Who is being unreasonable here?

[chatenoire]

My DD13 hasn't really adjusted to secondary school life and has developed anxiety. She's always been a bit chunky. Her dad doesn't really want to know anything about her weight issue. She's a size 16 and is 5ft2 She eats whatever she likes most of the time and she only spends about 3 nights with me. She definitely eats too much and doesn't like to move. However, since she started secondary school she has developed anxiety, and to me that's the priority.

So my DHs (not her dad) suggestion is that I simply control her portion size when she's here. I told her that's pointless and the change has to come from her and with the full support of her dad (which I don't have). In any case her anxiety is more of a priority and I will tackle that first. (School hasn't helped much so going the GP route).

DH called me inflexible and thought I should give his idea a go. I did it utterly pointless.

What interests her? What does she like doing? What are her ambitions? What does she want to do in the future?

I think you need to start by finding what makes her tick because once she's found her niche, it will be easier to tackle the weight and anxiety issues. She needs to learn how to value herself and it doesn't seem like she is able to at the moment. It doesn't need to be something outdoors or sporty, just something she loves which will occupy her a bit more and give her something to value about herself.

Sorry, I've just seen you said she likes passive hobbies. That's fine. Knitting is great. How much does she do? Can she crochet - that's really popular amongst teens at the moment. Can you encourage her to take on a project so she feels she has a purpose?

What about knitting/crocheting/cross-stitching crafty things for Christmas? Enough so that she can sell them and earn herself some money. Presents for friends (my daughter crochets presents for all her friends and some of her teachers).

I think the first thing you need to tackle is her lack of self-worth so encourage her in what she loves.

I think you are putting way too much emphasis on (lack of) exercise. She can reach and maintain a healthy weight without having to take up park runs and jogging. Let her knit and give her smaller portions, also remove the opportunity for over-eating - no more pocket money for the corner shop, no more chocolate kept in the fridge.

She doesn't underperform at school, she's actually on all the top classes and has projected 8 and 9s.

But I'm not the one that gives her the pocket money, it's her dad. I have ZERO control over that. Although he agrees it's concerning his priority is that she "fits in".

But we already do this here. It's all fairly healthy, but she just likes food. She won't eat any salads, only likes mangos, doesn't like hummus, or carrots , or vegetables (she does like broccoli) and loves mashed potatoes. She'll go and make herself a packet of Idahoan if I'm not watching (I had to hide this).

I've explained many, many times that for porridge it's a small amount 40g, but then she still fills a big cereal bowl

It's on a parent to control a child's diet, you admit she's always been on the chucky side thats on you as a parent to monitor her intake, encourage her to be active.. At 13 a size 16 at 5,2 is obsese, you seem very dismissive about it, I don't mean to be rude but are you quite big? You can do it together.

I'm not, I'm a size 6/8 and live an active lifestyle. She in fact accused me that I'm the problem and I don't eat enough ;/ I've monitored her intake all her life, and it comes and goes but it's getting out of control.

I think you are absolutely right that her mental health is the priority. Your set-up with your ex means that you don't have the kind of control over her access to food and money that most parents do - and at 13, however much you do to provide healthy meals and healthy examples, if she wants to supplement with other things, she will do so. She's choosing high-fat, high-carb stodgy comfort foods which suggests that her eating is driven by her poor mental health in any case.

I would take all the pressure off on the eating front; continue to provide healthy portions of healthy meals, but stop commenting on the rest for now. Focus on her mental wellbeing and mood; what else is going on in her mind? Sometimes teenagers will talk more freely if you are doing something with them rather than specifically trying to talk to them; can you knit? Could she teach you? Could you go shopping for nice wool/needles and find some patterns together to have a go at? Try and meet her where she is for a while and let conversation develop naturally. Ideally she needs counselling; would she consider that?

Yes, she's very open to it. I've referred her this morning.

Her dad doesn't think it's a priority either, but acknowledges it can become a bigger problem

tbh I can’t say that the whole avocado on toast is a lot, if it’s standard avocado not a super large one it’s fine. I’m a bit surprised that you put it like that. Again the double decker sandwich is ok itself. It’s the whole amount of food plus the amount of activity during the day that matters.
Are you still size 8? I never been size 8 in my life. I wasn’t 16 at your daughters age more clumsy size 12 which wasn’t good either. My point is that all these thoughts about eating healthily, doing exercises etc it’s very annoying when someone size 8 gives me advices on that because I don’t think they understand my feelings. I’m just saying this because obviously you should be careful about your goals. She is eating because she is upset or bored or tired or all at once. I wouldn’t lecture her about whole avocado being too much, it won’t help.

She's more or less almost been this way. When she was 4 she'd steal whole bars of butter from the fridge to eat them.

Her dad just told me she caught her having a fairly decent portion of fried rice and then added tons of sesame oil.

There's a big element that she just likes her food and always have.

Yes, I'm still a size 6/8, but when I was her age I was a size 14. I lost all the weight when she was 5/6 and have kept it off (she doesn't remember me as a size 14/16 though so I get what you mean).

