Partner leaving me at day festival

[Littlelcosmicgirl]

Just want to get some other people's views on this .

Past 2 years me and a mutual friend of me and my DP have been to a day soul music festival. This year I brought DP a ticket for his birthday present and he joined me and our friend..

Me and DP have been together 5 years almost. I was in an abusive relationship previously and my ex was a drinker. I drink myself no issue if someone likes a drinks as long as they behave and I don't feel threatened. What I don't like in pubs clubs and so on is being trapped on a packed dance floor where I can't get out easily should I wish To. I love live music like to enjoy it dance with others but I don't like that being shoved and barged around might get knocked over can't get out or move feeling. DP knows this.

On Tuesday I reminded him and Said the three of us need to stay together as its easy to get separated and all was fine. Mentioned it again on the morning all good.

Fast forward to the event.. we are walking into the DJ tent and I found a spot to enjoy the music soak up the atmosphere chat and dance. Probably 5 or 6 feet back from where the crowds began to thicken if you like.

Partner and friend continued to walk ahead' stopped looked back to me , I shook my head to gesture no I am.going no further. They said something to each other then walked into the crowd out of sight and stayed there for hours. I was left totally on my own..to the point strangers were asking later if I was OK and had I come by myself as I was drinking my drinks and dancing and standing there alone. And to be honest feeling quite sad.

I didn't mention it on the night. Didn't make a scene.. but raised it yesterday with DP.

Only to be told its their day too, it was clearly me who went off by myself as there's two of them one of me and they formed a majority
If he sees a crowd he wants to be in the thick of it and next year he will find other people to go with . I said that's fine but he should have Said this when I mentioned it and I wouldn't have come. He denies me raising it. I did. I know I did. I had PTSD a couple of years ago after witnessing something very nasty involving an assault which resulted in a fatality in my line of work. Maybe that's clouding this

I just feel very let down and hurt being honest and was really shitty to do that to me..

Again appreciate others points of view. I think my issue is that I spoke to him he agreed one thing then did the opposite and has made me feel like I am out of order about it .

Secondly we didn't get split up they saw where I was and without a word continued on their path and left me behind. Didn't attempt to seek me out or even drop a text and say are you OK. Just went basically. We aren't young kids. All of us are Mid 30s .

I won't go with them next time

I would have to wonder under what other circumstances would he just bugger off? I wouldn't do that to a cat, let alone someone who is supposed to care about me. I used to wish the ground would swallow me up when it was done to me.. it completely ruined the event because the whole time I'd be worrying and craning my neck to try to catch a glimpse of him. It is not the way to treat someone and demonstrates a couldn't-care-less attitude at best. At worst, it may demonstrate something darker, to do with power and control.

My husband hates crowds so stands further back. I hate that. It ruins the vibe for me I like to be in thick of it.

Neither of us are right or wrong

We just meet up afterwards we've done it for years

I think you're being over sensitive. He didn't leave you. You didn't want to go in further, that was your choice as it was his to move forward

They should have come back every now and then, it was a bit shitty to leave you all day, but I'm sorry, its unreasonable to expect everyone to enjoy things "your way".

And reminding him every day "we have to stay together or someone might get lost"? You do that when taking children to an event not adults who have phones and are... adults. He probably wasn't really listening and just agreeing because he knew that was what was expected (which is also a bit shitty of him)

The friend was probably glad to be able to "get stuck in" for once.

Going separately sounds like the best idea tbh

I've eds and couldn't go into crowds like that incase I'd get a knock and get Hurt. I also can't stand for very long , there's no way my dh would piss off and leave me for hours sat by myself. There's also no way I'd sit there by myself either if someone just left me there. I'd be gone home.

You're right @romdowa in my case I should have just got up and left. I think it's a good move to do that. And I'm not talking about a pre-agreed split up and I'll see you later - I'm talking about someone sprinting off as soon as we get there and then remaining far away for the whole time. Sounds like on at least one occasion the OP mentioned, she got the 'sprinting off' treatment.

OP, I think the bottom line is he doesn't give a shit about you. He prioritises enjoying himself with his mates/brother over you, and frankly doesn't care if you're okay or not.

Personally I would dump him.
If he doesn't have your back in this situation what would he do in a dangerous.
Getting in the thick of a concert for a while but to never come back and check on you.
Your second example shows how little he cares about you.
Selfish

Did you call/text them to ask them to come back/see where they were?
Its not nice behaviour of them, but equally agree with pp a compromise should have been met so they could get the atmosphere by being in the thick of it, but also you not feeling completely abandoned.
I don't understand the police getting so involved, were you quite distressed/intoxicated?
Think you are right not going to this sort of thing again with them, as you want different experiences, neither is wrong, just different.

Firstly yes it was selfish to leave you alone the whole time.

It seems you all agree to stay together beforehand but I can't see from your posts that you had agreed to stay at the back. Just to stay together, so if that's the case, you kind of broke the agreement by not going with the majority.

