Worried my ' strong' sister isn't so strong when it come to her husband?

[beigeisthemood]

So much to write but the bottom line is that my lovely sister, who appears strong and at times main decision maker in the home ... she is a SAHM... isn't so strong after all.

I'm worried that her husband is being a little controlling actually. I really like him and he is very helpful and generous but can be a Johnny big balls at times.... refers to their home and general assets as his in company etc ... that type.
They have a busy and open house. Both close to family but his family spend a huge amount of time there.
They have had family stay for months at a time while waiting to move into their new home. Six of them. Serious special needs ( this is relevant) alcohol use and aggressive behaviours.
Then others who are going through divorce, drug use, criminal activity for to addiction etc. They are very Christian.

So here is my AIBU. My son has been poorly in mood for last few years. Down in himself. Refused to go to school. Became a recluse and then rude, nasty and at times verbally abusive.Refused to help arroyos the house and farm, I am a lone parent with other wains.

It has been awful and awful to live with him.

My sis and I chatted last evening and she told me that she had chatted to her hubby who straight away shot down the idea of my son staying there for a while to sort himself.

I am surprised but not surprised.
I wouldn't be excited about having him there but I know they would be strict and there would be strong rules.I was unable to manage him eventually.

However , he is in a bad place and they , as a couple of have many stay with them, who have been violent, abusive, drug and alcohol addicts, aggressive. All from his family.

I can't help it feel that I have lost complete respect for my bil but more so , my sister.
AIBU

PS My son is not an alcoholic, a drug user, a criminal hut can be verbally aggressive and horrid inside the house . Never outside. Never to other family or to his friends.depressed perhaps but won't get help.

It is different having a troubled adult stay with you to having a troubled child (even if they're a young adult) stay on their own. The latter implies much more responsibility and care. That could be the reason.
I agree with @tattygrl and this was my immediate thinking as well. If they have their own DC it might send a very complicated message. One thing a cousin around your age or older is being rude. He might be a role model. Whereas when your uncle Charlie (who is in his 40s or 50s) is being rude he is just a silly old man for your sister’s children and won’t count as a role model.

It sounds like a nightmare OP, and I'm sorry your son is like this.

But, I think your sister has likely reached her limit and maybe can't contemplate dealing with your son and his issues. To be fair, neither would I.
I think its quite extreme to have "lost all respect " for your sister because she won't do what you want.

Does he like bil? Can he spend a day with him a week? Having been through this ( perhaps not as determined as your son), I don't think people realise you have no legs to stand on. I do think removing phone/ Wi-Fi / gaming is good for encouraging good sleep patterns. However you've got a depressed teen who stays up all night so you've no chance of getting him up. The only other thing is someone else trying who won't get so upset and taking him to their house. So for 2 weeks could they encourage him out and to go with them and back to yours for dinner. You're trying to change the landscape and give him another perspective. Agree with whoever who said sending him away will cause more problems. It's so difficult and it takes bloody months. Does he want to pass his exams? Or go to uni? Is it a lack of friends issue? That's another problem with removing social media access.

Sorry posted too soon, However it is possible that your BIL treats his own family differently and that your Sister is in a controlling relationship (hope not) it’s just impossible to draw any conclusions from your example

Thank you. I will be doing that this evening. I have also reported a rather nasty woman and her comment has been removed swiftly with a lovely message from HQ.

^^ This.

I don't blame your brother in law and sister. I wouldn't want to take that on either. Parenting is so hard at times but you have to keep going

Usual MN of undisguised contempt for the parents of children with mental health difficulties. It's not your parenting and no, ultimatley there isn't any help or support structure that will intervene. Children services are just a 'holding list' for adult services, with the occasional 'group therapy' that gets cancelled half way through.

How old are your sisters kids? It could be that they don't want your son's behaviour rubbing off on their own children. It's alot different, taking on responsibility for a troubled minor, than an adult with issues, as the adult is responsible for their own actions. Putting a 17 year old with these sorts of problems on to their family wouldn't really be fair, especially as they have children of their own to consider. Maybe your sister actually didn't want to have him, there, but deflected the blame for that decision onto her husband so not to look like the bad guy for saying no. Making it appear not her choice, means she doesn't look like the bad guy. With regards to your son, I'm really sorry you're going through this op. It sounds awful, and draining and I can only imagine how difficult life must seem right now, and how it's all fallen on your shoulders isn't fair at all. You say there's no drugs or illegal behaviour involved, so I guess the main worry at the moment is his future, Carrer aspects, and general life, and the priority needs to be getting him out of this "phase". I'd make it very clear to him that once he turns 18, he'll be expected to contribute towards the household bills, and he will need a job to do that. If he can't contribute, then he will have to move out. Give him something to think about. Hold on in there, hopefully he's just still struggling with teenage hormones and there will be a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. For all of you. X

My bil is a very hard working man and a great father. He is traditional and
Old fashioned in his discipline and he is proud of that.
I like him but he does like to be seen as a saviour and the one with all his shit together, shows off and in many ways he does. His kids are great but they have their own issues too. One of his girls is charming and funny but cheeky and defiant. The teenage years will be interesting. They are all undre7.
He rules with an iron hand.

Maybe my son was too big a challenge but gosh it would have helped us at all at little cost to them for a week or so. He would never behave like that there. With me, my son broke my spirit totally and affected my own mental
Health and coping mechanisms
and played on the gaps where I had to work and parent my other children as well as hold down a full time job.
He treats me like shit on his shoe so I try to have as little interaction as possible until I figure out about psychiatric intervention.

I see all points but remain disappointed.

Thankyou.

