To be struggling managing someone I dislike

[mamagementpeopleyoudislike]

NC. Before you say I'm a bad manager here me out...

I don't finding managing most people an issue or even difficult (testing at times but generally pretty ok).

I have someone at the moment who is capable, but rude and involved themselves in things they don't need to often which creates drama.

And when things are picked up with them all hell breaks loose and they get upset.

They are cheeky and rude but not to the point that warrant a warning for example - it's just their personality. I can tell they don't mean anything by it it maliciously but they tend to rub people up the wrong way.

I know it's not personal because I see it with others (it's not often it happens but it does).

It makes me dislike the person and completely unsure how to solve the issue.

Any supervisors or managers who have had this experience.

@Eleganz thank you really useful advice.

I disagree wholeheartedly. A manager who thinks they know it all is usually a disaster. Nobody has all the answers, but keeping an open mind to other people's advice and what the employee has to say is a sign of a good manager.

So what is your professional role since you know it all? Don't be shy.

I'd echo a lot of the sensible suggestions from PP about your approach, your response and identifying ways to engage with them.

I also recommend taking a look at the 'Fierce Conversation' structure (assuming you want to address the behaviours)

There's a whole process/method, but I've found the basic conversation structure incredibly useful in having difficult conversations.

It is essentially a script on the approach, some anchor statements, your responsibility as the manager and future expectations.

Happy to serve you my anonomised template, if you'd like via DM

I guess because MN is a predominantly female site so most of the managers asking advice on managing their staff, are female.

It's not really something I've seen many male managers doing online, although to be fair I don't really go looking IYSWIM.

Hence why I said she should be seeking advice from her own manager.
No manager can know everything, but they can seek advice from the relevant people for what they don't know.

Good thoughtful advice from Eleganz.

I'm a senior manager with a large organisation. Hope that helps your curiosity.

Have you discussed this with your boss? Do you have a mentor that you could ask for advice too?

Surely one can get advice from many sources? The trick is filtering that advice before applying it.

I am afraid you are as rude and as the OP's employee with a manner as awkward. Good luck with your 'senior role'.

How long have you been managing them? Has it been a long time or is this a new employee?
Does anyone else complain to you about them and also find them difficult?
Support from line managers is important here and even though you say it isn’t enough to fail appraisal for example can you look carefully at contracts / codes of conduct / standards your organisation has and see if any of her behaviours and actions counter act those?

@blueshoes Many thanks. Tomorrow I will put on my professional at work face and leave my home face at the door.

I currently manage a team of 30, although I only have 3 direct reports. I have managed both larger and smaller teams as well. Some of the individuals I wouldn't cross the road for etc etc, but they do need managing in the workplace.

What I find helpful in managing this type of person is to:

• always set clear expectations at the outset
• give immediate feedback after every incident
• take all emotion out of any feedback, so no language similar to "I feel, I don't like..."
• focus on the behaviour itself
• ask for their view on the situation
• reiterate the expectations
• outline the consequences of it reoccurring

Do you have team meetings where you discuss the project plan and tasks? Our small team meets to discuss eg new data we are going to analyse and how it will be reported. Everyone is free to say but does that take into account this aspect (eg should some responses be treated as not applicable etc) and talk through why. After this understanding is established if anyone came back with objections I would be assuming they didn’t know how to do the analysis and would be asking why, as they have had training. It would be the same with any set of tasks eg if someone said well I won’t be doing this this week, I would ask why, as it is in the plan, agreed, and the rest of us need it to be done to get on.

I’ve had this experience, and one time it was quite bad. If they showed any interest I would try to teach them better. I’ve been in two situations where the person could get away with any kind of behavior because they had a thing going on with higher ups. If I tried to do my job I ended up in trouble. So if you can lead them into better behavior, put your ego to the side and try. If it will come down badly on you, don’t show your dislike because it will just make you look unprofessional. Sometimes you have to set your standards aside and just get through the day. This kind of thing is exactly why I don’t do management anymore, I feel for you.

OP replace ‘pandering to them’ in your mind with the phrase ‘managing them’.

Unfortunately some personalities do need significantly more ‘managing’ than others. Depending on the work environment and just how difficult they are you’ll want to try different techniques and options to get the best outcome for team output.

Best case scenario you find a way to change their current behavior to make them more productive and less distracting.

Worst case scenario you find a way to minimize their negative impact.

You might end up somewhere in the middle of best and worst case scenario.

But think managing not pandering when dealing with them.

