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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to want FIL to STOP buying rubbish!!

62 replies

depressionpitofdoom · 04/09/2023 09:03

I understand that he is doing a nice thing and that he enjoys buying things for my children, but the things he buys are unusable and awful and a waste of his money, a waste of my time because I then have to get rid of the things, a disappointment to my children because they think they're getting new things and they're not (they are young children and don't understand fully yet) and frankly he's taking away from someone who could use those items.

For example, the latest things he has bought is a jumper from the charity shop that is a boys jumper in 9-12m. My daughter is 4 years old. (She is tiny but not quite that tiny). I don't know anyone with a baby that young I can't give it to someone else and I don't have time to take it back to another charity shop. And 12 pairs of very, very old fashioned school knee high socks that are far too large for my eldest. I really struggle with keeping my home manageable and all that's happening is I'm accumulating a mountain of absolute rubbish. I've been told I'm unreasonable and nasty if I tell him to stop buying things because it brings him happiness - but it's driving me insane.

I'm the one who has to get rid of it all, I don't have space in my home for all of this tat that won't get used and can't be sold because its in terrible condition or so old fashioned that nobody would use it and I don't drive. For me. Taking something to a charity shop takes 2 hours out of my day, I dont want to just throw things in the bin but I feel like I have no choice. Someone else could have used those things and its obviously not brilliant for the environment but I don't have space to store it.

OP posts:

PinkDaffodil2 · 04/09/2023 09:05

Is your husband not stepping up to either have a word or take responsibility for getting rid of the stuff? Not your father, I don’t understand why it’s your problem.

Original poster

depressionpitofdoom · 04/09/2023 09:07

He's the one telling me I'm not allowed to ask his dad to stop. He doesn't see an issue with me just throwing something in the bin (or an issue with mess which is another matter entirely). I am fighting a losing battle really.

OP posts:

GOODCAT · 04/09/2023 09:09

If it is clothes, can you say you have a friend with a slightly older child who hands down now. Instead your would like him to pay for a regular trip to Y or you would like to open a bank account for your child and would be be willing to help find one and go with you to open it, then on a regular basis take her in to add her pocket money to it.

As small kids we were given pocket money and taken to a building society to pay in some of it, we chose how much then would go and get a pocket money treat. Or at least my sisters did, I preferred to save it.

usernother · 04/09/2023 09:10

He's obviously getting pleasure from doing this. If he's buying stuff that is too small I'd return it to him and tell him they don't fit, does he want to return it to the charity shop, or if he's bought new, ask him to take to the charity shop.

Whataretheodds · 04/09/2023 09:13

Your DH is being unreasonable.

If buying the stuff brings your FIL joy he can keep it in his own house.

Original poster

depressionpitofdoom · 04/09/2023 09:13

The problem is I'm not the one who sees him, he's handing it to my partner who then brings it home for me to deal with. I have suggested the bank accounts or just pocket money for them to choose their own little treats it's not worked

OP posts:

VintageTuppence · 04/09/2023 09:14

Can you repurpose items? The jumper could fit a doll or a teddy and the socks could be sent to a school or kindy to make puppets from. If you are going to tell him not to buy any more, phrase it very carefully and don’t suggest what he could be buying instead.

usernother · 04/09/2023 09:21

depressionpitofdoom · 04/09/2023 09:13

Well if your OH won't return the stuff to him, just give up and bin it in that case. You've tried your best.

namechange55465 · 04/09/2023 09:25

Your OH needs to bin it if that's what he wants to do with it. He doesn't get to make it your problem to deal with.

Oysterbabe · 04/09/2023 09:25

How often is he buying things OP? My dad loves buying absolute shite for the kids on car boot sales. We only see him a few times a year so we just smile and say thanks then give it away. He's an old man and it makes him happy so I just deal with it.

Bonbon21 · 04/09/2023 09:26

You explain how all the different makes seem to have different sizes these days and hand him a list of the correct sizes (or even slightly bigger to allow for out of season purchases!) for your kids..
And if he doesnt stick to that give him the items back and say its too small.... too big...
If he is insistent on spending his money it might as well fit...

Jk987 · 04/09/2023 09:28

, a disappointment to my children because they think they're getting new things and they're not (they are young children and don't understand fully yet)

Children that young don't know or care about whether things are new or not. It's you who's disappointed not them!