Your husband is right! You need to control her portion size and encourage her to eat healthily. She’s massively overweight and you have a duty to her as a child to help her to be healthy! Both for the sake of her physical and mental health.

I've already had an initial chat with CAMHS and given what she's going through they said that should be a phase 2

You say you want to deal with anxiety first, but spend most of your posts talking about her weight, exercise and portion-sizes. You drop in that she does very well at school and has some hobbies - sounds like reasons to build her up but instead it's back to the weight, oh and hopeless father.

"At 4 years old she was stealing bars of butter" - err, she was 4, where were you? On a park run maybe, because that's what this thread is all about really isn't it.... how your daughter (and her father) doesn't measure up.

You sound like the ex smoker in the pub who would scoff at their smoker friends and move the ashtray to another table in disgust.

Size 16 and 5.2 is not 'chunky' it's classed as obese. I'm 5.7 and size 16 and I'm at the high end of overweight.
I really thing as a parent you should be modelling healthy, fresh in processed food, proper portion sizes and building movement into her daily routine.

You said that school hasn’t helped much and I wonder what you want/expect the school to do. I don’t think they can monitor what a student eats at lunchtime and they certainly won’t be able to when she goes to the corner shop.

Perhaps she’s anxious because she knows she’s overweight, but not how to change that. It sounds as though she might be comfort eating, which people do.

What did you do to lose the weight? It can’t just be the exercise, because weight control is 80% diet. I think you have to manage her portion sizes when you’re able to and focus on that. Would it be possible to have a genuine conversation with her father about your concerns? If she enjoys crafts, that would be a starting point to find something you could do together and she can teach you. She might then be open to doing something that you enjoy.

I suppose the bottom line is that, if she continues to put on weight, she will probably become more anxious and more isolated and more likely to comfort eat.

This thread is about her weight really, not about her other BIGGER anxieties that are key problem here. Which is what the school didn't help with (not her eating, of course I know it's not their responsibility).

We were both working at home when that used to happen. We would go to the living room and see her scuffing the butter.

I lost weight the first time as a mix of calorie control and exercise.

The second time (baby weight) has all been down to exercise. My diet hasn't changed.

Just today, we're going out and she doesn't want to, and started arguing that she didn't want to, and she'd rather stay home. It was only after "you do what you're told" is that she backed off, but she also started scratching herself.

You said she has developed anxiety and that's the main concern for you? And I really think the scratching herself thing is evidence it really is the main concern.

Apologies, I guess you're looking for advice and I've gone off on a tangent, but it all reads like she's a massive disappointment to you, purely because she's fat.

She'll never lose weight while her mental state and feeling of self-worth is hanging lower than her gut. Good work getting her out and good luck, but please focus on her mental state over her weight...

Hopefully counselling will really help her. It's easy to give you/her advice on here but none of us know what's actually driving her to overeat or feel anxious. You mentioned she did stuff in the evening I think whilst you were at meetings? Maybe it's a cry for attention? She just wants to sabotage her life because she feels it's rubbish. Between her superfit mum and over indulgent dad life's pretty tiring I should think.

She's definitely not a disappointment! I'm very proud of her and tell her daily. I'm very proud of her achievements and encourage her to reach her potential.

For example she wants to be a politician and become prime minister one day. So I've helped her figure out how to get there. She's been to our local council and attended a session.

She's very excited about joining a debate club and how she'll be competing across the county and hopefully nationwide, she asked me if that would be a problem and I reassured that it would never be a hassle.

Like I've said of the competing priorities is one - keep encouraging her and not let her devalue herself. Fixing her mental health is on the same level. I believe her weight will either sort itself out (once her anxiety goes down) or it will be easier to tackle once everything else is more "under control".

Do you think she eats out of boredom? She needs to do things that fill her time.

I've thought that's a possibility but she used to have many after school clubs and still would eat a bit too much

My weight issues started at her age and I went from normal to very overweight very fast.

I was extremely unhappy for a while host of reasons I’m only unpicking now at 45.

Get her counselling before anything else in
my opinion.

If it were easy to fix there would be no fat people. She needs help and not just portion control.

She sounds like a lovely young woman, but I can also understand that if she feels self-conscious and prefers quiet crafty hobbies on her own that a busy parkrun with lots of people may not be her cup of tea.

I wonder if she may enjoy something like gardening if you have a garden or allotment... Could she have a bed to care for - things that need digging, planting, cutting back, carrying a heavy watering can, hauling bags of potting compost in and out of the car and to where it's needed etc; it all provides exercise without being "an exercise" in the same way as running, cycling, swimming etc etc, and is also quite a homebody type hobby, which provides the extrinsic reward of some lovely flowers or nice veg to eat at the end of it. If she got interested, there would be the opportunity to build on it - visiting botanical gardens etc and taking a long walk round for planting inspiration etc...

I also wonder if she may get more enjoyment from more problem-solving type sports, maybe something like bouldering which is very "in" right now, and doesn't need to involve being outside in the elements or being a sweaty mess or being competitive, but will challenge and tone her muscles and will involve physical effort to get herself up the wall.