Am I unreasonable to want FIL to STOP buying rubbish!!

[depressionpitofdoom]

I understand that he is doing a nice thing and that he enjoys buying things for my children, but the things he buys are unusable and awful and a waste of his money, a waste of my time because I then have to get rid of the things, a disappointment to my children because they think they're getting new things and they're not (they are young children and don't understand fully yet) and frankly he's taking away from someone who could use those items.

For example, the latest things he has bought is a jumper from the charity shop that is a boys jumper in 9-12m. My daughter is 4 years old. (She is tiny but not quite that tiny). I don't know anyone with a baby that young I can't give it to someone else and I don't have time to take it back to another charity shop. And 12 pairs of very, very old fashioned school knee high socks that are far too large for my eldest. I really struggle with keeping my home manageable and all that's happening is I'm accumulating a mountain of absolute rubbish. I've been told I'm unreasonable and nasty if I tell him to stop buying things because it brings him happiness - but it's driving me insane.

I'm the one who has to get rid of it all, I don't have space in my home for all of this tat that won't get used and can't be sold because its in terrible condition or so old fashioned that nobody would use it and I don't drive. For me. Taking something to a charity shop takes 2 hours out of my day, I dont want to just throw things in the bin but I feel like I have no choice. Someone else could have used those things and its obviously not brilliant for the environment but I don't have space to store it.

Just bin it. Don’t feel bad, it’s not your fault! My FIL is the same, maybe slightly less useless stuff but still unnecessary, unwanted charity shop junk. I just get rid of it as soon as my child forgets about it.

Yup

Have you checked out how you might give stuff away to people who pick it up from yours? Eg locally here there is a hand me on group for parents, run through facebook.

Have you tried to redirect FIL to buy what you do want? Tell him in detail what size your DC are and what they need? That might work out easier than asking him to buy nothing at all.

I would put a box in his office and anything of his or his family's that needs to go goes in there- he can either live with the box/pile or get rid. If he chooses not to recycle that's on his conscience not yours

An app called olio is also good for giving stufff away for free but it's not your job to admin this

Is your FIL clearly being told that these things are not useful? If he hands them to his son who says thank you, he may not realise. If your DH is not happy with you saying that he should buy nothing at all, how about, every time, you send a message like this: "thank you so much for the lovely thing! Unfortunately we will have to hand it on as it is the wrong size. The DC are sizes x, y and z. Would be lovely if you could get them some new trousers if you see any as we are short of those."

If he gets that message every time, instead of just being thanked by his son, then he may clock on and start being a useful source of nice things.

I would just shove it all in the bin. There’s only so much you can do if it’s a 2 hour mess about to get to a charity shop.

Don’t allow your boyfriend to make it your problem. He accepts the trash, it gets put in to a bin bag and left in his car/his side of the bed. Spread the ‘joy’, it’s an act of kindness.
No need for you to give it a moments thought.

My MIL does this. I keep a carrier bag hanging under the stairs and all the crap goes straight in there. Then as soon as the next charity collection bag comes through the door (about once a week round our way) out it all goes.

So your DH does not want to mention to his dad to stop buying useless stuff? And doesn't want you to raise it either? Well, then tell your DH he can be the one that checks every item (for size, suitability etc) before presenting to the children. And he can be the one who takes unsuitable items to a charity shop/clothing bank.

Like you, I would be deeply uncomfortable with just binning it all - such as waste. Tell DH it's his job to find somewhere to donate unsuitable stuff.

Ah gift anxiety! I feel your pain. FIL is doing something that makes him feel good without putting any thought into it whatsoever. So it’s really all about him than the kids.
tge shite I’ve been given over the years by people who I thought knew me and the fact they got me so ‘way off the mark pressies makes me feel unseen and invalid. I think that’s the crux of it, particularly if I’ve said I don’t want anything or if I’ve been specifically asked and then my response is completely ignored. It’s infuriating.
as it’s stuff from a charity shop it’s not quite so bad but must be disappointing for the kids nonetheless.

You need to put it somewhere where it inconveniences your partner until he deals with it. So if he has his own car, the stuff stays in the boot. If it comes in the house, it goes on his desk or in his wardrobe or if all else fails, on the floor by his side of the bed. You don't even open the bags to look what's there - it's your partners job to sort through the junk. If your partner complains about the stuff being in his way, remind him that his dad gets pleasure from buying it all and tell your partner he is being unreasonable and nasty ...

Some great suggestions here. Love jellybabies' idea. You have to make it your husband's problem if he won't let you talk to fil and stop him.

Also, the idea of having some sort of box in the hallway is brillliant. Straight in it goes! Or the garage. Perfect!

I do get though that if space is scarce it is much more tricky. Don't give up!