@midlifecrash yes they're the sort that if they don't like something in a team meeting (doesn't happen often) but they'll make it clear in front of everyone.

Not even I, as the manager do that. I'll take someone to one side as it's unprofessional to do otherwise.

Ask your manager for management training, read your policies on behaviour (and follow them), have regular catch ups where issues and good behaviours.are documented for the whole team, not just the ones you don't like.

Start monitoring your own behaviour and responses and managing those appropriately within your role.

I'm assuming that you are in charge of their objectives and performance reviews.

Where I work, objectives need to focus on both outcomes and behaviours. I think it will help you to take a step back from the emotions of this and really identify those behaviours which are hindering this person's own work or other people's work, and develop objectives that address these, preferably in a positive way. And then you've got a framework within which to raise these issues.

Do you have a team charter or other agreed expectations about how the team will work together, deliver and receive feedback, etc? I've found that helpful in smoothing out difficult behaviours in the past, as you have something concrete and specific to point to. Eg 'We agreed as a team that we'd raise those sorts of issues one to one, not in the team meeting. You didn't follow through on that today - why was that?'

Have they been with the team/company for a long time?

in my team I have a colleague who the manager isn’t particularly fond of, her manner can be a bit abrasive and she knows the job inside out, often her points are valid but she can go about it in the wrong way. There’s quite a lot of favouritism though within the team, particularly towards the men, who know far less about the work but seem to be given preferential treatment because they don’t bring ‘drama’ to the manager.

How is the employee seen within the team by her peers? Do you think anyone on the team would say you have favourites/stronger working relationships with certain individuals?

Not every complaint she makes is legitimate, and I do feel like telling her that sometimes she needs to accept the ‘it’s always been done that way!’ Attitude needs to drop, the organisation can’t run on what’s happened in the past. But I also think her knowledge and understanding should be respected, and she’s quite often the one who ‘deals with the shit’ when it comes to changes that have been formulated in a senior meeting that doesn’t benefit the team or clients.

I'm on the other side of this. My team manager once told me I was "challenging and insubordinate". I'm not. I just wanted explanations for ridiculous and unreasonable decisions.

I am hugely more educated/professionally qualified than my line and team manager. I think this is an issue for them. I once asked team manager if her Assistant Director manager disagreed with her, would she challenge that? She said no... Yet we're always having training/guest speakers encouraging us to do just that!

I have watched other far less qualified/experienced people appointed and promoted, while I have been rejected (in my 50s at the time and I know that went against me too, going on the evidence of how other over 50s have been treated in my organisation!)

So, I have quietly quit. I am no longer going to give heart and soul, as I've done for over 30 years, to an organisation that has no regard for me.

Are you shutting down discussion about something that is actually relevant in a team meeting? My team manager was fucking furious in a team meeting because I and a colleague raised questions around the taking of annual leave and flexi that were relevant to all of us!

Maybe you need to look at your own behaviour too?

When you say ‘doesn’t happen often’ do you mean the employee raising an issue, or team meetings?

How do you communicate changes, feedback, tracking to the team? How do you receive that communication from your seniors? Meetings?

Sometimes it can appear to the team that managers do a lot of sitting around the table with others on their level and senior, then send an email reporting back a change, rather than having a dialogue with those who are actually responsible for the work.
Would you say you have good communication in general with your team?

I'm afraid seeing your responses to those that have been critical of you OP, I get the impression that you don't handle any form of criticism well yourself, and therefore faced with a member of staff who challenges you, or possibly your position, (which is effectively what this woman is doing when she argues with you), you struggle to deal with it effectively. Do you lack confidence in yourself as a manager OP, or maybe you suffer from 'imposter syndrome' so are reluctant to show any form of weakness to your own boss, (ie, asking them for advice), for fear you might be found out? It is good that you've reached out for advice, but like some others, I'm not sure that MN is the best place, perhaps for the future you might be better off if you don't have anyone else you feel comfortable asking, just looking on Google, who when I looked just now, pointed me to some very useful advice on the subject of handling difficult staff members. Maybe have a look at this:

https://www.betterup.com/blog/dealing-with-difficult-employees

Hmm, I think it can be better potentially if challenges come up in team meetings, depending on what they are of course. If it’s “reporting this way risks confusion over the results “ I think it’s good if someone has to explain exactly what they mean to the whole team. If they have misunderstood something that will become apparent, and this can clarify things for everyone. Or they might even be right!

if it’s “I don’t want to label my files this way it’s boring” then that is obviously not a team discussion, it’s something they just have to do.