Is there a name for this sort of behaviour? Or am I the problem?

[BopSd]

I have a two year old with my ex partner. When I say I have tried hard over the last two years to be amicable, open, friendly and supportive of his relationship with DD, that is an understatement. I feel I have gone above and beyond to be caring to a man who essentially left me shortly after birth and didn’t support me in any way until DD was almost one.

However, I accept that he may have felt I was part of the cause of the breakup. I don’t believe I was, but for argument’s sake let’s say we each were to blame.

As ex is very intermittent with Dd, I have on occasion said that if he can’t be consistent then I am going to have to be transparent about that with her nursery because i am worried they will refer to her dad as if he is a constant presence and it will upset her. She is already confused that he is not always around. He can go weeks and weeks without being in touch.

when I say this, he tells me I am threatening him and he can’t trust me… I don’t think the way I express it is unkind, it’s very factual, ‘dd notices you’re not around, are you intending to be consistent with her or will you largely be absent because I think people close to her should be aware?’

is he being a dick to say that is threatening? Or am I doing something wrong here? My head spins with this man and I feel I can never do right. Im open to being told im the issue though!

Gaslighting?

Both. You aren’t being direct with and are threatening to tell others on him. Saying your being inconsistent with DD and that isn’t fair on her because she feels sad and confused because she misses you is fine to say. In my opinion saying your going to tell on him to try and get him to change his behaviour isn’t great communication. If you need to tell nursery something just tell them.

He sounds like a shitty dad but... have you already presented it to nursery as though he is involved in her life? I don't think nurseries these days necessarily presume that everyone is in a mum+dad+two kids setup.

Well, you are being threatening, although I don't blame you.

I'd say the better option is just not to say anything to him. But go ahead and tell nursery that he's not consistently around so that they're aware.

It does come across as threatening to publicly shame him to keep him in line, though I know that's not your intention at all.

Btw I think the psychological word you're looking for is triangulation – an example would be, in an argument between 2 people, bringing up an unrelated 3rd person as being "on your side" against the other person.

Most schools these days say "parent" rather than default to Mummy and Daddy assumptions. I think if you think it's important, just let them know her dad is sometimes but not always in her life. The exact truth is useful for them to use discretion and know when to bring him up and when not to.

Also I think you sound pretty reasonable but in a discussion about his inconsistency, I think the primary concern/topic of discussion should be DD's welfare and not what other people think/know.

But a two year old is not going to be in the slightest phased that her Dad isn't around, she isn't used to him being around, so him being intermittent is just normal life to her, and not upsetting in the slightest

I would just tell the nursery. He won’t change and there’s no point expecting him to, it’s just agro and disappointment.

It is threatening him in a way, that you’ll “out” him as a shitty father. Absolutely understand why you feel the need to say that to him, he is a shitty father and should feel ashamed of it. However it is not helping anything at all.

I'd say the better option is just not to say anything to him. But go ahead and tell nursery that he's not consistently around so that they're aware.

I agree with this. Just keep him out of it and you talk to nursery from your POV keeping the welfare of your DD at heart.

You have to be clear with all involved that you are a single parent, he as dad is second emergency contact that Dad is involved but there's no consistent pattern of contact. You don't need to explain or excuse his behaviour.

With him stop questioning, threatening or attempting to influence him. He's shown himself to be unreliable, you've no control over that it's on him. Yes, it is a death by a thousand cuts to have a parent that is, at best, flakey but all you can control is being a constant for your child. They realise this very young, where things are safe and stable. He will probably be the fun parent for some visits and eventually will attract resentment even contempt as they grow and recognise the flaws in him as an adult. Only he can control his relationship with his child

Thanks all for the responses. I think I was hoping it would push him into thinking properly about his intentions and being honest with me about it? I actually said please just be honest about things so I can manage her expectations better. I probably have approached it wrongly. I just want him to be clear so we all know where we stand.

@Sidslaw sadly she is asking after him so it is affecting her.

