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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner leaving me at day festival

54 replies

Littlelcosmicgirl · 05/09/2023 01:06

Just want to get some other people's views on this .

Past 2 years me and a mutual friend of me and my DP have been to a day soul music festival. This year I brought DP a ticket for his birthday present and he joined me and our friend..

Me and DP have been together 5 years almost. I was in an abusive relationship previously and my ex was a drinker. I drink myself no issue if someone likes a drinks as long as they behave and I don't feel threatened. What I don't like in pubs clubs and so on is being trapped on a packed dance floor where I can't get out easily should I wish To. I love live music like to enjoy it dance with others but I don't like that being shoved and barged around might get knocked over can't get out or move feeling. DP knows this.

On Tuesday I reminded him and Said the three of us need to stay together as its easy to get separated and all was fine. Mentioned it again on the morning all good.

Fast forward to the event.. we are walking into the DJ tent and I found a spot to enjoy the music soak up the atmosphere chat and dance. Probably 5 or 6 feet back from where the crowds began to thicken if you like.

Partner and friend continued to walk ahead' stopped looked back to me , I shook my head to gesture no I am.going no further. They said something to each other then walked into the crowd out of sight and stayed there for hours. I was left totally on my own..to the point strangers were asking later if I was OK and had I come by myself as I was drinking my drinks and dancing and standing there alone. And to be honest feeling quite sad.

I didn't mention it on the night. Didn't make a scene.. but raised it yesterday with DP.

Only to be told its their day too, it was clearly me who went off by myself as there's two of them one of me and they formed a majority
If he sees a crowd he wants to be in the thick of it and next year he will find other people to go with . I said that's fine but he should have Said this when I mentioned it and I wouldn't have come. He denies me raising it. I did. I know I did. I had PTSD a couple of years ago after witnessing something very nasty involving an assault which resulted in a fatality in my line of work. Maybe that's clouding this

I just feel very let down and hurt being honest and was really shitty to do that to me..

OP posts:

missingyears · 05/09/2023 01:26

It wasn't nice of him to leave you on your own. I can see why you are upset.

It seems like you both have different ideas about how to enjoy this kind of event, You like to stick with your group on the periphery, and he seems to like getting a bit carried away with the crowd and be in the thick of things and. Neither is wrong

missingyears · 05/09/2023 01:31

Sorry sent to soon....

If your relationship is otherwise good, then maybe just avoid going to this type of event together.... stick with going with your friends who you have previously enjoyed going with.

It wasn't great that he left you on your own and you have the right to be upset about that. How is the rest of your relationship? Is this one of a series of situations where he hasn't cared about your feelings? Or is it just that you both enjoy festival type events in different ways....so should probably avoid going to these things together?

Poivresel · 05/09/2023 01:38

Your dp sounds selfish. My dh wouldn’t leave me on my own for hours on what is meant to be a day out together.
Next year don’t buy him a ticket.

Malapataraso · 05/09/2023 02:27

Some might find it unreasonable that you expected the group to stay together on the perimeter all night, especially because you didn’t want to be in the middle of the pack and they did, so youre kind of dragging them down - and getting lost from each other is kind of impossible with smartphones, so that’s not really an issue. BUT they agreed to do it for you and they ditched you, which is shit. So, to sum up, they shouldnt have agreed to your parameters if they didn’t intend on actually staying with you. In the future though, maybe if you require staying on the margins and you go with a group of people who’d rather be the middle, you maybe should bring someone who likes to be on the margins with you, and not make the people who want to go in the middle hang back, because then their night sucks. You had a lot of parameters and they wanted to party and you’re parameters were a little clingy and boring to some people. So … ya.

junbean · 05/09/2023 02:37

PTSD doesn’t go away. Complex PTSD is when you are traumatized by someone for a long period of time, and by someone who is supposed to care for your well being. You might look into this further, as PTSD cannot be cured and needs lifelong treatment. DH is a dick. YANBU.

Bearbookagainandagain · 05/09/2023 03:05

I don't like the crowd either at live music events so I also stay at the periphery. Whenever I go with friends or family they might prefer to go in the crowd but they'll come back with me from time to time, stay for a couple of songs and chat. I will also go join them in the crowd for a specific song (which obviously you can't do).

I think you're definitely right to be pissed off at your husband and your friend for leaving you for hours!

SilverTotoro · 05/09/2023 03:30

Very selfish of your DP, and even worse to deny you’d spoken about it beforehand. We go to lots of gigs with different people and tend to stay where everyone is comfortable. Occasionally DH will want to get near the front for a bit and I’m happy to wave him off for a few songs, but he’d never abandon me without a word for the whole gig.

Hufflemuff · 05/09/2023 05:51

Hmm its not nice of your DH and friend to leave you alone for hours. Its also not nice for you to expect everything to go to your particular liking, I don't think its fair to put behaviour restrictions onto adults because you don't like crowds. A festival and crowds pretty much go hand in hand.

A good compromise would have been them going off for 20 mins for a dance then coming back to you for 20 mins and so on.

I wouldn't bother going to an event like this with them in the future, you clearly have 2 different ideas of how to spend your time.

Autieangel · 05/09/2023 05:57

What happened previously when it was just u and your friend? They should have come back and discussed it with you. And if you had asked your dp to stay with you and explained you would be near the back then he is being unfair. I wouldn't go with him again.

