addiction to eg nicotine but food? All you get there is sneery judgement from most. It's not an 'acceptable' coping method in society's eyes but it's a massive problem for the obese and it's not recognised to anywhere near the extent it should be.

Extremes around food are dangerous from ALL angles, from fruitarians to the morbidly obese to anorexics to binge eaters to, yes, healthy food obsessives. This is now a recognised eating disorder.

I'd be sending him some links re orthorexia nervosa in the hope of giving him something to think about. He certainly sounds obsessive.

And yes, before I get jumped on, I am overweight and I am a recovering bulimic with binge eating disorder. I get where your mind-set is and see that you are recognising your own issues and trying to avoid food issues arising in your own kids. Your DH could not say that.

I will have a look at orthorexia thanks, I'm not sure he would take it on board though.

To be fair to H, he doesn't comment about what the kids eat directly to them, just to me, they know what he does and doesn't eat and why he believes that way but his face just can't hide how he's feeling. He's like that in everything in life.

He's also been doing this diet for a couple of years now and had various health checks through work and his blood results etc always come back absolutely perfect so I'm not going to question that what he's doing isn't good for him.

I sort of understand that if you've been very overweight for a lot of your life, as he was, and you've found something that works for you, then you'd want that for everyone else and probably can't understand why they wouldn't want that for themselves, but still...

I think of it as like an ex smoker who then becomes very anti smoking I guess.

Don't worry though, I've told him that what happens to my body happens to my body and not his and therefore I will be dealing with is in whatever way I feel is right for me

He says he's looked into the other side of the argument but I think they are probably devout vegans who are never going to change his mind. I have no issue with how he wants to eat as long as it doesn't affect those around him.

I do believe people should change their own mindsets too, for example, if we go out for dinner he will usually ask for his meal to be without potato/rice etc, which isn't harming anyone, but his mum seems to think this is unacceptable so now we don't eat out with her as much so as not to offend.

I agree with those who suspect an eating disorder; his eating pattern and ideas around it are interfering with his ability to lead a normal life and to interact normally with his family. He needs to want to change but it is important that you protect your DC .

I have personal been similar to your husband after having a baby but not as extreme.
we both partied hard and got pregnant through stupidity. I dieted to lose the baby weight and am now really careful what I eat but treat myself.
there has been an improvement in my health but my mental health needs take aways occasionally and during my period I definitely need to forget all that and eat chocolate!
He is right that diet makes a difference but there is a balance. You can’t live a life constantly depriving yourself of nice things or shaming people for what they eat. That’s not healthy for teenagers!

Sounds annoying and although I do agree that you don’t want your kids having his obsession (or worse an eating disorder) I do think he’s speaking sense about seed oils etc and many of us need to open our eyes to how many chemicals our bodies are being pumped with on a daily basis in the western world. Could be a possibility that you are particularly triggered by his comments because of your own issues around food and body image too. He does have a right to comment on the health and nutrition of his kids but yeah I can see why that would be annoying

I’m with your DH tbh. There’s a lot to be learnt about nutrition.

Diet sometimes can take over the mind and become a religion, like anti-vaxxers or trumpists. There is no reasoning. It doesn't matter that a carnivore diet with a few veggies is unhealthy, he sees it as the holy grail.
It is quite common in the low carb community to feed on podcasts and YouTube channels. That is their " research" .

However, right now, his view (obsession?) is impacting the whole family and the pleasure of outings.

I think it's coming from a good place op, my dh is much the same. You just need more sleep, water, a good run, clean diet etc. But the evidence that supports it is enormous and your dh, like mine has clearly educated himself very well on the topic and it probably upsets him to see his loved ones struggling with medical issues that could vastly be improved with alterations to diet. I know this doesn't stop him from being annoying/insulting but perhaps next time entertain him. Ask him what diet changes he recommends to help perimenopause or whatever else and explore it with him, read up on it to and trial it for a bit?