Your framing of the problem as being your sister not being strong is an unusual approach OP. The issue appears to be you feel you've exhausted all avenues and could do with a break (understandably). You don't seem to want to accept that your sister could say no to this and that be her decision. I have a family member in a similar situation to you with two teenage school refusers. I feel desperately sorry for them but there is no way I'd have the kids moving in with me. The disruption to my family dynamic would be too much. My DH would agree (I'm the equivalent relative of your BIL). What do you think your sister would be able to achieve that professionals have failed to do?

My sisters kids are under7. They have been living with family members who have addiction, violence and abuse issues.

That is clearly not the problem when it came to my son.
The problem it may be is that my son is not his nephew by blood.

Also, just to add, my sister (large age gap) was like this as a teen, kicked out of school, moved to a unit for "difficult teens" which was a drive away. She'd refuse to get in the car for my mum, and make her late for work, so I'd leave work to go and pick her up and take her, and 9 times out of 10, she's abscond before midday. It was a bloody nightmare, she just didn't give a shit about the stress she was causing. She was so awful to my mum, and I'd have frequent strong words with her, she'd act all remorseful, and then would continue the behaviour the next day. Nothing worked at that age with her. Nothing. Once she was 18, her friends had jobs and were doing stuff with their lives, she suddenly changed, decided actually having no money wasn't great, got a job, moved in with her boyfriend and has grown up immeasurably. She's a completely different person now, we get on really well, and I actually can't believe what a swine she once was. Some teens, the hormones hit hard, and they really do struggle. I hope he will find his way too, but I completely sympathise, and know that the situation you're in now must feel unbearable. Hang on in there op. X

I guess my sister and my son get on great. He has listened to her in the past.
I'm clutching at straws. I know that.
She is kind and welcoming and I believe hands down it is him. She had no reason to say that. She is well able to say that herself. I just see this change, that is all.

I can understand why they've had a belly ful of issues come through their gate and maybe have had enough now.
It stings. We've always had a great support system. But definitely over last few years that I think of, it's become all about his decisions and his family.

Ahhh this is so hard for you and wish I had an easier answer here. If my sister asked me this and I didn't have the energy to take it on, I'd chat to my husband about how to turn it down. He'd almost certainly say "just say I won't accept it at all" so the conversation is closed down so that he's the bad guy (harder to argue with him and keeps family relationship in tact). I suspect he's looking out for his wife who would be too emotionally involved with your son and would find it harder than his relatives who she's not attached to. I can't have my nephew here for similar reasons. I keep my distance a little because he lives overseas most of the time and I can't get too attached or I'd worry he'd be here forever as he's a wonderful boy, but with little support. I'd happily have my nieces who are harder work, but I'm not as emotionally attached to and wouldn't feel the need to parent because they have other support.

I really think calling your sister weak is contemptible. You can remain disappointed all you like but this is nothing to do with either of them, they do not have a duty to offer this to you.

I understand it is very hard for you, but I dont understand at what point you've turned that on your sister and BIL and are name calling? This has nothing to do with contempt for parents of SEN children as another poster suggested, this is to do with the absolutely absurdity of this thread.

You seem to have quite a lot of bitterness towards him and them as a family, could they have picked up on that?
I suspect your sister may be using her husband as an excuse at least partially.
I'm really sorry about what you're going through with your son, do you have any other family he could stay with? Or a school friend's family perhaps?

Sorry you are having such struggles with your son OP.

From your post it seems that your BIL and sister are good kind people who have often tried to help others.

Clearly they don't think that they can help your son. (It could be one of them or both of them - but they seem to be in agreement.) This is sad and I can see that you do need a break... but they know your son and the situation well so they are likely to be right.

I didn't think I felt bitterness but disappointed.
They have had far more disturbed and dangerous individuals stay with them but can't take my Son for a week
Or two as per bils decision.
I'm disappointed and hurt.

Perhaps they have picked up on your thoughts about him as a parent (ruling with an iron fist) and their children (saying that they have issues and are defiant) and his family (saying they are disturbed individuals) and did not feel obliged to help you.
I think there's been some good recommendations made in this thread on ways you could try to help your son which all seem like a Better use of energy than projecting the blame onto your BIL.
I'm sorry again for what you're going through - my brother had a similar stage during his teens (I was younger) and I know how hard it was on my mum. He went to stay with a school friend for a while (I think it was about a month but felt forever to me at the time!) and this really helped.

Awww @OP you sound like you have carer's burn out. That's really shitty.

I think your sister is within her rights to say no but that isn't great for you and respite.

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong here tbh, and I wouldn’t want to live with a troubled teen either. That’s a situation that requires two yes votes. You haven’t said that your sister was denied the power to veto when it came to his family members.

It sounds horrendous and lonely for your son and for you. Do you think your sister might host a sleepover for your younger dc instead? It would give you a break from some of the parenting. It sounds like she supports you emotionally but can’t manage your ds. An argumentative relative that can go home is a different prospect to a severely mentally unstable child.

Op, can you get some counselling? Support? An afternoon massage? A night off with a babysitter? If you can’t do much more for your son, then focus on yourself and building strength.

Are you really going to kick him out? He is still a child.

I am really sorry that you're in this position, it sounds very difficult.

But fixating on your sister isn't fair. She has young children under 7, who will be pretty demanding and her life sounds stressful enough.

Out of interest have you done similar favours for her? E.g. babysat her young children for the weekend?

Wow, you're unreal. You're so critical of your bil and say he likes to be seen as a saviour - and then expect him to save your child! Being so critical of a child who is younger than 7 is a weird attitude when your own almost adult child is such a mess. How does your bil know that your ds won't behave badly? It's really narcissistic to feel disappointed that someone else won't take on your problems and risk his own children suffering the consequences.