Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You can’t compare ttc for a few months to infertility and losses

57 replies

Cartwheels82 · 04/09/2023 12:41

What do other people think about this?

2 scenarios that have happened over the last couple of weeks and it’s got me wondering if I’m being unreasonable to think this or not.

Friend and I went for dinner, friend and I had our babies similar times. I had 2 pregnancy losses before my DS (1 singleton and 1 twin pregnancy). Friend told me she completely understands what it’s like, because it took her 5 months to conceive. We were chatting about my feelings about my losses now I have DS and when I mentioned that I feared another loss with DS and worried I wouldn’t of become a mum she said “Oh I felt like that and know exactly what it’s like to be in your position because it took me just under 5 months to conceive” I paused and didn’t know what to say. I just thought oh her feelings are valid, it is hard when you want a baby and you come on your period so didn’t think much of it!

Until I went to a baby group last week and one of the mums with an older baby was asking a mum who had 7 year’s infertility about her IVF, because they’ve been trying now for 3 months to conceive their 2nd and it’s not happening for them. The woman was cringing and I could tell she felt a bit uncomfortable, the woman trying to say she knew what her infertility was like as 14 weeks later and still no pregnancy.

What do you think about this? I totally agree everyone’s feelings are valid by the way x

OP posts:
gemloving · 04/09/2023 13:48

I agree, very different to experience loss and then compare it to trying for 5 months.

Then the next example is also very different, strange to even try to compare.

I recently had a still birth at 35 weeks and a few people who had early miscarriages told me they know what it's like whereas I also think they really don't and it's completely different.

BranchingOut · 04/09/2023 13:58

Tactless remarks are a sort of icing on top of the pain, aren’t they?

Flowers 💐 to anyone on this thread who has experienced infertility and loss - I will send myself a bunch while I’m at it! 💐

Goingthere · 04/09/2023 13:59

For my own sanity, I try to view it as "it's all relative". To those people, they truly feel panic and upset every month that it doesn't work out and those are legitimate feelings. Just as those of us who suffered through years of infertility and loss are broken at times and also have legitimate feelings.

I do struggle when people ask for advice after month one, or month four etc of trying. But I try to empathise, rather than compare. I was once at month one, or month four etc too. They can't possibly imagine what it's like to be at month 50, and to be honest I hope they never have to experience it.

There is no comparison. I have met lots of people who also dealt with infertility for as long as I have and my journey is not comparable to theirs. Infertility is so individual, and at times very lonely, so I try to be kind whenever I'm mentally able to.

Goingthere · 04/09/2023 14:01

I should add to my comment above that I have also been the one who cringed or cried or got angry at people who caught me at the wrong time asking for support when I could barely stay on my own feet.

mosiacmaker · 04/09/2023 14:01

I don’t think you said anything wrong if you gently pointed out that she was being insensitive. She might have just gone a bit “funny” as she realised she’d made an error and was embarrassed/felt guilty, rather than because she thought you were out of line.

CharlotteBog · 04/09/2023 14:03

Trying to get pregnant for 5 months is not experiencing infertility.

hippopotamuz · 04/09/2023 14:09

I've been struggling for over 4 years now and I would just ignore comments like this. They are often said by people who don't really understand but are trying to find some connection with you.

It's the kind of thing that there's no point getting worked up about because you will not change it.

There are a lot of things I'm more upset about when it comes to my journey with fertility, this sort of thing isn't really on my radar. It's just insignificant to me when I think about the struggles I've had.

Of course I know that someone who has been TTC for a few months has absolutely no way of understanding my hellish journey, but if they want to think they do, whatever - their pain/ emotions are valid for them - I'm just not really interested either way!

CatherinedeBourgh · 04/09/2023 14:17

It's difficult. Different people take things different ways. I know a couple who took a few years (about 3 or 4) to conceive their second and they were definitely much more stressed out after a couple of years than dh and I were after over 5 years of not being able to conceive our first, we just felt if they came they came and if they didn't it'd just be us.

We also had a very very early miscarriage between dc 1 and 2, and I did empathise with my friend who had had 2 (later) miscarriages, although I acknowledged it was not the same, and I was pg with ds2 at the time whereas she never managed to carry a second pg to term...was I wrong? I think she appreciated the sympathy tbh...