I do agree they were wrong to just leave you though but seems like a bit of a misunderstanding, you assumed that by stay together they were happy to be at the back.

I hate being at the back, If I go with a "back" person I always end up doing what they prefer because I get that their comfort is important but I don't go places like that with them again. It ruins it for me, I want to be right up in the action, hate watching from the edge while everyone else has fun. I would never dream of just pleasing myself and leaving them alone though!

@Littlelcosmicgirl When you used to go with just your mutual friend, to the festival, did you get the feeling that he was happy to be with you at the back?

To leave you for literally hours at a festival on your own is a really shitty thing to do. If that's what they wanted they should have let you know beforehand so that you could make decisions then. To be left standing there is just really really selfish and horrible.

In future I would find a friend who liked staying at the back and go with them.

Leaving you when you took your heels off and were a bit drunk, late at night was not just selfish but downright dangerous. In both these scenarios strangers were asking you if you were ok. Strangers cared more about your wellbeing than your own friends or partner.

I really hope you end this relationship becuase he would have to be some sort of gold standard partner the rest of the time to make up for this complete lack of care when you are out.

Some people are not getting the issue here. It was discussed before hand. OP made it clear she has trauma from her past and why she would be uncomfortable in the crowd. The BF agreed to stick with her then reneged on the agreement on the day, leaving OP on her own. For me this isn’t an issue of wanting different things it’s an issue of trust! Sorry but I wouldn’t trust him going forward and that would be the end for me. I need to know someone is true to their word so I feel psychologically safe.

Sorry to say but what @TheGoodBanana says It seems you all agree to stay together beforehand but I can't see from your posts that you had agreed to stay at the back. Just to stay together, so if that's the case, you kind of broke the agreement by not going with the majority.
perhaps they heard 'we'll all stick together' but what you meant was 'you need to stick where I choose'?

This. Your partner - and friend - sound very selfish.

I also agree that PTSD doesn’t go away. It trumps his “liking” for being in the crowd too.

He's a prince, isn't he?

How old are you all? Because this isn't going to get better. He's not going to think about you

He doesn’t sound like a good man. I’d dump him.

Erm I don't know because this was his birthday present, and you seemed to know what you wanted to do, but not what he wanted? I do think you should have all stuck together for safety's sake, but you'd seemed to have already decided on a spot. You watched them leave, so why didn't you go with them? However seems strange to have left you alone? Was he not worried about finding you again?

My DH and I went to a local outdoor concert this summer.

I loved the group and would've liked to have been at the front dancing but my DH is disabled and cannot. So we both watched the group from the sides in the disabled bit.

Not really what I would've preferred but hey ho; I'm not going to leave my DH alone particularly as his mobility isn't great at the moment. We arrived together and we stayed together. That's what you do when you're a couple unless it's with mutual agreement that you do your own thing.

Your DP is an inconsiderate person. That's fair enough if he's an OK-for-now type of guy or otherwise suits your lifestyle at the moment but I wouldn't marry or have DCs with someone that selfish.

It's really important to have good communication both at festivals and in relationships. Your partner failed on this.

Seems like you clearly told him what you wanted and needed in terms of crowds and he reneged on it. Then he didn't keep you informed about how long he'd be inside the crowd for, or come back out (or even message) to check you were OK.

I've been both the person wanting to go deeper into the crowd and the person needing to duck out for a bit at festivals. I'm happy to be on my own when I just need a breather, but if I was in the crowd with the rest of the group and knew someone else was by themselves, I'd absolutely drop them a message at some point - to check they were OK or to let them know we'd be coming out to join them in 10 minutes or at the end of the set or whatever.

I am 37 partner and friend are 35

Why are you staying with someone so inconsiderate op?

I wouldnt have left my friend or my partner for whatever reason they wanted to stay there. I would have danced and drank with them.

Why are you still with this man? He's really horrible. He doesn't have your back, he doesn't look out for you, he doesn't care for you. He just wants to be with his mates.

I hope next year you will be with somebody new who treats you really well, the way you deserve.

DP is a major dick and clearly doesn’t give a shit about you when he is “out”.
He should be your latest ex imho, you deserve better.

Think both partner and friend were twats to leave you on your own given they both would know you'd not be able to join them and not even bothered to come back to check in. There's a big difference between someone who just prefers to be periphery and when you absolutely can not handle being in the thick of crowd as the anxiety/overstimulation/physical need makes it impossible, not a choice.
Its more like agreeing to a out for night with mate in wheelchair then going off to an upstairs bar.

Given past events with partner it's clear he prioritises himself and doesn't even consider you when there's a clash of needs. He doesn't seem to recognise your struggle as valid, may even think doing you a favour to get over anxiety by forcing you to join him. Disappointing of friend too, though we don't know what was said between them and I'd expect more from DP.