I'd give all the unsuitable stuff back to your husband to deal with.

Original poster

depressionpitofdoom · 04/09/2023 09:33

When I say new I mean to them! I BUY them bits from charity shops that not the issue. The issue is: here's a present - they're excited - it doesn't fit them or is totally unsuitable for them (a crop top for a 5 year old was another questionable purchase). Believe me I would be happy with nothing. I don't care if somethings new or not - I just care that its more work for me when I'm already drowning in things that need doing.

OP posts:

Original poster

depressionpitofdoom · 04/09/2023 09:35

My only thing about the charity shop is that someone who's struggling for money could have made far better use out of some of those items than I can.

OP posts:

Kucinghitam · 04/09/2023 09:35

FiL does this all the time. He can't resist a jumble sale or charity shop or anywhere he thinks will have bargains.

Some of the treasures he's given DDs in recent years are: a toddler's wooden abacus, mobile of cute little cartoony characters for hanging over a baby's cot, baby board books and highly technical textbooks on random topics (both from a library sale), little handbags with Mickey Mouse on them, bottles of foundation in very pale colour, eyebrow makeup palettes, some sort of eye-bag cream...

DH has repeatedly (but nicely and with gratitude) asked FiL not to do this but he just can't resist. Eventually we gave up and just accept the gifts with copious thanks, then charity shop or bin it all immediately.

msbevvy · 04/09/2023 09:35

If it is such a long way to a charity shop is there any chance there is a container for clothes at a local recycling centre? There is an one at our local supermarket and also at the fire station.

In your shoes I would be furious with your partner for not trying to stop you getting lumbered with things and also for wanting to just chuck unwanted items in the bin.

jannier · 04/09/2023 09:38

Tell dp to stop at a charity clothes collection bin on his way home he he must pass one

Jellycats4life · 04/09/2023 09:39

I can’t believe you’re getting so many replies suggesting that you waste your valuable time and mental energy repurposing and regifting the piles of unwanted CRAP your FIL is foisting upon you.

Fuck that.

Your FIL has a problem. Call it compulsive spending, call it a form of hoarding, call it whatever you like. He doesn’t get to feel good about himself for treating the grandkids when the stuff he buys is totally useless.

If I were you I’d refuse to take it. Especially the grotty clothing.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 04/09/2023 09:39

jannier · 04/09/2023 09:38

Tell dp to stop at a charity clothes collection bin on his way home he he must pass one

Yup. He's accepting the stuff, it should be his problem, not yours.

Workawayxx · 04/09/2023 09:39

Anglo collections are your friend here. They pick up black bags of clothes/toys - you just leave on your doorstep and they come monthly or twice a month. You sign up here. They donate to charity (you can choose from a few which you want to support) but do also make money I believe. At least the stuff isn’t going to land fill.

MintJulia · 04/09/2023 09:41

I sympathise. My dm used to work in a charity shop and did this. It drove me crazy until I put an extra recycling box in the garage. Everything she bought went straight in the box, and then into the Salvation Army collection box at Tesco on a Saturday morning.

The longest any of her 'bargains' spent in my house was 7 days.

She enjoyed buying them, I dropped them off on my regular routine. She had a free hobby for two minutes of my time.

thecatsthecats · 04/09/2023 09:44

I have a new rule that unwanted gifts don't get further than the hallway. There's a regifting/recycling/charity shop/clothes bin right next to the front door.

I thank the recipient, and it goes straight in the box for going out again. No dithering over whether it gets house room.

Stormydayagain · 04/09/2023 09:51

I know how you feel, MIL loves a bargain, so will buy clothes in the sale (just supermarket stuff) years ahead of dd age. We live in a tiny cottage with no attic space, bedrooms in the attic where we can't have proper wardrobes due to low ceiling, DH taking up one room as office for WFH etc. I've said over and over that we don't have space to store much stuff. But she can't stop herself.

It is also always on me to declutter and me to do charity shop runs. It drives me bonkers. I try to live fairly minimalisticly, partly by choice and partly out of necessity and then end up feeling like I'm hoarding by proxy due to MILs behaviour.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 04/09/2023 09:54

Shove it all in dh's car boot or wardrobe..

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/09/2023 09:56

Don't let your DH even bring it into the house he has to keep it in his own car and get rid of it. The eco anxiety if he chooses to bin rather than charity shop or recycle isn't on your shoulders

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