Original poster
Cartwheels82 · 04/09/2023 14:40

@JustforAlice You are completely correct, your situation is “worse” than mine! 100%. I’m so sorry x

What my post is basically saying is NOT to compare rather than compare. As in, stop comparing your 3 months ttc to someone who is infertile for 7 years. Stop saying it’s the same situation or trying to relate to someone that’s had it worse. It’s like me saying to someone who lost a baby at 3 days old that I know their pain as I had a couple of miscarriages. I wouldn’t say that to someone. I wouldn’t tell someone I know what it’s like when they tell me they’ve had a stillbirth.

that’s what my post is geared at, maybe I didn’t word it correctly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cartwheels82 · 04/09/2023 14:43

@gemloving This is what I’m trying to get at with my post, people shouldn’t compare or suggest their struggles are the same with each other when they haven’t been in the situation. My miscarriages at 8 and 9 weeks are not the same as a 35 week stillbirth and I would never say to you “I know how you feel”

I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 04/09/2023 14:47

I totally agree with you OP. You can’t compare the pressure involved with IVF with a few months of TTC. You should have said to the woman ‘imagine how you feel when you get your period, now imagine you’ve sunk 12 grand in to that cycle, now imagine injecting yourself and having various people staring down your fanny at multiple hospital appointments.’ It’s totally not the same.

rainbowtea23 · 04/09/2023 14:50

TTC is hard for so many people in different ways. Everyone goes on their own journey. I’ve been on both sides of this.

Started to TTC in January 2013 and had an early miscarriage in March 2013. After that nothing for 9 years until conceived in March 2022 after investigations showed nothing obvious and they wouldn’t do anything further for me until I lost weight which I did in 2020 but then put it back on so ironically was heavier when I got pregnant again.

During that time it was so hard to see lots of friends and family have two if not three or even four children in that same period. I’m a private person so found it very hard to share our journey at the time. I would bite my tongue when people would complain about it not happening straight away especially if it did with their first.

I personally don’t think people can really understand infertility and loss unless they’ve been there. People can certainly have empathy and offer support but they don’t get it the same way if they’ve not experienced it and it’s a club you don’t want to find yourself in but you get on with it the best you can.

Where it gets interesting for us was falling unexpectedly pregnant when my little one was 4 months old. My BIL and SIL had their first without trying and had assumed it would be the same again so she was crying as it was unfair we’d got pregnant so easily when she had been trying for 3 months. We didn’t do any huge announcement or anything like that just told family when we saw them but that was too much and she didn’t talk to
me until about six weeks later or so when she found out she was as well.

CaribouCarafe · 04/09/2023 15:05

Urgh yes - I felt pretty murderous listening to my mother recently waxing lyrical about her "infertility journey" (i.e. trying for 5 months for my brother), when she has 3 healthy kids and had no actual issues with pregnancy to me (I've been trying for over 3 years, and had a miscarriage last month...which prompted her crap attempt to make me feel better).

I think it's safest to not make comparisons and just provide support to the person struggling rather than trying to pull up parallels.

wherethedevildontgo · 04/09/2023 15:13

YANBU, it's just not comparable.

Pinkdelight3 · 04/09/2023 15:19

I said I think maybe just saying that you know what infertility feels like after 3 months when she went through 7 years of it.

I think in the examples you give it's women trying to relate and empathise with each other. They're not being comparing or competitive about it, they're trying to be understanding, whereas your response tells them they can't understand and shuts them down. I don't know how that can be good for communication. Someone will always have a harder time than you, someone will have it easier. No point trying to 'win' at that or make people feel shitty. Try to see the good side. Bit like with improv - 'Yes and...' goes a lot further than 'No, but...'

Pinkdelight3 · 04/09/2023 15:22

It’s like me saying to someone who lost a baby at 3 days old that I know their pain as I had a couple of miscarriages. I wouldn’t say that to someone. I wouldn’t tell someone I know what it’s like when they tell me they’ve had a stillbirth.

Course not, but equally you wouldn't say to someone who had a couple of miscarriages that you lost a baby at 3 days old, like their miscarriages don't count. It's all painful, to different degrees of course, but try to be kind to all and give people the benefit of the doubt.

KimberleyClark · 04/09/2023 15:23

You’re not being unreasonable. You’re not considered medically infertile until you have been trying for at least a year. Trying for five months is nothing like struggling for years. And it’s insulting when people say it is.

TakeMe2Insanity · 04/09/2023 15:28

The problem is when people are going through things themselves it becomes magnified and they don’t realise how self absorbed and tone deaf they’ve become.

The infertility road tends to be very long and hard and while people who’ve been ttc for a few months and are then successful really have no idea. I say this as someone who struggled for 10 years of active ttc before having dc.

