You can’t compare ttc for a few months to infertility and losses

[Cartwheels82]

What do other people think about this?

2 scenarios that have happened over the last couple of weeks and it’s got me wondering if I’m being unreasonable to think this or not.

Friend and I went for dinner, friend and I had our babies similar times. I had 2 pregnancy losses before my DS (1 singleton and 1 twin pregnancy). Friend told me she completely understands what it’s like, because it took her 5 months to conceive. We were chatting about my feelings about my losses now I have DS and when I mentioned that I feared another loss with DS and worried I wouldn’t of become a mum she said “Oh I felt like that and know exactly what it’s like to be in your position because it took me just under 5 months to conceive” I paused and didn’t know what to say. I just thought oh her feelings are valid, it is hard when you want a baby and you come on your period so didn’t think much of it!

Until I went to a baby group last week and one of the mums with an older baby was asking a mum who had 7 year’s infertility about her IVF, because they’ve been trying now for 3 months to conceive their 2nd and it’s not happening for them. The woman was cringing and I could tell she felt a bit uncomfortable, the woman trying to say she knew what her infertility was like as 14 weeks later and still no pregnancy.

What do you think about this? I totally agree everyone’s feelings are valid by the way x

@nokidshere I’m so sorry that it took 17 years. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that time was for you, and that it doesn’t just disappear when you have your child after infertility. And I do completely understand what you are saying. And trying for 5 months is hard, when you want to see that positive test every month is hard. I just personally, do not think that you can say to someone who has been trying for years and years to get pregnant that you know how hard it is, because you’ve been trying for 14 weeks. I think you can understand what I’m trying to say. No one can gate keep grief and sadness waiting for a baby that hasn’t come yet. But sometimes you need to read the room x

Yanbu. I was saying to an acquaintance my friend finally had her miracle baby after four rounds and £100k IVF after 10 years of infertility

Acquaintance said her new baby was also a miracle. But actually already had two children and gets pregnant first time every month albeit had a miscarriage before number three. Baby number three from a natural pregnancy is not the same.

There's a hierarchy even within IVF circles. I've had three rounds and no pregnancy. Then there are the women who have one round and get 15 perfect embryos.

A good friend of mine recently actually said she knew how I felt as she'd had 3 embryo transfers that didn't work (one single one double). I did actually say it wasn't compatible as she only ever did one free NHS round that gave her all the embryos she ever needed plus some to throw away and three children. She understood.

Some people just don't think because they've never had the experience to compare it to.

It depends. I'm now pregnant with our first child after 7-8 years of TTC. I didn't want to go through IVF and I had made peace with my life being child free. I gave up on the idea of having a child over 3 years ago. I have friends who feel their lives are incomplete without having a child. I can't understand what it must be like to go through that. We all handle things differently.

With both examples the women are just disgusting and their inability to empathise just shows such low emotional intelligence.

I did not have trouble conceiving but had multiple early miscarriages and encountered this. I dropped "friends" like this as I did not want anything more to do with them. I had my babies in the end with medical help to keep the pregnancies. The clinic was full of women suffering with boorish behaviours from others. Years later it still has me seething...

Some people are incredibly self involved and ignorant.

I had years of infertility before I had children and lots of comments over that time. Some were really insensitive and others were probably well meaning but a bit thoughtless. I actually think it's difficult for people to say the right thing to someone struggling with infertility and they can often put their foot in their mouths so unless it was really insensitive I let it go over my head.

I think other people used to tell me about their struggles conceiving because they felt that I understood them, not the other way round. I was rarely upset or offended but many others were offended on my behalf, which is just as annoying.

It's all very subjective and relative, but I don't think it's comparable. I also agree with @Dogdaysagain about the hierarchy of infertility.

We struggled with infertility, and it genuinely one of the lowest and loneliest points of my life but we were extremely lucky that IVF worked for us and I don't feel my experience is comparable to someone who has had losses or failed cycles.