Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Let me go through your phone"

70 replies

LilyJessie · 03/09/2023 22:50

Is this ever a reasonable request?

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 03/09/2023 22:50

It totally depends….?

Thedogscollar · 03/09/2023 22:51

In an adult relationship no this is not a reasonable request.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 22:53

No. If you feel you have to go through your partner's phone to see if they're being faithful, the relationship is already over, whether they're actually cheating or not.

Gro · 03/09/2023 22:53

Adult to child yes

Adult to adult NO!

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 03/09/2023 22:53

Gro · 03/09/2023 22:53

Adult to child yes

Adult to adult NO!

Came to say this

Original poster
LilyJessie · 03/09/2023 22:54

Adult Relationship....
I believe unreasonable personally, but not sure if I am in the wrong for thinking it.
My therapist said if I'm ever asked again, to say "take me at my word or don't, I am not handing over my phone", but part of me worries I am unreasonable for this and if someone has nothing to hide, why wouldn't they?

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 03/09/2023 22:56

someone has nothing to hide, why wouldn't they?

Because everyone is entitled to privacy and dignity in their relationship

It sounds like you are being emotionally abused

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 22:56

LilyJessie · 03/09/2023 22:54

Adult Relationship....
I believe unreasonable personally, but not sure if I am in the wrong for thinking it.
My therapist said if I'm ever asked again, to say "take me at my word or don't, I am not handing over my phone", but part of me worries I am unreasonable for this and if someone has nothing to hide, why wouldn't they?

You are entitled to your privacy, that's why. If your partner is asking to look through your phone, you should be absolutely running for the hills. That's what your therapist wants to tell you, I can assure you.

theGooHasGone · 03/09/2023 22:58

"If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear" is a terrible argument. Everyone deserves privacy regardless of whether they have anything to hide or not.

SandSunWaves · 03/09/2023 22:59

This is really hard but yes, if there is a genuine, real reason to suspect cheating, drugs, excessive gambling or massive debt. I'd only expect this request to come after some information/ event that meant that if the request was no the relationship was over anyway. E.g I've just found this bank statement showing a night in a hotel in the opposite city to where you told me you were with work/ found evidence of hard drugs/ this massive credit card bill etc.

No, it's not reasonable for a random feeling of cheating, 'i just want to check', ' if you loved me you'd always let me check' etc. I'n most cases it's hugely controling but there are some cases in serious relationships where it's needed.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/09/2023 22:59

Not in an adult relationship no.

Marriage doesn't mean someone isn't entitled to privacy.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 03/09/2023 23:01

"If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear" is a terrible argument. Everyone deserves privacy regardless of whether they have anything to hide or not.

Absolutely this. Privacy and dignity are in no way whatsoever equivalent to illegal/immoral/shameful.

If anybody claims otherwise, demand to know whether they lock the door when using a public toilet and, if so, what are they doing in there that they know they shouldn't?

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2023 23:02

Never acceptable. Is it your partner? If they don't trust you or believe what you say then they shouldn't be with you. The end.

Distrust has no place in a good relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 23:02

SandSunWaves · 03/09/2023 22:59

This is really hard but yes, if there is a genuine, real reason to suspect cheating, drugs, excessive gambling or massive debt. I'd only expect this request to come after some information/ event that meant that if the request was no the relationship was over anyway. E.g I've just found this bank statement showing a night in a hotel in the opposite city to where you told me you were with work/ found evidence of hard drugs/ this massive credit card bill etc.

No, it's not reasonable for a random feeling of cheating, 'i just want to check', ' if you loved me you'd always let me check' etc. I'n most cases it's hugely controling but there are some cases in serious relationships where it's needed.

If you have a bank statement showing a night in a hotel that's all the proof you need, so again, no, there is no justification to go through another adult's phone.

sparkleshin · 03/09/2023 23:04

When you're with someone you usually know what you can and cant trust them with so yes it can be reasonable to want to look to put your mind at rest

WrylyAmused · 03/09/2023 23:04

Trust is essential in a relationship.