Original poster
Cartwheels82 · 04/09/2023 15:33

@Pinkdelight3 I personally after reading some replies from this thread do not think I did the wrong thing. I witnessed the convo, she then turned round to me and asked if I heard her say anything wrong. I wouldn’t have said anything otherwise to be honest. So I just was honest and said I think she’s a bit hurt maybe, only because she mentioned it took 7 years of trying and IVF to conceive and you’ve gone on saying you know how she feels but you’ve been trying for 14 weeks.

I was just being honest

OP posts:
TheFireflies · 04/09/2023 15:37

I agree OP. Maybe for some people it’s a very misplaced attempt to empathise, but for some it’s absolutely about creating their own drama.

I'm infertile and have never been able to have a child. I once left a job because of a colleague who continually banged on about how she knew how bad it was for me because she was absolutely certain that she too was infertile and would never have her own family. She hadn’t ever tried, but she once had a womb infection and she just knew it had left her unable to conceive, and what a personal tragedy that was, having to live with this knowledge.

she got married and conceived on their honeymoon, first month of trying.

I was then “treated” to hours and hours of “oh I just can’t believe it, what a miracle, see you should never give up hope!”

Even thinking back on that now, years later, makes me feel a bit murderous.

Original poster
Cartwheels82 · 04/09/2023 15:37

@Pinkdelight3 Also the second post you wrote, the scenarios did not happen though. The woman who took 7 years to conceive did not say that to the other woman to belittle her experience, and I did not mention my 2 losses to my friend - she mentioned them to me. I’d like to think since my losses have taught me a lot about empathy, not to gatekeep grief, and that everyone’s feelings are totally valid. I just get a bit sensitive when people who have not had a loss try and tell me they know how they feel as they took 5 months to conceive. Taking 5 months to conceive is hard, seeing that negative test when you want it to be positive. But I don’t know I just don’t think you should be saying to someone that you know how it feels to have infertility when you haven’t been through it

OP posts:
nokidshere · 04/09/2023 15:39

I do totally get that, maybe I shouldn’t of said that to her but I just think it’s hurtful to say you know how infertility or losses are when you’ve only taken a few months to concieve

It's such a personal thing though. Her pain isn't any less because she's at the beginning of it and someone else is years in. No-one can know how someone else feels.

It took me 17yrs of ttc to finally get pregnant. I can't assume that everyone who got pregnant in 1, 5,or 10 yrs doesn't feel as bad as I did because it took me longer. And, even though I couldn't get pregnant I always felt like I was 'lucky' because being able to get pregnant and still not having a baby somehow felt much worse to me.

I also have severe and chronic psoriasis, it doesn't stop me empathising with friends who think their world is ending because they have a spot or a transient rash for a time.

KimberleyClark · 04/09/2023 15:41

TheFireflies · 04/09/2023 15:37

I agree OP. Maybe for some people it’s a very misplaced attempt to empathise, but for some it’s absolutely about creating their own drama.

I'm infertile and have never been able to have a child. I once left a job because of a colleague who continually banged on about how she knew how bad it was for me because she was absolutely certain that she too was infertile and would never have her own family. She hadn’t ever tried, but she once had a womb infection and she just knew it had left her unable to conceive, and what a personal tragedy that was, having to live with this knowledge.

she got married and conceived on their honeymoon, first month of trying.

I was then “treated” to hours and hours of “oh I just can’t believe it, what a miracle, see you should never give up hope!”

Even thinking back on that now, years later, makes me feel a bit murderous.

I’m not surprised !

SquashPenguin · 04/09/2023 15:41

You did nothing wrong. I’ve been trying for 5.5 years now. In no way is the pain of multiple failed ivf cycles over years and year even remotely the same as ttc for 5 months. I’ve now spent £32k trying to get pregnant. I have no time for people whinging about this sort of stuff, so I tend to cut myself off from these people entirely!

Original poster
Cartwheels82 · 04/09/2023 15:42

@TheFireflies I’m so sorry that you are going through this. That sounds incredibly tough. I agree that some people are just trying to maybe relate, with no malicious intention and I do truly believe that 9/10 that is the case.

But yes there will always be that over dramatic person, I think the lady who said she was infertile after trying for 14 weeks was probably a bit like this. Just the way she was speaking. The worst part is that she told the woman who took 7 years to conceive that she was lucky it only took them 2 rounds of IVF. The whole convo made me cringe. Now I look back I think I did the right thing x

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread