Worried my ' strong' sister isn't so strong when it come to her husband?

[beigeisthemood]

So much to write but the bottom line is that my lovely sister, who appears strong and at times main decision maker in the home ... she is a SAHM... isn't so strong after all.

I'm worried that her husband is being a little controlling actually. I really like him and he is very helpful and generous but can be a Johnny big balls at times.... refers to their home and general assets as his in company etc ... that type.
They have a busy and open house. Both close to family but his family spend a huge amount of time there.
They have had family stay for months at a time while waiting to move into their new home. Six of them. Serious special needs ( this is relevant) alcohol use and aggressive behaviours.
Then others who are going through divorce, drug use, criminal activity for to addiction etc. They are very Christian.

So here is my AIBU. My son has been poorly in mood for last few years. Down in himself. Refused to go to school. Became a recluse and then rude, nasty and at times verbally abusive.Refused to help arroyos the house and farm, I am a lone parent with other wains.

It has been awful and awful to live with him.

My sis and I chatted last evening and she told me that she had chatted to her hubby who straight away shot down the idea of my son staying there for a while to sort himself.

I am surprised but not surprised.
I wouldn't be excited about having him there but I know they would be strict and there would be strong rules.I was unable to manage him eventually.

However , he is in a bad place and they , as a couple of have many stay with them, who have been violent, abusive, drug and alcohol addicts, aggressive. All from his family.

I can't help it feel that I have lost complete respect for my bil but more so , my sister.
AIBU

PS My son is not an alcoholic, a drug user, a criminal hut can be verbally aggressive and horrid inside the house . Never outside. Never to other family or to his friends.depressed perhaps but won't get help.

Could you get someone to come round in the day to keep him company? Try and encourage him to go out etc
might get him up and about if someone was to spend time with him while you worked, maybe someone who has the same interests as him?

I am very giving and generous with my time and support to my sis and bil and have always gone over and above so I am disappointed but certainly take on the points that it would be too much on top of all the other dysfunction in their home at any given time.

Time to stop giving to them and focus on your son.

It sounds like your sister is being abused but the answer is not add more to her workload.

I really feel for you

I have spent countless days and weekends minding her kids. I've brought them
On holiday and spent
My own holidays from work with her to help when they were toddlers as they were close in age and her husband was busy.
I have gone over above and more.

Never have I suggested that my bil save my child. I suggest you read the full thread. Your ignorance is striking.

Don’t let this come between you and your sister op. It sounds like you need every bit of support possible and this would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I understand a little of what you’re going through, both in dealing with a dc with school refusal and in being let down by people that you thought had your back. It hurts. A lot. And it’s just incredibly fucking lonely to be where you are.

Just a thought but would it make a difference to talk directly to your bil - not behind your sisters back obviously, and only if she didn’t mind. Even asking her this will give you an inkling if the objection is mostly his, or partly hers.

You've said your son can be verbally aggressive and horrid - maybe your BIL doesn't want to risk exposing his kids to that? It's so off to say you've lost respect for him and your DS when really, why should it be their problem?

I wouldn’t be housing ANY violent aggressive relatives regardless of the relationship. I think your sister has been hugely irresponsible in doing so with young children, it can’t be nice for them to have this toxicity in their own home.

What is stopping you from kicking your son out?

I would stop all of that. They sound like users.

@AnIndianWoman I wanted help, support and a break from family who have an open house for my bil family , a family that I have supported all their lives.
If I wanted anyone else to parent him I would have dropped him at his fathers house a long time ago. Or had him sectioned. Or kicked him out.
Again, please read this thread.

I think everyone's read the thread, they just have a different perspective to you.
You are also outright ignoring any advice and only responding to perceived criticism. I'm not sure what you'd like people to do - you've had a couple of people who seem to share your view on it so maybe you could just take comfort from that?

Has it occurred to you, that because you and your sister maybe so close, she don’t have the hearty to tell you neither want him there but it was easier for her to tell you that he short it down.

You have implied your sister is being controlled (ie abused) based on this one thing. A conversation that you didn’t hear. You don’t know actually what was said.

It actually seems this is more of a situation where you are angry at him for not getting what you want, so are adding this narrative in.

My sons dad and his aunt and uncle don't want him and he knows that.

Do you not think you should be more irritated that your sons own parent wants to abdicate from his parental responsibilities than being annoyed at your sister and bil for not picking them up?

So sorry to hear things are tough for you and your son at the moment. I used to work in non-mainstream education and completely understand how little support there is for young people in your son’s position.

Not sure how helpful it is but your sister and BIL’s situation with his family reminded me of my own. DH’s family is very dysfunctional and until recently we frequently had his adult family members to stay. Their family issues include severe physical and mental health problems, drug addiction, violence, death threats and putting themselves in dangerous/ risky situations (so possibly not too dissimilar to your BIL’s family). However, in our case, the root cause is my MIL’s emotional abuse and coercive control so DH (who mercifully was less affected growing up than the rest of the family) felt very strongly that he wanted to support the family members to get away from her influence and hopefully make positive changes. Unfortunately, alongside trying to support them we were also going through infertility, loss and multiple IVF cycles and as their behaviour escalated it became too much and we had to stop.

I could quite easily see that if my sibling were in your position and we said we weren’t able to help that they might feel as you do. My husband wouldn’t necessarily want me to share with my sibling why he was happy to host his relatives for months at a time as it’s very personal and I also didn’t tell my sibling about the fertility struggles. I know DH also felt that if things with his relatives escalated and he needed to tell them to leave or step in physically that he could do so but I don’t think that would be the case if there were a teenage nephew on my side staying with us. I’m not suggesting any of these things apply in your sister and BIL’s case but I thought it might help to see an example of the ‘other side’.

I hope things improve for you and your son soon.

I have accepted that years ago. He is an abusive bastard that no one wants to be near. He would be more damaging to his mental health.

@kipperba Interestingly, the people that shared comfort are those who have experience of this......

Hi PP. sorry you are going through all this. When you say your SIL and BIL have had these relatives from his side staying - were these adults?

I mean this gently, but just because they had Uncle Bob who attends AA or whatever, doesn't really qualify them as the go-to respite house for teenagers, who they would feel much more responsible for.

It does sound like they also have a lot on with three kids under 7.

A variety of people with these issues from 10-60 years of age.

No, lots of people have shared comfort with you whilst also telling you that YABU, its not totally black and white.

@beigeisthemood I shared comfort, as have lots of other people. we also gave suggestions.
Comfort is not agreeing with you blindly.

If you had spent this time looking after yourself, your needs you probably wouldn’t be feeling as desperate as you are now.

You can’t keep pouring from an empty cup. Look after yourself and everything else will follow.

But that is what you do want
You want your BIL to sort him out as he won't act like that in their house

It's very worrying that children under 7 are living with the kind of people you describe. That's not ok. It doesn't make living with your son (who is clearly not someone to bring into children's lives) ok either. No one could condone that.

There's this - and seriously, if the people who are staying there are as bad as you say, why would you want your son around them? The whole situation sounds awful for everyone involved.

Isn’t your son too old for school now? If he’s been a school refuser for years I presume he has either low grade or no GCSEs so wouldn’t be eligible to go into 6th form. What are you expecting your sister and bil to do with him? They can no more make him go to work or college than you can.