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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

53 replies

chatenoire · 07/09/2023 07:25

My DD13 hasn't really adjusted to secondary school life and has developed anxiety. She's always been a bit chunky. Her dad doesn't really want to know anything about her weight issue. She's a size 16 and is 5ft2 She eats whatever she likes most of the time and she only spends about 3 nights with me. She definitely eats too much and doesn't like to move. However, since she started secondary school she has developed anxiety, and to me that's the priority.

So my DHs (not her dad) suggestion is that I simply control her portion size when she's here. I told her that's pointless and the change has to come from her and with the full support of her dad (which I don't have). In any case her anxiety is more of a priority and I will tackle that first. (School hasn't helped much so going the GP route).

DH called me inflexible and thought I should give his idea a go. I did it utterly pointless.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/09/2023 07:28

I can see his point that you should show her correct portion sizes when she’s with you, and make sure she eats a healthy balanced diet.
Shes only 13, she needs showing the right way, I don’t think you can expect it all to come from her.

Notsuredontknow · 07/09/2023 07:30

i can see why you’re reluctant to control her portion sizes but you could be more subtle. Only having fresh and healthy food available when she’s there and encourage her to move, eg take family walks or play tennis together on the days she’s with you

midgemadgemodge · 07/09/2023 07:32

You are the adult

You need to be giving her suitable food and making sure she gets suitable exercise

Clearly she knows she's fat so I don't see what you can't have a sensible drama free supportive let's fix this conversation

Alwaysdecorating · 07/09/2023 07:35

She is with you 3 nights a week. So yea you should be making sure on those 3 nights you are feeding her a healthy diet.

Saying ‘well she is only here 3 nights so it won’t make a difference’ is no different to her dad who you claim isn’t interested.

Weightloss does have to come from the person. But she is a child and needs to be taught this.

At the moment it appears she is being taught to use food to handle her anxiety. And that the adults around her both don’t think they can help her.

Original poster
chatenoire · 07/09/2023 07:35

Notsuredontknow · 07/09/2023 07:30

i can see why you’re reluctant to control her portion sizes but you could be more subtle. Only having fresh and healthy food available when she’s there and encourage her to move, eg take family walks or play tennis together on the days she’s with you

Yes, but she refuses to go out (she just won't) and when in school she just buys all sorts of junk at the corner shop.

She does know about healthy eating and exercise here. We're competitive runners and she frequently comes and chats with me while I'm doing yoga (for example) but refuses to join.

And it's not like she'll just say what we tell her to do. Earlier this year she did all sorts of things that are borderline illegal (even the police got involved) and she's semi back on it. I would have taken her phone away but her dad was against it.

OP posts:
Original poster
chatenoire · 07/09/2023 07:37

midgemadgemodge · 07/09/2023 07:32

You are the adult

You need to be giving her suitable food and making sure she gets suitable exercise

Clearly she knows she's fat so I don't see what you can't have a sensible drama free supportive let's fix this conversation

And yes, I am the adult, but I don't know how to handle her. When she's here she gets fed normal home cooked meals, but she goes and grabs stuff from the fridge at night, when I'm at meetings etc...

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 07/09/2023 07:39

I told her that's pointless and the change has to come from her

I think that’s true for adults losing weight but she won’t have the skills, self motivation or understanding of how to do it. A size 16 aged 13 is heavy especially for her height and might be adding to her anxiety if she’s out of step with other girls in her class.

A conversation (or many) about health and well-being, planning meals together focussed on nutrition, providing healthy snacks and finding exercise she likes would be the road I’d take.

If you think your DH is wrong, what approach are you planning to take to help her learn how to manage her weight?

Dancesalong · 07/09/2023 07:39

Also could her anxiety be linked to her weight but she has got herself in a rut where she eats for comfort for the anxiety which makes her weight issue worse so making changes to diet could give her some help with both

Strugglingtodomybest · 07/09/2023 07:45

I would talk to her about the reasons she doesn't want to eat healthily or exercise. What's going on in her head? If she's comfort eating, why? I would guess it's all linked to the anxiety.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 07/09/2023 07:48

Where is ahe getting the the money for junk food? What type of food is she taking at night from the fridge?

Original poster
chatenoire · 07/09/2023 08:11

She likes food, always have. So I've talked to her about portion sizes, healthy eating, that it's not what you eat that is the problem but how much you eat, etc...

About 2 years ago she outgrew my clothes (I'm a size 8) and that to me was one of the biggest red flags. She simply doesn't like physical activity. I tried parkrun with her and she wouldn't have it.

Her dad and grandparents put money into a card

OP posts:
midgemadgemodge · 07/09/2023 08:15

Have less stuff on the house
Or make her pay for all the stuff she gets from fridge then there is no money for junk

Does she have a hobby ? Children often need one

Also you need to talk
She's overeating
She's not happy
She's in a negative spiral
Reassurance that you love her also usually helps

Suggest not looking at her when you talk - they seems to prefer that - go for a walk together

midgemadgemodge · 07/09/2023 08:16

Remove that card until she can act responsibly

And if it's not Parkrun she chooses something together or separate - no option to not do anything

Nicole1111 · 07/09/2023 08:20

A number of studies have shown that food deprivation is more likely to lead the overeating than anything else. Reducing her portion size is therefore probably going to send her looking for food elsewhere and then she’s unlikely to be gravitating towards the healthiest foods

midgemadgemodge · 07/09/2023 08:28

Nicole1111 · 07/09/2023 08:20

A number of studies have shown that food deprivation is more likely to lead the overeating than anything else. Reducing her portion size is therefore probably going to send her looking for food elsewhere and then she’s unlikely to be gravitating towards the healthiest foods

Food depratvation ?

