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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider homeschooling a 13 year old on a very small budget?

87 replies

Imustbecrazy123 · 04/09/2023 13:42

My son is about to enter year 8 and really doesn’t want to go back despite his younger sister starting year 7.
He has ADHD and dyslexia and has struggled his way through primary school, not just academically but also socially he has never ever made a solid group of friends and we hoped so much that this would change come secondary school but it hasn’t - in fact it’s got worse as he’s so aware of being left out / laughed at for being in the bottom sets now.
He isn’t motivated at all so I’m really worried I would struggle to get him to do any work at home and with GCSEs only a few years away this is a real concern
Financially, I’ll be ruined as will need to give up my job but I need to help his self esteem 😢

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 05/09/2023 06:37

Are you a single parent, or if you give up your job will you still have n income coming into the house? This is important because if you willingly give up working I don't believe you are eligible for out of work benefits.

Home Ed can work brilliantly when parents can afford to access HE groups to provide the social stimulus that children need and to access resources to support them but if you are going to be on a very low / no income you won't be able to do this. You would be better off booking an appointment with the SENCO and then possibly looking at other schools in the area that have a more holistic approach if available and then focusing on outside hobbies and groups to make the school day a smaller part of his day.

Nappyvalley15 · 05/09/2023 06:43

I would send him back to school for y8. I would push for better support in school (and adhd medication) and investigate alternatives in case you do have to remove him. I would push for a ECHP.

I would research UTCs (that he could move to in Y9) and other specialist provision and HE. Also online or small private schools. I would also find out more about how to support learners with dyslexia.

I would let him know that he needs to give it another try but you are investigating alternatives so he won't be stuck there if y8 doesn't work out. These things take time to plan properly. Also he may make a friend or two this year, get better teachers or SEND support and decide to stay. You also need time to plan the financial side of a radical change.

I would also look for ways to boost his self esteem outside of school.

sashh · 05/09/2023 06:47

Children over the age of 14 can attend an FE college.

If he is in bottom sets for everything it might be worth taking him out for a year, work on English and maths and prepare for an FE course in something vocational.

He doesn't have to do GCSEs at all, but if he goes to an FE college he will be expected to do GCSE English and maths alongside whatever he does.

Wildhorses2244 · 05/09/2023 06:50

I would ecco pp question about medication.

If he isn’t currently on adhd medication then I would try that first- it makes a huge difference to concentration and behaviour.

If he is on medication I would go back to the doctor with him and discuss how he’s feeling- it may be that a tweak in medication improves things.

I would also suggest a tutor to help him progress out of bottom set before you start thinking about he. Ask him to choose whether he prefers maths or English and get the tutor to work with him on that for the whole of year 8, reasses at the end of the year.

This will be expensive- especially if you have to go private for the medication- but will be a lot cheaper than giving up your job

Hairyfairy01 · 05/09/2023 06:51

I personally found year 8 was when my dd finally found a small group of friends. Year 7 was a bit of a disaster and I very nearly took her out many times. Going into year 9 she is also in the bottom set for most things but someone has to be in the bottom set and she has many other skills that aren't academic which we really focus on at home. I'm also pleased that in year 10 her school offers some courses such as animal care, beauty therapy etc which I suspect she will not only enjoy but also be good at. I'm all for home ed and have seriously considered it many times. You don't even have to do GCSEs of course. But it sounds as if as a family you would struggle. Maybe see how things go and review at Christmas?

Letmeoutnow · 05/09/2023 06:53

Lessonstobe · 04/09/2023 13:44

You need to think carefully about whether or not you’re capable of teaching 8/9 subjects to GCSE level or have the resources to get help to do so. Not easy teaching your own kids, esp with SeN issues

You don’t need to teach 8 to 9 subjects to gcse. Most homeschoolers concentrate on a smaller number of subjects.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/09/2023 07:00

@Tambatamba are you saying your mental health would have been fine if you hadn't done GCSEs and A-levels? Do you mean it was damaged because of the particular school or because of the curriculum?