I think a better statement would be that evidence supports that not eating rubbish is good for you, not that low carb is in any form superior to other ways to not eat rubbish. Unless someone has a metabolic disorder such as diabetes, with poor glucose management, there is no evidence that it is better than other diets. It is what you eat and not so much what you avoid that makes a healthy diet.
There is plenty of evidence that lentils and pulses which are high in carbs are extremely healthy and health promoting.

Why do you say that? Nutritionists haven't exactly been giving us good advice over the last few decades. You might also want to look up the definition of hypocrite.

Thanks all, I think I just needed to vent. I do know it comes from a good place and I have no reason to believe what he's doing isn't good for you (as I said, he's the picture of good health). I also know that my reaction is partly a defence mechanism because of my own feelings around my weight/health, but I just wish it didn't take over everything as it's splitting our family when it comes to eating/going out.

I also agree he has a right to comment on the health of the kids, but in that case he needs to do something to help get them eating more healthily, not just comment on it.

I have changed some of my eating habits, I've changed the oil we use, cut down on simple carbs, fast in the mornings (which has lead to cutting out cereal). I just can't go to the extremes he does, I struggle to just cut things out of my diet completely (and I'm not convinced I really should) I'm not much of a meat eater, I just don't really enjoy it. I've also found I need multiple textures in a meal to enjoy it and am struggling to find the crispiness in anything he eats.

I'm sure we'll get there and thanks again for letting me vent and suggesting some differing points of view. If anyone knows a way for H to not show his feelings quite so openly on his face, that would be really helpful

This sounds really annoying. I have experienced similar with my DH losing 3 stone very quickly and then becoming obsessed with diet and exercise. He decided to become vegetarian after lots of reading about health issues and meat so he tried to convert me to vegetarianism which I didn’t want to do full-time. This meant eating separate meals which was annoying most nights. I feel for you OP as I also like to enjoy a piece of cake in a cafe from time to time and would hate for my DH to bemoan my every move. I think you need to have a sit down with him and really explain how he’s making you feel

Sorry to hear you re going through similar, I've done the sitting down and explaining how I feel and he has got better (he no longer sends me videos to watch 😂). It's just this new medical side of things that's getting to me, but don't worry, I do tell him

Well it sounds like you have better mental health than him, he sounds like he has an eating disorder tbh. I would raise it with him. Someone telling him he isn't as healthy as he thinks ( mental health wise ) may make him think, or at least stop sucking the life out of everything.

He's always had an addictive personality and there are worse things for him to be addicted to so I'm not too worried about that. He's also been through some really low times over the last few years (mostly work related) and I was really worried about him, being so 'in control' of his diet has actually helped his mental health so I'm not going to take that away from him. Swings and roundabouts

I am well aware of the definition of hypocrite, thank you very much. You could have instigated a discussion without being a complete arse.

I'd start pointing out how unhealthy HIS diet is. Meat, nuts, olives, eggs, and mushrooms. No fruit or vegetables. Dire.

The only way I know how to deal with it is to make him realise that if he pulls a face you will go ballistic. Give him a warning and then follow through. It’s a Pavlov’s dog scenario- he has to associate face pulling with unpleasant consequences.

It’s great that he’s re-evaluated his diet but it’s not up to him to police what you eat. I actually agree about processed foods and oils and worry myself sick about what dh and the kids eat but I don’t get involved as no one likes being lectured. I do my bit in cooking healthy dinners for the family but I don’t try and tell any of them what not to eat as it’s up to them. With teenagers (and dh), making an issue of something is a sure fire way to make them do it more! We also love bread and cake so rather than give it up we make our own. Much nicer than shop bought and we know exactly what’s in it. Dd particularly enjoys baking.

Also agree with pp’s that eating few vegetables is not the basis of a healthy diet. I don’t know where your dh is getting his info but a wide range of veg and a little fruit - the more colours the better - alongside plenty of protein is the foundation of a healthy lifestyle. He may be slim but his nutrition needs work.

Apparently there is nothing you can get from vegetables that you can't get from meat/offal. He does eat some veg, he eats an avocado a day and olives and occasional berries

Fibre.

What is vital for good bowel health.

He's wrong. His diet sounds really bad.