Can you clarify that the studies are talking about true deprivation or just depriving people of the option to overeat ?

Original poster
chatenoire · 07/09/2023 08:28

midgemadgemodge · 07/09/2023 08:15

Have less stuff on the house
Or make her pay for all the stuff she gets from fridge then there is no money for junk

Does she have a hobby ? Children often need one

Also you need to talk
She's overeating
She's not happy
She's in a negative spiral
Reassurance that you love her also usually helps

Suggest not looking at her when you talk - they seems to prefer that - go for a walk together

That's actually decent advice (the paying for stuff).

Talking to her / forcing her to do things always ends up with one of her anxiety attacks. She scratches herself until she breaks her skin. (Which is why I think the anxiety is the first thing on the list).

I can't take away the card, her dad gave it to her and he won't budge unless I take him to court and again, I don't think it's worth it.

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 07/09/2023 08:34

What about swimming? Cycling? There must be something she will try? But yes I agree that you need to give her healthy portions of food. You can't expect a 13year old to manage this alone - she needs to be shown

Original poster
chatenoire · 07/09/2023 09:43

OldEvilOwl · 07/09/2023 08:34

What about swimming? Cycling? There must be something she will try? But yes I agree that you need to give her healthy portions of food. You can't expect a 13year old to manage this alone - she needs to be shown

She doesn't like anything and yes she's been shown, but any "good work" is undone when she had double lunches, whatever crap her dad has, the corner shop, etc...

She only likes passive hobbies like knitting

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 07/09/2023 11:47

I really feel for you. Tackling teenager’s weight is difficult when both parents and a teenager are on the same page but when you disagree it’s impossible.
Her anxiety is definitely a priority because it looks like she is eating for comfort. However I think you and her Dad both are too black and white. You have to think about portions but it can’t be a focus of the day. You have to do a lot of small changes to make it more natural. Of course she doesn’t want to do yoga, it’s difficult. Would she do something like walking to the shop to buy a face mask and then having a pampering evening with you at home?
I would also remove unhealthy food as much as possible from the fridge to avoid temptation.
Have you excluded medical issues?

Original poster
chatenoire · 07/09/2023 11:58

pizzaHeart · 07/09/2023 11:47

I really feel for you. Tackling teenager’s weight is difficult when both parents and a teenager are on the same page but when you disagree it’s impossible.
Her anxiety is definitely a priority because it looks like she is eating for comfort. However I think you and her Dad both are too black and white. You have to think about portions but it can’t be a focus of the day. You have to do a lot of small changes to make it more natural. Of course she doesn’t want to do yoga, it’s difficult. Would she do something like walking to the shop to buy a face mask and then having a pampering evening with you at home?
I would also remove unhealthy food as much as possible from the fridge to avoid temptation.
Have you excluded medical issues?

Edited

No she won't walk even to the corner shop... Sometimes she will, but normally she just won't.

She won't even walk the dog for 10 mins.

She eats cheese and toast/wraps, it's just that she eats too much. For example, she wanted avocado on toast and she wanted the WHOLE avocado. I've had this conversation plenty of times, but it's the sheer amount of food that is the problem at home, not necessarily that it's "unhealthy".

Or even with say a sandwich, she'll have a double decker.

OP posts:
LoserWinner · 07/09/2023 12:07

At 5ft2in and size 16, she’s not ‘chunky’, she’s overweight, possibly obese. You don’t need to say that to her, but until you stop downplaying the problem yourself, you aren’t going to be able to help her.

Original poster
chatenoire · 07/09/2023 12:09

LoserWinner · 07/09/2023 12:07

At 5ft2in and size 16, she’s not ‘chunky’, she’s overweight, possibly obese. You don’t need to say that to her, but until you stop downplaying the problem yourself, you aren’t going to be able to help her.

I'm not downplaying it, I know she's obese and at risk of many other things. I was overweight at her age but never her size. I still have those clothes and they're too big for me now, but they're at least 2 sizes too small for her

OP posts:
BorrowedThyme · 07/09/2023 12:15

so she is obese, involved in criminal activity, non compliant and underperforming at school?

and you want to "tackle her anxiety first"

er no. Get some parental control over your child first! then she will be less anxious anyway

This is a slow motion car crash. What do you think the situation is going to be when she is 16?

Your partner is right - portion control now, as well as everything else

Notsuredontknow · 07/09/2023 12:19

I do feel for you Op because it’s that difficult age where we really don’t have anywhere near the same control anymore. You say she’s into passive hobbies - could you get her into cooking? Do it together - could help with the food awareness but also be an opportunity to talk through her anxieties in a relaxed setting?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/09/2023 12:19

You’ve got to be very careful not to make this an issue. Yes you want your dd to be healthy but she needs to know that you love her unconditionally. I certainly wouldn’t be charging her for food. You can help without her even realising if you’re smart about it.

If she won’t even walk to the corner shop that may actually help you. Just don’t buy rubbish. If she can’t regulate the amount of bread she’s eating don’t keep it in the house when she’s with you. A whole avocado won’t hurt her but half a loaf will. Cook balanced meals when she’s with you and only have fruit for snacks. No crackers, biscuits, sweets, wraps etc. Have made up salads, cheese and crudités with hummus ready in the fridge for when she is hungry. Cook her a big omelette for breakfast. She may still eat too much but at least it will be healthy food and less processed carbs.