Page 3 | Is there a name for this sort of behaviour? Or am I the problem?

BopSd · 2023-09-06T13:56:04+00:00

I have a two year old with my ex partner. When I say I have tried hard over the last two years to be amicable, open, friendly and supportive of his relationship with DD, that is an understatement. I feel I have gone above and beyond to be caring to a man who essentially left me shortly after birth and didn’t support me in any way until DD was almost one. However, I accept that he may have felt I was part of the cause of the breakup. I don’t believe I was, but for argument’s sake let’s say we each were to blame. As ex is very intermittent with Dd, I have on occasion said that if he can’t be consistent then I am going to have to be transparent about that with her nursery because i am worried they will refer to her dad as if he is a constant presence and it will upset her. She is already confused that he is not always around. He can go weeks and weeks without being in touch. when I say this, he tells me I am threatening him and he can’t trust me… I don’t think the way I express it is unkind, it’s very factual, ‘dd notices you’re not around, are you intending to be consistent with her or will you largely be absent because I think people close to her should be aware?’ is he being a dick to say that is threatening? Or am I doing something wrong here? My head spins with this man and I feel I can never do right. Im open to being told im the issue though!

itsgettingweird · 07/09/2023 07:23

Agree with not telling him what you're telling nursery - but do tell the people who care for her.

My ds dad was absent. Lived abroad and had phone contact. One day in infants they were making Father's Day cards and ds just made a card. TA who I'm sure was trying to be helpful said if he wants to write it to his dad then school will arrange to send it to him.

His dad wasn't even on contact details. I didn't have an address with him. I had to address it with school afterwards who thought I was being unreasonable as they'd tried to do a nice thing. Didn't matter how much I said it wasn't a complaint but just for future reference it caused more unnecessary upset than it needed to and it became about them and not ds who it should have been about.

They didn't even Cotton on the the fact he addressed it "dear dad name" rather than "dear dad"

MiddleParking · 07/09/2023 09:42

Sidslaw · 07/09/2023 05:45

But WHY would this upset her? It makes no sense at all. Nothing there to upset a child - she doesn't have much contact with her father, that is what she is used to, she probably doesn't see him as a significant care giver, this whole story makes no sense at all

It is like saying " The nursery children made pictures of woodpeckers, and my child is upset because the woodpecker in our garden doesn't come as often as the woodpecker in other people's gardens, should I warn the nursery not to mention it in case it upsets her" She will see a woodpecker when she sees a woodpecker and she will see the man she calls daddy when she sees the man she calls daddy - neither one is going to be considered a loss to her is she doesn't see them, they are just personalities that appear and disappear from her life, and she is used to that, and would not expect anything else

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Unless the other children at nursery are talking about and being dropped off and picked up by mummy and a woodpecker, and she’s watching programmes on tv where children live with their mummies and woodpeckers, and she’s going to the supermarket and seeing other children discussing which flavour of yoghurts they like with their woodpecker, and they’re making woodpecker’s day cards to take home, I’m not sure this analogy quite works.

BertieBotts · 07/09/2023 10:34

That's good to hear, Ponoka. Perhaps it's a more recent change, I could be out of date. Most of my experience/what I've read/heard/seen is from a few years ago now.

IME it was around 2.5-3 when DS1 started to become aware of the fact that other children had dads who were more involved, and trying to make sense of what that meant for him, hence all the "I don't have a dad/other people have a Daddy but I have a <name>". They do notice, it does affect them. DS1 is now struggling with anxiety as a teenager, no idea if he would have been like that anyway, or whether his dad being flakey contributed. I think it's likely that it has. But there's nothing I can do about it other than being there for him. Actually we just ended up moving far away so XP did not really have the option to bob in and out of his life on a whim. It wasn't the main reason that we moved but it was a nice bonus!

Original poster

BopSd · 07/09/2023 11:09

MiddleParking · 07/09/2023 09:42

Unless the other children at nursery are talking about and being dropped off and picked up by mummy and a woodpecker, and she’s watching programmes on tv where children live with their mummies and woodpeckers, and she’s going to the supermarket and seeing other children discussing which flavour of yoghurts they like with their woodpecker, and they’re making woodpecker’s day cards to take home, I’m not sure this analogy quite works.

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@MiddleParking laughed a lot at this

OP posts:

Original poster

BopSd · 07/09/2023 11:11

BertieBotts · 07/09/2023 10:34

That's good to hear, Ponoka. Perhaps it's a more recent change, I could be out of date. Most of my experience/what I've read/heard/seen is from a few years ago now.

IME it was around 2.5-3 when DS1 started to become aware of the fact that other children had dads who were more involved, and trying to make sense of what that meant for him, hence all the "I don't have a dad/other people have a Daddy but I have a <name>". They do notice, it does affect them. DS1 is now struggling with anxiety as a teenager, no idea if he would have been like that anyway, or whether his dad being flakey contributed. I think it's likely that it has. But there's nothing I can do about it other than being there for him. Actually we just ended up moving far away so XP did not really have the option to bob in and out of his life on a whim. It wasn't the main reason that we moved but it was a nice bonus!

