"Let me go through your phone"

[LilyJessie]

Is this ever a reasonable request?

No, it’s never a reasonable request. My DH and I know our respective PIN numbers for each others phones. If one of us is busy, we may ask the other to check something (I can’t think of examples, but it’s happened), but if he wanted to go through my phone, that would be entirely different and, despite having nothing to hide from him, I wouldn’t allow it. I would never look through his either.

This is exactly me and DH

If you don’t trust someone then there’s no point being together.

No.

I have nothing to hide, but there will certainly be conversations on my phone from friends about their own personal things that is not a free for all for anyone to look at.

I think if you have got to the point of feeling you need to check someone’s phone the relationship is already over.

Your therapist is right

Everyone has a right to privacy and not to have their life picked over.

No one has the right to try and control you like this.

I realise you may be in a situation where it’s hard to leave, but personally, I would leave someone who did this.

To someone under 16 years old yes.

An adult not giving another adult access to their phone isn't about hiding anything. A normal, nice person would never ask.

No. There's no reason to go thru another adults phone. If you've got reason to be suspicious then you need to end the relationship. Don't lower yourself.

Yet lots of women are cheered on when they've gone through their partner's phone! What price privacy then?

Depends on the context. If an affair has just been discovered , it’s reasonable to expect phone access for a time. A truly remorseful spouse would offer this anyway though and not have to be asked. Where privacy has become secrecy, privacy will probably have to be sacrificed for a time. Besides this, it is unreasonable.

Lots of men are advised to do the same and cheered on when they do as well. Sex is irrelevant.

It depends what they've been like in the relationship as to whether it's reasonable to ask to look or not. If for example someone made an accusation of an affair and they denied it, and it was destroying your relationship and you needed proof, then I think as a last resort to regain some sanity it could be okay.
But if it's repetitively asked, with no real reason other then paranoia then it's rather unhealthy and damaging.
I think also phones are like diaries, that contain all our thoughts which should remain private.
I don't even snoop through my teenage daughters phone due to this. I just make sure I keep open dialogue so they have no reason to lie and I remind them constantly about internet safety.

Been with my husband over 20 years, never felt the need to go through each others phones.
Either you trust each other or you don't.

Only true and reasonable to think so if you know that you have acted in a way or have done something to warrant your partner to suspect you. For example, if you stayed out and didn't go home and when asked where you stayed, you became cagey, then I'd argue that your partner has an argument for wanting to look through your phone and in this specific situation your 'if I didn't have anything to hide then what's the big deal' thinking, stands.

If you have done nothing but your partner is pressuring you to hand over your phone out of his own insecurity then it's unfounded and you have every right in the world to enjoy your privacy.

I think I’m with @Spacecowboys I can’t imagine this issue coming up in my marriage, but I do understand the total lack of trust after an affair has been discovered. If it is thought that a period of handing over a phone on demand will help, who are we to judge?

Those of us who haven’t had to grapple with the question yet are lucky. If we feel sure we would just leave, the experience of friends with lived experience suggests we may not know how difficult real life decisions are (although we might end up leaving anyway).

I use my OH phone he uses mine. But we have never said to teach other "let me LOOK through your phone".
There have been times my battery died and I play about on his but I respect his privacy and never read messages, I don't even pick up his calls unless it is my in-laws. That is both ways.

If he asked that I would ask why? I would need a real reason.

I have loads on my phone I wouldn't want dp to see. But none of it is his business.

I don't have anything to hide but if I am asked to hand over my phone I would clam up quicker that a politician being asked to answer a question, get lost anyone asking

I don't think it's cut and dried. No sane person ends a marriage because their partner seems 'off' or 'different', or because the money doesn't quite seem to add up these days. There are hundreds of possible reasons. If a normal discussion doesn't solve the problem, you're still no closer to knowing what you're dealing with but the relationship has now started going down the pan. Getting concrete information may force a crisis, but by that point it needs a crisis.

@Spacecowboys @poetryandwine

But surely when you get to this point you need to leave, as opposed to be coming across like the Stasi and checking the phone?

A relationship with no trust is dead, and micromanaging someone and knowing their every move is just compounding the distrust and alienation, no?

I can’t imagine being in a scenario where I live from one phone check to the next and every time they use the phone I am paranoid that they are talking to an affair partner?

Surely this is God’s way to tell you you are flogging a dead horse?

As a temporary measure, whilst trust is being built back up and counselling etc is ongoing , phone access is a gesture from the cheating partner that they are serious about making amends. It’s not just about constantly checking up on someone- I’m not sure why people try to simplify relationships and make everything so black and white. Of course it’s not healthy to check up on your spouse for years and be stuck in that mindset forever , but in the interim it may be what a ‘cheated on’ spouse needs to help heal. If I found myself in this kind of situation, I don’t know what I would do but I understand why people would want phone access tbh.

@Spacecowboys

As a temporary measure, whilst trust is being built back up and counselling etc is ongoing , phone access is a gesture from the cheating partner that they are serious about making amends.

I mean... I'm a one strike and you're out person so there wouldn't be any "gesture" from a cheating partner and no amount of counselling that would provide me with the trust I would need. I don't see the upside in remaining in a relationship with someone who's cheated on you in a state of constant paranoia and vigilance. Better just to walk away.

At the moment I feel like I’m with you, @Thepeopleversuswork But my observation is that when friends find themselves in this situation suddenly it isn’t so black and white. As @Spacecowboys says, phone access can be part of rebuilding a relationship. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t

The thread is about going through a spouse/ partners phone, for which I said in a limited circumstance eg an affair it may be reasonable but otherwise, no it isn’t. Decisions about wether someone would or wouldn’t forgive a cheating spouse are theirs to make. I don’t judge either way and was simply answering the op.

I sort of feel that when you're a cohabiting adult your phone is pretty much your only private space.

Similarly, it's a red flag for anyone to even ask.