Britneyfan · 05/09/2023 07:00

I understand why you’re considering it but I’d think very carefully before doing it if it would mean you can’t work and would put extra pressure on your finances if they aren’t great already during this cost of living crisis. I would definitely have a meeting with his current school to ask how they are going to help support him both academically and with the bullying issue. Also really consider other schools with potentially better SEN support etc, sometimes kids this age won’t want to move even if things are bad because it’s what they know but it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be happier elsewhere. I agree about trying for an EHCP as well maybe. And yeah talk to other home educators here too.

LIZS · 05/09/2023 07:06

What support os he getting fir his additional needs? Maybe tackling that will put him in a better place. Even if you homeschooled that would be a barrier to his learning that you would need to address, but it may be easier to do so in a school environment. Contact the sendco and explain how it is impacting his confidence.

RedHelenB · 05/09/2023 07:06

Does he know why he isn't making friends with the others in his set? Whether it's bottom or top shouldn't matter, you are still with the same people most of the day.
Most schools have an SEN room where kids can sit together at breaks/lunch and make friendships that way, often with other year groups too.

lepopo · 05/09/2023 07:08

That's really tough OP, in your situation I would contact the school before doing anything, I think people will disagree but I wouldn't send him in until a meeting was arranged to discuss all of this with his HOY/pastoral team, I would send an email today explaining what is happening and wait for the school to get back to you, you would take the risk of being fined here though.

Are apprenticeships still available at schools or is it not the done thing anymore?

BibbleandSqwauk · 05/09/2023 07:23

I agree there is a lot of narrow thinking on this thread. I've been there with a child crying and begging and becoming a shadow of their former self. It's not easy to get help, CAHMS etc are now so overwhelmed. OP in the immediate moment, try and get him in but explain you are looking at options. If he knows there may be light at the end of the tunnel it may be enough to help him cope for now. In the meantime, be a total pain in the arse to his tutor and head of year (I'm a teacher by the way). Ask for a meeting with specific outcomes in mind about what they can do to mitigate his situation . Would he join clubs or go to the library? That's often a sanctuary for these kinds of situations. Others have given excellent suggestions re home ed, different provisions etc. There's a v v small school near me, private, but only about 5k for the whole year. They're hard to find but do exist and may be the right thing.

ZadocPDederick · 05/09/2023 07:33

Does your son have an EHCP, and is he getting any professional help for his anxiety?

morellamalessdrama · 05/09/2023 07:35

I've not home schooled myself but my sister did following her DS being horribly bullied at school.

He's in his late teens now and just finished his A Levels. My sister home schooled him for a couple of hours a day - as it's 1:1 it doesn't need to be for eight hours a day like in a school.

He moved to a college setting at 14 to do his GCSEs, he took five rather than the usual nine though.

JussathoB · 05/09/2023 07:38

Must be very difficult as your son is struggling. However I really don’t think it’s a good idea to take on all the responsibility for his education on yourself, that’s what school is there for after all. I think you also said you worry about whether you can get him to do any work at home after school …. So this could be a problem if you try to home school him as well?? You also have yourself and your job and income to consider. So I feel home schooling in your situation should perhaps only be if there is no alternative.
Do you think the situation is heightened by you and your son feeling trepidation at the first week back? I would try to encourage him, try to ensure some relief and diversion after the school day and perhaps take up other PPs suggestions about discussing the situation with head of year etc to make sure school are giving support.

TiredRetired · 05/09/2023 07:42

Imustbecrazy123 · 04/09/2023 14:55

Thank you for the replies
Socially he is immature compared to other children his age but he has no trouble making friends In social settings such as skateparks / karate but literally not one friend at school
They are all generally bright children in the local primary here ( I worked there so o know the intake ) which I thought would change come secondary but it just hasn’t
I can’t see how he will cope or pass GCSEs even in school so I’m not sure it’s doing him a disservice taking him out of somewhere that’s knocking his self esteem when the end result is white possibly going to be the same.
i suggested trying another school but he is convinced that will be even worse as nobody will know him / dislike him and everything will be brand new so a doubly blow

Are GCSEs needed in every subject? Will he want to go to UNI? If he's numerate and literate enough to balance the books of everyday life then I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Does he have a particular interest or talent you could focus on? That's one of the strengths of home schooling, concentrate your fire power on IT or woodwork or whatever floats his boat. He stands a better chance of making friends if he's with like minded people. That will give him a better life than trying to force him down the mainstream track when he doesn't fit.

