You can’t compare ttc for a few months to infertility and losses

[Cartwheels82]

What do other people think about this?

2 scenarios that have happened over the last couple of weeks and it’s got me wondering if I’m being unreasonable to think this or not.

Friend and I went for dinner, friend and I had our babies similar times. I had 2 pregnancy losses before my DS (1 singleton and 1 twin pregnancy). Friend told me she completely understands what it’s like, because it took her 5 months to conceive. We were chatting about my feelings about my losses now I have DS and when I mentioned that I feared another loss with DS and worried I wouldn’t of become a mum she said “Oh I felt like that and know exactly what it’s like to be in your position because it took me just under 5 months to conceive” I paused and didn’t know what to say. I just thought oh her feelings are valid, it is hard when you want a baby and you come on your period so didn’t think much of it!

Until I went to a baby group last week and one of the mums with an older baby was asking a mum who had 7 year’s infertility about her IVF, because they’ve been trying now for 3 months to conceive their 2nd and it’s not happening for them. The woman was cringing and I could tell she felt a bit uncomfortable, the woman trying to say she knew what her infertility was like as 14 weeks later and still no pregnancy.

What do you think about this? I totally agree everyone’s feelings are valid by the way x

Just realised I didn’t even get into my AIBU. The woman who went through IVF moved away and the other lady asked me if she said anything wrong, which I said I think maybe just saying that you know what infertility feels like after 3 months when she went through 7 years of it. Woman got a bit funny and left. Now I don’t know if I should of said that or not.

It is not a competition and no one has the right to comment on what others think

Yanbu, given you cannot seek help until you've been trying for 12 months without conceiving.

I had to put up with a lot of this during my 9 years of trying.

@WandaWonder I do totally get that, maybe I shouldn’t of said that to her but I just think it’s hurtful to say you know how infertility or losses are when you’ve only taken a few months to concieve

i know it’s hard to get negatives when you really want a baby, even if it’s 1 month

I am cringing at the women trying to make that comparison. Perhaps to be kind to them, they were trying to empathise... but really if they wanted to do that, a better comment would have been "I found it difficult that it took us 5 months to conceive, I can't begin to imagine how tough your experience has been" but perhaps best option is just not to bring their own experiences into the equation.

Like many things in life, we all experience things differently and all feeling are valid but it is difficult to have to be involved in a conversation that, even unintentionally, tramples on your own feelings about personal matters.

I'm currently going through fertility treatment and do feel quite "fragile" about conversations in this regard, so whilst I can't say I have experienced the losses you have had (I'm sorry for those) I can understand that these comments can be hurtful.

Two of my best friends have had pre 12 weeks miscarriages recently. I very luckily haven’t had an MC (and unlikely to now I’ve completed my family) but it took us a year to conceive DD whereas they fell pregnant quickly. I also had an unplanned pregnancy with DS. My sister is about to start IVF. I’ve had general discussions about how hard it is when the course of starting a family doesn’t run smoothly, how hard it is when you’re ready and biology isn’t playing ball, how annoying it is when it seems to be working for everyone but you!

But no, I wouldn’t never assume my 12 months of trying means I know what my sister at 23 months or my friends experiencing pregnancy loss are going through.

Frankly even if someone’s been through the same as me I wouldn’t assume they felt the same - for me 12 months of trying was deeply stressful, but I know others who it was just a bit annoying for.

Sorry your AIBU post hadnt come up before I replied - I say YANBU.

The woman asked your opinion and you gave an honest answer. She should have taken your comment on board and reflected on it. It really irks me when people ask questions like that when all they really want is to have it confirmed to them that they weren't in the wrong. Hopefully she was embarrassed in the moment but has later realised how hurtful her words could have been to the other lady.

I also agree you weren’t in the wrong for saying what you did to the woman in scenario 2. I remember feeling like a bit of a ‘tourist’ from month 9 with the infertility world, as I’d started to look into next steps if it didn’t happen for us within a year. As it was it happened for us while we were waiting for my cycle to start for tests, and I appreciate we were very lucky. Prior to that point I would not have spoken to anyone with diagnosed infertility because I was acutely aware it would be insensitive given we weren’t in that boat yet.

I hope what you said caused that woman to be a bit more self aware in future and hopefully put her troubles into perspective.

Of course you are right, it's very insensitive to even compare them. Although, many entitled women think "they are struggling with infertility" just because it took a few months of naturally TTC. Like other poster said, it should be 12 months to be defined as infertility by a doctor.

I think when you're trying to conceive it can be all consuming for some people, so maybe it just feels worse than it is? I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm infertile and I absolutely wouldn't take kindly to somebody telling me they know what it's like because they've been trying to conceive for a few months.

Definitely not unreasonable!!

