Worried my ' strong' sister isn't so strong when it come to her husband?

[beigeisthemood]

So much to write but the bottom line is that my lovely sister, who appears strong and at times main decision maker in the home ... she is a SAHM... isn't so strong after all.

I'm worried that her husband is being a little controlling actually. I really like him and he is very helpful and generous but can be a Johnny big balls at times.... refers to their home and general assets as his in company etc ... that type.
They have a busy and open house. Both close to family but his family spend a huge amount of time there.
They have had family stay for months at a time while waiting to move into their new home. Six of them. Serious special needs ( this is relevant) alcohol use and aggressive behaviours.
Then others who are going through divorce, drug use, criminal activity for to addiction etc. They are very Christian.

So here is my AIBU. My son has been poorly in mood for last few years. Down in himself. Refused to go to school. Became a recluse and then rude, nasty and at times verbally abusive.Refused to help arroyos the house and farm, I am a lone parent with other wains.

It has been awful and awful to live with him.

My sis and I chatted last evening and she told me that she had chatted to her hubby who straight away shot down the idea of my son staying there for a while to sort himself.

I am surprised but not surprised.
I wouldn't be excited about having him there but I know they would be strict and there would be strong rules.I was unable to manage him eventually.

However , he is in a bad place and they , as a couple of have many stay with them, who have been violent, abusive, drug and alcohol addicts, aggressive. All from his family.

I can't help it feel that I have lost complete respect for my bil but more so , my sister.
AIBU

PS My son is not an alcoholic, a drug user, a criminal hut can be verbally aggressive and horrid inside the house . Never outside. Never to other family or to his friends.depressed perhaps but won't get help.

Chucking him out is just absolving yourself of your responsibility though. Why are you blaming your sister and brother in law for not taking him on when you want him out of your home.

Poor kid.

Sending big hugs OP, sounds like a very difficult situation for you.
However I don't think this is really to do with your sis or BIL, I get you would feel let down if they've had lot's of BIL's family to stay and they'd of been a bigger challenge than your son but he's still not their responsibility and they have no obligation to have your son stay with them, whatever their reasons are. I think you would bvu to hold this against them

You don’t have a sister problem…..

So you're worried your sister is being financially abused but want to add to her stress so she can parent your son.

Your son needs a safe place. If it's not safe for your sister why would you consider it for your son.

I think you need to think of a plan B

It is different having a troubled adult stay with you to having a troubled child (even if they're a young adult) stay on their own. The latter implies much more responsibility and care. That could be the reason.

Regardless, I'd avoid focusing too much on the perceived unfairness of them having had other family staying with them while in turmoil, and instead simply focus on the issue at hand.

Also, if you are concerned your sister might be in a controlling relationship, focus on that in terms of trying to gauge how happy she is or isn't, and whether she needs help. The issue of your son not being able to stay with them is a distraction, I feel. That's how it looks from the outside, anyway.

Hold on one minute ....
I freely admit that I didn't parent my
Child well????
Is that a joke?
If you are referring to my response on that horrid poster s response , that was sarcasm. A retort to her nastiness.

I have done absolutely everything and more for my kids, especially my son who is in deep mental health crisis not to
Mention the other kids ... all on my own.
Without a penny or a second of time from their father anyone else.
I don't consider myself a failure even if you do. I consider myself as someone who has run out of every single option and needs help in a system where there is clearly none available bar sectioning him.

I am very giving and generous with my time and support to my sis and bil and have always gone over and above so I am disappointed but certainly take on the points that it would be too much on top of all the other dysfunction in their home at any given time.

I have been unable to fulfil my role as a parent when it comes to him.Absolutely.
Call it failure.Call it what you like

This is what you said.

I go to work each day so couldn't control it

How do you ensure your other children are attending school?

I was given handouts and advice.
Useless useless system.

Same advice that I was given some years ago.

My main problem is that he doesn't want to get better I think. He knows the work involved.

I am at breaking point and his behaviour is awful for my other kids to see.
My sister had been in this journey with me and suggested at one point that he come to stay even as a break for me and the kids . I said no. He said no. She did nothing r consult her hubby then.
I don't know where to turn essentially.
Thanks everybody.
I see this is a son / system issue.

Sarcasm

I bring them.
He refused to go. Point blank.

I was advised at the end to let him make his own school choices as we had exhausted every option but he needed to accept consequences.

What does he do all day in the house? Take the router, his mobile phone and any consoles in the car with you to work.

I take the Wi-Fi router and mobile phone.
I don't give him money. He doesn't go outside at all. He eats during the night. He sleeps mostly.

I'm sorry. You're in an awful position

But this isn't about your DS and whether she is being controlled by BIL

This is about your son

If sectioning him is all that's left then unfortunately that might just have to be what you do

What a strange thread....

What age is your son?

Thanks @ButWhatAboutTheBees . I have discussed that with the GP and she feels that this may be his only option.
I'm afraid that it will end our relationship and he will despise me forever.

I once nearly dragged him out of his bed physically in absolute anger and frustration.

The school told me that if I had actually gone ahead and done thos( which is very common incidentally) I could be done for assault and definitely reported.

I know I'm at my wits end.

What are you finding strange?

Have you any experience in school
Refusal and it's causes, subsequent behaviours and fallouts?

He is 17.

Ask them to help get him to school? So like I'm phoning uncle x he can drive you since i have to go to work. Kids can be mortified when others see what they're up to and can help them regulate

Are you controlling screen time?

Ah sorry missed that: what does he care about?

OP please go on the Not Fine At School website. You will get much support on there.
l suggest you copy some of these shameful replies to that forum to fore warn any other desperate parent in need of help not to waste their time on here.
Those parents will know first hand what your up against as this thread clearly shows, so much easier to blame and shame than God forbid offer any practical help.

Your message about you having failed your son didn't come across like sarcasm considering the circumstances.
I am sorry OP but you are saying your son would behave with you DS and BIL because they wouldn't tolerate his bad behaviour...

why do you tolerate it then?

Sorry but i agree with the others, your sister and bil are under no obligation whatsoever and havent done anything wrong and I find your reaction a bit strange tbh.