WoooahNelly · 05/09/2023 07:45

I do think that pushing children who are struggling at school to do 8-9 subjects at GCSE is unfair when they may stand a better chance of getting better results focusing on fewer.

Defiantjazz · 05/09/2023 07:58

He has ADHD and dyslexia and has struggled his way through primary school, not just academically but also socially he has never ever made a solid group of friends and we hoped so much that this would change come secondary school but it hasn’t - in fact it’s got worse as he’s so aware of being left out / laughed at for being in the bottom sets now.

You’d be better off teaching him resilience and social skills.
I mean one day he may have to do a job that doesn’t make him happy, he’ll have to either get a new one or just keep going and find happiness from other sources. There will always be jerks lurking somewhere in the background so you have to learn to deal with that to.

The ADHD complicated things I know but no, I don’t think him just hiding away at home is the answer.

gogomoto · 05/09/2023 08:04

It would be better looking at supporting him by finding extra curricular he can excel at and make friends rather than removing him from school. Potentially also hire a tutor to help him after school but you stay in work. Homeschooling does work for some kids but it's a huge risk not to be taken lightly. Speak to the senco first about enhancing his support

Velvian · 05/09/2023 08:05

I agree with looking for a non selective private day school. The closest to me is a Steiner School, which I know is not without controversy.

However, the kids wear their own clothes, the is a broader range of ages in classes and they have a lot of practical lessons.

I have considered for my ND DC, I have so far discounted due to some of the ethoses I've heard about Steiner Waldorf more widely, but it is still in the back of my mind as an option.

gogomoto · 05/09/2023 08:10

Also he may turn a corner - my dd struggled until year 8, really poor reading and writing due to dyslexia (she probably has adhd too but not diagnosed) but she turned a corner that year and by the end of year 9 was about ready for GCSEs, then she surprised us by not only scraping English but getting a 6! Honestly beginning of year 8 writing one side of a4 wasn't possible, or rather it was so littered with spelling mistakes you couldn't read it

Foxesandsquirrels · 05/09/2023 08:11

@Velvian The op hasn't got a budget to even home ed but you think she can afford an independent school?

motherofawhirlwind · 05/09/2023 08:13

Tambatamba · 04/09/2023 15:08

Why do people act like every child needs to do GCSEs?

It's not the right route for everyone. I can tell there are very few HE people on this thread.

Agreed.

OP there's lots of options. Look on FB for your local HE group and get some support there.

He could do GCSE's one or two at a time. You could use tutors, he could self learn, he could use a online school.

The expected path of bricks and mortar school, 8 GCSE's at 16 and written exams do not suit every child.

We've turned around a complete ASD burnout at a very pushy grammar into Maths and English GCSE's and onto college in just over a year, via 6 months off.

Good luck!

itsawildwildworld · 05/09/2023 08:23

Have pm'd you

Againlosinghope · 05/09/2023 08:32

Wow this thread demonstrate perfectly why it's so difficult for families with children that have SEN and/or mental health struggles.

HE was a definite possibility as in order of importance GCSEs are not more important than their mental health and ultimately their life.
We changed schools because it was a last resort before home education route. It has helped in as far I'm not currently worried that my child will kill themselves which was a daily worry previously
They get more support, aren't suicidal but I wouldn't say they are happy and while doing better with school work due to support it's still so hard for them and they are unlikely to pass any exams. Their self esteem is ruined from previous school.

It shows a type of privilege that many focused on HE meaning child not getting 9 GCSE, not being isolated (you can be surrounded by people and still be isolated)
I also know a young adult with great GCSE results but.unable to work due to the mental toll school took. Do you really believe those results were worth it?

Mental health and well being comes first every time

Good luck with what you decide OP. No one outside of the situation realizes how difficult this is for families x

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