Just tell your boyfriends father to stop buying things .

My MIL is exactly the same.

I find it borderline offensive that she puts zero thought into these ‘gifts’ just that she gets a thrill out of getting a bargain (she doesn’t care that clothing won’t fit/things are damaged/absolutely not our style etc).

At least my DH keeps all these ‘gifts’ in the boot and drops them off at the nearest charity shop.

My in-laws to this! They love a sale so buy things that are cheap but totally inappropriate like books for a 10 yr old when my son is an infant, a snowsuit when it doesn’t snow where I live, four cheap diaper bags plus one of those net drapes you hang over your bed - to name a few recent weird purchases. They’ll then ask us for money whenever they are in a bind after spending a bunch on this junk.

My husband did step in and tell them to stop. He explained that we want to keep gifts to birthday and Christmas only and that it should be a limit of one gift at a time. His Mum was a bit confused and maybe disappointed but as she’s a grown adult, I think it’s ok to set healthy boundaries. Your FIL isn’t the only one who matters here. Your husband should say something

This

He's making it into your problem to deal with

If he doesn't want to ask FIL to stop buying unsuitable things then he's the one that needs to get rid of them, not you

I had this with my DM. I asked her to subscribe to a children’s magazine then kids news magazine, which stemmed the flow of crap for quite a few years. But in fairness to your FIL, he will be getting a lot of pleasure from shopping for the kids.

Put it all in a bag and offer it on Freecyle, you can leave it outside to be picked up.
Or, round here people leave stuff on top of their walls or larger items propped against them and they get taken.

Yes we have one of these. PILs go down the Aldi asile of crap every week it seems, and they grab anything that looks like it's for children. This has meant the children have ended up with random kitchenware quite frequently because it's plastic and colourful so PILs assumed it was for children. We've also had stuff that's completely age-inappropriate.

They have also kept loads from when DH and his sister were babies in the 70s, half of it has decayed from improper storage e.g. holes, mouldy, gone a weird colour from damp stains. It's all truly awful stuff as well. MIL got really offended when I put DH's childhood Duplo (which was 90% those old windowframes with no windows or doors) through the dishwasher after she gave it to DS (age 1 at the time, so putting everything in his mouth) and it was absolutely filthy. She got even more angry that I binned all the broken pieces.

The really annoying thing is they won't bloody communicate about what they're getting the kids for Christmas, so every year we get duplicates of things the kids already have. I am a bit of a minimalist and hate unnecessary waste. Why should I have to take on the mental load of facilitating someone else's shopping addiction and hoarding tendencies?

But the difference is DH is supportive and very firmly tells his parents to take the crap back home 3 times out of 4. So we only get deluges of total rubbish every few months.

Can you sell it to your H. as wouldn't it be lovely to have useful stuff instead, FIL shouldn't be wasting his money, and the gifts could be appreciated?

I'd be looking at how to steer FIL into buying stuff that you could actually use & would be appreciated. You could suggest a list, on Google Keep, of "random useful things we need to buy sometime". Invite your FIl to be able to view the list. On the list, put links to specific products or very specific descriptions, not just "Clothes for Beth". Make sure you do buy stuff for yourself from the list, and then remove from the list, so it doesn't look obviously targetted at FIL.

I think some people get a real dopamine hit from gift giving to the point where it's all about them rather than the recipient. Same with those people who'd rather do a pile of tat presents for Christmas than smaller more suitable gifts.

You need to be making this your DPs problem if he won't talk to his dad.

Put it in your husbands car boot.

Yes, my MIL is all about the gift pile being nice enough/gifty enough/cute by her definition.

She just can't articulate it in her head that "thecats asked for X when I asked her, so I'll get X".

It has to be "X from a cutesy shop" (with cutesy added features that make it unusable), or "that book I wanted, but the 3" thick paperback instead of the Kindle edition because it's nice to have something to unwrap".

But nothing compares to the hoodie my husband gets annually from his aunt. He has sixteen just from her. We do not live in some sort of rapper's mansion to facilitate this level of wardrobe. We don't have a soft-lit closet with each hoodie angled on a hanger and sorted by colour by the maid. But my husband won't just chuck them as they're gifts.

The annual scarves I get (December birthday plus Christmas) all go to the charity shop or replace ones I'm tired of.

Make it your DH’s problem. He’s bringing the stuff home and issuing edicts that you can’t speak to FIL about it. So put a flea in DH’s ear. Mention it daily. Three times daily: have you got rid of X thing yet? No, not in the bin. Text him about it. Put the pile of accumulated crap in his car/wardrobe/WFH desk/side of the bed/top of his PlayStation/golf bag. Make him see the problem.