That makes no sense, why on earth would she? Every child has people who they see occasionally, grandparent, aunty, window cleaner, family friend, and there would be no reason for them to ask after that person

You are saying he is only in her life intermittently, but so must dozens of other people be - why would she be asking about him, or missing him?

I suspect either you are projecting, or you are saying something to her to confuse her.

@Sidslaw i’ve not tried to influence her either way. The questions and upset began shortly after she went to nursery. She asks about others but mainly him.

Yanbu to think that he can and should do better but shaming him into contact isn't going to change his ways. He should want to see dd because he loves her and not because he's afraid of what others think.
I know it's tough parenting alone and I suspect that you don't mean to come across as blackmailing but I don't understand why you don't just tell nursery what you want and not involve him in that. They will be used to all kinds of contact patterns including parents who never see their child.

Why do you think that is? Very very odd indeed. Why would she?

What kind of expectations does she have of him? Did he ever see her regularly ? Is she asking because she sees fathers picking up their kids from nursery or because she has read a book/tv programme with dads being involved?

If she was older and had a routine like daddy sees her on Saturdays then I'd understand the confusion when that routine ended. If he's always been flaky then you have no choice but to say you don't know when daddy will see her next which is sad but truthful. Did you split up because he was flaky by any chance ?

You are his ex- there will be a part of him that doesn't want to do as you say. Plus he's probably very unaware of how much effort you've put in to keep things amicable.

@BoohooWoohoo @Sidslaw it’s come up since Father’s Day when they made drawings of a day out with their dads and shared them in the group.

I think you will find that fathers day is irrelevant to many kids, and I find it hard to believe any child care setting "celebrates" it

@Sidslaw I don’t think it was celebrated but cards were made with drawings in. Dd is nearly three and explained that they showed what they did with their dads 🤷🏼‍♀️

It reads like you are threatening to tell nursery if he is t more consistent with his daughter. What are you hoping to achieve by telling him this. Are you hoping he will feel shame and make more of an effort? I'd be honest with nursery about home life but tbh it's none of his business what you say to nursery.

@Autieangel i think I’m trying to push him to clarify what he actually wants so we all know where we stand. He’s so intermittent and up and down and it makes it hard for us all and now it’s affecting Dd I had had enough. I’ve probably gone about it all the wrong way but I have literally been asking him for months to be clear about what he actually wants. He won’t ever say or come to an arrangement.

He's being manipulative because he knows it gets to you.

Grey rock, act as though you could not care less whether he sees DD or not and it's totally up to him. Don't ask him to explain his intentions - that just means he has fodder to say one thing and do another.

When he gets bored because he can no longer wind you up he will probably just melt away out of her life, maybe appearing briefly in spurts when he has a new girlfriend that he needs to impress.

There is a pattern to it. They are all basically the same. Nurseries are used to all kinds of family set ups, it won't be a problem. The only time you ever need to communicate with them about him is if he was a flight risk and needed to be banned from collecting her. Otherwise they will figure out what their relationship is (or you could explicitly and privately tell them that he is a bit flakey - not in front of DD.)

He is being an absolute dick but you won't make it any better by calling it out and might possibly make it worse because you're clearly feeding back to him that it bothers you. Just leave him to it, and try to be factual and neutral with DD - she'll figure it out when she is old enough. With DS1 we had conversations like "Some daddies live with their children and some live somewhere else".

Hi @BertieBotts thanks. I have got to the point where I do think he’s better not in her life at all if this is how he is going to be. For the first year I was desperate for him to be part of her life but I’ve sort of let that go now and accepted he may well never be the decent man I believed he was. At this point I am just totally exhausted by the fact he can’t just be clear and say ‘I can’t see her weekly, I’ll see her monthly’ … or whatever it is he wants to do. I just wanted clarity so we could all get on with our lives. I’ve obviously go about it the wrong way, I feel like I can never win with him though, doesn’t matter how nice I am or how understanding.

Two year olds understand the difference between a parent and a window cleaner. It really, really isn’t odd for a child to ask where their father is in his absence and it’s actually you who sounds incredibly odd and like you have some sort of agenda in pretending it is.