RantyAnty · 05/09/2023 06:06

That was really mean to have gone off and left you for hours.

Shows how much they thought of you. :(

AgnesNaismith · 05/09/2023 06:06

Your DH is a dick and what he did is completely unacceptable. Is the friend male or female?

Sirzy · 05/09/2023 06:10

You need to come up with a proper compromise. It’s unfair to expect everyone else to hover at the back with you at such an event but they should be coming back to you every so often or finding somewhere you all feel happy standing.

I am awful in crowds but have managed to master finding a space I feel comfy in. If my partner wants to go more into the thick of things that’s fine and we meet back up at the end of the set or whatever.

ElFupacabra · 05/09/2023 06:12

Your friend has never raised wanting to go into the crowds before? It’s such a dick move for both of them, even if that’s what they wanted to do they could have at least came and told you that rather than just walking off. I wouldn’t be returning with either of them next year.

If he sees a crowd he wants to be in the thick of it and next year he will find other people to go with . I said that's fine but he should have Said this when I mentioned it and I wouldn't have come. He denies me raising it. I did. I know I did.
Your biggest problem, the gaslighting boyfriend. Does he do this a lot? I’m betting there are a lot of other red flags here too.

Shoxfordian · 05/09/2023 06:13

He’s unkind to have left you on your own all that time especially when you told him you didn’t want to go into the crowds beforehand - don’t stay with someone so inconsiderate

MsDogLady · 05/09/2023 07:12

@Littlelcosmicgirl, who is this ‘Friend’ whom your Partner blanked and ditched you to watch the concert with?

You were kind enough to buy P’s ticket for his birthday, but then he pulled a fast one on you by breaking your agreement and then lying and gaslighting you about it.

As for the Friend, he/she knew the score from years of attending with you, but elected to leave you in the lurch the entire time. These two are selfish, entitled, and mean-spirited.

Do yourself a favor and bin them both.

Original poster

Littlelcosmicgirl · 05/09/2023 07:18

Thanks for the replies. Interesting to read all the different points on this.

To answer a few questions . The mutual friend is male . All known each other for years . It was only us three so not a big group and both know that I wouldn't have anyone to be with by them splitting away from me.

Probably better next year to give it a skip or us go with different people as he says..

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 05/09/2023 07:28

It's not nice to leave you for hours, but equally, it does seem like you unilaterally decided where you should stand rather than discussing and compromising. Definitely something you should have talked about before the event.

Original poster

Littlelcosmicgirl · 05/09/2023 08:32

It was discussed twice..his reply of yeah that's fine. We will all stay together . It will be a good day I took as a prepper response.

Think I know not to go to this again with him.

People asked if this has happened before. Only other incident was after a night out a few months ago.. again three of us me him and his brother this time. Left a nightclub . All of us quite drunk. There was a man in the club who kept trying to stand between us to talk to me..I wasn't interested in the slightest and ignored this person..partner told him to F off. Again same thing him and brother wanted to be in the thick of it so I grabbed a table and took a spot there. He left me to it pretty much. Looking over with a bit of attitude. Didn't seem bothered I was by myself. We left and I was walking a few steps in front of them. I sat down to take off my shoes as my feet hurt and I was in heels and him and his brother left me and walked off to get food didn't say where . Were gone about 20 mins. The police saw me sat on the floor asked if I was OK and I said my boyfriends gone off I don't know where so they called him. Eventually he came back Said at that moment food was more important and he thought fuck me.. he apologised next day and said I feel bad for doing that but you should have followed when I said I am going to get food.

OP posts:

barbarahunter · 05/09/2023 08:42

I had an ex who would do this every time we went out. He would disappear into the thick of it at a party of his friends and leave me standing like a lemon when I didn't know a soul. How can it not be intentional?

I think it is cruel. Your second example sounds like he wanted to 'punish' you for being attractive to someone else. One also has to wonder, are there other occasions that he would just abandon you? In my case, the answer was yes and that is one of the reasons why he is now an ex.

Original poster

Littlelcosmicgirl · 05/09/2023 08:44

@barbarahunter what would he say about it afterwards ? Is that why he's an ex xx

OP posts:

OrigamiOwls · 05/09/2023 08:47

I can see both sides.
It wasn't nice that they left you, but also you can't unilaterally decide where to be for a whole event on behalf of all 3 adults.

ExtraOnions · 05/09/2023 08:49

The Police called him to see where he was ? Why did you not call him?

It can happen at festivals, nights out etc that you get split up.. thing is to have a plan. Use your “find friend” or text / ring. I’ve known people use Air Tags at festivals.

barbarahunter · 05/09/2023 08:52

Well part of me always wondered if I were being petty, it's not like I wanted to ruin his fun, so I used to mention it in a low key way and he would kind of agree not to do it again. But he kept doing it. And yes, it of one of the reasons we eventually parted company @Littlelcosmicgirl

Chiaseedling · 05/09/2023 08:55

I can see it from both sides, but your DP was out of order not asking if you were ok on your own and also staying in the crowd for that long. I can see why someone wants to be in a crowd rather than in the periphery though.
I have been to festivals and DH has gone to one stage and I’ve gone to another as we have some different tastes, but it was always agreed on.

Original poster

Littlelcosmicgirl · 05/09/2023 08:57

On this occasion I did but he didn't pick up several of the calls. Eventually he answered and it was police on my phone at the other end of the line

OP posts:

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