I think there’s a sense in which you can start to get it and understand within a few months. So she was just trying to emphasise from the context of her experience. But obviously the longer it goes on the more difficult it can become and seven years is a huge part of the other mum’s life.

But then try telling her story to someone who never eventually gets pregnant and never gets the ‘happy ending’ to their story…

It’s all about perspective.

Ignorance is bliss I guess. I generally avoid the conversation about how long it takes people to conceive and don't really give much back when people say "oh I must be super fertile it happened first time for all of mine" or "yeah I know what that must be like, it took us 4 months to conceive ours". I genuinely can't relate and it takes me to dark places like why does it take me on average 2.5 years to make a baby and the ones I do make don't make it to 12 weeks. It's not a fun conversation or one I want to be part of so don't blame the mum who has been through IVF distancing herself.

I think you were totally right to explain to that woman, especially considering she asked if she had said anything wrong.

People can be so self absorbed. Of course its different suffering multiple losses and/ or needing fertility treatment to conceive compared to someone who conceived naturally after a few months with no losses.

People who are so insensitive to compare their straightforward journey to the heartbreak of others are so ignorant. I don't believe their feelings of loss when they get their period on month three of trying are valid either.

It is more from ignorance than malice. Not worth getting worked up about.

YANBU. That woman was astonishingly insensitive, I'm baffled that she couldn't see that herself.

Some people are so self-absorbed that they can’t relate to others without inserting their own experience with a situation, no matter how unrelated. You had the displeasure of encountering two in quick succession.

They remind me of an influencer who will blab on about her “infertility journey”, which is getting pregnant the first time they tried, then having to try for 6 months for the second. Complete with teary selfies etc.

Happens on here too, plenty of threads started about people commenting on their TTC journey (hate that term) which turns out is only 3 months long. I get they’re sad but you’ve just started.

I think it's not the Grief Olympics. Everyone is affected by different things in different ways. I have a friend still grieving a loss of a child through miscarriage, thinking every year about what could have been and thinking of the due date as a 'birthday'. Despite having a child before and currently about to give birth for another. The child has a name and she had something made in his memory.

To some that may seem excessive and unnecessary, but it's how she feels.

Some people are just a bit self-absorbed and tactless. I find that these people haven't witnessed a friend or family member struggle with infertility.

One of my oldest friends has had such a difficult time with multiple rounds of IVF etc. If I hadn't seen her go through this journey then I don't think I would fully grasp it either. However, I wouldn't go as far to say that I would be this unempathetic! They are next level.

Yanbu. As there had been a reaction by the lady who had been through the IVF, you only answered the woman's question. It might make her more mindful in the future as it sounds like she got so consumed with her conception issues, she was blinded by how insensitive it was.

Re your first post, I agree with you that you can't compare years of ttc to multiple losses. After my 4th miscarriage, someone trying to be helpful said "if anything, at least you know you can conceive. That's reassuring and probably better than never having conceived at all as the chances are, one will stick". I was really upset by this comment (I didn't show it to the person), however looking back now, I know they didn't mean to offend and it was said with good intentions. It is one of these occasions where people probably have to experience it to totally get it.

You’re right, you can’t compare. I’d be upset in both those situations having recently had a loss. I think a lot of people think it will be instant and panic if it’s not, there should be more education that it’s normal to take a year.

It can work the other way around too, with women so keen to tell you all about their fertility struggles conceiving their various children, as they look out upon their large family frolicking in the sunshine!

I think we can all acknowledge past pain but, if you are fortunate enough to have completed your family, then it is more tactful to be outwardly content with your situation.

I'm lifelong infertile so you can't compare your situation to me if you go by your standards! You aren't infertile and you have a child so you are being unreasonable to say only those who have had as hard a journey as you have a right to be upset. By that token you have no right to be upset because my journey has been infinitely worse than yours.
I don't genuinely feel that though - I think everyone who struggles to conceive has a valid reason to be upset.

I think generally people are just terribly insensitive around infertility and loss likely because it makes them feel uncomfortable. But I also agree with the poster that said that some people just can't help inserting their own drama into another's sadness. Well done for being honest at the baby group though, that won't have been easy but it was the right thing to do.

It's hard to be objective, when you have no yardstick as to what "worse" might feel like. For that reason, I tend to avoid ever, ever saying "I know how you feel", because it's just not helpful. I tend to say "I really can't imagine, I've found my trivial by comparison issue [with disability, ttc or whatever] hard enough". It seems quite condescending to say you know how they feel, you're not them, you know little to nothing of their past or context.
I think it's a misguided attempt at empathy and I do try to see it that way. It's also not as bad as people who tell me that what I'm sad about doesn't matter - easy to say when you're not affected, isn't it.