Privacy is a perfectly reasonable requirement in a relationship.

If having privacy means there's no trust, then there's really no relationship. If the only way someone trusts you is by you "proving" it over and over, then they don't actually trust you.

And if they don't trust you, that is going to turn into a very bad relationship soon, and very likely a controlling one as well, as they try to use control over you to substitute for their lack of trust/security. (I mean actually, it's already going to be a bad relationship, but the "bad" may not be fully showing itself yet.)

As to "nothing to hide" - I've always thought
this a pretty silly argument. I've nothing to hide about, for example, going to the toilet. Everyone does it, nothing shameful about it. And also, I don't want to broadcast it on the internet for everyone to see!!
Having your own boundaries about what you wish to share, wanting privacy and space which is just your own - these are perfectly reasonable needs, which a reasonable partner will respect.

Curseofthenation · 03/09/2023 23:11

There is no chance that I would hand my phone over to my DH if he made this request (not that he would), and I have nothing to hide. I do act as a confidant to friends though and it would be very wrong for him to read what they had confided.

Sometimes your search history can be an extension of your brain too. So it would feel very invasive in that sense. My DH doesn't need to know every question that runs through my mind - Google regularly has to put up with that shit though 😅.

RichieMcAl · 03/09/2023 23:13

DH and I know each others passcodes but would never feel the needs to go through the others phone, but useful if we need the other to type a message whilst we’re driving!

sparkleshin · 03/09/2023 23:14

I think if your relationship with someone has gotten too close to the point where you need to hide it from your partner then somethings going on

SandSunWaves · 03/09/2023 23:15

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 23:02

If you have a bank statement showing a night in a hotel that's all the proof you need, so again, no, there is no justification to go through another adult's phone.

Show quote history

But that's one example of many and no if you have a partner who works away for example that's not always so simple.

You'd rather take the risk that you know everything and walk out and ruin a marriage, devastate and traumatise kids on a hunch than check a phone?

Hotel receipt could show planning for a suprise party, illness that he wanted to check before scaring you, shopping trip for something specific you wanted, issue with family member or close friend they've asked not to share. Error of judgement but doesn't warrant walking out.

Life isn't that simple. Most people want to be sure.

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2023 23:20

sparkleshin · 03/09/2023 23:14

I think if your relationship with someone has gotten too close to the point where you need to hide it from your partner then somethings going on

Looks like the partner's arrived!

Tilllly · 03/09/2023 23:20

LilyJessie · 03/09/2023 22:54

Adult Relationship....
I believe unreasonable personally, but not sure if I am in the wrong for thinking it.
My therapist said if I'm ever asked again, to say "take me at my word or don't, I am not handing over my phone", but part of me worries I am unreasonable for this and if someone has nothing to hide, why wouldn't they?

Because whilst I have nothing to hide from DH, things my friends have told me are not for his knowledge
They were telling me, not him

Jdoap · 03/09/2023 23:21

If my husband had a concern, I would let him go through my phone once and then when he had seen there was nothing there we would need to discuss why he felt like he needed to do that, how we could change things and if we needed therapy. If I had any concerns about my husband I wouldn't check his phone/ask to look at his for various reasons.

Septemberdaysarehere · 03/09/2023 23:22

My ex husband used to do this - hand your phone over now or I’m divorcing you 1,2 …. And I did.
He also handed his over when he took mine so I could ‘check’ check what or why I never knew but he deleted everything prior everything …. Turns out he had a second phone so was ok at handing his over.

UndercoverCop · 03/09/2023 23:25

DH looking through five million apps because he never deletes one , looking for the app that controls the smart lamp/speaker thing. I couldn't remember what it was called but knew I'd recognise it if I saw it, so said chuck me your phone I'll find it.
Outside of this context, no.
I have nothing to hide from DH but I do have personal conversations with friends, my MN account etc. It's a bit like reading someone's diary. Wrong.