Who is being unreasonable here?

[chatenoire]

My DD13 hasn't really adjusted to secondary school life and has developed anxiety. She's always been a bit chunky. Her dad doesn't really want to know anything about her weight issue. She's a size 16 and is 5ft2 She eats whatever she likes most of the time and she only spends about 3 nights with me. She definitely eats too much and doesn't like to move. However, since she started secondary school she has developed anxiety, and to me that's the priority.

So my DHs (not her dad) suggestion is that I simply control her portion size when she's here. I told her that's pointless and the change has to come from her and with the full support of her dad (which I don't have). In any case her anxiety is more of a priority and I will tackle that first. (School hasn't helped much so going the GP route).

DH called me inflexible and thought I should give his idea a go. I did it utterly pointless.

I think the anxiety is the bigger issue as it could well cycle out of control and she's already self harming (scratching herself). This is only likely to get worse as she goes through her teens. Are the school aware of her anxiety? Have you tried to find out what makes her anxious? Ideally she should have a mentor or be able to see a counsellor.

Controlling the food intake of a teen is next to impossible since they have access, I assume, to unhealthy food at school and on the journey there and back. I wouldn't blame her dad for giving her a card to use, as he is right, she does need to fit in and lots of teens buy unhealthy drinks and snacks so it becomes normal for them.

I also don't think a bit of exercise would tackle the problem either, though it would be good for her general health and possibly her mental health too. But you'd need to find something she likes doing or find a positive reason for her to, say, walk to the shop with you (to choose food for dinner?).

It also sounds like food has always been a big issue for her, and this is not new. Maybe the weight has piled on as her growth has slowed down, and it may improve if she has a growth spurt.

I think talking to her calmly and pointing out what is and isn't healthy is good, but nagging isn't going to work. My eldest is early 20s and somewhat overweight. It started around 15 when she changed schools and had to take a bus from the town centre where there were plenty of shops. (Even if we gave her no money, she would shoplift back then).

She would now like to be slimmer and has recently started eating better, rather than constantly buying takeaways and junk food. She also walks to work (30 minutes) most of the time. She has made these decisions for herself as she could easily get a bus and has the money to fund takeaways. Whether it will lead to weight loss remains to be seen.

I don't think there are any easy fixes and a determined teen will find a way to subvert your attempts, although I still think you should keep modelling healthy eating and make sure you either don't have any highly fatty, sugary foods in the house, or keep them locked away.

I really feel for you both - it's so tough, particularly with a split family, where there isn't the same 'rules' around food and money in each household. I've always had a degree of anxiety and definitely comfort eat (though never got to that size). Love my food and not a natural 'exerciser'! Do enjoy walking dog, swimming and rowing - hated running and similar sports! Maybe try something a bit different or just more movement within the day.
So many of the processed foods are highly addictive and have a drug like hit on the brain, so really hard to break, but for her health it has to be tackled.
Is some of her behaviour linked to your separation? Has she had any counselling?
Maybe get a check up with a GP to ensure no underlying health problems - the eating/behaviour is a symptom but often so hard to work out the cause.
Are there any support groups out there for parents with children who have similar issues?
Might you need to go back to court to sort things with your ex - if he is aiding and abetting unhealthy life choices that are actually making your daughter I'll?
She sounds amazing, really has a goal in life and well done you for boasting her.
I don't really have answers but don't give up and wish you well.

Thank you! I'll definitely try the working out that isn't a work out like gardening

She's always had more or less the same relationship with food but she has become a lot more sedentary over the last year, even her dad admits to this.

I'm hoping the CAMHS referral helps to identify the reasons behind her eating habits