To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

[iopg]

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

[FrenchandSaunders]

He should be doing just fine on that income! I have adult kids and I think they see as us mortgage free and loaded.

[iopg]

Sorry should say he doesn’t directly ask for money to pay for meals but will ask towards essentials, for example last week he asked for help to get blinds fitted downstairs as house didn’t come with any.

[monsteramunch]

What would I think? I'd think he's a cheeky shit who is either very entitled, making catastrophic financial decisions or both.

[SquirrelRed]

I think your son needs to grow up and start looking after himself. Our household income is less than half of that with 2 young kids to pay for aswell so 65k is definitely more than enough for one person to live off. Tell him to jog on

[PosterBoy]

He isn't asking for money, he is telling you about his life. Would you prefer if he didn't because it makes you feel uncomfortable? Then tell him that.

He is doing fine. Probably takes home about £3500 monthly so his mortgage is about right - less than a third of his net income.

[Abfab63]

I think you've been MORE than generous. Most people have nowhere near this kind of help, if any, and earn much less.

He needs to look at his spending and potentially change his lifestyle if he can't afford it.

[Mytholmroyd]

@monsteramunch

What would I think? I'd think he's a cheeky shit who is either very entitled, making catastrophic financial decisions or both.

This!

[BlackandGold]

That sort of salary should be ample to live on. If he managed to save 20K then he should be ok with budgeting.

No reason for him to be asking for money towards other things. I think a firm No should be your answer. Maybe he just wants to get the house perfect asap.

[SmokeMeAKipperIllBeBackForBreakfast]

My first house didn’t come with blinds or curtains, or even carpet in some rooms! We made do, did without in some rooms and saved up.

It sounds like he is very used to you giving him handouts and doesn’t know how to live within his means.

[iopg]

@SquirrelRed yes we also have never earned that much so to us it seems a lot but then again living costs are high at the moment. DH is very against giving him more.

[BlastedPimples]

Bloody hell. Just say things are tight for you now and you can't.

[YouJustDoYou]

I thought you were going to say your teenage son keeps asking for money! He's a cheeky shit who's become too reliant on the bank of mummy and daddy to bail him out/pay for his shit. He needs to learn to be independent, like a normal, healthy adult.

[buckingmad]

Tbf he probs doesn’t take home as much as you think. Student loan will probably be £250 a month, then pension contributions. Then assuming he has commuting costs?

But yes he should be able to make do. He’s probably just trying it on, just don’t do it?

[AbacusAvocado]

He should be fine on that income.

I have one brother who would ask/hint for money in his late twenties - I think honestly he just assumed our parents had loads of cash and hadn’t really grown up!

My dad said before he’d give any more cash they should sit down together and go through my brother’s budgeting and see how he could save better. Turned out he had all kind of unnecessary expenses, and when my dad started pointing out that our parents focused on saving at a similar age/didn’t have all these luxuries my brother got his life in order a bit more.

[Jmaho]

We lived on a salary of this much for a few years with a similar mortgage payment, 4 kids and childcare
£65k is around £3700 a month with pension deducted then student loan taken out also after this
But well over 3 grand a month
Even with his mortgage he has 2 grand a month to cover all bills and food
Where on earth is it going?

[largeprintagathachristie]

OMG I can’t believe that he isn’t embarrassed to be acting like this and that you are considering his requests.

[PosterBoy]

Ah I missed your update. Well - he should be able to afford blinds on £3500 monthly, minus say £2k max for bills and mortgage.

Does he also spend a fortune on car payments or train fares?

Have debts he needs to pay off?

Perhaps the best help you could give him is financial budget advice

[iopg]

@buckingmad

Tbf he probs doesn’t take home as much as you think. Student loan will probably be £250 a month, then pension contributions. Then assuming he has commuting costs?

But yes he should be able to make do. He’s probably just trying it on, just don’t do it?

@buckingmad yes he has student loans so I do feel bad we haven’t helped with those as I know they are a big thing. We thought house deposit was more important.

[BertieBotts]

Er, aren't you worried about what he's spending it all on? Surely that's a drug habit, gambling addiction etc if he doesn't have any dependents and doesn't have obvious signs of spending like several fancy cars. 1k is a perfectly normal rent/mortgage payment these days, (not saying it's not a large amount, but it's not uncommon) and not a huge amount out of a 65k salary, he should have nearly 3k left a month? No idea how much student loan repayments are but surely they aren't that much.

[andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow]

Your DS needs to grow the fuck up.

[BarbaraofSeville]

Yes, every time he asks for money or complains about not being able to afford X, Y or Z, send him links to budgeting courses/advice.

He has about £2.5k after his mortgage to pay for everything else. Just for him. Some people have less than that for a whole family and manage fine.

[PosterBoy]

I'd also be thinking secret debt tbh. I know you say he didn't have any but gambling runs them up quickly

[maddiemookins16mum]

He’s taking the piss.

[Greyfoot]

I'd be really disappointed if an adult child I'd already given £50k to couldn't manage on £65k pa.

Are you sure he's not just mentioning it rather than indirectly asking for more? TBH as long as I know adult DC aren't destitute, I'm quite happy for them to "struggle" a bit. If they can't afford a meal out so be it. He's made his choices and spent it elsewhere, which is fine, but means he can't go out to dinner.

I wouldn't be buying blinds either unless it was e.g a birthday present or a one off housewarming present. He can manage without blinds or improvise, until he can afford them.

I honestly don't think we help them by helping too much.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@iopg

Sorry should say he doesn’t directly ask for money to pay for meals but will ask towards essentials, for example last week he asked for help to get blinds fitted downstairs as house didn’t come with any.

Just,no.

Tell him you're concerned on his great wage that he's struggling so much financially and does he need to talk to you about any problems he's having - is he under pressure from his mates to maintain a certain lifestyle or go to Casinos etc. Ask him if he wants you to help him go through his budget because he shouldn't be finding things this hard, and you want to help but you can't afford for it to be financial after the 50k you've given him.

He's on a damn good wage. He should be treating you, not sponging off his near retirement? retired? parents.

So unattractive