@BertieBotts sorry to hear you have gone through that. Why are some men so awful?! I am not convinced ex would try and see ds at all if I didn’t encourage it. Would your advice be to not encourage it so there’s not an up and down situation and it’s just factual that dad isn’t ever around? Did your ds mention it always as he grew up? Does he mention it now? I worry this is now going to be a constant thing.

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BertieBotts · 07/09/2023 17:02

Yes, I think it's probably less damaging if they are either completely absent or consistently present, I think the in/out thing is one of the worst things for them. I might be wrong though, that's just what I felt personally. I didn't really do anything either to encourage or discourage, just left it up to XP and then once he hadn't bothered to see him for 2+ years I felt like whatever, I may as well assume he's not interested.

He has asked about him and I've always been factual but neutral not saying that he didn't want to be around etc just vague things like perhaps it was difficult for him or perhaps he was very busy with work. He has access to photos of him but doesn't tend to look at them very often.

He is now of an age where he could go looking for him if he wanted to, but he doesn't seem to have any interest, I think he is happy enough with DH who has been in his life since he was 2.

GingerIsBest · 07/09/2023 17:08

BertieBotts · 07/09/2023 17:02

Yes, I think it's probably less damaging if they are either completely absent or consistently present, I think the in/out thing is one of the worst things for them. I might be wrong though, that's just what I felt personally. I didn't really do anything either to encourage or discourage, just left it up to XP and then once he hadn't bothered to see him for 2+ years I felt like whatever, I may as well assume he's not interested.

He has asked about him and I've always been factual but neutral not saying that he didn't want to be around etc just vague things like perhaps it was difficult for him or perhaps he was very busy with work. He has access to photos of him but doesn't tend to look at them very often.

He is now of an age where he could go looking for him if he wanted to, but he doesn't seem to have any interest, I think he is happy enough with DH who has been in his life since he was 2.

I agree - I think consistently here or consistently not here is best. My dad and one of my close friends both had dads who were consistently NOT here. Overall, I think it's allowed both of them to take the view that very clearly their dads were dickheads. Where as inconsistent popping in and out sends mixed messages and I suspect comes with a lot of guilt and anxiety - did I do something wrong when I saw daddy last time, is that why he didn't come to my birthday party? - sort of thing.

I have a friend going through this currently. It's hell.

billy1966 · 07/09/2023 17:14

I think in and out of her life as suits him must be awful for any child to experience.

Disappointment and being made to feel unimportant to someone is deeply wounding.

A wound that would remain and crush her.

I would do my best to remove his power to hurt her little spirit.

Stop considering him at all.

He doesn't deserve your consideration.

Loser.

Original poster

BopSd · 07/09/2023 17:18

@billy1966 @GingerIsBest @BertieBotts thanks for your helpful posts.

I do feel I’ve done enough to encourage and support him seeing her and he’s been truly awful. It’s been months since he last did and he won’t say when he next is able to. He’s not even working at the moment, on a career break… so he has plenty of time to do something with her (and plenty of money). I find it warped, sad and sickening. I can’t actually believe people like him exist.

I actually used to wish he had died which I know is awful, but I felt that would be easier for DD in future if there was a simpler explanation like that. You know, rather than ‘your dad’s a selfish c*.’

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BoohooWoohoo · 07/09/2023 18:37

I understand your point about wishing he would commit to something even once a year contact but he's clearly too selfish to consider his DD's feelings. As sad as it is, you need to let it go because he will enjoy the fact that you are chasing him for clarification and that you are getting stressed over it. Assume he's not interested and wait to see if he contacts you. My guess is that in December he will want to organise a Christmas meeting because it's an occasion that will make himself feel good and look like a good dad.
I know how hard single parenthood is but you need to ditch unnecessary headfucks so you have the energy for you and your dd.

billy1966 · 08/09/2023 07:30

Well I think of a version of some men are great dads and some men are not is better than a bunch of lies about him him being a goid decent man when he clearly is not.

Obviously age appropriate language is important, "Adult relationships are very difficult to under stand being a start".

Could you reach out for advice on here or elsewhere on how best to frame that "your father is a selfish loser who refuses to commit to regular contact with you and I don't want you to take it personally that he is such a complete waster".?

In age appropriate language.
Whilst reassuring her that lots of children do not have present fathers but her mum loves her so so much and everything will be ok.

In your place I would be 100% putting what is best for her and would treat him like the nothing he is.

Boredombeckons · 09/09/2023 17:40

Sidslaw · 06/09/2023 17:29

That makes no sense, why on earth would she? Every child has people who they see occasionally, grandparent, aunty, window cleaner, family friend, and there would be no reason for them to ask after that person

You are saying he is only in her life intermittently, but so must dozens of other people be - why would she be asking about him, or missing him?

I suspect either you are projecting, or you are saying something to her to confuse her.

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Your posts read like you're being defensive or in denial yourself. It's probably healthier to acknowledge that the inconsistent presence of a parent greatly affects children, as strongly evidenced in the (research) literature. There are certainly ways to preclude or remedy that so your child grows up loved and socioemotionally healthy (which OP clearly intends for her child), but denial is probably not a great first step!