"Let me go through your phone"

[LilyJessie]

Is this ever a reasonable request?

I have no issue with my DH having my phone, using it to google, take a photo, make a phone call, anything like that. He knows my PIN code. But if he specifically asked to look through my phone, that would be a no.

@Spacecowboys

The thread is about going through a spouse/ partners phone, for which I said in a limited circumstance eg an affair it may be reasonable but otherwise, no it isn’t. Decisions about wether someone would or wouldn’t forgive a cheating spouse are theirs to make. I don’t judge either way and was simply answering the op.

Yeah but let's be honest what other reason would there be to justify going through someone else's phone, which is essentially a private repository of everything in their life?

The only reasons for doing it aside from cheating (or the suspicion of cheating) would be worries about financial abuse/debt or addiction. In any such scenario if I'd become sufficiently worried about this I'd want to monitor their private space it would be a sign that there wasn't enough trust to build a relationship on.

I'm not judging anyone just saying for me there's no logic to being in an intimate relationship with someone and having to verify their private communication like this.

Asking to look through someone's phone, or looking through it without permission is tantamount to reading someone's personal diary. You just don't do it.
Every now and again my husband will ask me to sort his phone out, which involves deleting his history etc, so I can see exactly what he's been looking at if I was interested enough, but I'm not.
Both of our phones are usually dumped on the sofa or table for either one of us to look at if we wanted to, but neither of us can be bothered to.
You should listen to your therapist op.

This

My DP replies to messages for me when i'm driving and things, he can see anything he wants, same with me and his phone.

But if he asked specifically to look through my phone then, nope!

I have nothing to hide on my phone but i hate it if someone asks can i use your phone No use your own .
I had an ex that would look though my phone check history emails etc never nothing on their his words was if you want me to trust you you would let me look if you have nothing to hide you would let me look etc.
Well he found nothing if i ask if i could do the same it turned into a row .
Turned out he was cheating by by .
Ive been single 9 years now .

I am pleased we all share the same sentiment. Sometimes you just need that validation from others.

I think I would say you're welcome to check my phone - but if you really feel you need to and can't take me at my word, then you obviously don't trust me and therefore the relationship has irrevocably broken down.

It would be a deal breaker for me for that reason more than any other, regardless of the fact I had nothing to hide.

It doesn’t sound like your relationship is very healthy.

My husband and I go through each other's phones all the time. It would never have occurred to us to look for nights in hotels though. Perhaps I'm hopelessly naive but normally I'm looking for good photos of the kids he's taken to Bluetooth to myself and any arrangements from mutual friends he's forgotten to tell me. I might also want to buy myself something using his PayPal account so I might need the security code. It works both ways, obviously.

no I wouldn't let someone just browse through my phone
anyone who does that doesn't respect your privacy

however,
I do think if your partner asks to do something specific on your phone like,
take a photo, search for something, or call someone etc
and they start acting weird, and refuse, that is a big red flag

Phones are like diaries. They are private. End of. My husband doesn't have my phone passcode and I don't have his. If I had the need to check his phone then I would not be with him and vice versa .

No. Not ever . No excuse.

Hold up, a man asked you, a woman, if he could go through your phone? Well, I was not expecting that. That’s different.

I’m surprised at how many see this as a deal breaker meaning their relationship would be over if their other half asked to see their phone. People give up on relationships and marriages too quickly. If my other half asked I would let him look. Things can be taken the wrong way and if he felt uncomfortable about something as such, I’d rather we spoke about it and dealt with it. If you say no it just makes you look guilty anyway and your other half will just harbour that resentment and it will build.

it’s not controlling it’s part of communicating. My oh is on occasion disengaged and distant because he’s running two big companies and he’s struggling to work 7am - 10pm (only temporarily) - I could easily take that as a sign he’s interested in someone else and if I asked to look through his phone and he denied me that could be a relationship over for absolutely no reason other then lack of openness and communication. Sometimes people need reassurance and that’s ok

It would be over because it would mean a lack of trust. What's the point without trust?

It is absolutely controlling and not something I'd ever accept in a relationship but then my husband doesn't even know my passcode. I'm entitled to my privacy, as is he.

A truly remorseful spouse's actions and words should be enough. If I felt I still needed to check their phone it would be akin to parenting a rebellious teenager. In which case I'd be out of the relationship

I would refuse to hand mine over. I’ve nothing to hide, I am entitled to privacy as is my DH. In 20 years together we’ve never checked up on each other in any way. I would not remain in a relationship without trust.

our phones are often left laying around and we would pass them to each other if one needed to borrow but would not dream of going thru it.

If my husband wants to leave me because he has decided he needs to look at my phone to see what level of candy crush I am on then he can leave

I will never ask to see his phone no matter what if I have concerns he is up to something I would ask him like a grown up and I expect the same consideration

You cant sext other people behind your partners back through a diary or look at inappropriate things through it I dont agree that its the same

I would hand over the phone, then I’d split up with them. It’s not reasonable to expect to know everything about your OH, that’s why you have to trust them.

to add to my prev message - my partner can use my phone any time he likes and often does, but that’s different to someone demanding to ‘go through’ it, presumably looking for anything incriminating. I know when my OH uses my phone he’s not scouring through my whatsap messages looking for evidence I’ve done something wrong.